Taming Ryder

by Nicola Haken

  “Did you see Elle today?” I asked casually, not wanting him to feel the need to tell me what they spoke about. If he told me, I wanted it to be because he wanted me to know.

  “Yeah. I feel like I’ve really let her down.”

  “That’s bullshit.”

  “That’s what she said,” Ryder replied with a short laugh. “But I promised I’d always talk to her if things ever got bad again and I didn’t. Which is why I’m now regretting telling you I’d try and open up, because the reality is, I probably won’t.”

  “You promised to try. I’ve been in dark places, Ry. I know what it’s like to feel fucked in the head. To feel alone. To want to be alone. Just know, I don’t expect anything from you.”

  “Yeah?”

  “Yeah,” I breathed, closing my eyes while I gathered my thoughts. “When my mom died, I kinda fell apart. I didn’t have anyone. I couldn’t find my dad, I had no friends – not real ones anyway, no money, no job, soon to be no home after I fell behind with her medical bills…” I trailed off, forcing down the lump in my throat that was stopping the words from escaping. “I…I tried to kill myself, Ryder.”

  “You… I mean… holy shit, Mason,” he gasped, dragging in a long gulp of air. “I…how?”

  “Pills. There were a ton of my mom’s meds lying around the house. I didn’t do it on a whim. I thought about it. I planned it. I wanted it.”

  Holy fuck I couldn’t believe I was admitting this to him. The shame bit into my stomach, making my pulse race and I wondered if this was how he felt when he told me about the night he was raped. In my mind, ‘I’ deserved to feel embarrassed, unlike Ryder. I chose to end my life, he had no say in what happened to him.

  “And I feel so fucking selfish saying that because I’ve never experienced anything even close to what you have.”

  “It’s all relative, Mase. Nobody chooses to feel like that and no one’s pain should be compared to another. It doesn’t matter what put it there, that pain was yours. It owned you.”

  “I’m glad I didn’t succeed,” I admitted honestly. “For so long afterwards I was so angry, so fucking mad at the person who found me, the people who tried to help me…but then I met you, and I remember the very moment I started wondering what if. What if I didn’t have to be alone anymore? What if…there was more.”

  “Because of me?” he asked, crunching his eyebrows together in disbelief.

  “Of course I started to heal a long time ago, but you…you completed the process. You’re a beautiful guy, Ryder, body and soul. You were the first person to show me kindness in such a long time, and then the more time I spent with you, the deeper I started to fall.” I moved my chair closer to his, the feet screeching along the cracked tiles. “You’re funny. Confident. You knew me getting into this business wasn’t exactly planned or necessarily wanted but you didn’t judge me. You guided me. You took care of me, took away my fears about my first scene. You have a good heart that you’re not afraid to use. I didn’t understand it for a long time and then after you told me what happened to you I realized it’s not your heart you’re afraid of, it’s other people’s.”

  “I can’t believe you saw all that in me,” he said quietly, shaking his head.

  “Not saw – see.”

  “You know when I first met you at your audition, I wondered what the hell you were doing there. You were so mellow, so uneasy. A strong part of me wanted to fuck you senseless. Show you what this business was all about. Show you what I was about. I thought if anyone could bring you out of yourself it would be me. But then when you started talking I saw you had a reason. I can’t explain it properly. The way you looked at Ivan, like you needed it. I knew then there was more to you than a horny guy looking to make a quick buck and I instantly craved to know more.”

  “Is that why you offered your place to me?” I asked curiously.

  “Partly, I guess,” Ryder shrugged. “But also because I’m not a complete heartless bastard and it was obvious to a freaking blind man you had no place to go.”

  “I was so embarrassed when you asked me. I’ve never wanted pity from anyone.”

  “I didn’t pity you. If I’m honest, I was kinda hoping I’d still get to fuck you.”

  “Ha!” I laughed, tipping my head back. “So that was your sneaky little plan all along, huh?”

  “It worked didn’t it?” Ryder winked at me and patted my knee. His touch immediately stopped me in my tracks as it reverberated throughout my body, straight into my soul.

  “I really care about you, Ryder,” I blurted out involuntarily. His eyes widened just a little before he let out a long, loud sigh.

  “I care about you too, tiger,” he said with a soft, genuine smile. “You know I don’t know anything about love, that the whole concept scares the absolute shit out of me, but I do know that if I was capable of love, I would love you.”

  Jesus H Christ. There and then I felt the exact moment my heart stopped beating.

  “I…” My mouth felt like it was coated in sandpaper. The words lodged in my throat making it difficult to swallow. I had no words. There were no words. Instead I did the only thing that felt right. Leaning closer to him, I pressed my palm to the side of his cheek.

  “I need to kiss you right now.”

  Ryder sucked in a breath but seemingly couldn’t form words either. Slowly, I merged my lips with his. I didn’t move, didn’t explore, I just felt him. Reluctantly I pulled back just a little, regaining my breath and gaging his reaction. His eyes were closed, his lips parted. Then, the second he opened them, his gaze boring into mine, he crashed his mouth to mine without warning, immediately dipping his tongue inside and tangling it with my own.

  My body set alight as I grabbed at his waist, lifting him onto my knee. Ryder wound his fingers into my hair, keeping me close to him as we devoured each other with a passion beyond anything I’d ever experienced. My dick throbbed, uncomfortable beneath my tight pants. I arched my hips, rubbing against him as I reached in between us with one hand to find he was equally hard.

  “S-stop,” I panted, breaking the seal of our lips. “Slow, remember?”

  “Holy fuck, that was…”

  “Intense?”

  “Beautiful.”

  I buried my face in his neck, my veins tingling from his scent dancing into my nose and my heart throbbing furiously in time with his racing pulse.

  “Let’s go inside,” I suggested, smiling against the stubble on his chin.

  “Thank you,” he sighed, kissing the top of my head.

  “For?”

  “For this. For being patient with me, seeing the best in me, understanding me.”

  “Hell, Ry,” I said with a chuckle. “I never said I understood you.”

  “Well thank you for wanting to,” he replied before a smile lit up his face. “Twat.”

  We spent the next hour on the couch watching reruns of Friends and eating Ryder’s last bag of Maltesers (a richer, and I have to say nicer version of Whoppers) that Sawyer and Jake brought back when they went to the UK to see the rebuild. He lay with his head on my lap and I had one arm draped tenderly over his waist. Ryder was a year older than me but I couldn’t help feeling protective of him, like the only reason I was given life was to care for him, keep him safe.

  “We should go out tomorrow,” Ryder suggested, flipping onto his back and looking up at me.

  “Oh yeah?” I said, weaving my fingers through his hair. “Where?”

  “Just out. Bend, Kaleidoscope… anywhere. I miss the scene I guess. Just want things to get back to normal.”

  “Normal except for the part where you suck guys off in the dark rooms I hope,” I joked with a sharp wink.

  “Yeah, apart from that.”

  “Well sure. We should ask the other guys too.”

  “Cool. I’ll tweet everyone later.”

  “You should ask Sawyer and Jake too.”

  “And Elle and Kip, and of course Matt will no doubt be up for it.”

  �
��Maybe we should do it Saturday after I’ve been to Mark’s. Give people time to make plans.”

  “Sure,” Ryder shrugged. “I’m down with that.”

  Smiling, I leaned down to kiss his forehead, only to be interrupted by the sound of Ryder’s cell ringing.

  “Ugh,” he grumbled, grudgingly sitting up and plucking his cell from his pocket. “Hey, Ivan,” he answered after glancing at the screen. “Sure…Mmhmm…Yep…Wow, that sounds amazing…Oh, I’m not sure about that…I dunno…In London? I’ll think about it…Who else are you asking? Right, cool…I promise I will…Sure…Thanks, Ivan…Ok…Catch you later…Bye.”

  “What was that about?” I probed after watching Ryder set his cell down on the table in front of us.

  “Ivan wants to do a tour to coincide with the release of the Hard Love DVD next month. Wants us to go.”

  “Okaaaay…” I elongated the word, confused by the unsure tone of Ryder’s voice. “So what’s the problem? Sounds like an amazing opportunity.”

  “He’s made plans to visit London. I’m just not too sure how I feel about that.”

  “But London’s your hometown. I don’t understand?”

  “It’s also the place in the world that holds the worst memories for me. Plus, my fucking parents live there.”

  “It’s a big city, Ry. You don’t have to see them if you don’t want.”

  “Hmm,” was the only sound that left his mouth. I studied his face, perplexed as I watched his eyebrows knit together and his lips sink into a frown.

  “Unless…you want to see them?”

  “I don’t know,” he sighed, slouching forward and resting his elbows on his knees. “Not my dad particularly. He’s a fucking arsehole. But my mum…I could be completely wrong but part of me has always suspected she’s, I don’t know, afraid of him. Like, she just goes along with everything he says because she’s not brave enough to stand up to him, stand up for me. I have a whole new life now, whole new family. I think part of me just wants to know if she will ever be a part of it, or if it’s time to let go for good.”

  “Then I think you know what to tell Ivan.”

  “Trouble is, I’m completely fucking terrified.”

  “She’s your mom, Ry.”

  “Exactly. Since hitting my teens I’ve felt like such a failure to her. Sometimes even hated her because of how ashamed of me she was, or how she always took my dad’s side over mine. But you’re right, she is my mum, and the possibility she might choose to walk away for good than stand up to my father really fucking hurts.”

  “You know, maybe if they knew wh-”

  “No,” he interrupted firmly. “No way in hell will they ever know what I think you’re suggesting.”

  “Even so, if you just talked to them, explained how much you needed them and they weren’t there, told them that you miss them and want to start again…”

  “I don’t miss them,” he snapped. “At least, not the latter years. I miss the parents I remember from my childhood. The ones who took me on amazing holidays, football matches, safari parks. I miss the dad who would let me stand on his feet and wrap my arms around his waist when I was tired of walking, or the mum who would buy bags of popcorn so we could have ‘movie night’ on the living room floor when my dad was away on business. I can’t say my childhood was bad at all, it was only when I grew up, when I was old enough to know I was gay that everything went to shit. They’re ashamed of me, disgusted by me, and I might just have to accept that’s how it will always be. And that is what terrifies me.”

  “I want to say fuck ‘em, that anyone who doesn’t support you isn’t worth shit. But I had the most amazing mom so I can’t even begin to understand what you must feel like, or indeed how easy it would be to put them in your past and leave them there.”

  “What about if your dad came back? What would you do?”

  “Hell, I’ve no fucking idea,” I admitted, winded by the unexpected question. “He abandoned us when we needed him the most. He’s a selfish prick who’s seemingly vanished from the face of the earth. But…just like you, I have great memories too, and as much as I want to hate him, I kinda don’t. Sometimes I even feel like I understand why he left. I mean, watching my mum fade away, caring for her, man it was so fucking hard. But then I feel like the selfish prick for thinking such a thing. There is no excuse. No matter how tough things got I wouldn’t, couldn’t, have left her. And neither should he.”

  “So, if I told you to tell him to get fucked, and move on, could you?”

  In that very nanosecond, I understood his predicament entirely.

  “Probably not, and if I did it would hurt like hell. So yeah, I get it, Ry. Though I still think you need to try. Knowing one way or the other has got to be better than living in limbo. And you said Ivan wants ‘us’ to go?”

  “Yeah. He was gonna call you but when I said you were here he just asked me to pass it on.”

  “Then you won’t be alone. I’ll be with you. There for you, however it turns out.”

  “Holy shit I can’t believe I’m actually going to do this,” he sighed, shaking his head. “I’d honestly convinced myself, or at least tried to, that my parents ship had sailed and I’d be better off without them.”

  “You still might,” I countered. “But right now it doesn’t sound like you’ve had any kind of closure, not just with your parents but with everything. I’m here for you, Ryder, but I’m just a man. I can’t take all your pain away. I can’t tell you how to deal with things. The only one who can do that is you, and I think the only way you’re going to fully move on with your life is to start tying up all those loose ends in your head. And honestly, I think this will be a good start. You might not get the response you want or deserve, but at least you’ll know where you stand.”

  “You’re right. You’re right I know you are, which is why I’m going to man the fuck up and call Ivan back right now.”

  “When would we leave? Did he say? I, um, don’t have a passport.”

  “Don’t worry you’ve got time to sort one out. He said we were hitting a few states first before Europe. Knowing Ivan he’ll call some kind of meeting this week and explain everything.”

  Ryder picked up his cell from the table and sucked in a deep nervous breath. I heard him swallow the lump of fear lodged in his throat as he brought the phone up to his ear and my heart swelled with pride. Scooching closer, I touched his nose with mine and mouthed ‘I’m here for you’, before standing up and leaving him alone to chat with Ivan.

  Chapter Ten

  ~Ryder~

  One month later…

  “Morning, tiger,” I said through a warm smile as Mason came up behind me, burying his face in my neck.

  “You smell so good in the morning,” he whispered against my ear before kissing along my jaw. “Almost as good as that coffee in fact,” he added teasingly, looking down at the pot brewing in front of me.

  “Go sit down,” I suggested. “I’ll bring it over.”

  After turning my head to face him and giving me a gentle kiss on the lips, Mason smiled and went to sit on the couch. I inhaled a deep, satisfied breath as I poured the coffee. We’d been officially together for a month now and every day I began to feel a little more comfortable with the idea, a little less petrified. We were still taking it slowly, and as much as that frustrated my dick, my heart and my mind needed it that way.

  “Have you finished packing?” I asked, setting his coffee down on the table. Today we were travelling to Cali for the first stop on the DVD tour. My Twitter feed had been going beyond crazy since the tour dates were announced a few weeks ago. Most of the time I loved meeting fans, but there were more than a few obsessed weirdos out there who you couldn’t help hoping you didn’t run into in case they serve you a decapitated rabbit or something.

  “Yeah, thought I’d get it out of the way so I don’t need to rush back from Mark’s.”

  “I’m so proud of you, you know,” I said, meaning every word. Mason had been working pretty
closely with Mark on the various shots taken for the photo book. Whenever he came home he’d talk about it for hours, using all kinds of technical, foreign terms I’d never heard of. But still the sheer enthusiasm in his voice when he talked about it, the glint of excitement in his eyes, made me want to listen to him forever, even if I didn’t have a clue what he was saying.

  “That means a lot. Thank you.”

  “Don’t thank me, tiger. It’s the truth.”

  “Well I’m still grateful,” he shrugged. “Mark’s talking me through my college options today. I’m more nervous than I thought I’d be. This shit is starting to feel kinda real.”

  I’ll tell you who else made me proud. Ivan, Sawyer and Jake. Between them they offered to help fund Mason through college with the promise if he ever wanted to go into erotic photography, they would hold open a guaranteed job for him. That right there was family, and if things didn’t work out the way I hoped with my parents, I knew I would always have somewhere I belonged no matter what.

  “It is real, Mason. You’re really doing this, following your dream. I admire you so much and I just know you will achieve great things.”

  “I hope so,” he muttered. “It just feels sort of surreal. When my mom passed away I completely gave up on the idea, gave up on most things really. Focusing on stuff again, on the photography, on you, it makes me feel so damn alive.”

  And that was exactly what I meant - the passion, the fire in his eyes, the higher pitch to his voice…

  “You’re fucking beautiful.” The words slipped accidently from my lips, interrupting him and clearly taking him a little by surprise. I hadn’t learned to be all that good with the ‘serious’ stuff yet, you know, the whole ‘sharing feelings’ that people expect in relationships.

  “We’re doing good, don’t you think?” Mason asked, taking hold of my hands in his as he scooted a little closer. “We’re making it work.”