The Resolution for Women

by Priscilla Shirer

  I answered her by telling her the same thing I want to share with you: the capacity to forgive yourself is personally impossible. You can’t do it. Nobody can. But there’s no need to be dismayed or defeated over this because absolutely no place in Scripture are we told that this is something we’re supposed to do.

  Hear that again: the Bible doesn’t tell us to forgive ourselves.

  Now I understand that guilt is an emotion that can crop up out of nowhere. Pushing the feeling aside, after repenting of the actions or inactions that first put it there, requires a deliberate, cognizant act of faith. You must intentionally declare your heart and mind restored and refreshed even when you feel such deep regret. But you have no responsibility—or even capability, for that matter—to forgive yourself.

  Here’s the reality that you and I are instructed to rest in . . .

  Everyone has sinned; we all fall short of God’s glorious standard. Yet God, with undeserved kindness, declares that we are righteous. He did this through Christ Jesus when he freed us from the penalty for our sins. For God presented Jesus as the sacrifice for sin. People are made right with God when they believe that Jesus sacrificed his life, shedding his blood. This sacrifice shows that God was being fair when he held back and did not punish those who sinned in times past, for he was looking ahead and including them in what he would do in this present time. God did this to demonstrate his righteousness, for he himself is fair and just, and he declares sinners to be right in his sight when they believe in Jesus. (Romans 3:23–26 NLT)

  Bottom line: forgiveness of your sins is something that Christ suffered a terrifying death to give you. And His work was so complete, He is thereby able to promise and declare to you and me, “I will forgive their wrongdoing and never again remember their sin” (Jeremiah 31:34). He has pressed the delete key over every sin you’ve ever committed. And He Himself—your ultimate ruler and judge—chooses never to recall your misdeeds to mind again, not with the intent of punishing you for them.

  So why should you?

  Actually, when you think about it, to say, “I can’t forgive myself” means you don’t fully believe that what He did was quite enough, that in some strange way His forgiveness of you is inadequate. This is the arrogant, hubristic tendency of fallen humanity, refusing to accept that His gift was and still is enough.

  But, yes, it is.

  And, yes, it must be. For no human forgiveness is strong enough—not even your own—to ever free you from the torturous reminder of your offense and the cloak of guilt it lays on your shoulders. Even if you were somehow able to find it and apply it, it wouldn’t be enough. Only through a gracious acceptance of the gift extended to you through Christ Jesus will you ever really be free—free from the bondage, free from its hold, free to see that your Savior Himself pressed the delete button for your sins when He . . .

  Walked the road to Calvary.

  Felt the crown of thorns pressed onto His head.

  Took the beating.

  Allowed the sword’s piercing.

  Flinched against the nails puncturing His hands and feet.

  Hung on Golgotha’s tree.

  That’s when you received all the forgiveness you’ll ever need. When He cried, “It is finished!” (John 19:30), it was done. Once and for all. He pressed the delete button on all your transgressions. Every one of them.

  Even that one.

  All that’s left for you now is to accept this for the glorious fact that it legitimately and eternally is. In doing this, you have forgiven yourself.

  You’ve done well not to let pride downgrade your sin in your own eyes so that you think it’s hardly deserving of a slap on the wrist. But seeing clearly the depth of your failure and iniquity, you must let your “godly grief” produce “a repentance not to be regretted” (2 Corinthians 7:10).

  On your knees, with hands outstretched, resolve to receive forgiveness.

  His forgiveness.

  Click. Delete.

  • Describe in your own words the differences and connections between forgiving yourself and receiving God’s forgiveness.

  • Choose one past action that you’ve held against yourself, and then prayerfully consider the Lord’s payment for this sin. Choose to receive it for yourself.

  No More Circles

  A young woman e-mailed our ministry yesterday. And in the throes of her letter, she told me an odd fact that had led her to a profound observation. Her sister, it seemed, owned a retired circus pony. But even though his days of working the circuit were now over, this little pony did nothing but wander in circles all day. Here he was, in a newfound place of freedom, fully able to range and explore and experience all that his new life had to offer. Yet his old life still haunted him. Defined him. Restrained him. Controlled him. He kept to the same pattern to which he’d been relegated for so long. He apparently didn’t know how to operate any other way.

  This is the burden of unforgiveness. This is its legacy. It sits on you, weighing you down, restricting you from enjoying the new spaces and phases and freedoms that each season of life brings you. It fits you with blinders, keeping you from seeing anything other than the offense done against you, making it hard to view anything else in your life except through its lens. Unforgiveness forces you to stay one-dimensional, thinly sliced, unable to experience the joys that only exist on the periphery. Instead it keeps you narrowly relegated to the artificial boundaries created by yesterday’s disappointments—a circle of mundane living that’s far less than the abundant life you were created for.

  I’m not judging you for this, OK? I know. I understand. If we were sitting together right now, I’d be crying right alongside you. What’s happened is bad. Terrible. In many ways—in every natural sense—unforgiveable. Perhaps it’s still going on, in fact. You’ve tried to forgive. You’ve thought you were there. But then here it comes again—another betrayal, another broken promise, another blow to your fragile trust—and as a result, deeper hurt. Closed loops. Tighter circles. The memories are always near the surface.

  I know. I know. Believe me, I know.

  But as a wise, older mentor of mine once told me, “The entirety of your life is made up of two percentages. Ten percent is what happens to you. Ninety percent is how you react to what happens.” Sure, we wish we could control everything and redo much of what’s gone on. But the reality is, we can’t change it now. In many cases we couldn’t have done anything about it when it did happen, even if we’d wanted to. Some of these things may have occurred when you were so young you had no voice or strength to refuse. And without simplifying or minimizing the staggering effects of those tragic offenses, the truth remains that these events and circumstances—the actual moments when they occurred—make up only a small portion or percentage of your life. The much larger portion, the part that really defines the person you’re becoming and the life you ultimately create, is the space where you’ve tried (and still try) to grapple and deal with what’s happened.

  It’s into this 90 percent space that forgiveness falls.

  So, again, while not pretending to be a counselor, and not able in this small chapter to discuss everything the Bible says about forgiveness—and certainly not implying that this equates to flipping a switch at 6:30 and enjoying a nice coffee at 6:45—I’m just here to tell you the truth.

  I want your abundant life back. No more circles.

  Please, God, no more circles.

  Forgiveness is reached through a combination of several actions.

  First, refuse to store up and harbor a grudge. Make an active decision not to hold a debt over someone else’s head or to keep an ongoing record of their wrongdoing. Choose instead to release them of that liability, and then trust God—who knows every detail of everything that’s happened—to work on your behalf and bring healing to your heart, even if not a clean resolution to the problem or a restoration of relationship. Forgiveness means releasing into His hands the person, the circumstance, and the outcome. All of it.

  That’
s the way He did it with us, right?

  He forgave all our sins. He canceled the record of the charges against us and took it away by nailing it to the cross. (Colossians 2:13–14 NLT)

  This is the framework of forgiveness we are to follow—releasing others from the very real charges we’ve stacked up against them and freeing them from the debt, whether they’ve admitted their mistake or not. Learning to discipline yourself not to harbor resentment or continue building your case against them in your mind is a difficult but necessary activity in any victorious Christian’s life. Making this resolution will not only affect the health of your current relationships but will also prepare you to have more stable ones in the future.

  If a wife expects to find joy in marriage, she must be able to quickly forgive her husband when he upsets her. If a mother expects to enjoy her children, she must rapidly release any hurt they inflict upon her, not letting it settle inside and fester into resentment. If a daughter expects to fulfill the biblical requirement to honor her parents, she must write off any debt she feels owed as a result of her parents’ failings. If a friend expects to relate with any depth and vulnerability toward another, she must not feel entitled to her well-dusted collection of cataloged offenses. If we want to keep any of these relationships healthy, we must unshackle them from the built-up resentment over issues from the past or even issues from last night.

  Truly a wounded heart cannot open up either to fully love or receive love. And one who harbors her wounds as some kind of protection against further wounds only tightens the hard places in her heart that keep her locked in circles, never escaping what’s happened, stuck in her predictable ruts and reactions.

  So I’m urging you to make this first decision. To clear the decks and stop keeping count.

  And here’s how you’ll know you’re doing it. If someone does something today that causes you to be angry—which will keep happening sometimes, even after you make this resolution—and you immediately begin rehearsing everything they did yesterday and the day before, you’ll know you’re still living in unforgiveness. If what this person has just done becomes the cherry on top of a cake you’ve been baking for days, weeks, and years, you’ll know that you still have a tendency to store up offenses.

  But as you start releasing them from your debt—and releasing yourself from the burden of carrying it around and keeping up with it—your treatment of them will no longer have their past continually reflected in it. You’ll be free. You’ll deal in the present. You’ll feel like a new person. The air around you won’t have that choked, acrid sourness about it.

  Your circles will grow wider. Your experiences will take you to more rewarding, more refreshing places. Right away. More each day.

  Second, you must leave room for God to act on your behalf. It’s quite natural to feel as though forgiveness lets the other person just get away with it. You’re still the victim, and they’re still the oblivious, unpenalized offender. You’re especially likely to feel this if you never hear this other person express any regret for their actions, or if their lame attempt at an apology is more like a self-justification, trying to shroud you in as much or more blame as themselves. Their pitiful way of saying “sorry” only reveals how they obviously still don’t get it.

  Yes, repentance is an important, necessary step on their part if they’re ever to experience freedom from what they’ve done. That’s why Jesus could say, “If your brother sins, rebuke him, and if he repents, forgive him. And if he sins against you seven times in a day, and comes back to you seven times, saying, ‘I repent,’ you must forgive him” (Luke 17:3–4). Their acknowledgement of wrong is expected and crucial.

  But if they don’t, or can’t, or won’t admit to the harm they’ve caused you, it’s not your job to ensure they get what’s coming to them. By giving them your forgiveness, you leave it up to God to deal with them. And deal with them, He will—in His own way, in His own timing, much better and more thoroughly than you ever could.

  Refuse the urge to retaliate. Trust that He will do your fighting for you. Believe that He will serve your best interests in the circumstances at hand as you stay humble and at peace before Him. By choosing not to fill in every margin with your own well-thought-out plans for restitution, you choose instead to “leave room for God’s wrath” (Romans 12:19 NIV).

  Finally, you must pray. It is imperative that you ask the Lord to empower you to forgive. You can’t do this in your own strength. You shouldn’t expect to. To release others from the debt they owe requires supernatural resources, strengthening, and encouragement. Pray for it. Pray for all of it. And He will respond.

  Forgiveness is a miracle. It really is. It’s a supernatural outworking of God’s Spirit through you, enabling you to extend something you could never do apart from His indwelling activity. He alone can compel a grieving mother to forgive her child’s killer, or a betrayed friend to forgive an act of emotional disregard and cruelty, or a deceived wife to welcome back the one with whom she exchanged those first vows.

  Only one power, one invisible force, one miracle can clear away the eroding illness that robs you of peace and love and the enjoyment of life. Only one substance is heavy and blanketing enough to douse the raging fire of resentment that burns away your joy, the flames that have left behind nothing but scraps and soot and the ashy remnants of what your life could have been.

  Only God can alter your pattern, quicken your step, expand your reach . . . and get you out of those circles.

  Again—and again and again—by no means am I suggesting that these steps are simple or easy to do. I’m only proposing, by the authority of God’s Word, that it is worth it. Being a woman resolved to forgive can save your friendships, rescue your marriage, restore your relationship, rebuild your life, refurbish your business, reestablish your work, and help you regain your very self, allowing you to live freely. Lovingly. With joy.

  This is the mission of the resolution at hand. This is its purpose, seeing to it “that no one falls short of the grace of God and that no root of bitterness springs up, causing trouble and by it, defiling many” (Hebrews 12:15). It is designed to rescue you, while bringing with it the added by-product of extending the impact of your grace toward those you love.

  Just as the Lord has forgiven you, so you must also forgive. (Colossians 3:13)

  This is your offering. Extending forgiveness. Just as He has so wonderfully, abundantly, and outlandishly poured it out on you.

  Now I’m certain this is not the first thing you’ve ever read or the first message you’ve ever heard on the topic of forgiveness. I’m fully aware that this theme and need are as ancient as the Bible itself. There’s nothing innovative or particularly brilliant about what I’ve shared—no formerly unknown secret, no 1-2-3 formula for unlocking yourself from a prison of bitterness.

  You’ve known all this. But what have you done with it?

  Have you resolved to be forgiven, as well as to forgive? Taking the steps to do it makes all the difference.

  Therein lies the secret you’ve possibly been waiting to discover—the promised opportunity to change the geometry of your life from endless circles into the best shape your heart has ever been in.

  • Circle the step that’s most difficult for you in forgiving someone else, and then consider why that’s the case:

  refusing to store up and harbor a grudge

  leaving room for God to act on your behalf

  praying, asking the Lord to give you a desire to forgive

  • Think of the names you wrote at the first of this section—people you are holding grudges against. Ask the Lord to empower you to forgive them. Then replace the underlined phrase with each person’s name, “forgiving one another, just as God also forgave you in Christ” (Ephesians 4:32).

  • To be fair and complete, is there anyone you need to request forgiveness from? As the Scripture says, “If you are offering your gift on the altar, and there you remember that your brother has something against you, leave your gift the
re in front of the altar. First go and be reconciled with your brother, and then come and offer your gift” (Matthew 5:23–24) . . . even your gift of forgiveness.

  • As you move forward to sign this resolution, remember that this should only be the beginning—the initiation of a journey that may take time and counsel to complete. Be willing to seek the necessary help to fully experience the benefits that forgiveness is designed to give.

  MY FORGIVENESS

  I will forgive those who have wronged me and reconcile with those I have wronged.

  __________

  MY INTEGRITY

  A resolution to live with the highest standards of virtue and purity

  Structural Soundness

  Blessed are those whose way is blameless. (Psalm 119:1 NASB)

  In preparing to write a book like this—one that covers a wide range of different topics—it seemed necessary to involve other women in the process. So I mailed copies of all these resolution points to a selected group of my friends—women from different age groups, ethnic backgrounds, and current life situations—to prayerfully consider each of these statements and how they intersect with reality. And overwhelmingly, this particular resolution dealing with integrity and personal purity struck some of the deepest chords in women’s hearts, challenging and convicting them in a way that truly resonated.

  I will not tolerate evil influences even in the most justifiable form, in myself or my home . . .