My Soul Loves

by Barbara Gee

  With the boxes full and the closet and drawers empty, I sat on her bed and looked around. There were a few things hanging on the walls that I still needed to pack up, but there was one I knew I’d keep forever. It was an old-fashioned cross-stitch piece my grandma had embroidered after they got married, then mounted in a frame my grandpa had made for it. It had hung over Grandma’s bed for as long as I could remember.

  I have found the one whom my soul loves.

  Song of Solomon 3:4

  I sighed longingly. I knew the verse could mean either Jesus or an earthly love, but in this case, Grandma had made the wall hanging with Grandpa in mind, and I loved that she’d felt so deeply for him.

  I’m glad you found him, Grandma. The one your soul loves. I found mine, too, but it’s not looking good for my own happily ever after.

  I reached over and picked up her Bible from the nightstand, remembering the many times I’d come to her room for something and found her propped up against her pillows reading it. I started leafing through it and ended up sitting there for an hour reading verses and passages she’d highlighted, as well as things she’d written in the margins in tiny, neat printing.

  I took the Bible to the other bedroom and put it on the nightstand I was using. It was another thing I’d never part with.

  ***

  On Wednesday evening, Chase came over to help me carry all the boxes downstairs to be ready for the thrift store pickup I’d scheduled for the next day, and also to help me move my furniture into the master bedroom. We put Grandma’s furniture out in the hall where mine had been, where it would stay until I decided what I wanted to do with it.

  Chase had readily agreed to come over, and he was friendlier than I’d expected, but he didn’t mention his best friend. Not even in passing.

  I knew that wasn’t a good sign, but I wasn’t ready to give up. After Chase left, I decided I’d give Jude until Friday to get back to me. If I hadn’t heard anything by that evening, I was going to go over to his house. If he wasn’t home, I’d go back the next evening. And the next.

  I would see him again. Maybe only one time, but at least I’d get the chance to say what I needed to say.

  It hurt to know he was in no hurry to see me, but I was well aware that I’d hurt him first.

  ***

  At seven o’clock on Friday, I was five minutes away from Jude’s beautiful house in the woods. I still hadn’t heard from him, so I was forcing the issue. My heart was thudding so hard it was vibrating in my ears, and my mouth was bone-dry.

  I had no idea how he was going to react. Would he be open to listening? Indifferent? Or furious that I’d shown up without an invitation?

  Although I was trying to prepare myself for the worst, I wasn’t going to change my mind and chicken out. This talk had to happen.

  I turned off the main road and started climbing the mountain, my grip on the steering wheel so tight my fingers were starting to cramp. The drive was just as gorgeous as I remembered, but I was far too nervous to enjoy it. I fervently wished I was on my way back down the mountain, my mission accomplished, instead of getting ever closer to Jude’s house.

  I flexed my hands as I made the turn onto his lane, reaching up to smooth my hair and run a fingertip under my eyes to wipe away any stray smudges of mascara. Please, God, give me the courage I need to do this.

  I drove slowly, wondering if his truck would be there. Did I want it to be, so I could get this over with, or did I want a reprieve and a chance to regroup? At this point, I honestly wasn’t sure.

  When the house came into view, I frowned and came to a stop. There was a truck there, but it wasn’t Jude’s. So now what?

  I was so tempted to turn around and leave, but I’d come this far. If I turned tail now, I knew I’d regret it as soon as I got home.

  I took a deep breath and drove forward, parking behind the truck. It looked brand new. Maybe JP had already replaced his wrecked one, even though it would be a while before he could drive it.

  I gave myself a few minutes to gather my courage. Even if Jude wasn’t home, it was likely JP was and could tell me when he expected his brother to return. If it wasn’t going to be long, I’d come back out to my car and wait.

  As I walked toward the porch, I had the sudden and very unwelcome thought that Jude might be out on a date. The idea of that was completely devastating, but after a moment of feeling like I was going to throw up, I approached the front door with even more determination. This thing needed to be resolved. I had to know where I stood.

  I knocked on the door—there was no bell—and waited. After a moment, I heard a man’s voice call out, “It’s not locked. Come on in.”

  I inhaled, exhaled, and turned the knob.

  ***

  I found JP Keller lying on a couch, propped up with pillows. Even without the cast on his leg, I’d have known it was him because Hannah had been right—JP and Jude definitely looked like brothers. Enough that it threw me for a bit of a loop as I approached.

  I licked my lips nervously and hoped for the best. “Um, hello. I’m Ava Milton. You must be JP.”

  “What gave it away?” he asked, his smile polite but not genuine.

  I winced. “Right. Um, I’m really sorry about your accident. Hannah Owens is my neighbor and she’s been keeping me updated. She said you’re doing better than expected.”

  His token smile faded. “Depends on who’s doing the expecting, I guess.” His eyes narrowed slightly when I stopped at the end of the couch. “Ava Milton,” he said slowly. “I’ve heard that name.”

  “Oh, yeah, well, that’s probably because Jude and I were, um, seeing each other for a short time.”

  He shook his head slowly. “No, that wasn’t it. He hasn’t mentioned you.” His expression turned thoughtful. “Although I think maybe you just answered a question I’ve had. One Jude’s been side-stepping.”

  I wasn’t sure what he meant by that, but I was pretty sure I knew who else might have mentioned me to him. Not that I dared bring Myla into this.

  “Do you know when Jude might be back?” I asked, before he could figure it out.

  His eyes narrowed. “He didn’t know you were coming?”

  I swallowed and shook my head. “No. We’re….uh…..not talking a lot right now. But I really need to see him.”

  “Don’t tell me he knocked you up and now he’s not returning your calls.”

  My mouth fell open in shock, but then I saw a totally unexpected glint of humor in his eyes, which were the same shape as Jude’s, but more navy than denim.

  I relaxed a bit and smiled. “No, I’m definitely not knocked up. I really do need to talk to him, though.”

  “Does he want to talk to you?” JP asked shrewdly.

  I answered honestly. “I don’t think so, but he needs to hear what I have to say, and I really need to say it. After that I promise I’ll leave him alone.”

  “Are you the reason he isn’t his normal sunny self these days?”

  The question took me off guard, but as I thought about it, I felt a burst of hope and answered before thinking. “I don’t know, but I sure hope so.”

  JP raised his brows in surprise and I quickly tried to explain. “I don’t mean that in a bad way. I want Jude to be happy. It’s just that, if he’s not his normal self, it could mean he still cares enough to hear me out.”

  He studied me for a long, uncomfortable moment, his gaze piercing.

  “Will whatever you have to say make him feel better or worse?” he finally asked.

  His question made me smile, despite its seriousness. “You kind of have that protective big brother thing going on, huh?”

  He shrugged with one shoulder, then grimaced and put his hand lightly over the ribs on his right side. “Let’s just say Jude needed a lot of protecting growing up. He had a smart mouth and no fear. I guess I never learned to stop watching out for him.”

  I felt myself relaxing even more, in spite of JP’s gruffness. “That’s not a bad thing, I suppose
. Jude’s probably glad to know you’ve still got his back.”

  He chuckled darkly. “He might not be happy about me screening his visitors, though.” He pointed to a chair. “Have a seat, if you want. Jude should be home in about fifteen minutes. He went to get a pizza. As you can see, his appliances haven’t come in yet, so there’s not a lot of cooking going on here.”

  I took the opportunity to look around. The kitchen was stunning. It was true there were still holes where the fridge, stove, and dishwasher would go, but all the cabinets were in, and the granite countertops and backsplash were gorgeous.

  As far as the living room, there was only the couch, currently occupied by JP, a large square coffee table, and a recliner. There was room for much more, but I approved of Jude’s choices so far. The dark leather was very well suited for the style of the home.

  I sat gingerly on the recliner, nervous all over again now that I knew Jude was going to be home soon and I’d see him after all. Unless he took one look at my car and threw his truck into reverse.

  “So how long have you lived in Hidden Creek?” JP asked.

  “Six weeks. I inherited my Grandma’s house and decided to move in.”

  I didn’t tell him I’d been visiting the town since I was young, because if I told him too much, he’d soon associate me with Myla.

  Only that happened anyway. I saw the exact moment he put it together. His blue eyes went flat, his face carefully expressionless.

  “Gwendolyn Milton’s place,” he said softly.

  I nodded, and he released a long breath. “You’re friends with Myla Garrettt.”

  I nodded again.

  “So I assume you’ve heard all about me,” he said, his lips twisting into a bitter smile. “Any chance you want to hear my side of the story?”

  I gave a little huff. “I don’t even know her side.”

  He looked a little dubious. “Not that good of friends, then?”

  I glared at him. “We’re best friends and have been since we were eight. She just won’t talk about what happened with you. Not to anyone. Not even after all these years.”

  I thought I saw a flash of pain shadow his eyes, but then he raised a hand and rubbed them, and when he looked at me again, his expression was back to being shuttered.

  “If she would’ve told you, you wouldn’t want to be in the same room as me. And unfortunately, my side of the story wouldn’t change your mind. I fully admit what happened was my fault.” His voice was low and strained. “As her best friend, I want you to know I’m sorry.”

  My throat felt tight because I could tell he meant it. “I wish you would’ve told her that,” I said gently.

  “I did. Multiple times. It wasn’t enough.” He shifted his position slightly, pulling in a quick breath and wincing as he did so. “I didn’t know she was leaving town until it was too late, and she couldn’t get calls in boot camp. I tracked her down after that and tried again. After a few months of her ignoring all my efforts, I finally gave up.”

  “I wish she would’ve talked to you. Maybe it would have given her some closure.”

  “Or maybe it would’ve made it worse,” JP said, rubbing his eyes again. “Guess we’ll never know.”

  “No, I guess not.”

  “I’ll help you with Jude,” he said, taking me off guard with his unexpected offer. “I don’t know what’s going on with you two, but I do know he’s hurting. Maybe things will end differently for you guys than they did for Myla and me.”

  “Thanks,” I said sadly. “It might end the same, though. I don’t think he’s going to want to talk to me.”

  “Nah, he wants to, even if he won’t admit it. You were right when you said he wouldn’t be so miserable if he didn’t care. And believe me, he’s miserable. He’s trying to hide it, but we all see it.”

  I rubbed my hands along my thighs, feeling pretty rotten myself. “You might regret your offer to help. I haven’t handled things very well, and I have to admit he has good reason for not wanting to see me right now.”

  “The offer stands.”

  I hadn’t expected to like JP Keller, but I kind of did. Myla would be angry if she knew, but I couldn’t think about that now.

  “All I need is for Jude to listen to me for five minutes,” I said earnestly. “Just long enough for me to explain things. If he doesn’t want me around after that, I’ll respect his wishes.”

  JP let his head fall back against his pillow. I offered to adjust it for him, but he shook his head and said it was fine.

  “How is she?” he asked, sounding weary and resigned. “I assume you still talk to her?”

  Oh, so we were back to Myla. It felt weird to be talking about her with the man responsible for driving her away from Hidden Creek. I had to be careful—she wouldn’t want me to give him a lot of details.

  “We talk all the time,” I said, “except for lately. She’s what they call TDY, on some kind of training mission or something, and she can’t have any contact with the outside world. I haven’t talked to her in almost a month.”

  “She’s doing okay?” he asked, his voice rough.

  I shrugged. “She’s getting there,” I told him, and then I added, “you really did a number on her.”

  “Yeah. I know I did.” That was all he said, but those five words carried a wealth of regret.

  I twisted my hands together as I wondered whether Jude and I were going to end up in the same situation—both of us hurting but unable to work it out. Before my thoughts could move any further along that line, I heard a door slam outside. My eyes flew to JP, who was looking at me speculatively, obviously wondering how I was going to handle Jude’s momentary appearance.

  I pressed a hand to my stomach, feeling sick. “I shouldn’t have come,” I said, my voice shaky. “He doesn’t want to see me. He might be mad. I don’t know what to do now.”

  “He won’t be mad,” JP said, a hint of warmth in his eyes. “Just ask him to talk to you. If he won’t, go ahead and leave for now, but don’t give up. Keep wearing him down until he gives you those five minutes.” His eyes bored into mine. “Trust me, you’ll always, always regret it if you don’t.”

  I nodded and looked at him thoughtfully. “Thanks for the advice. You’re a lot nicer than I expected.” After I said it, I realized how judgmental it sounded. I smiled self-consciously and looked down at my hands. “Sorry. I tend to lose my filter when I’m terrified.”

  “Ava,” JP said softly. I looked back up, knowing my eyes showed my panic. He smiled gently. “You can do this. Go out there and fix whatever’s broken, okay?”

  I gave him a shaky smile. “I’ll try. I’m so sorry for breaking it in the first place.”

  We both looked at the front door again, then each other. JP scratched his jaw.

  “You’d better get out there before he talks himself into leaving.”

  I swallowed and grabbed the arms of the chair. “Okay,” I said on an exhale, pushing to my feet. “Here goes the good old nothing.”

  “Good luck. Oh, and bring the pizza in before you two get into it, okay?” he drawled. “Don’t want it getting cold.”

  I tossed a not-so-serious glare over my shoulder as I walked, appreciating his attempt to lighten the mood a bit. He really was completely different than I’d expected.

  I got all the way to the door, where I hesitated a few seconds.

  Courage, Ava.

  Just like I’d done a few minutes ago, I inhaled, exhaled, then turned the knob and opened the door. And there he was.

  My heart felt like it completely stopped, then restarted with a jolt of adrenaline I felt from head to toe.

  Jude.

  He was standing unmoving at the edge of the porch, facing the yard. His hands were in his pockets, his shoulder propped against a post. I couldn’t tell if he’d been waiting for me or trying to gear himself up before coming inside.

  I closed the door softly and just stood there, drinking him in. The strong, wide shoulders, the lean waist and tight butt
, the endless legs. Somehow it was all even better than I remembered.

  Oh, Jude. I almost sank to my knees. I missed him so much—needed him so much.

  He turned his head, giving me his profile, letting me know he knew I was there. Waiting for me to say why.

  I had to close my eyes for a second. Seeing him had made me forget everything I’d planned to say, and I needed to refocus.

  “Okay, Ava,” he said when I stayed mute, the sound of his voice sending a shiver up my spine. “You’re here, I’m here….I guess that makes it time to talk.”

  I wrapped my arms around my stomach, my whole body tense. I cleared my throat nervously and forced the words out. “I’m sorry to just show up like this. I was afraid you’d never call. Or text. Or….anything.”

  There was a moment of silence, then he said quietly, “I know the feeling.” I saw his shoulders rise and fall on a heavy sigh, then he slowly turned around. When our eyes met it felt like a physical connection. It tore me to pieces. I miss you, Jude. Can you feel how much?

  He looked away first, then bent over and picked up the pizza box he’d set on an Adirondack chair. “I’ll be right back.”

  I sank down onto a chair to wait, but soon realized I was too jittery for that. I got back up and went over to the porch railing, gripping it with both hands. I prayed for the courage to say my piece, even though I knew there was a better-than-good chance Jude wouldn’t tell me what I so badly wanted to hear.

  I thought I’d geared myself up for that. I thought I might even be able to accept it graciously. But now that I’d seen him, I wasn’t so sure.

  I didn’t want to let him go. I didn’t know if I could.

  I closed my eyes and prayed some more. This wasn’t only about what I wanted. I couldn’t force Jude to feel the same way I did. Showing up uninvited and requesting five or ten minutes of his time to explain myself—that might not be too much to ask. But expecting him to forgive me and to agree to pick up where we left off…..yeah, that probably was.

  When the door opened again, I turned to face him. He tipped his head toward the chairs.

  “You want to sit?”

  “No, thanks.”