by Cindy Miles
“Do you want to get some air?” he asked, inclining his head to the front door. “We could take a walk?”
I shook my head. “I’m okay now.”
His eyes sought mine, and he laced our fingers together once more. “You’re such a contradiction.” His lips moved like feathers against my temple. “You have to trust someone, at some point, Harper.” He kissed the side of my eye. “Take my word for it. If you keep it all bottled up, you’ll combust. And it might be something you can’t control no matter how hard you try. No matter what persona you portray.”
He was right and I knew it, and at that very moment, I wanted to tell him everything. Starting with the Dare. I opened my mouth, but no words would come. Not the right ones, anyway. Only dancing words. Those that danced around the true subject. I’d grown good at that. An expert. “You know how recovering addicts are always instructed never, ever to become involved with another addict?”
I looked at him then, and he was staring back at me, and those brown eyes pulled me in and swamped me.
“Is that us?” I asked. “Do we both have such traumatic childhood issues and secrets that we’re too toxic to be together?”
Kane watched me in silence, and I was entranced by the way his Adam’s apple moved when he swallowed. The way his chocolate colored hair shot out in so many directions. And the contrast of his eyes, brows and stubble against that pale skin. “I think my fears and secrets cancel yours out,” he finally said. “And that leaves us reborn. New. Whole.”
I gave a soft laugh. “I’m not sure what we are. Are you?”
He pulled me to his chest then, and the warmth of his body seeped into mine. “No, I’m not,” he admitted. “But it’s the realest thing I’ve ever had.”
Those words struck me; almost as much as the mouth they came out of.
I felt the same way. Only, I didn’t know how to show it. Wasn’t sure if trusting Kane with all of my secrets was the smartest thing to do yet.
“Let’s play it by ear, yeah?” he mouthed against my cheek, and that warm, slightly harsh Boston accent blended with the somber, easy tone of his voice.
I looked up at him. “Will you consider getting a non-illegal job? Or maybe even applying for classes—”
“Harper,” he interrupted, but gently. “Trust me when I tell you this, okay?” He ducked his head again, forcing our gazes to meet. “When I say I can’t quit the numbers, I want you know that I mean it. I’m not just some shady, lazy guy trying to get out of hard day’s work and fair pay. I’m good at the numbers. I’m good at reading people. I make a lot of money doing it. More than I could doing anything else right now. And I need that.”
Before I could say anything else, he stood, dragging me up with him. “Let’s put all this gloomy talk behind us for now and eat. Olivia’s mom—she’s like a food fairy or something. It’s amazing.”
I laughed, and he stopped on his way to pulling me toward Brax’s small kitchen and turned me around to face him. With his big hands, he framed my face, tilted my head, and lowered his mouth to mine. In his kiss I felt urgency; hunger. Desperation. Or maybe I was confusing his reactions with mine? I clung to him, learned how to taste, learned how to savor. Learned. It was all so new. Exciting.
And I knew there was much, much more.
As if he’d read my thoughts, Kane pulled back, breathless, and rested his brow against mine. His mouth moved to my ear. “It would be so damn easy not to stop,” he whispered, and kissed my jaw. “So damn easy.”
I breathed in. Out. “Then don’t,” I said quietly.
Kane shifted just enough to look at me, and his smile was warm, inviting, and oh so genuine. “I have to live with myself, Harper,” he said. Smiled. Kissed me again. “I can’t believe I’m saying this, but…when the time is right.”
Without words ever being spoken, Kane knew I was a virgin. Of course he did. If I’d never been kissed before, odds were I’d never had sex before, either. I felt pretty positive Kane had lost his virginity a long while back. Yet he was willing to wait. For me? The feelings I had were a myriad of fears and hopes and desires. But one thing I’d come to recognize.
I liked the person I was with Kane. I felt like I wanted to laugh. Wanted to make jokes. I felt like eating a pizza, watching a movie. I actually felt…normal.
As long as no one else found out about my attacks. About my shady past.
About who I truly, truly was.
“Can there be lots of practice kissing while we wait?” I asked shyly.
In those profound eyes, I recognized desire. Laughter. And he pulled me against him, kissed my jaw, my lips, the end of my nose. Then he moved that sensual mouth to the soft outer shell of my ear.
“I’ll kiss you anytime you want,” he whispered.
And then he did just that.
And I knew then, without a doubt in my abnormal, warped mind, that I was lost.
Lost, forever.
The last day of November came and went; only two and a half more weeks of the fall semester. Two and a half more weeks before the Dare would be revealed. Two and a half more weeks before I’d have to make the trip back to Belle House. For Christmas. To Oakview.
Alone.
I had regrets. Mainly, the Dare. I’d decided to talk to Murphy about it, see what she thought without giving too much away.
In my haze of budding romance with Kane, I’d forgotten how cunningly sharp Murphy Polk was.
“Hey,” I said, walking up to her in the library. I draped my satchel over the back of the chair, pulled it out and sat beside her.
Tucking her lob behind her ears, her eyes assessed me, and she furrowed her brows. “Oh, I don’t fancy that look. Not one bit.”
“What look?” I asked. “How do you see a look?”
“Oh, I see one,” she said. She pointed with her finger. “I can tell by that wee little wrinkle betwixt your brows there.” She winked. “It’s a definite look. And a dodgy one at that.”
I sighed, studied the wooden tabletop for a second or two, then looked at her. “Kane isn’t right for the Dare. The Dare isn’t right, and I was stupid for suggesting it. I want to stop it.”
That profound stare—similar, sometimes, to Kane’s—eyed me long. Hard. And with such precision, I’d thought she had the super power of seeing straight through me. Me, and my façade.
Then, the Cheshire Cat smile.
“You do like him,” she stated, matter-of-factly. One brow lifted. “Mayhap even love.” Then her eyes rounded, and white showed completely around the hazel part. “Bugger me—you’ve had sex with him! You little minx!”
My face paled. “I—no! Murphy, be quiet!”
She laughed. “Bloody hell, Harper ol’ girl, I didn’t realize you were on the pull,” she continued to grin. Shake her head. “Damn me.”
I didn’t know what on the pull meant, but she had it all wrong. “No, Murphy,” I insisted. “We have not had sex. And I’ve not…pulled anything.”
Her face screwed up before she burst out laughing. She slapped her hand over her mouth. “Well, why not? There’s not a thing wrong with a good rumpy-pumpy,” she winked, “or a bit o’ slap and tickle—”
I couldn’t help it. I laughed, then caught myself. “Murphy! Stop it!” I hissed.
A slow, wide smile captured her face. “Well now. There’s something I don’t see too often enough.” She leaned closer, her knowing eyes roving my face. “Me thinks you’ve been a poser all this time, Ms. Belle. I rather fancy this new you.”
I sighed. “I don’t know what to do,” I confessed. “I didn’t think I’d, you know…”
“Fall for him?”
I didn’t want to completely confess it, so I just sort of shrugged. Gave a wan smile. Murphy pulled me into a hug, timid, at first, because she was used to me backing away. But I allowed it. And she hugged harder.
“Right. Well, what shall we do, hmm?” she looked at me. “Damn Josh, all he worries over are his twig and berries. I mean he’s totally fit and all
, but,” she blew out a breath. “He’s been a challenge, I’ll say.” She shrugged. “But I sort of like him, too. And Leslie? She’s got Jason eating out of her hand like a bloody dog searching for treats. I personally think that one’s off his trolley, but that’s neither here nor there.”
“Maybe I should call a meeting? Discuss cancelling the Dare?”
A sly grin pulled at her mouth. “I second that motion, Ms. Belle. Well done.”
The rest of the day flew by, and I’d felt somewhat lighter than I had in a long time. Just knowing the whole Dare thing was going to come to an end eased my mind. Truly, it hadn’t set right with me for some time—even before I’d kinda started falling for Kane. I’d just been so angry about the Kappas’ latest Dare victim, what they’d done to Olivia, that I hadn’t given much thought to what it truly meant. Despite the secrets I kept, I still had pride in the Deltas and what we stood for.
I’d let my anger lead me to an action that was irrational, and that made me little better than the Kappas.
I still wanted to keep a low profile with Kane—mainly because of his dealings with gambling. I’d wished I could try and convince him that there had to be something else he could do for income. He was intelligent—anyone could tell that just by talking to him. He was well-versed in so many subjects. Yet anytime I brought it up, he’d strategically shift gears. Change topics.
And, Kane had a way about him. A certain way that made me forget all about things like illegal gambling and betting on football games and taking money. The way he touched me with his eyes; how he held me in his arms? The way that profound stare never actually would leave mine?
It made me feel something I’d never, ever felt. In my life.
Cherished.
I hardly knew what to do about it.
The Christmas Bake Sale had gone well. We’d raised nearly a thousand dollars, which we split between the local Toys-for-Tots Christmas organization and the local soup kitchen for holiday dinners. Brax, although not completely convinced Kane should pursue me, had eased up on his brother and he and Kane had both helped pass out toys, and had worn red and white striped elf caps with bells on the end. Olivia and I had laughed, and for the first time in my life, everything seemed…real. Part of something other than a nightmare. And the more Kane was in my life, the more faded the ugly part of my past became.
My phone buzzed in my purse on my way out of Psych, and I stopped beneath the magnolia tree in the quad to answer it.
KANE: I HAVE A SURPRISE. DRESS WARM. DOUBLE WARM. MEET ME AT BRAX’S AT 6.
My mind flashed. I’d decided to call a meeting tonight, to disclose my reservations about the Dare. To bring it to an end. I suppose it could wait one more day.
ME: HINT? :-)
KANE: NICE TRY. SEE YA THEN.
When I got to Delta house, Murphy was just leaving. Friday night, she was no doubt heading to meet up with Josh. “Hey, can I borrow those fleece leggings again?” I asked.
She smiled and waved. “Second drawer, love. Right next to me knickers. And grab that black wooly jumper in the closet, too. It’ll look scrummy on you.”
“Thanks.” I shook my head, ran inside, and hurried through a shower. Pulling on the olive fleece leggings, I matched my Nordic winter boot socks, and a black turtle neck. I searched through Murphy’s closet. I knew a jumper was a sweater, only because she’d informed me of that British adjective not that long ago. It was baggy, hanging to my mid-thighs, but comfy and warm. Quickly, I dried my hair, applied a little make-up, pulled one of Murphy’s winter beanies over my head and zipped up my boots. Grabbing my bag, I headed out the door.
To Brax’s.
For some unknown surprise that left butterflies tickling my stomach.
“Why, bro? I don’t fuckin’ understand you, man!”
I stared calmly at Brax. He paced back and forth in his living room like a caged big cat. He’d stop. Rub his head. Put his hands on his hips, stare at the ceiling a moment. Swear. Pace more. I just waited.
“After everything we’ve been through, since we were kids,” Brax continued. “I don’t get why you have to do this.” He stopped and squatted down in front of where I sat on his sofa. “You’re better than this. I know you are. If I can escape it, brother, so can you.”
Brax didn’t know just how deep into the numbers I was.
How, no matter even if I did want out, I couldn’t get out. Not now. I looked at him, those crazy blue eyes pleading with me. I studied the scars he bore, and I remembered when they were fresh. Raw.
“I’ll be gone soon,” was all I could manage to say. “I won’t bring anything down on you, Brax—”
“Jesus, man, it’s not about that!” he growled. “You can’t keep up this life, Kane. The boys at the frat house might not be dangerous,” he pointed at me. “But I know you. You’re not playing with college boys. You’re using them as cover for the big boys.”
I eyed him quietly. Yeah, he knew me pretty well. “I’m not you, Brax,” I said. “I don’t have a golden arm. All I have is my perception and a way with numbers.” I gave him a stern look. “Let this go.”
“And let you what? Leave tread marks on Harper as you skid out of town?” he said harshly. “That ain’t you, either.”
He was definitely right about that. “I won’t hurt Harper,” I said.
“How can you make that promise when you know good and fuck well you’ll leave here. Leave her. You don’t think that’s hurting her?” He rubbed his head and stood. “She’s not like most girls here, man. There’s something about her. Something that reminds me of us.” He returned a hot glare at me. “I don’t think she’s the one you want to fuck over.”
“I’m not gonna fuck her over. Christ, Brax,” I said angrily.
“Leaving her behind? You’re gonna break her fuckin’ heart,” he said. “And you goddamn well know it.”
I stood, paced, found myself in the kitchen where I leaned against the counter. “I really like her, Brax. You’re right. She is different. She is like us.” With my hand I scrubbed the back of my neck. “It’s all I can think about.”
Some of the tension eased out of the harsh lines in Brax’s face. “So. What are you going to do about it?”
I shoved my fingers through my hair. “Hell if I know.” I looked at him. “I’ll talk to her.”
“I’m serious, Kane,” Brax said. “Something’s off with her. I’ve felt it ever since I first met her.” He looked at me. “I think she’s been through some serious shit. She doesn’t need you making things worse.”
I nodded, pushed out a sigh. “I recognize it, too. And I fuckin’ hate it.”
“Think about it,” Brax said. “Think about quitting the numbers, okay? Before you get in over your hard fuckin’ head.” He walked to me, draped an arm over my shoulder. “I love you, man. I don’t want to see you get hurt. Or Harper.”
I wished I could tell him. How I’d managed to keep it from him all these years, I didn’t know. But I didn’t want him to know. Didn’t want to put him or Olivia at any risk, and knowing Brax, he’d react in a way that would be unpredictable. “Can I borrow your bike?”
Brax looked at me with a hooded gaze. “Why?”
“I’d like to take Harper out on it. I don’t think she’s ever been on one before.” I nodded. “And I’ll talk to her.”
Brax rubbed his hand over his head. “I don’t fuckin’ like this, Kane. I don’t.”
“I’m going to see her whether you like it or not,” I informed. “I’m not asking permission. It’ll just be with your bike, or without.”
My brother glared at me for several moments. “All right. But talk to her. Don’t just brush her off or you’ll have me to fuckin’ deal with. And figure out about the numbers, Kane. I don’t want you getting into shit, then bringing that shit back here. Around Olivia.” His face grew tight. “We’d have a problem, then.”
I didn’t want to get his hopes up. But I didn’t want to leave my brother on bad terms. Before long, my tim
e here would be up. My welcome worn. And I’d have to go. “You got it,” I half-lied.
It was one of the hardest things I’d ever done, not telling Brax. But it was for his own good.
My phone buzzed in my pocket, and I glanced at the screen. “I gotta take this, man,” I said. Brax’s face grew tense, but he gave a nod, and I headed outside.
The cool air whisked against my face as I walked to my truck and leaned against it. “Yeah, well, that’s what I wanted to hear,” I said into the phone. “I don’t care that they’re going to be pissed. That’s the name of the game, man. It’s the chance you take when you place a bet. It’s why it’s called a bet.”
I listened for a moment, unworried. I’d had unhappy customers before. Plenty of times. Most people knew when they played numbers, there was always a crap chance they might win, or one where I would win. This time, I won.
“Make the pick-up,” I said. “I’ll deal with them tomorrow if they have a problem.”
I hung up, shoved my phone in my pocket, and craned my neck to look up at the sky. The late afternoon sun touched the lazy white clouds streaking overhead, burning the edges as dusk approached. I knew that once night fell, billions of stars would blink, linger. I understood Olivia’s fascination of them.
Just like I understood Brax’s fascination of Olivia.
Rather, his love. Damn. My baby brother was in serious, serious love.
Would I ever be free to do the same?
“You’re joking.”
Kane’s soft laugh made his eyes dance. “I’m not.” His head dipped, and firm, slightly cool lips pressed against mine, swiped once more, then opened his eyes and looked at me. Mine were open and now they crossed.
“Do you trust me?” he asked.
“I do.” I didn’t even hesitate. It was frightening, yet there it was. “But I’ve never been on a motorcycle before.”
Kane drew his brows together. “You live in Texas and don’t own a pair of jeans, either,” he accused, and leaned close so that his lips hovered over mine. “And until recently, you’ve never been kissed.” He pressed his mouth to mine. “New experiences, Ms. Belle. There’s a million of them, just waiting for you.”