Louise: A New Beginning

by Diana Nixon

Five months. . .it had been five months since I had seen or spoken to Will, and it seemed like a hell of a lot longer than that. And the more time that passed, the more difficult it was for me to continue brushing him off, and for what? All so I could be free, truly free for the first time in my entire life. . .at times being free didn’t seem entirely worth the torture I was putting the both of us through, but I needed to do it; not for him but for myself.

  God knows I never wanted to leave Will, but I didn’t have a choice. I didn’t want to make him suffer because of my inability to let my past go. There were things that I needed to take care of before I would finally be able to let myself be happy and trust Will, without looking back at my life before him, and feeling sorry for myself. I needed to learn how to be grown up and independent. And even though I knew I could call Will anytime, and he would be here the second his phone rang, I didn’t call. . . Not even once, not even to hear his rich voice that I could still hear in the back of my mind whenever I closed my eyes and let my memory take me back to him.

  I missed him more than words could even begin to describe. There wasn’t a day that I didn’t fight my desire to see him. Sometimes when my need to be close to Will hit its breaking point, I would pick up the phone to call him, but somehow I found the strength to stop myself from dialing the number I so desperately wanted to call and dialed Christopher’s number instead, asking him to share a cup of coffee with me. Our talks always made me feel better. I asked him about Will and he told me different funny stories from his childhood, or what he was doing now.

  I wanted Will to be a part of my life again. I wanted nothing more than to tell him about the school I got into and my first solo performance, but more than anything else I just wanted him to see me dance again, I had learned so many new moves since he saw me last, and I wanted to show them off to the one person I loved more than life itself. That is how our story started – with a dance. And I wanted to dance for him again, to ignite the fire in his eyes that I missed seeing so much, to know that he wanted to be with me again, lip to lip, skin to skin. . .

  I even started thinking about saying to hell with my pride, and just calling him, begging him to come to my apartment and just. . .stay with me. But then, reality came knocking at my door and my fantasies vanished like the moon in the rays of daylight. I realized that I was not ready to see him. I knew the moment he locked me in his tight embrace, I would stay there forever. And maybe that was the exact place I wanted to spend the rest of my life, but for now, it was too soon to go there.

  My doorbell rang, breaking me out of my musings. I looked at the clock on the wall and frowned. It showed eight thirty in the morning. Who would come to see me that early without my prior knowledge? Christopher never showed up at my door without calling ahead first, and there was no one else I expected to see at the threshold of my apartment on a Sunday morning. The girls I hung out with from Le Papillon, always had late night shows on Saturdays, so they never woke up that early.

  I put a robe over my shirt – one of Will’s that I took from his place to have something to remind me of him – and went to answer the door.

  When I opened it, I saw a man I had never seen before behind it. He was probably in his late forties, and even though I knew I had never met him, he looked at me as if he already knew me and everything about me. There were also two other men in black suits hanging back behind him, they looked like bodyguards.

  “We need to talk,” the man said, letting himself in. He didn't even stop to see if I wanted him in my home, which I must say, was quite scary, considering he was a complete and total stranger. He was at least three times bigger and probably ten times stronger than I was. The two men who accompanied him to my door, waited outside while he strolled into my living room, but they didn’t let me close the door. My first thought was to run. But then, I looked at the stone-faced bodyguards blocking the exit of my apartment and realized that running would hardly be an option.

  My eyes traveled to my unexpected guest. My heart began to race, I was terrified and my heart knew all about it. He stopped in the middle of my living room and looked around, but he didn’t say anything. It was as if he was waiting for me to offer him a seat or a cup of tea. My apartment wasn’t big, but it was clean and cozy, and I could afford to pay for it, which was the biggest advantage of the place. Besides, it was situated just a few blocks from my school, which saved me plenty of time and stress avoiding New York’s ‘wonderful’ traffic, and I didn’t mind walking either.

  My guest was rather tall, with dark blond hair, carefully coiffured, and deep green eyes that somehow looked familiar to me.

  “You have got to be kidding me. . .” I whispered, putting my hand over my mouth. I felt completely stunned when it dawned on me who this man must have been. “To what do I owe the honor of seeing you first thing in the morning, Daddy?”

  He smirked, obviously surprised that I noticed the strong resemblance between us.

  “I thought it was time for us to know more about one another, Louise. You are my daughter after all.”

  No, shit! I smiled as politely as I could under the circumstances. “How very. . .” I paused, trying to think of an appropriate word for his behavior and then chose the least offensive, “Parentlike of you.”

  “I don’t need, nor want your irony, young lady. We both know the real reason for my sudden visit.”

  “Oh, yeah? Remind me, what is that?” I didn’t like the man from the second I laid my eyes on him. He acted exactly how I had always imagined he would. Even though I never expected him to actually come to see me, I was more than happy to know that my existence bothered him, and maybe even scared him. Of course, I would have never believed that he was here out of pure, fatherly love for me.

  “Why did you decide to leave Le Papillon? Didn’t you like living there?”

  “Almost as much as I loved living in Paradise,” I snapped back.

  “I’m not here to argue with you, Louise. I’ve been hiding the truth about your existence for a long time, and I would like it to stay a secret.”

  Smirking, I crossed my arms. “Tell me something I don’t know.” Did the asshole really believe that I would ever want to call him my father? If he did, he was even denser than he looked.

  “Don’t get me wrong, but you are grown up now and you know my name. You could use your knowledge against me, and that is the last thing I want to deal with before the elections.”

  “Don’t worry, Mr. Montgomery, I’ve learned my lesson – you never wanted me to be born. And for your information, I never wanted to see you either. It was more than enough to know that thanks to you I spent eighteen years of my life in the hell we called Paradise, now that, father is ironic. What a great name for a place like that, right? Were you one of those who came up with it? I wouldn’t be surprised if you did.”

  “Paradise was founded long before you were born, Louise. And it’s not as bad you think it is.”

  “Oh, really? Have you ever tried living there? Oh, wait, you haven’t. You are used to a more comfortable life, aren’t you?” There have been many times that I tried to imagine this conversation. Many times I imagined the words I would say to the man who ruined my childhood, the man who took away everything from me, even my right to live the life that I deserved. But now. . . Now words just didn’t seem to be enough to show him how much I hated him. I despised him for every single thing I had to go through because of him and his damn reputation.

  “I just wanted to ask you for a small favor,” he suddenly said.

  I burst out laughing. A favor? Seriously? I thought the idiot only knew how to give orders, not to ask for favors.

  The two bodyguards shared a troubled look, obviously thinking I was out of my mind. Oh, come freaking on, I was not going to kill my dearest daddy with a kitchen knife or anything. I loved my life too much to spend the rest of it in another prison, and definitely not because of the son of a bitch who just happened to be the reason for my birth.

  “As I have alread
y said, Mr. Montgomery, I don’t want to see you, ever again. So do me a favor, and get the hell out of my apartment, please.”

  Apparently, he didn’t expect me to be rude to him; I think he expected me to cower and do whatever he wanted, that is probably what other people did when he was ready to ask for favors, but not me. No one else had to live the life I have had to live, all because of him.

  He drew a sharp breath and walked to the door, without saying a word. But there was one thing that I wanted to ask him before he would disappear for another lifetime or so.

  “Who is she?” I asked, hoping he would at least have the decency to answer my one simple question.

  He stopped, still with his back to me. No doubt, he knew I was asking about my mother. Now that I knew who my father was, I was sure my mom was just another victim of his cruelty. She just couldn’t be as heartless as he was, could she?

  “Why?” He asked, turning around slowly. “Do you want to find her?”

  “I have the right to know who she is.”

  “You do, but what if she didn’t want you either?”

  Ouch, that was a low blow. But I still managed to smile, just like I did most of the time that I had to spend in Paradise, and said, “With one selfish son of a bitch like you are, no sane woman would ever want to have a baby. So I guess my mother’s pregnancy was just an accident, just like her relationship with you in general. And what I think about her, is none of your business. I just need to know her name. That would be fair after all the shit that you made me go through. Don’t you think so?”

  He shrugged indifferently. “She died. Many years ago.”

  I felt like I had been stabbed in the back with a knife that went right through me, straight to my heart.

  “You are lying,” I said in a trembling voice. I was not going to cry, I was simply too pissed and too naïve; I still hoped there was at least something good in the man. Obviously, I was wrong. And I was seconds away from changing my mind, and getting the kitchen knife after all, this bastard didn’t deserve to live.

  “Think whatever you want,” he said with all the disgust that he had for the place and his so-called daughter, also known as me. “I’m late for a business meeting. I don’t have time to listen to your pity parties.”

  “I don’t wish you success, Mr. Montgomery. I hope one day, you will burn in hell. Because if you win the elections, this country will go to hell, even before you do.”

  “How dare you talk to–”

  “Mr. Montgomery,” a familiar voice said from behind the bodyguards’ backs. “I think it’s time for you to get back to your congressional duties.” Will stepped forward, ignoring the attempts of the bodyguards to stop him.

  “Mr. Blair. . . What a pleasant surprise. . .”

  “Will. . .”

  “Louise,” he said in a harsh voice, drilling my father with his murderous stare. “You okay?”

  “Yes, the senator was just leaving.” I was so shocked to see Will that I almost forgot about my father’s presence.

  “Have a good day,” Daddy said through clenched teeth and followed his bodyguards outside.

  Will and I stared at each other. There was so much I wanted to tell him, but no words came out of my mouth. I just kept staring, staring, and staring some more.

  God, I almost forgot how powerful Will always looked. My apartment suddenly felt even smaller than it was. He was as gorgeous as ever, wearing a pair of dark-blue jeans, matching shirt, and a black leather jacket that somehow made him look a little reckless. I looked into his eyes and my whole body trembled, helpless against his handsomeness and the things I felt for him. He became my every breath and every beat of my heart. There was no way I could think about anything but melting in his embrace now. The scent of his cologne reached my nostrils and I took a deep breath, letting the mixture of wood and spice wash over me. Just like the first time he touched me in one of the dance rooms of Le Papillon, I now could feel his invisible touches everywhere his eyes stopped, drinking in every small part of my body.

  “I was afraid it would already be too late by the time I got here,” he said, taking one tiny step forward. “He didn’t try to hurt you, did he?” Will tried to sound calm, but I could hear the excitement in his voice.

  I shook my head, still unable to speak.

  Will’s eyes traveled down my outfit, and I cursed mentally, wishing I were dressed in something more appropriate for a meeting with the love that I hadn’t seen for months.

  Time hardly mattered anymore. It was as if those long days and nights without him didn’t exist at all. It was as if we were back in his house, sharing silent messages that could say so much more than words could. It was as if he was still mine, and I was still his…unconditionally. For a moment I thought about taking the robe off, leaving only his shirt to cover my body, but then I changed my mind, knowing that taking even one article of clothing off would end with a conversation that didn't involve words, and neither one of us was ready for that. Or maybe I was too ready for that kind of conversation, and that is exactly why I needed to think about something else.

  I swallowed my desire to run and wrap my arms around him, and said, “Would you like a cup of coffee?”

  He breathed a sigh of relief as if he were afraid I would show him the door and nodded, saying, “Yes, please.” We shared another silent glance, then I turned around and headed for my kitchen, hoping I wouldn’t trip and fall on my way there. That would be just another perfect moment of my screwed-up morning. My legs felt like they were made of gelatin. I didn’t feel anything but the wild beating of my heart, echoing in my head like a drum.

  I got to the kitchen, found a cup, and poured some coffee in it. Then I opened the sugar bowl and. . .

  “Shoot, no sugar in the house.”

  I heard Will laughing quietly behind me. “No worries. Seeing you now is the sweetest thing that could have happened to me this morning.”

  I felt my pulse accelerating. With my shaking hands, I took the cup and turned around to give it to Will.

  “Always wanted to see you make me coffee in the morning,” he said, taking the cup from me. And his eyes… God, those were the eyes that no sane woman would ever ignore staring at you with so much adoration and uncovered need.

  I panicked.

  Too close, too soon, too good to be true. . .

  His silence said so much more than words would ever be able to explain.

  I shook my head, and took a step back. “Please…don't.” I felt like my defenses were fading away with every breath I took next to Will, but I couldn’t let things get out of control. Not today.

  “Sorry,” he said, lowering his eyes to the cup in his hands. “I forgot about the rules.”

  We didn’t set any rules, not really. He knew I needed time, and he agreed to give it to me. The unspoken part of the agreement meant no calls, e-mails, or anything else that could have the potential to bring us back together.

  “You just broke the most important one by showing up here, so. . . The rest hardly matters.” I forced a smile, hoping he wouldn’t misinterpret my words and think that he was not welcome here. He was more than welcome to come and see me, just not today. Or any other day, for that matter. That is, until I was ready to be that close to him again.

  Will took a few sips of his coffee and put the cup down on the kitchen table behind him.

  “Is there anything you need, Louise? Anything that I could. . .uh. . .help you with?”

  “Like sugar?”

  He smiled that familiar smile I had been seeing in my dreams, every single night, since the day we last met.

  “And that too,” he said, giving me another longing look. God, there was so much pain in his beautiful eyes, as if he were begging me to stop avoiding him. That almost made me give up, almost.

  “I’m fine, Will. I really am. You don’t have to worry about me. I’m a big girl now, I can take care of myself.”

  “I’m sure you do. It’s just that. . . I’m trying to find an ex
cuse to stay here, with you, at least a little longer.”

  Uh, if only he knew how much I wanted him to stay with me forever, starting now.

  “Christopher told me about your performances at school. Are you enjoying your classes so far?”

  I nodded, appreciating his question. At least it gave me a chance to switch my thoughts to something more real than being with him again.

  “Yes, a lot. Maybe even more than I could have ever imagined I would.”

  “How are things in Le Papillon going? Does Drew behave?”

  “Oh, yes, he does. You must have scared the hell out of him. He let me have my room there, and he always asks me to have lunch with him whenever I come to see the girls.”

  “Looks like my words were the magic trick.”

  “What did you tell him? I have never seen Drew act so polite and kind with anyone but me.”

  “I only told him that if he let even a single hair fall from your head, he would be very sorry.”

  I giggled. “That is so like you. And to be honest. . . A part of me misses your constant supervision. I know Christopher must be telling you about everything that is going on in my life now, and I really like having him around and talking to him. It almost makes me forget how much I miss talking to you. . .”

  “And I miss everything about you too, Louise. . .”

  Those were the exact words that I didn’t dare to say about him, but Will had always been honest with me, even when he didn’t let me see his face, his touches and kisses said it all for him. And yes, more than anything I wanted to feel those ungodly perfectly-shaped lips of his covering mine now.

  He stepped closer and took my hands in his, kissing the back of my palms, one by one. It was supposed to be an innocent touch, but the feeling of his lips on my skin was too familiar to ignore it.

  “I don’t want to rush things, Louise, or to make you feel forced to be with me again. I just want to be sure that you still want me in your life…”

  The words, the touch…It was just too much.

  “Of course, I do,” I mumbled, hardly able to speak. I felt tears blinding my vision. We were so close now, with our hands touching, with Will’s warmth passing to me, and his tenderness overwhelming me like an invisible cloud. Until this very moment, I didn’t realize how strong my need to be with him had been, how unbearable the thought of letting him go was. Until this very moment, I didn’t realize how much I loved him, more than I thought I was capable of loving anyone, ever.