Behind the Lens

by Heather Dahlgren

  “Umm, because we’ve never shot one-on-one before. I just want to make sure you are comfortable.” He stands up, pulls his shirt over his head, and throws it on the couch. Oh fuck, this is going to be harder than I thought. I already feel my pussy getting wet.

  “I think I’m good. Come on, let’s do this.” I don’t even say anything. I just nod my head. We get into the studio, and I feel at home. My nervousness disappears and I feel relaxed.

  “Alright, let’s start with some shots by the backdrop. A few with your shirt on . . .” I look at him, and he laughs as he pulls it over his head. “And then we will do some without a shirt, then without pants. Sound good?” He makes his way over to the black backdrop and stands in front of it.

  “Yep, sounds good.” For the next half hour, I take several different shots of him with and without his shirt. He’s such a natural. I don’t need to give much instruction at all for what I want. The next part will be a little harder for me I think.

  “Jax, I want you to undo your jeans and let them hang open for a few shots before you take them off.” He winks at me and slowly unbuttons them before pulling down the zipper even more slowly. At least it all seems to be in slow motion to me, but shit, maybe I’m wrong. I hold up my camera and begin shooting. He gives the perfect expressions with every shot, and I’m excited to move on. “Alright, pants off.” He laughs as he slides them off.

  “Not the way I pictured you asking me to take my pants off, Kallie.” As much as I want to smack him for taking it there, I can’t help but laugh.

  “You wish. Ready?” He nods and gets right back into the serious model he is.

  I have him move over to the bed and do a ton of shots on it. I’m standing over him snapping away while his hands are dangerously close to his cock. A cock I can tell just from seeing him in his tight, gray underwear is huge. I shake my head slightly and focus on the shoot. I climb off the bed and have him put his arms under his head and turn slightly to me. The seductive look on his face will be melting the panties off every woman who sees this. Shit, it has mine pretty wet. This never, ever, happens to me, and I’m not sure it’s a good thing. I don’t like the idea of being turned on while doing a shoot. It feels wrong. What makes it worse is that I am going to have him completely naked in just a few minutes to finish the shoot. I need to get myself under control here. After taking a few more shots like this of him, I know I need to do it. I clear my throat and smile at him. “Now I’m going to ask you to remove your underwear. We will do this several different ways. I want a few on the bed first, and then we will finish up in the bathroom for some shower shots and tub shots. I’ll go grab you a towel while you remove them.” I quickly go into the bathroom and get a big white towel for him to use when moving to the bathroom. I take a few deep breaths before heading back out. When I get there, he is lying completely naked in the bed, and my eyes go right to the most amazing cock I have ever seen. I knew he was going to be big, but holy fuck. He’s completely shaven, making it that much more inviting. What the fuck? I need to focus here. “So let’s start with you lying on your back and the sheet draped over your . . . ummm . . .” Holy fuck, I can’t speak. I’m just staring like a fool. Say something, you twit, why can’t I say cock, or dick, or shit, manhood.

  “My cock?” I snap my head to his, and he is smiling with absolute delight. Asshole.

  “Yep, yes, your cock.” I go over to fix the sheet, and it feels intimate, too intimate. I can feel my hands shaking as I’m trying to get the sheet to cover him just enough. He grabs my hands, pulling my attention to his face.

  “Kallie, relax. It’s just me.” I nod my head and he grins. “I’d be lying if I said this wasn’t a little awkward, but I know how professional you are. Focus on that because I sure as fuck am trying to.” He’s right, I can’t see this for anything more than it is, and that is a photo shoot. I need to get my head back on straight and out of this inappropriate thinking.

  “I’m so sorry, Jax. You’re right.” I adjust the sheet and climb up onto the bed to get a few shots. “Great, now turn onto your side and look at me over your shoulder.” He does, and I’m met with his perfect ass. I close my eyes tightly for a minute and talk myself down. I take a few shots completely infatuated in what I’m seeing. “Perfect, now lay on your stomach with your arms in front of you, like you are reaching for me.” He does it, and holy shit, it’s sexy as sin. I get several of just his face and arms before including the rest of his perfectly muscular body. I grab the towel and hand it to him. “Amazing, Jax. You can take a few minutes while I go fill the tub and add bubbles.” He doesn’t say anything and just takes the towel from me. I start filling the tub and add a ton of bubbles. I am starting to sweat, so I pull my hair into a ponytail and pull off my T-shirt, leaving me in my tight white tank. I swallow a few times before sticking my head out to him. “Whenever you are ready, Jax.” He comes in with the towel wrapped dangerously low on his hips.

  “Tub or shower first?” He’s so relaxed, and I fucking wish I were right there with him. Normally, I am, but with him, it’s completely different.

  “I usually do tub first so you can rinse off in the shower.” He drops his towel and climbs into the tub. I laugh, and he looks over his shoulder at me while getting in. “I was going to tell you to check the temperature before you did that.” He chuckles and sits down facing me.

  “It’s cold, but that’s what I need.” Please let that be because he’s hot like I am. Although I have a feeling, it’s not. I don’t even acknowledge what he says. I just grab my camera. The tub shots are very seductive. The way he is looking at me with soap running down his chest will make any woman want to climb right in there. I kneel on the edge of the tub while he kneels in the water, and I get some extremely sexy shots before his cock is uncovered. With my wet panties and hardened nipples, I get off the tub.

  “Let’s finish off in the shower. After I take the shots, I’ll leave and let you really shower and get dressed.” He climbs out of the tub, and I hold out my hand to help him. He grabs it and winks at me.

  “Why leave? You’ve seen everything anyway.” I drop his hand and dry mine on a towel. I’ve done well, and I’m not going to fuck up at this point. I’ll stay professional, well, as professional as I can be, considering I want to climb into the shower with him.

  “Jax, get your ass in the shower.” He laughs and climbs in. “You can set it to the temperature you like.” He turns it on and the water starts pounding on him. I just start shooting without saying another word. He leans his hands on the wall in front of him with his head down, allowing the water to run down his back and face. He turns and tilts his head back, and I honestly feel like I’m watching him shower. After several shots, there is one final one, and we are done. “Last shot, I want you to cover your cock with your hands, lean your head back, but turn to look at me. This way, I can get a full body shot.” He does exactly what I said, and even though I am getting splashed by the water, I don’t care because these shots are so fucking erotic. I take a few different poses with him covering himself before I call it done. “Alright, that’s it. I’m extremely happy with all the shots. I’ll let you shower.” I put my camera down and grab a towel to dry myself off a bit when Jax reaches out and pulls me almost into the shower. We both just stare into each other’s eyes, and I don’t notice his breathing, but mine is heavy with arousal. He runs his wet hand down my face, cupping my cheek, and keeps our eyes locked.

  “It’s getting harder for me, Kallie. I’m trying so fucking hard.” As soon as I realize what he means, I pull away from him. I can’t, I won’t, do this.

  “See you out there when you are done.” I grab my camera and rush out of the studio. I go into my bedroom and get dry clothes to change into. I look into the mirror and see that my bra is completely visible through my wet shirt and my face is flushed with need. I’m so fucking angry with myself. I pull off all my clothes and throw them across the room. I put on dry clothes, including a new bra and panties, and sit down on my bed
. I drop my head into my hands and feel tears stinging my eyes. Why the fuck does he have to be a model? I’m so attracted to him. I can’t remember the last time, if ever, I’ve felt this way. But nothing can happen, ever. It hurts my heart, but I know it’s the right thing. I sit in silence for a while and beat myself up for these thoughts and feelings.

  “Kallie?” Shit. I get up and go out into the living room where Jax is calling my name.

  “Great shoot today, Jax. Thank you so much. I’ll have everything edited in a few days and send them to you.” I start walking toward the door, hoping he will just take the hint and leave.

  “Kallie, maybe we need to talk.” I spin around and pin him with a glare.

  “No, we don’t. The shoot is over, and I have shit to do. I’ll be in touch.” He moves closer to me and glares right back at me.

  “You’ll be in touch? What the fuck is that supposed to mean? You can’t handle feeling something toward me, so I’m dismissed? That’s fucked up, and you know it. We are both fighting this, in case you didn’t know.” I close my eyes and try to get my emotions under control. I open them and look at him with sympathy.

  “Jax, you know I can’t act on anything, so let’s not make it any harder. Maybe we need to take a step away for a while.” He backs me up until my back hits the door.

  “Not a shot in hell. I’ll take you any way I can, and if it’s as friends, fine. I’m not about to lose you completely.” I feel the tears again, but I blink them away before he can notice.

  “Friends is one thing, this . . .” I point a finger between us. “This is something completely inappropriate. I won’t do it, Jax.” He leans down to my ear, and I am overcome by his closeness and scent.

  “You make it sound dirty, sexy, I like that. I told you, I’ll be just friends, but I’m not going to give up on this, but I won’t push you either.” He kisses below my ear and steps back, leaving me weak in the knees, breathless, and completely confused. He reaches for the door handle, and I move out of his way. “I’ll call you later.” He closes the door, and I slide onto the floor and cry for the first time in years.

  I spent a majority of my time after Jax left sitting on the couch staring at the TV but not watching it. My mind is so fucked up right now. I keep thinking about the way it felt when he was whispering in my ear, and I shouldn’t be. I called Brinley to talk, but she was in the middle of a shoot. So I’ve resorted to sitting here with my mind running on crazy. Thankfully, my phone rings and I grab it, hoping for a distraction. “Hello?”

  “Hey, Kallie.” I sit up straight and smile at Braden’s voice. My brother is just the person to get my mind occupied.

  “Hey, what’s up?” I hear Tiffany and Dawn in the background for a second before hearing a door close and it’s silent.

  “I was just calling to see how you were. I haven’t heard from you, and with your birthday coming up, I wanted to see what your plans were.” I love my brother; he never once forgot my birthday.

  “Well, we still have three weeks.” I laugh and adjust my position on the couch. “I really don’t have any plans yet. Brinley mentioned going out, but I haven’t agreed yet. Do you have something in mind?” I’m sure he doesn’t, but it doesn’t hurt to ask.

  “You know me. I leave that up to Sarah. I definitely want to get together at some point though, because Sarah, the kids, and I are going to be leaving to visit her family for a while. She’s overwhelmed with the girls, and I can only be so much help with working all the time.” I hate the idea of them being on the east coast, but that is where her family is.

  “How long are you going for?” He’s quiet for a minute before he clears his throat.

  “A month, maybe more.” I sit up quickly onto the edge of the couch, and my eyes widen.

  “A month? Why the hell do you need to stay that long?” I don’t like the idea of not seeing my brother for that length of time. The girls too, they will be so big by the time they get back, and I’ll miss it all.

  “Kallie, listen, Sarah is going through a lot, and she needs her family right now. I can’t do it all, but I won’t let her go without me.” I’m so fucking confused.

  “What’s wrong? I don’t understand.” He sighs, and I can tell he is pacing the floor because I keep hearing that old wood squeak every time he steps on it.

  “She’s overwhelmed with the girls. It’s a lot to handle, and the change of going from one to two was a bit more shocking then we anticipated. Her mom wants to help her but can’t leave her grandfather, so Sarah wants to go there. It’s for the best, believe me.” I’m already emotional, thanks to Jax, and now this. What the hell? I feel like everything I know or believe in is slowly starting to crumble around me.

  “What about work? Will they allow you to work from North Carolina?” He laughs, and I want to cry, knowing I only have a limited time to hear that laugh in person.

  “Yes, I’ve already talked to them. I work from home anyway, so it won’t be a problem. I just need to make sure I have somewhere to work in the house. It’s pretty crowded.”

  “I can’t say I’m happy about any of it, I’ll miss you all terribly, but if you think it’s for the best, I’m sure it is. I would like to come see the girls soon though.” I know he is mulling everything over. He hates change as much as I do.

  “Of course, you let me know, and we’ll figure something out. Now enough about me. What’s going on with you?” I can’t stop myself once I start talking. I didn’t want to tell him, but it just started coming out. Now he knows anything and everything about Jax.

  “I can’t tell you what to do, you’re an adult now. However, if you even think you might want to start something with him, I’d do it soon. I can tell you right now that if you don’t act on it soon, you will regret it when he walks in with a girl on his arm. It will happen, Kall.” Damn, it just makes me feel worse. I can’t break my rules though.

  “It’s complicated, Braden. Listen, I need to get some work done, but I’ll text you after I look at my calendar about when I want to come over. I’m here if you need anything. Love you.”

  “Same goes for you. Love you too.” We hang up, and I sit there trying to let it all soak in. He’s leaving me, and Jax will leave me if I don’t give in. How the fuck did I get here? I fall back on the couch and close my eyes.

  I must have fallen asleep because my phone ringing scares the crap out of me. “Hello?” I hear Brinley giggle on the other end.

  “You sound great. I’m on my way over with food and alcohol, you sounded like you could use it.” I clear my throat of the sleep and sit up, pulling my knees to my chest.

  “I’m not drinking, but I am hungry.” She laughs this time, and it actually helps my mood just a fraction.

  “One glass won’t hurt. I’ll be there in five.” She hangs up on me, and I realize what a great friend she is. She knows without me even saying that I not only need to talk but need the company. I turn my phone off and toss it onto the table, so I’m not able to drunk dial anyone tonight.

  WHEN I LEFT KALLIE’S LAST week, I was pissed; no, I was beyond pissed. I was hoping to calm down on the drive home, but it only made it worse. I walked into the house, grabbed a beer out of the fridge, and went out back to think. She is so fucking confusing. One minute, I think she is finally going to let me in, and the next, she is blowing me off. I get that she has this idea that being with a model is inappropriate, and in any other circumstance, I would agree, but damn it, I’m not just looking for a quick fuck. I want to be with her. I want to call her my girl. I mean, I saw her expression when I was naked on the bed, she liked what she saw, and she was turned on. I wanted her under me so badly, to feel her soft skin on mine, to explore every inch of her body. I never had such a difficult time trying to not get hard. My cock was fully aware of her presence, but when I saw her hand shaking, I knew I had to think with the head on my shoulders. She’s the best photographer I’ve ever worked with, and I wanted to make sure she was comfortable shooting me. Once she relaxed, the photog
rapher in her came shining through. After the shoot when I grabbed her hand and pulled her closer to the shower, it felt so incredibly intimate, so real. I knew when she ran that she felt it too, but when I wanted to talk about it and she dismissed me, holy shit, I was enraged. Which is why I’m sitting here nursing this beer and smoking like a chimney. I’ve never felt like this in my life. Never felt this connection, this intensity, this desire . . . but when it’s not being returned, it’s a slap to the face and dick.

  “You want to talk about it, brother?” I turn my head to Blake and lift my beer. “Gotcha.” He sits down in the chair next to mine, and we just sit in silence for a while.

  “I think I’m falling in love with her.” I know he is staring at me, but I refuse to look at him. I’ve only just admitted it to myself as I said it out loud; I’m not about to see his expression of disgust.

  “Jax, you can’t be serious. You’ve never been on a date, how could you love her?” He’s right. I can’t explain it, I don’t fucking understand it. How is it possible to fall in love with someone that you’ve never went on a date with, never held, never kissed?

  “I don’t know, brother, but I think I do.” I’ve never in my life felt this disconnected with the guy that I am. I knew who I was, what I wanted, and now it’s completely changed, in just a few months.

  “Listen, this isn’t you. I’ve known you forever, I know you. You’re just confused because your dick is talking. You need to let this go, move on. Go to the bar and bring home a chick. Fuck her brains out. That’s what you need to do. Stop feeling sorry for yourself, because you’re the one causing it. She told you straight up how it was, and you just keep holding on. Let go.” I turn my head and glare at him. The anger is stirring inside of me.

  “Fuck you, Blake. Stop telling me who I am or how I feel. Why is it so hard to accept the fact that I don’t want to just fuck some chick, I want Kallie.” He laughs and throws his head back, looking up at the sky.