Discovering Stella

by K. M. Golland

  “Stella, wait! I want to help you.”

  “You can’t.”

  He grabbed my shoulder to try and turn me around. “Yes, I can.”

  “Please don’t. Please don’t touch me. Please, just leave me be.”

  Shrugging off his hand, I continued out of the water and quickly made my way to my dress, frantically picking it up and sliding it over my head. I then stepped into my flip-flops and began walking up the small riverbank.

  “Where are you going?” he asked in an annoyed tone.

  Without turning to face him, I continued. “I’m walking back.”

  He huffed angrily. “Don’t be so stupid. What about your foot?”

  “It’s fine. I’ll be fine.”

  “Stella!” he yelled, his loud tone making me jump and stop in my tracks.

  Turning slowly, I glared at him. “Don’t you dare yell at me. I said I’ll be fine.” I turned back around and took another step before slumping my shoulders and sighing. The expression on his face had been heartbreaking; a look of confusion and hurt, and to know I was responsible for putting it there tore me to shreds. The last thing I wanted to do was hurt the only person I’d felt comfortable being honest with, which was why I had to distance myself from him. I couldn’t give him what he wanted, and there was no use stringing him along and providing false hope.

  “Look, I’m sorry for what just happened,” I said sincerely, struggling to say the words and biting back more tears. “I didn’t mean to lead you on. But you and I are not going to happen. Not now. Not ever. Please, just let it go.”

  With that, I continued on and began the painstaking trek back to the house.

  T E N

  Knights get back on their horses

  Watching as she walked away, weaving in and out of the trees until the pale blue of her dress could no longer be seen, I realised there was not a damn thing I could do about it.

  “Fuck!” I said under my breath, standing on the walking path like a lost kid without a bloody clue. I fucked up. I knew it! I knew she wasn’t ready.

  As desperately as I wanted to go after her and somehow convince her to let me back in, to continue to open up and trust me with her past, I knew deep down that at this particular point in time it wouldn’t help. It was clear that my pushy ways of breaking down her wall only worked in the short-term, because she would then put the wall straight back up afterward, with stronger reinforcement. Shit! What am I going to do?

  I honestly had no idea. I was so far out of my element it wasn’t funny. What Stella was dealing with was bigger than anything I’d ever come across, and I now knew it to be much bigger than I’d first thought. To be honest though, I didn’t really know what I’d first thought. Yeah, I’d recognised her hurt and pain, because it was something I’d felt when Mum passed away. I’d also recognised anger — another emotion I was familiar with — but there was a hell of a lot more going on inside that pretty little head of hers, more that I couldn’t quite put my finger on.

  Looking toward where she had disappeared through the trees, I once again deliberated going after her. Shit! Is it desperate of me to chase her down? Will it scare her off even more? Probably.Maybe I should just do what she asked and back the fuck off. In fact, some distance would no doubt be a good thing for the both of us — she fucking drove me crazy.

  Never in my life had I felt so many differing feelings all at once: aggravation, lust, curiosity, combined with an overwhelming need to protect her. But from what? I had no bloody idea. I need a goddamn drink ... and to break something.

  Wringing my shorts against my legs, I squeezed the excess water out and headed toward the truck, replaying her words over and over in my head. ‘Please just touch me and make me feel good. I want to feel good again.’ Obviously she didn’t know what she bloody wanted. I’d made her feel good ... without a friggin’ doubt. Her shuddering body, breathless pants and sexy fucking moans were clear indications that I’d made her feel morethan good.

  “Can’t fucking win,” I mumbled with frustration as I stepped over a broken branch.

  What did that mongrel do to her? Not knowing was doing my head in. I couldn’t help thinking the worst. Had he physically hurt her? Had he played mind games and fucked with her head? Had he forced himself on her? Shit! The possibilities were endless. And how did the fucker die? Could it be possible that Stella had something to do with it and that’s why she was running? Double shit!

  Deliberating that very question, I arrived at my truck and fished through the back of the cab for a spare pair of jeans. In my line of work, I was forever getting dirty, so I always kept a stash of clothing handy. Now don’t get me wrong, a little grease and dirt never hurt anyone, but sometimes I couldn’t be bothered going home to change before I went out. And right now, out was where I wanted to be. The last thing I wanted to do was head back home and see Stella. I had too many fucking unanswered questions and I sure as hell wasn’t in the right frame of mind to be asking her for answers. No, I needed to keep my distance. At least for a little while. I needed to think about something else ... or not think at all.

  * * *

  “What’ll it be?” Todd asked from behind the bar.

  Sullenly twisting a drink coaster between my fingers, I answered, “Beam and Coke.”

  He grabbed a glass and poured the bourbon. “What’s up with you? And where’s Stel?”

  “Home, I think.”

  “What do you mean you think?” he asked, with an edge of concern, while filling the rest of my glass with Coke and passing it to me.

  “She asked to go to the river, then she flipped the fuck out and wanted to walk back home on her own.”

  Todd had been wiping the bar top with a cloth, but stopped hastily and looked up, his eyes searing through me like a friggin’ laser beam. “What? And you let her?”

  “Mate, your stepsister is one of the most stubborn chicks I’ve ever met. If she wanted to walk back on her own, there was no way I was going to be able to stop her. So I didn’t,” I explained, taking a drink.

  The sense of relief I felt when the bourbon and Coke slid down my throat was fucking brilliant. Yes, this is just what I need right now. I continued to drink until I’d skolled the lot, then, placing my glass down on the bar top, I requested another one. “Fill her up.”

  “What the fuck happened?” Todd asked angrily.

  A sarcastic chuckle escaped my mouth. “She changed her mind.”

  “About what?”

  “Me,” I said with a fake smile.

  “I knew something was going on between the two of you. Fucking knew it.”

  Todd’s eyes were blazing fury at me when good ol’ Larry interrupted from his position down the other end of the bar. “Todd, I’m empty. Not good, young fella. Not good at all.”

  “We are not done here,” Todd spat out, raising his eyebrow at me.

  “Never thought we were,” I called back.

  In the minute or two it had taken him to see to Larry and then make his way back to where I was waiting for a refill, I’d decided to be honest with him. But I wasn’t going to tell him Stella’s secret. That was for her to tell her stepbrother when she was ready.

  “Talk,” he said abruptly, placing another Beam and Coke heavily on the bar top in front of me, some of it spilling over the edge and soaking into the coaster. What a fucking waste of good grog.

  I frowned, but then snatched it up and skolled it, eyeing him as the contents disappeared into my mouth. When I finished, I slid it back to him, knowing that I wouldn’t have to request another. He knew the drill.

  “Over the past two weeks, we’ve gotten close —”

  Todd leaned forward, entering my personal space. “How close?”

  “Settle down. Not that close. We’ve kissed a few times.”

  “I swear to god, Lawson, you fuck her around and I’ll fuck you around. I don’t care what Meg says —”

  “Todd, I’m not gonna fuck Stella around. I like her. Really fucking like her. But
she’s got demons, man. And one hell of a secret.”

  He passed me another drink, and this time I only drank half. “Did she tell you who she was running from?”

  “Not exactly.”

  “Well, what did she tell you?”

  “I can’t say, mate. It’s not my place to pass on what she’s shared with me.”

  “Don’t give me that bullshit,” he said dismissively.

  “I’m not. If Stella wants you to know then she’ll tell you. Trust me, I want her to fucking tell you.” I took another drink. “She needs to talk to someone about it. I managed to get her to open up and share some of the shit she is dealing with, but ... now? I wouldn’t be surprised if she’s closed up shop again.”

  He leaned forward and rested on his arms. “Why?”

  “Because I got too close and because she really fucking likes me too,” I said, trying my best to hide the disappointment I felt. “She’s too scared to take a chance.”

  “Why is she scared?”

  Holding my glass in front of me while leaning on my elbows, I swirled the remainder of my drink before pouring it down my throat. “I don’t know exactly. But I need to lay off for a while. Give her some space.”

  “I don’t like this,” he said, snatching up my glass. “I wish you’d just tell me what she’s hiding.”

  “Listen, I can’t. I can’t betray her confidence like that. And I don’t blame you for not liking it, but we got no choice. And to be honest, I don’t entirely know what it is she’s hiding.”

  Todd paused, appearing to decide whether or not to pour me another drink. “Where’s your truck? You’re not driving home, are you?”

  I smirked. Todd was a good guy. Good enough for my sister, not that she’d let me have a say in the matter. Regardless, I was glad someone like him was looking out for her when I couldn’t. “I’m not going home. I’ll sleep at the workshop tonight, so I’ll walk,” I explained, indicating he should keep them coming.

  He shook his head and rolled his eyes. “Wimp.”

  “Fuck off. I like sleeping at the shop. And anyway, I have to be there first thing for a delivery.”

  “Fair enough. So ... without you telling me what exactly happened at the river, do I need to give her a call and check up on her?”

  “Yeah. Probably a good idea. Make sure she got home all right. Her foot was still sore.” The thought of Stella hobbling painfully through the bushland triggered a wave of guilt to pass though me. Fucking arsehole. You should’ve at least convinced her to let you drive her home. Shit, you could’ve fucking carried her if you had to.

  “All right, I’ll give her a call in a minute. But first, if you’re gonna be sucking them down all afternoon and night, you need to eat,” he nagged, frisbeeing me a menu.

  I caught it and put it down, knowing what I wanted to order. “Tell Buck I want a parma and chips and some of that cheesy cauliflower shit he makes. Lots of it.”

  Todd chuckled and headed out the back. “Sure thing.”

  * * *

  In the hours that followed, the pub quickly filled with locals. Sunday night was one of the busiest nights. It was the end of the weekend and Bone Dry would always play a couple of sets. Leigh, plus Jack and Dave — the two other members of the band — were setting up in preparation when Vicky walked in. Can this day get any worse?

  “No trouble, Lawson. I mean it,” Todd warned, knowing I was not in the mood to be dealing with her.

  “Just keep her the fuck away from me and we’re cool,” I said, bitterly.

  He indicated I lift my glass so that he could wipe the bar top. “Yeah, well it’s a bit late for that. She’s heading your way right now.” Fuck!

  “Hi, Todd. I’ll have a rum and Coke, please,” she stated confidently, taking up the seat beside me. Her evil voice and sheer presence made my skin crawl.

  “Fuck off, Vic,” I said as politely as I could, refusing to break the fixed stare I had on my glass.

  She laughed, but I could tell I’d hurt her feelings — not that I really cared. She hadn’t been too concerned about mine when her mouth was wrapped around Leigh’s dick.

  “Hey, what’s with the crankypants?” she said in a mock-child- like tone of voice.

  I spun my stool around so that I could face the room, catching a shit-eating grin from Leigh, a grin I wanted nothing more than to wipe off his face.

  “None of your business. I’m no longer your concern. The sooner you get that through your head, the better.”

  Pushing off from my stool, I left her at the bar to opt in on a game of pool with some of the local retirees — they were much better company.

  “Larry, you still here?” I gave the old dude a slap on the back. “Doris is gonna be one unhappy lady, you know?”

  He chuckled happily. “Nah, she’ll be so busy knitting for the great-grandkids, she won’t even notice I’m not there.”

  “Sure, you keep telling yourself that, old man.” Pulling a two-dollar coin from my pocket, I placed it down on the edge of the pool table, indicating I wanted to play the winner in the next game. “So, which one of you blokes am I going to beat?” I teased.

  “Always the little smartarse,” Don piped in. “When you gonna grow up and get yourself a decent woman? Make your ma proud to look down upon you.”

  I raised my eyebrow at the cheeky old-timer. Despite him mentioning Mum and whether or not she’d be proud of me, Don was harmless.

  Just as I was about to answer, Larry jumped to my defence. “Steady on, Don. Lawson has found a new lady friend, haven’t you, Lawson?”

  “I have?” I questioned with a curious smile.

  “Yes, that pretty little brunette. Todd’s sister, or was it his cousin? What’s her name?” He clicked his fingers a couple of times. “Stella. Yes, Stella.” He nodded with pride.

  “Well, fuck me. That sure as hell didn’t take you long,” Leigh added, stepping up beside me and placing his hand on my shoulder. “Nice piece of arse that Stella is.”

  Don looked up from his bent-over position at the table, pausing before taking his shot. “Watch your mouth, son,” he warned. “That’s no way to talk about a lady.”

  “You’ve got exactly zero seconds to remove your arm, Leigh,” I said calmly, despite calm being the furthest from what I was feeling.

  Leigh dropped his arm and swigged his stubby. “Jeez, ease up. And don’t you go acting high-and-mighty with me, Don. You’ve got the filthiest mouth in this joint.”

  I laughed, nearly choking on my beer as I took a drink. “I’d say that award goes to Vicky.”

  Larry’s eyes widened as did Don’s, but Leigh’s remained steadfast on mine. “Let it go, mate. What’s done is done.”

  “I’m not your fucking mate,” I said angrily, turning to face him. “Mates don’t screw their mates’ girlfriends.”

  “How many times do I have to tell you? I was off my fucking face. I thought she was some groupie chick,” he bit back.

  Todd appeared, stupidly placing himself in between Leigh and me. “Is there a problem here?”

  I didn’t answer, because, truth be told, I didn’t know if there was a problem or not. On one hand, I could easily shove Todd out of the way and pummel my fists into Leigh’s face; on the other, I could just as easily walk out, go back to the workshop and pass out on my couch. Either way, I was happy.

  “All good, Toddy boy. Lawson and me were just catchin’ up.”

  Todd turned to face Leigh and got right up in his grill. “Don’t fucking patronise me. I don’t want any trouble, you hear?”

  “Loud and clear,” Leigh answered, flaring his eyes and smiling sadistically.

  Todd turned and gave me a keep-your-fucking-cool-he’s-not-worth-it look. I nodded my understanding before he began heading back to the bar.

  “Hey, Todd, where’s that hot-as-fuck sister of yours tonight?”

  That fucking does it.

  In less than a few seconds, I managed to cover the pool table in beer, give Leigh a bloody
nose and broken tooth, and cause some serious damage to my hand. The fight that then broke out had Leigh and me on the floor, me straddling the fucker, Don and Larry cheering me on, Todd shouting for us to ‘break it up or take it outside’ and me sporting a sore fucking eye.

  I growled like a man possessed. “Stay away from her, you hear?”

  “You’re a crazy bastard. No wonder Vicky fucked you over,” Leigh growled back.

  Lights out, motherfucker.

  I wrenched my arm back and punched him fair and square in the face, knocking the arsehole out cold. Then, getting to my feet, I glanced over to where Vicky was still sitting at the bar. Her top lip curled into a sly smile before she swivelled on the stool, facing away from me. Yeah, you do that, Vic, because I’m more than happy to see the back of you.

  “What the fuck, Laws—”

  I held my hand in the air to halt Todd’s pending words. “Don’t stand there and tell me he didn’t deserve it. Everyone here knows the fucker did.” Turning to Larry, I clicked my fingers at him. “Give us your beer.”

  “Why?” he asked defensively, cradling the pot to his chest.

  “Just hand it over, Larry. I’ll pay for all of your beer next week.”

  He shrugged and happily handed me the beer, which I then slowly poured on Leigh’s face.

  Coughing and squinting, the dickhead shook his head and rolled to his side, wiping his face and eyes. I gave him a moment before I held out my hand and helped him to his feet. “This is over. You, me and Vicky ... are over. Don’t mention her in my presence and we are good. And as for Stella, don’t even go there, because if you fucking do, you’ll regret it.” I looked over at Todd who was angrily surveying the carnage surrounding us. “Leigh will take care of anything that’s broken and needs replacing, won’t ya, Leigh?”