Uncle John's Fully Loaded 25th Anniversary Bathroom Reader (Uncle John's Bathroom Reader)

by Bathroom Readers' Institute

  …what is easiest and most useful in arithmetic, such as men constantly require in cases of inheritance, legacies, partition, lawsuits, and trade, and in all their dealings with one another, or where the measuring of lands, the digging of canals, geometrical computation, and other objects of various sorts and kinds are concerned.

  Al-Khwarizmi’s books became popular throughout the Persian Empire, and not just with mathematicians. Storekeepers, bankers, builders, architects, and anyone else who needed math to do their jobs made use of Hindu numbers and al-Khwarizmi’s algebra. But it would take a surprisingly long time before his concepts spread beyond the Muslim world and into Europe.

  A POPE FAILS TO CONVERT

  Despite the biblical injunction to “go forth and multiply,” convincing Christians to use this more advanced system of mathematics would take about 1,000 years. In al-Khwarizmi’s time (late 8th-to mid-9th century), the Muslim world was in the middle of a golden age of learning. The Christian world: Not so golden. When the Roman Empire collapsed in A.D. 476, in the words of one modern historian, it was as if “Western Civilization went camping for five hundred years.”

  During the Middle Ages, much of the Christian world considered Muslims to be “heretics” who rejected the “true faith.” What, then, could be learned from them? In the minds of most Europeans, the answer was an unequivocal “nothing.” When it came to math, there was one notable exception: the 10th-century French monk, Gerbert of Aurillac. As a young monk, Gerbert had traveled to Muslim-controlled Spain to study advanced science, astronomy, and mathematics—disciplines that had been lost to the Western world. He discovered “Arabic numerals,” learned how to use an abacus, and studied algebra. Gerbert couldn’t wait to get back and share this knowledge. One man in particular was interested: Otto the Great, the Holy Roman Emperor. Otto took 20-year-old Gerbert into his court to tutor his 16-year-old heir, Otto II, in what was then called “mathesis.” Otto II wasn’t much of a scholar, but he knew a good teacher when he saw one. When his own heir, Otto III, needed a tutor, Gerbert was his man.

  Soy beans were named for soy sauce (not vice versa).

  Over time Gerbert became an astronomer, organ builder, music theoretician, mathematician, philosopher, teacher, and…the world’s first French pope—Sylvester II. In 999 Otto III, in his new role as emperor of the Holy Roman Empire, used his influence to get his former teacher elected to the papacy. Gerbert saw his election as an opportunity to introduce Arabic numerals into the Church, replacing those unwieldy Roman numerals. Bad idea: Using Arabian “squiggles” to do math was, to many, a suspicious indication that Sylvester II had gone over to the dark side. Rumors spread that while in Spain the future pope had either learned the “magic” we call math from his teacher’s secret book of magic…or studied with the Devil himself.

  Whispers that Gerbert’s math was a tool of Satan followed him into the papacy, and though he frequently displayed his abacus skills and wrote treatises on Arabic math, he died (in 1003) without convincing either the Church or the masses to adopt Arabic numerals. In 1096, just before the First Crusade to recapture Jerusalem from the Muslims began, the deceased pope was, according to The Abacus and the Cross by Nancy Marie Brown, “branded a sorcerer and devil-worshipper for having taught the mathematics and science that had come to Christian Europe from Islamic Spain.”

  ENTER FIBONACCI

  Arabic numerals (and zero) made their next significant appearance in Western civilization nearly 200 years after Gerbert’s death, courtesy of Leonardo Fibonacci. Born in Pisa to a wealthy Italian merchant around 1170, Fibonacci is said to have been the best Western mathematician of the Middle Ages (not that he had a lot of competition). Leonardo was raised in northern Africa where his father oversaw Italy’s coastal trading outposts and made sure his son was schooled in the math he would need to become an accountant. His Arab teachers showed him al-Khwarizmi’s Hindu-Arabic number system. “When I had been introduced to the art of the Indians’ nine symbols, knowledge of the art very soon pleased me above all else,” he later wrote.

  As a young man, Fibonacci traveled enough to encounter other number systems being used in the West, including the awkward Roman numeral system still reigning in Europe. (He also traveled enough to earn the nickname Bigollo, which means “vagabond” or “wanderer.”) To Fibonacci, the Hindu-Arabic system he’d learned in the Arab world was far superior. He returned to Pisa as an adult and, in 1202, published Liber Abaci (Book of Calculation) to share the knowledge of how to use the Hindu-Arabic system in practical ways, including the conversion of measures and currency, allocation of profit, and the computation of interest. Italian merchants and bankers loved it. Soon most of them had switched over to the new system.

  In ancient times the symbol now known as the swastika was a symbol of good fortune.

  MUCH ADO ABOUT ZERO

  That didn’t end the push back against Arabic numerals. In 1259 an edict came from Florence forbidding bankers to use “the infidel symbols,” and in 1348 the University of Padua insisted that book prices be listed using “plain” letters (Roman numerals), not “ciphers” (al-Khwarizmi’s sifr). Though Fibonacci’s book is credited with bringing the zero (as well as its buddies, 1 to 9) to Europe, it took another 300 years for the system to spread beyond Italy. Why? For one thing, Fibonacci lived in the days before printing, so his books were hand written. If someone wanted a copy, it had to be copied by hand. In time, Fibonacci’s book would be translated, plagiarized, and used as inspiration for books in many other languages. The first one in English was The Crafte of Nombrynge, published around 1350.

  Zero finally came into its own in Europe during the Renaissance when it showed up in a variety of books, including Robert Recordes’s popular math textbook Ground of Artes (1543). That book may have been read by one William Shakespeare, the first writer known to have used the Arabic zero in literature. In King Lear, the Fool tells Lear, “Thou art a 0 without a figure. I am better than thou art now, I am a Fool, thou art nothing.”

  MEANWHILE…

  Lest we forget, advanced knowledge also developed in the New World independently of Old World thought. The zero appears on a Mayan stela (a stone monument) carved sometime between 292 and A.D. 372. That’s about 500 years before al-Khwarizmi “discovered” it.

  What’s a twip? l/20th of a typographical dot. A 12-point font is about 240 twips high.

  ANSWER PAGES

  I’LL HAVE A FATSO BURGER

  (Answers for page 108)

  1. g) Dogma. All of director Kevin Smith’s movies take place in the same “universe.” Characters and institutions from one movie appear in others. In 1999’s Dogma, two fallen angels (Matt Damon and Ben Affleck) break into the corporate boardroom of the Mooby’s fast-food chain, call out the grave sins of each of the board members, then execute them all. In Smith’s 2006 movie Clerks II, the main characters work at Mooby’s.

  2. c) American Beauty. When writer Lester Burnham (Kevin Spacey) has a midlife crisis, he tries to relive his teen years by buying a muscle car, smoking marijuana, and getting a job at a fast-food joint called Mr. Smiley’s. But while he’s working the drive-through line, he spots his wife (Annette Bening) as she drives through with her lover (Peter Gallagher). Unfazed, he offers her a “beef pot pie on a stick.”

  3. o) The Simpsons. The most popular hamburger joint in Springfield, it’s owned by TV host Krusty the Klown. Once called “the unhealthiest restaurant in the world,” it trotted out the vegetarian Mother Nature Burger…made with tainted barley. Other menu items include the Clogger, the Deep Fried Krusty Burger, and the Partially Gelatinated Nondairy Gum-Based Beverage (known in most restaurants as a “shake”).

  4. e) Buffy the Vampire Slayer. When Buffy (Sarah Michelle Gellar) wants to be a normal, non-vampire-fighting teen, she gets a job at Doublemeat Palace, which specializes in a sandwich made with one beef patty and one chicken patty. When body parts begin showing up in the kitchen, Buffy suspects human flesh is the secret ingredient, but th
e truth is far darker: The “meat” is made from vegetables and beef tallow.

  5. d) Roseanne. In 1993 Roseanne and then-husband Tom Arnold bought a home in Iowa and opened up a “loosemeat” sandwich restaurant. Popular in the Midwest, they are sandwiches made of ground meat and sauce, sort of like sloppy joes. Roseanne’s TV character opened one, too, in her fictional hometown of Lanford, Illinois.

  In a photo of Lincoln’s funeral procession, 6-year-old Teddy Roosevelt is looking out a window.

  6. m) Breaking Bad. Cancer patient and meth cooker Walter White (Bryan Cranston) gets into business with international drug kingpin Gus Fring (Giancarlo Esposito), who runs a chain of 13 fast-food chicken restaurants called Los Pollos Hermanos as a front for his drug business. They serve fried chicken, Mexican and South American dishes, and, if you know who to ask, methamphetamine.

  7. n) Coming to America. A blatant parody of McDonald’s, McDowell’s shows up in the 1988 comedy starring Eddie Murphy as an African prince who gets a job there when he first arrives in New York. The chain’s signature sandwich is the Big Mic, which consists of “two all-beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickles, and onions” on a bun. (No sesame seeds.)

  8. p) Doug. On the 1990s Nickelodeon cartoon Doug, Honker Burger was the cool place where the cool kids went to hang out, with a 1950s diner look (rendered in pink and purple). You had to be in the know to know how to order at Honker Burger. Want a burger without pickles and onions? Then you say “a moo cow without cukes and sneakers.” A fish sandwich? Order a “wet one.”

  9. i) The Flintstones. It has to be one of the first drive-in restaurants…because it existed in prehistoric times. Biggest thing on the menu: the car-size, car-toppling triceratops ribs.

  10. f) Saturday Night Live. Taco Town appeared in a 2008 SNL commercial parody spoofing extreme fast food. Its signature item is the Pizza Crepe Taco Pancake Chili Bag. That’s a crunchy taco wrapped in a flour tortilla, then wrapped in a corn tortilla, then wrapped in a crepe and deep-fried. Then it’s rolled in a deep-dish pizza, rolled up in a blueberry pancake, and tossed in a tote bag, which is then filled with chili.

  11. h) SpongeBob SquarePants. SpongeBob works as a short-order cook at the Krusty Krab restaurant flipping Krabby Patties. It’s a popular place, much to the chagrin of its across-the-street rival, the disgusting Chum Bucket, run by the tiny Plankton, who is bent on stealing the secret recipe for the Krusty Krab’s Krabby Patties.

  There are over 30,000 sushi restaurants in Japan. In the U.S.: about 10,000.

  12. j) Beavis and Butt-Head. Another parody of McDonald’s (its logo is upside-down golden arches, forming a W, for “World”), Burger World is where stupid, lazy teens Beavis and Butt-Head work…or are at least employed. They spend most of their time throwing random objects into the fryer or hanging out in the bathroom.

  13. b) Fast Times at Ridgemont High. In the 1982 teen comedy, high-school senior Brad Hamilton (Judge Reinhold) is on the management track at Captain Hook’s until he abruptly quits one day. Reason: He delivers an order and an attractive girl laughs at the silly pirate costume he has to wear.

  14. l) Futurama. In the 2000 episode “The Problem With Popplers,” the interstellar delivery crew finds a delicious, bite-size animal on a foreign planet and fills their earthbound spaceship with them. They sell millions to the Fishy Joe’s fast-food chain, only to learn that they’re actually the babies of a bloodthirsty race of aliens.

  15. a) Pulp Fiction. Toward the beginning of the film, Vincent (John Travolta) and Jules (Samuel L. Jackson) go to collect a mysterious briefcase from the apartment of a trio of inept young criminals. Jules asks one of them for a bite of his hamburger, as he’s heard that Big Kahuna makes “a tasty burger.” Then Jules kills him.

  16. k) That ’70s Show. The fictional Wisconsin burger joint Fatso Burger figured prominently in the Fox TV series. Eric (Topher Grace) is forced by his father to get a job there. But he quits after a few days because his friends stole a statue of the restaurant’s mascot, Fatso the clown.

  17. q) South Park. City Wok is the only Asian food restaurant in the town of South Park. Proprietor Tuong Lu Kim has a thick accent, leading his pronunciation of the first word in the name of his restaurant to sound a lot like a swear word. But because he’s technically saying “city,” it got past TV censors (which is probably why show creators Trey Parker and Matt Stone named it “City Wok” in the first place).

  First written mention of a kiss: in the Vedic Sanskrit texts (India, 1500 B.C.).

  POLITICALLY CORRECT QUIZ

  (Answers for page 473)

  1. a) The diamond shape is similar, but not identical, to the British Sign Language symbol for “female genitalia.” That symbol is formed by making the diamond shape over the crotch, with the forefingers pointing downward. The children make the “star” symbol over their heads with their forefingers pointing upward, but that was close enough for the city council. Banning the gesture was “a sensible decision taken to prevent deaf children or deaf parents being offended,” a spokesperson told the Daily Mail newspaper. Not everyone agreed: “These are innocent children just making a sign to show a star,” one parent told reporters. “No one would give it a second thought.” (There were no deaf parents or deaf children enrolled in the toddler group at the time.)

  2. c) “We do need to examine our language about animals because a lot of it is derogatory in the sense that it belittles them and our relations with them,” said Dr. Andrew Linzey, the journal’s co-editor. The journal suggests using either “differentiated beings” or “non-human animals” instead of “animals.” (So why does the journal get to use “animal” in its title? “‘Animal ethics’ has become the established term within academia for the field of study,” said Dr. Linzey.) The journal also requests that individual animals be referred to as “he” or “she,” not “it,” and that terms like “wild animal” and “wildlife” be avoided in favor of “free-living,” “free-ranging,” and “free-roaming.” “For most, ‘wildness’ is synonymous with uncivilized, unrestrained, barbarous existence. There is an obvious prejudgement here that should be avoided,” Dr. Linzey explained.

  3. a) “We have a religion-accommodation policy, approved by the school board in 1983, stating that ‘no religious belief or non-belief should be promoted by the school district or its employees, and none should be disparaged,” the school board responded in a statement after the incident came to light. (Seattle’s parks and recreation department has renamed its annual Easter egg hunt a “spring egg hunt.”)

  4. b) University investigators concluded that Evans intended no harm, but upheld the complaint anyway. The university’s punishments—mandatory counseling and a two-year period of “monitoring and appraisal”—were dismissed after a judge ruled they were “grossly disproportionate.” In 2011 Evans left the school for a teaching job at the American University in Beirut. “If academics can’t show a scientific paper to a colleague under these conditions for fear that the colleague might be offended, then I think academic freedom is truly dead at UCC,” he says. (A few weeks after her complaint against Evans, Salerno-Kennedy accused a female colleague of “bullying” her. That claim was dismissed after investigators concluded it was baseless.)

  The smallest detectible computer mouse movement (less than 0.1 mm) is called a “mickey.”

  5. c) “We try to be sensitive to the fact that for Muslims, talk of pigs is offensive,” the school’s head, Barbara Harris, told the Yorkshire Evening Post. The ban applied not just to The Three Little Pigs, but to any and all stories containing pigs, including Charlotte’s Web, Babe, and any Winnie-the-Pooh story that mentions Piglet. The Muslim Council of Britain asked for the ban to be rescinded, calling it “well-intentioned but misguided.” (Muslims are not allowed to eat pork, but are free to read and talk about pigs.) “The school has gone too far,” said Barry Malik, a local magistrate and practicing Muslim. “What will they do next, ban the word ‘cow’ because the Hindus believe the cow is sacred?�
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  THE SMARTPHONE AUTOCORRECT QUIZ

  (Answers for page 311)

  1. Viggo Mortensen

  2. Emeril Lagasse

  3. Honus Wagner

  4. Stockard Channing

  5. Raven-Symoné

  6. Shia LaBeouf

  7. Beyoncé Knowles

  8. Matt Groening

  9. Dirk Nowitzki

  10. Mariska Hargitay

  11. Joss Whedon

  12. Evel Knievel

  13. Dweezil Zappa

  14. Tupac Shakur

  15. Cate Blanchett

  16. Gabourey Sidibe

  17. Gérard Depardieu

  18. Leighton Meester

  19. Dita Von Teese

  20. Boutros Boutros-Ghali

  21. Zach Galifianakis

  22. Ving Rhames

  23. Chauncey Billups

  24. Miley Cyrus

  25. Jimi Hendrix

  26. Alistair Cooke

  HOMONYM QUIZ

  (Answers for page 253)

  1. b) a river’s edge. This meaning of bank is ancient, and has been in the English language since at least the year 1200. The financial bank didn’t arrive until the late 1400s. Exact roots are unknown, but both words may have come from the same Old Germanic root, meaning “bench” or “shelf.”

  2. a) a flying mammal. Bat the winged mammal first showed up in the 1570s, from the Middle English bakke, which is believed to have been derived from an Old Scandinavian word meaning “flapper.” To bat your eyelashes was first used in the 1840s, and came from a little-known word still used in falconry: A falcon bates when it flutters its wings strongly off its perch.

  3. b) a medicine or drink. Both meanings for cordial have the same origin—the Latin cordialis, meaning “of the heart.” Cordial, the drink or medicine meant to stimulate the heart, came into use in the late 1300s; cordial, meaning “sincere” or “from the heart,” came about a century later.