Discovering Stella

by K. M. Golland

  To say that I had been instantly drawn to Shaz would be an understatement. She just had a quality about her that, for me, screamed mother figure. And I was desperately lacking — and needing — one of those.

  I’d also, unfortunately, bumped into Leigh, inwardly smiling at the swollen purple-ish skin that surrounded his nose and eye. After the first few minutes of trying to ignore his annoying probing for a date, I’d been unable to snub him any longer and ended up sarcastically querying whether he was fond of his new look. He’d said I was worth it, which had just prompted laughter, because, honestly, there was nothing else for me to do. Leigh was narcissistic and slightly delusional, but he also had a sliver of decency underneath his vain exterior. It was small, but it was there. And from the two brief encounters I’d had with him thus far, I had the impression that there was much more to the tattooed musician than met the eye.

  As the day wore on, I thought about what I was going to cook for the evening’s dinner, finally deciding on a Summer Chicken Salad with avocado, mango and pine nuts. It was simple, tasty and healthy, and it was perfect for the humid night ahead. I just hoped that everyone liked it. I also had no idea if Lawson would join us or not but made sure, while at the local supermarket, that I bought enough ingredients in case he did.

  * * *

  After spending just over an hour in the kitchen preparing the salad and roasting the chicken, Todd, Meg and I were seated around the dining table and in the process of dishing up dinner when Lawson walked into the room. Seeing him in a tight-fitting singlet top and grease-covered jeans almost robbed my lungs of air. His usual perfect face was marred by a violet-shaded bruise, which looked painful. Yet, in comparison to Leigh’s injuries, it was clear that Lawson had been the victor in their cockfight, or whatever it was they’d had.

  “Good, you’re just in time for dinner,” Meg announced, not making eye contact with him.

  “Aren’t I always in time for dinner?” He seated himself directly opposite me, but without so much as looking in my direction.

  His refusal to acknowledge my presence felt the same as a punch in the stomach, or a swift slap to the face. What did you expect, Stella? After all, I was the one who’d tossed him around like a knapsack.

  Meg dropped her fork and raised her hand to touch his face. “Nice colour you have there. Gee, if you wanted to wear the colour purple, you only had to ask to borrow my eyeshadow.”

  “It’s nothing,” he dismissed grumpily, gently swiping her hand away.

  During his swiping action, his eyes met mine for the first time since walking through the door. I wouldn’t say the look he gave me was cold, but it definitely wasn’t warm either. If anything, it was body temperature, therefore unable to be felt at all — it was horrible.

  Lawson was first to divert his gaze. “What’s this?” he asked, using the salad forks to scoop some dinner onto his plate.

  I was about to answer when Meg jumped in and answered for me. “It’s Summer Chicken Salad. Very good for you.”

  “Yeah? It looks it,” he replied, turning up his nose just a little.

  “So, are you going to fill me in on what happened to your eye?” she asked, badgering him for information.

  Lawson forked a bit of lettuce and mango into his mouth and I watched with anticipation as he chewed and then swallowed, his evident struggle indicating he wasn’t a fan.

  My heart sank.

  “There’s nothing to fill you in on,” he mumbled, while trying to clean some food off his teeth with his tongue.

  Meg picked up her glass of wine. “Your face says otherwise.”

  “If you must know, I defended someone’s honour when I shouldn’t have. Even when it was made very fucking clear to me today that she didn’t need it, nor deserve it.”

  Knowing he was referring to me because of what Todd had said in the car, I paused with my fork midway to my mouth. Todd also paused and turned in Lawson’s direction.

  He ignored everyone’s eyes and displayed a look of disgust on his face. “What is this shit?” You don’t normally cook this kind of crap.”

  “Lawson!” Meg admonished.

  He grabbed his beer and proceeded to wash his mouth out with it. “What? It ain’t good.”

  “Mate, what the fuck is your problem?” Todd snapped angrily. “Stella cooked it. She wanted to do something nice.”

  Lawson’s eyes widened, then fixed upon mine, and I could see he was surprised by Todd’s statement. But rather than apologise for being rude, he took another swig of his beer and pushed his chair back from the table. “Yeah? Well maybe it’s a bit late for doing something nice.”

  All three of us watched in shock as he stormed out of the room and slammed the bathroom door.

  Todd shot out of his seat. “That ain’t sliding,” he said with fury.

  I leaned across the table to where he stood and touched his arm. “Sit down, it’s fine. He’s angry and he has every right to be.”

  “Not like that he doesn’t.”

  “Can someone please tell me what the hell is going on?” Meg asked, exasperated.

  I forked a piece of mango apathetically, and placed it into my mouth. My appetite had left the room along with Lawson. “I hurt him. I led him on, then pushed him away.”

  Meg shook her head and shrugged. “Stella, what are you talking about?”

  “Lawson and I have kinda been seeing each other.”

  “What do you mean ‘kinda’ been seeing each other?”

  “We’ve become close, but ... I just can’t get any closer. I want to, but I can’t. I led him on and now he hates me for it.” Standing up, I grabbed Lawson’s and my plates and took them to the sink. “Sorry for causing so much trouble. I never meant to,” I said apologetically, willing myself not to cry. “I think I’ll have an early night. See you both in the morning.” I managed a small smile before heading for the door.

  “Stel,” Todd called out.

  I stopped and turned around slowly. “I’m fine. Honestly, I’m fine. I’m just emotionally and physically exhausted.”

  “Yeah, I reckon you would be. Make sure you get some rest, okay?”

  Nodding, I left the kitchen and quickly rushed to my room, shutting the door behind me and sliding down it until my butt hit the floor. It was there that I let every emotion I’d felt during the past twenty-four hours escape me. And instead of feeling free and liberated as a result of releasing those emotions, together with some well-kept secrets and buried demons, I felt empty ... as if I’d released a part of me that I wanted gone but had not yet replaced. In all honesty, I didn’t know what was worse; the holding on, or the hollowness after letting go.

  T W E L V E

  Say it with song

  Knight in fucking shining armour, my arse. More like prick to end all pricks. Maybe I should change my business name to ‘Prick Repairs’.

  Turning on the water in the shower, I braced myself against the tiles and hung my head in shame. Couldn’t just let it go, could you, Drake? I felt like the world’s biggest arsehole for treating Stella the way I had. Not to mention throwing some Lawson-arsehole at Meg and Todd as well. It was a fucking low act.

  I was pissed that I’d walked into the pub earlier in the day and caught Stella laughing with Leigh. Still, there was no excuse to treat her like shit. She didn’t deserve it and, deep down, I knew that. I guess you could say my balls and heart took a battering after seeing her happily talk to him when she had so easily pushed me away. Him, of all people. Fucking Leigh.

  Shamefully, I’d guessed that Stella had made the salad. It wasn’t something Meg would normally cook, and to be completely honest it hadn’t been all that bad.

  I’m such an arsehole.

  Pushing off from the shower wall, I angrily grabbed my shampoo and washed my hair, scrubbing my scalp with more force than usual. I was disappointed in myself, and more so because I was pretty friggin’ sure I’d fucked up completely. Stella was never going to give me a chance now, not after the stunt I’d
just pulled. The only thing I could do was apologise and at least try to create some form of friendship between the two of us. Despite wanting nothing more than to kiss every inch of her body and feel her warm pussy wrapped around my cock, I enjoyed her company more than anything. Talking to her about everyday shit, and saying things that I knew she would have a smartarse answer to, was something I looked forward to after a hard day’s work.

  You gotta make this right, Drake. I needed to show her that we could still be friends without the drama, even though I knew the ‘just friends’ bit would kill me. Could I even do it? Be around her without touching, doing or saying things that may result in my tongue sliding into her mouth?

  Closing my eyes, I let the hot water cascade down my face as images of Stella emerged from their hiding place within my mind, taunting me. She was everywhere I fucking looked and everywhere I didn’t fucking look. How the hell is that even possible?

  The absolute last thing I wanted to do was get out of the shower and face the music so, instead, I stood there until the hot water ran out. That, in itself, was sure to earn me more flack, but I honestly didn’t care; whatever they decided to throw at me, I fucking well deserved.

  Drying myself off, I decided to make my way out into the lounge room with my proverbial tail between my legs. It was high time I made amends for breaking an element of the knight’s code of chivalry: to refrain from the wanton giving of offence.

  Man, would Mum be pissed off ... again.

  To be fair, that particular code of offending people was not one I broke often. Instead, the code of temperance was the one I always failed to uphold. Hey, a knight needs his afternoon alcoholic sustenance. And anyway, whoever wrote that code was a fucking tool.

  Entering the lounge room, I noticed Stella wasn’t there. “Where is she?” I asked sheepishly, breaking Meg and Todd’s TV watching.

  “In her room. Where else?” Todd snapped. Yeah, yeah, fair call.

  I ran my hand through my damp hair and turned to look toward her bedroom door. “Shit! Was she upset?”

  “What do you think, Einstein?” he snapped again.

  “All right, all right! I fucked up. I get that. I was pissed after seeing her at the pub laughing with Leigh.”

  Todd adjusted his position on the couch or, more accurately, adjusted his and Meg’s position on the couch. Seriously, did my sister ever sit on her own seat? “What are you talking about? Stella wasn’t laughing with Leigh. She was laughing at him.”

  “Not from where I was standing,” I retorted.

  “And where exactly were you standing?” my sister piped in, raising her eyebrow condescendingly.

  I sat my arse down on the sofa and directed my gaze toward the TV. “I was standing by the door.”

  “Could you hear their conversation?”

  “No.”

  She lowered her voice and, had I been looking at her, I swear she would’ve been rolling her eyes. “I rest my case.”

  Just when I thought they’d left me alone, Todd continued: “If you must know, Leigh was being the dick that he is, joking about trying to pick her up. Stella isn’t stupid. She saw right through him and gave as good as she got. Let’s just say that Leigh would’ve had more luck trying to pick up an elephant.”

  “Yeah, well, I wouldn’t put it past him,” I murmured. “Anyway, sorry ‘bout before. I was out of line.”

  “Fuckin’ oath you were. And first thing tomorrow, you’re gonna apologise to Stel and make things right. She doesn’t need you being an arsehole to her. Especially after what she told me in the car today.”

  I turned to face him. “What did she tell you?”

  “She told me about her husband.”

  “What about her hus—”

  “Her husband?” Meg interrupted, whisper-shouting her surprise. “Stella is married?”

  Todd rubbed her leg and tightened his grip around her shoulder. “Was married. He died. She’s a widow.”

  “Oh my god! What happened? And when? I bet it was recently.That would explain her bizarre mood swings and behaviour.”

  “I’m not sure what happened,” he answered sadly. “She didn’t tell me.”

  Meg looked in my direction for an answer I couldn’t give her, so I shook my head. “She didn’t tell me either.”

  “She did say that it was just over one and half years ago, though,” Todd added, then turned his gaze back to the TV, seemingly lost in thought rather than taking in what was on the screen.

  Meg’s brow creased in confusion. “Oh, well, it’s not really that recent then, is it?”

  “It would feel recent enough for Stella, babe,” Todd explained.

  She shook her head as if to shake away her initial thought. “Yeah, I guess you’re right. Poor Stella, she must be heartbroken.”

  “I don’t know about that,” I responded quietly, leaning in closer so they could hear me.

  Todd’s eyes met mine. “You got that impression as well?”

  “Yeah. It was the part where she said she ‘hated’ him and that it was ‘his fault’.”

  Meg’s eyes widened. “Really? She said that?”

  Todd nodded. “There’s got to be more to it. Maybe I should call Pete, her father, or even ring Mum and ask her. She may know something. Then again, ever since Mum moved to Queensland, from what she’s told me, her and Pete don’t talk any more.”

  “I don’t know if that’s a good idea, babe,” Meg warned, shaking her head, her tone laced with caution.

  “Why?”

  “Well, in the short time I’ve known Stella, I’ve figured out that she is a very private person, but also that she will open up when she is ready. If she finds out that you’ve gone behind her back and started probing into her past right after she’s opened up to you, she won’t stick around.”

  I agreed. “I think we just need to give her some time and space. Trust me, I’ve pushed her and it backfired. Big time.”

  “What do you mean, you pushed her?” Todd asked angrily.

  “Back down, mate. I meant that I’ve given her a little nudge here and there to try and force her out of her shell. Don’t get me wrong; at times, it worked. But then she climbs back into that bloody shell as if she were a turtle. And then she friggin’ locks the door.”

  “Did you just call Stella a turtle?”

  “Yeah, I did. She calls me a toad, so I’m calling her a turtle.”

  Meg burst into laughter. “She calls you a toad? I like her even more now.”

  “Toad does suit you, mate,” Todd said, adding insult to injury.

  Huffing, I realised the name fit me better than it should. I was a toad. I was a toad for treating her like shit when I knew she was struggling to deal with the death of her husband, even if she wouldn’t admit to it.

  Standing up, I stretched, preparing myself for the grovelling I was about to perform.

  “You going to go and do what I’m hoping you’re going to do?” Todd asked, refusing to look at me.

  “Yep, sure am. Wish me luck.” I yawned and stretched for effect, to delay for the slightest of seconds what I now had to go and do.

  Meg smiled and gave me a wink. “Go get her, Toad.”

  Todd’s eyes flicked to mine, a glint of a warning to behave. His soundless message didn’t go unnoticed. It was also one I didn’t need. My plans were to apologise profusely, let her know that I could just be her friend if that’s what she wanted and, over-all, just to be on my best behaviour. Under no circumstances was I to look at her tits. None.

  * * *

  As I approached Stella’s door, the floorboards beneath my feet creaked, sounding an alarm as if I were a creepy fucker about to invade her privacy. It bloody worked though, and I froze ... like an idiot. What am I friggin’ doing? Stop being a pussy and get this over with.

  Cricking my neck from side to side, I gently knocked on her door. “Stella?”

  Silence.

  I knocked again. “Stella, are you awake? I want to apologise.”

&
nbsp; More silence.

  Shit! Maybe she’s asleep. Do I just open the door and check? Of course. It wouldn’t hurt to take a peek and see if she was awake or not.

  Clasping her door handle, I turned it slowly and pushed it just enough to poke my head around, finding Stella lying fast asleep on her bed in a semi-foetal position. She had on her pink pussy-cat PJs and looked absolutely adorable.

  Just as I was about to close the door and leave her in peace, she mumbled something I couldn’t quite make out, something that sounded like win. She then brought her legs closer to her chest and hugged them, as if she was feeling cold. Unable to just walk out and leave her like that, I proceeded into her room with caution, knowing that if she were to wake up and find me prancing around like the fucking Pink Panther, she’d well and truly kill me.

  I stepped up to her bed — praying for the floorboards to shut the fuck up — and took hold of her blanket, pulling it over her. She murmured again and turned just slightly so that she was lying on her back. Seeing her there, so peaceful, so innocent and so beautiful made my heart lose control and beat like crazy. The pounding from within my chest was almost to the point of pain. Pain, because even though she was right there within my reach, she wasn’t. I wanted her so badly and in every way possible, but I knew I couldn’t have her. She would have to be the one to want me, to pursue me. She would have to be in charge and take control of us — if there was ever going to be an us.

  Squatting down, I fought the urge to run my finger down her cheek, to gently trace it along her smooth skin. I also wanted to soothingly caress her pink and slightly puffy eyes, because no doubt I was the reason they were that way. Seeing the evidence that she’d been crying tore me to shreds.

  I dropped my head in shame and whispered, “Sorry, Princess. I promise I’ll make this right.” Then, unable to help myself, I leaned forward and lightly kissed her forehead before leaving the room.

  As I closed the door behind me, Meg was waiting out in the hallway. “You really like her, don’t you?” she asked with a knowing smile.