Discovering Stella

by K. M. Golland

  Blocking out everything around me and homing in on the stereo system of the hotel, I discovered the sounds of Crowded House performing ‘Fall At Your Feet’. In my past life, it had been one of my favourite songs. Yet, I still felt an overwhelming connection to it — exploring that struggle to love and move on.

  Taking a deep breath, I shed my inhibitions and slowly opened my mouth, willing the lyrics to form a relationship with my voice. I didn’t care how they combined or what they sounded like, I just wanted them to materialise.

  Silence.

  A strangled whisper.

  Followed by the vibrating hum of my throat as I exhaled through my nose.

  In recent times, humming had been all I could manage, for a tune without lyrics only meant so much. When the words of a song were absent, the full story was seldom told. For me, the magic happened when the two combined. That was the reason why I loved singing so much — it completed a whole ... my whole.

  Continuing to hum, I opened my mouth again, this time releasing words coupled with an exhale of relief. I let go, just as the lyrics were instructing me to do. It felt wonderful, somewhat liberating, but only in a mild sense — singing quietly to oneself was nothing in comparison to performing in front of a roomful of people.

  I sang with Neil Finn about letting tears rain down, all the while trying to refrain from doing just that. The emotion bubbling inside me as a result of actually singing for the first time in more than a year was overwhelming. I felt free, as if I’d just reached the water’s surface and taken a reviving breath. The words ... the song ... singing about hiding and slow-turning pain ... it all just ... hit me, forcing out a loud sob.

  “There’s my girl,” Todd said soothingly, as he rested his chin on my head and rubbed both my arms. “I knew you could do it.”

  I was just about to respond and thank him for the vote of confidence, when a deep, arrogant voice interrupted our moment.

  “Can she do it every weekend?”

  Both Todd and I turned abruptly to observe a tattoo-clad guy, a guitar strapped over his shoulder and a large speaker dangling from his hand like a shopping bag. He was smiling, but his expression held more — it conveyed roguishness.

  Embarrassed to be sprung crying, I quickly shielded my face and wiped my eyes before turning back to face him.

  “You’re a bit early, Leigh,” Todd stated, his tone awash with hostility.

  Leigh placed the speaker down and removed a toothpick from between his teeth, his eyes not leaving mine, not even for a second. “Nothing wrong with being punctual.” He grabbed a chair that was pushed in at the table I was sitting at, spun it around and sat on it backward. “That’s quite a voice you got there.”

  “Leigh, this is my sister, Stella. Stella, this is Leigh, the guitarist in the local band,” Todd explained with what I perceived as annoyance.

  “No shit! Sister?” Leigh laughed with incredulity. “Toddy boy, you’ve been holding out on us.” He extended his hand. “Pleased to meet you, sweetheart.”

  I pursed my lips and narrowed my eyes, opting to ignore his outstretched hand by continuing to fill the salt and pepper shakers. “It’s Stella, and I’m no one’s sweetheart.”

  Leigh chuckled and retracted his hand, amused devilry dancing in his eyes. “I can see the family resemblance.”

  “Todd!” an elderly man called out as he sat himself at the bar. “What you doin’ over there? The beer won’t pour itself, son.”

  “Yeah, yeah, Larry, give us a sec,” he called back before turning to me. “You all right?”

  Waving Todd off with my hand, I indicated I was fine. “Of course. Go.”

  “Yeah, don’t you worry, I’ll keep an eye on her,” Leigh added, winking at me.

  I rolled my eyes and shook my head at his non-charming manner. Mind you, it did go well with his rocker-badboy appearance. Leigh wore his jet-black hair spiked in a scruffy I-just-got-of-bed kind of way. His eyes were a vivid green, which matched the flat, disc-like earring puncturing his lobe. And he wasn’t exactly clean-shaven, his 5-o’clock shadow complementing his whole ensemble just nicely.

  “So, that voice of yours, I want to use it.”

  I laughed out loud. This guy had no tact. “Too bad.”

  “I know a singer when I hear and see one, and you are definitely a singer.”

  I shook my head mildly and picked up a pepper shaker, steadying my hand as I proceeded to fill it. “Was a singer. Not anymore.”

  “There’s no such thing. Once a musician always a musician.”

  He was right. Music wasn’t an item of clothing you could just replace; it was the skin you wore. However, I wasn’t about to openly agree with him. “Fine. Consider me retired.”

  “Then come out of retirement. I’ll even pay your superannuation.”

  Placing the bag of pepper down and screwing the lid on the shaker, I made eye contact with him. “No, thank you. And anyway, something tells me I wouldn’t suit your style.”

  “Oh, you suit my style all right,” he said with an undertone of heated arrogance. “Very much.”

  I considered whether to smile or swiftly raise my leg toward his groin, hoping to send his precious balls into the pit of his stomach, but continued with my newfound skill of pepper shaker filling instead. “I doubt that ... very much,” I retorted.

  Leigh leaned forward and gently blew in my direction, sending a small plume of pepper into my face, enough to make me sneeze.

  “You arsehol—” I tried to finish the word, but another sneeze broke through.

  He laughed and rocked back on his chair. “Uh-huh ... very much.”

  Before I could respond with a clever comeback or the tipping of the entire bag of pepper on his head, an angry voice sounded from behind me. “Hey!”

  I wiped the pepper from my face and tried to stop another onslaught of sneezing only to find Lawson holding Leigh by the scruff of the neck. “What the fuck is wrong with you?”

  “None of your business, Drake. I was just having a friendly chat with Toddy boy’s baby sis.”

  Lawson’s grip tightened. “Only you would call that a friendly chat. I call that being a fucking prick.”

  “Lawson, let him go. Not in here, mate,” Todd said, stepping up beside me. “You all right, Stel?”

  A little stunned by Lawson’s anger, I stood up and tried to play what had happened down. “Yes, of course, I’m fine. Leigh was just introducing himself as the town jerk,” I said with mock seriousness, holding my hand out to him. “Pleased to meet you. I knew there’d be one around here somewhere.”

  He laughed and pried himself free of Lawson’s hold, brushing his hands down his t-shirt and leather vest before taking my hand and pressing it to his lips. “The pleasure has been all mine.”

  Lawson inched closer, but was restrained by Todd. It was then that I twisted my wrist and latched onto Leigh’s nose, screwing it to the extent of, I hoped, causing great discomfort to him. “Has it?” I asked with a sinister smile. “Are you sure?”

  “Ah, fuck!” he mumbled.

  “You’re a jerk, Leigh, and you have a lot to learn, especially if that’s how you prefer to blow on a girl’s face.” I let go, swivelled on my good foot, and proceeded toward the back room. “Todd, if it’s all right with you, I might call it a day.”

  “All good, Stel.”

  “Thanks. Oh, and Lawson, can I get a ride? I don’t fancy walking home.”

  I didn’t wait for his answer, knowing I’d be seated in his truck within the next five minutes.

  * * *

  “Are you okay?” Lawson asked, as he opened the truck door and helped boost me up with the not-so-subtle placing of his hand on my arse.

  “Never better. So ... what’s your beef with Leigh?”

  “He’s an arsehole. You don’t do that sort of shit to a chick.”

  “The dickhead was mucking around and, anyway, that’s not what I meant. Clearly the two of you have history.”

  “Long story,” he mutter
ed, before closing the door beside me.

  As I watched him walk around the front of his truck, I noticed the tension still radiating from his body, as strained muscles flexed in his neck and shoulders. If I wasn’t aware of why the agitation was there, I’d find them quite attractive.

  He opened the driver’s door and climbed in, deliberately avoiding my gaze, and I knew that if I wanted to get an honest answer out of him, I would have to open up and give him something of myself. So, letting out a long-winded breath, I took the first step in what would be a marathon of healing.

  “Singing once brought me joy,” I said truthfully, turning to face him. “For a year and a half, I’ve felt nothing but pain. That’s why I stopped. It’s very hard to find joy in something when you only feel despair.”

  E I G H T

  Give and take

  I started my truck and glanced over at Stella, her sudden candidness taking me by surprise. Shit! She’s finally opening up.

  “What happened a year and a half ago?” I enquired.

  “Uh-uh, your turn. You and Leigh ... what’s the go?”

  Turning my head in her direction, I took in her smug grin. Fucking gorgeous!The twinkle in her eye indicated she knew exactly what she was doing, but it didn’t disguise the sliver of vulnerability she was trying to hide as well. I could see that behind the playful diversion tactic there was a woman who was willing to let me in, even if only a little.

  “He was the one who slept with Vicky,” I answered flatly before returning my stare to the road. If she wanted to play give and take, then I was more than ready.

  “Oh. So you and Leigh were best friends?”

  “Yep, I’ve known him since we were kids.”

  “How long have you known Vicky?” Stella asked, her voice non-judgmental.

  “Princess, please tell me you are not all about the taking. I’m pretty sure it’s your turn to give.”

  She let out a mild laugh. “I give as good as I get, Toad.”

  And just like that, my cock roused from his afternoon sleep. I’m even sure the bastard yawned. “I bet you do,” I answered, unable to hide the desire in my tone.

  Not wanting Stella’s ‘giving’ to stop, I continued and asked her the question that bothered me the most. “Why does being called angel affect you so much?”

  I was prepared for her to clam up and expected her to pause, or to tell me to my mind my own fucking business. I even anticipated having to pull over and comfort her in case she had another breakdown at the mention of the word. But she didn’t. She didn’t do any of those things, instead answering lucidly, “Because he used to call me that.”

  “Who’s he?” I asked instantly, jerking my head in her direction, dread filling me at the thought of who he could be.

  Stella took in a deep breath and met my eyes just briefly. “Can you take me to the river? I found a nice spot yesterday. It was peaceful and calming.”

  I nodded, “sure,” then returned my focus to the road. If she needed a relaxed and calming environment in order to open up, then I wouldn’t hesitate in taking her to one.

  After following Stella’s directions, I parked as close as I possibly could to the particular section of the river she’d been talking about. I didn’t want her having to walk far.

  “Here, jump on,” I said, bending over just slightly and indicating she climb on my back.

  She tilted her head and placed her hand on her hip. “I can walk.”

  “Barely. Come on, Princess, pretend I’m your royal steed.” I waved my hand like a fucking idiot and added a dicky pompous accent as I spoke.

  “Well, in that case ...” she responded, mimicking my snobby tone and launching herself onto my back. “Tally-ho.”

  “Tally what?” I chuckled.

  “Tally-ho. It means go forth.”

  “You sure? I’m pretty sure it means chase that fox.”

  She tightened her grip and rested her head against mine. “It does not. That’s just stupid.” Sweet Jesus, this woman has the ability to stir some unusual shit within me. Feelings and ... fuck, happy feelings and all that shit.

  Hoisting her up, I gained a better hold of her body. “Um ... yeah, I think it does.”

  “Fine!” she said, slapping her good foot into my hip. “How ‘bout giddy-up, then?”

  Letting out a fucking ridiculous ‘neigh’, I galloped ahead. Stella squealed like a kid and gripped me tight. After a short gallop through bushland, together with threatening to drop her in the river because she kept insisting on patting me like I was a horse, we finally made it to the spot where she’d spent most of the previous afternoon skimming rocks and being ‘pissy’ ... or so she’d explained.

  “So ... you were jealous,” I implied, cockily skimming a rock across the river’s surface.

  “I wouldn’t say I was jealous,” she mumbled, etching a trail in the dirt beside her with a stick. “More angry that Vicky was all over you after what had happened between us the night before.”

  Leaning up against the tree, I crossed my arms in front of my chest. “I’d call that jealousy.”

  “Call it what you like. I was pissed off. You gave me the impression you liked me then had another woman’s hands all over you. That’s not good.”

  “I think you’d like to put your hands all over me.”

  Stella looked up, pausing from her dirt-doodling. “Maybe. Maybe not.”

  “So you do like me?” I asked, smiling at the fact she’d admitted just that.

  She dropped her stick and picked up a rock, throwing with the intent to skim it across the water. “I didn’t say that,” she said grumpily, her attempted skim a massive fail.

  “Ah, yeah, you did.”

  Bending down, I picked up another rock and released it with precision, watching as it bounced effortlessly across the surface of the river.

  Stella murmured behind a smile. “Smartarse.”

  “You’re too heavy on the arm,” I explained, pushing off the tree and finding a flat disc-shaped rock that stood a better chance of remaining above water.

  “Whatever. Stupid rocks,” she said dismissively. “And anyway, you never answered my question.”

  I handed her the rock. “What question?”

  “How long have you known Vicky?”

  Stella wrenched back her arm in preparation for another failed rock skim, so I gently grabbed her wrist and helped her to her feet, slowly positioning myself at her back. “A long time,” I murmured against her neck.

  Unashamedly breathing her in, I inhaled deeply as I dragged the tip of my nose up the side of her neck. She smelled like a mixed bag of lollies: fruity, sweet and musky all at once.

  “Lawson ... I —”

  “Shh, Princess,” I whispered in her ear before sucking her lobe into my mouth.

  Trailing my finger along her shoulder, I collected the strap of her dress as I passed over it. It fell down her arm, teasing me when it stopped and revealed the top of her white lace bra. I swallowed heavily, wanting nothing more than to strip her of her dress and run my tongue up her fucking core. But just like the previous night, I had to restrain myself from pushing too hard or too fast. It was obvious that Stella needed to heal, to be pieced back together. My plan of action was simple: have her feel she was in control when, in actuality, I’d be the one pulling all the strings. Yes, unbeknownst to her, I was going to fix her, and the first thing on my list was to find out who hewas.

  Continuing to trail my finger down her arm, I stopped and hovered my hand over hers before lifting her arm so that I could apply gentle kisses along it.

  “Okay, so let’s try this again,” I explained, rotating her body so that she had a better angle to release the rock. “Try to keep your arm straight and smooth. The trick is in the flick of the wrist.”

  She fidgeted just slightly. “It’s not going to work.”

  “Yes, it will.”

  “No, it won’t. You just sent my arm into a sated state of bliss with your mouth. The stupid thing no longe
r functions.” She flopped her arm about as if it were dead.

  I laughed provocatively and once again moved my lips to her ear while taking control of her arm, my dick was also enjoying the tease. “You have no idea the sated bliss my mouth can give.”

  Well, fuck me if she didn’t just shiver and tremble slightly at the thought of my promise. And it was a promise, because as soon as I felt she was ready, my mouth would be all over her.

  “Now, slowly bring your arm around your body and release the rock with a gentle flick, like that,” I instructed, directing her arm as if she were a puppet.

  Her eyelids fluttered and her chest rose, but she complied beautifully.

  Taking a step back, I gave her enough room to skim the rock, watching as she turned just slightly and flung her arm and wrist like I’d shown her. The rock bounced two times before it disappeared beneath the water.

  “I did it!” she exclaimed, spinning to face me with a proud smile.

  I held her gaze and answered, “Yeah, you did.”

  I hoped that my confident tone and underlying message would let her know what she could achieve if she just tried. Perhaps it was stupid and presumptuous of me, but I wanted her to have a little faith in herself, for her to realise she was capable of ... something new. Something different.

  Anticipation and excitement seemed to radiate from her as she stood barely a metre away, her chest catching my eye yet again as it rose and fell. The atmosphere around us seemed to change as I moved my stare from her expanding tits to her tongue, which was delicately dampening her bottom lip, before my eyes once again landed back on hers.

  The look she displayed was one I’d seen before, a look of want, need ... desperation. It was the look I now mirrored. And as hard as it was, I refused to make the move to reduce the distance between us. This time, that step was hers to take. I just fucking prayed she’d take it.