The Resolution for Women

by Priscilla Shirer

  Well, I didn’t know exactly how to answer her. “Was I sure this is what I wanted to do?” Of course, I was sure. But before I could finish my first few stumbling attempts at basically saying yes, she asked me a second question: “If he never does anything different, if he never changes or becomes anyone other than the man he is right now, can you love him, honor him, and commit yourself to him for the rest of your life?”

  What did she want from me?

  She wanted me to hear the truth. She wanted to shoot straight enough with me that when I eventually came down from cloud nine, I’d land on square one. She wanted me to see that marriage requires a full investment of myself to this union. I couldn’t just say, “I do” unless I “really did”—unless I wanted to make this partnership and this man my priority. I couldn’t go into marriage thinking only about how much he was going to do for me. I also needed to think about how I would serve him, esteem him, build him up, and honor him. Was I ready to give the time and energy, the emotional effort and attention that would be required to keep myself contented and my husband satisfied even when I didn’t feel like it? Even when he didn’t deserve it?

  That’s what her loaded question was looking to uncover.

  And I wonder, if you’re single, whether you think about marriage in this light. I’m curious to know if you’ve considered the selflessness that would be required of you to fulfill your husband and assist him in accomplishing the work God has put him on earth to do.

  And I wonder, if you’re married, what you’ve chosen to do with the truth of what my friend was telling me five weeks short of my wedding—the truth you’ve certainly discovered numerous times, no matter how many years you’re already in.

  But any woman resolving to fulfill her husband must consider these mysterious (perhaps intolerable) facets about him and understand that a major part of her role in marriage will be to value, support, honor, and encourage him, even when it goes against every last nerve impulse in her body. It’s the gift you commit to give him when you marry him—to provide a soft place for him to fall when he feels discouraged by his own faults and intimidated by the world’s pressures. You are committing to be for him even when you’d rather be against him. You are determining to be faithful to him, pledging to reserve physical and emotional intimacy only for him.

  And some of these things can be difficult. Perhaps in your case, difficult may not come close to communicating the struggles your husband has brought to your relationship. Depending on what’s happening or not happening in your marriage, this may be the one resolution point that makes you want to slam down this book and go find one that’s a little more in touch with reality.

  I am not minimizing for one minute what you may be going through right now by thinking that a few simple chapters on what you can bring to your marriage will automatically solve everything you’re facing. I am well aware how daunting a challenge it might be for you to take me up on this resolution when you could be married to a man who’s made none of his own. No way am I pretending this is a piece of wedding cake.

  But the fact remains, fulfilling your spouse is an admirable, biblical aspiration worth striving to achieve no matter what state you may find yourself in today—even if you’re unhappy right now in your relationship and may have even begun to seek satisfaction in another person—even if you are single and hoping to become a wife one day. You want to be fulfilled, don’t you? You want your deepest needs met. Well, your husband wants the same thing. No, he may not be fulfilling his side of the bargain at the moment. But remember, this book is not about him. The reality is, you cannot change him. But you can pinpoint some changes in yourself, and then you can bring that new resolve to your marriage. You can be faithful. That much you can do.

  I, like you, am on a journey—still learning and growing as I experience daily life with my own husband. And yet observation and personal testimony are teaching me that this resolution will often result in good things for your relationship. That’s because spouses tend to live up to the standard they see in those around them, as well as the esteem they receive from their mate. So overlook what you feel your husband deserves or has earned by his behavior, and simply consider your own personal part in light of this resolution and what it’s asking you to commit yourself to do.

  You may not want to do it, but I’m asking you a question: Will you do it anyway? Not only for your own sake or even your husband’s but because doing so will bring honor and glory to the name of the Lord.

  • What are some things you would say if you were counseling a young woman on the eve of her wedding day?

  • Would you say you have accepted the responsibilities marriage has required, or resisted them?

  • List some of your husband’s characteristics that you wish would change but likely will not. Now record the way YOU can change to adapt to your husband’s characteristics if these attributes are never altered.

  • Before reading further, record some of the facets of your marriage you would like to see affected by this resolution. Use this as a guideline for prayer and a barometer for change in your relationship as you incorporate into your marriage the principles we will discuss.

  • Single woman, as you read these chapters, take the opportunity to record your thoughts, questions, and insights.

  Hopes and Fears

  This whole topic of fulfilling your husband contains more layers than you and I could ever hope to cover in-depth in these few pages. Your husband could probably tell you many things that would help him feel more secure, loved, and fulfilled, and I hope you’ll take this resolution as the perfect opportunity to ask him. He is full of emotional needs and (Lord knows) some physical ones that you and I could spend hours talking about together, but it wouldn’t be nearly as beneficial and specific as you and your man having that discussion. So instead of even trying to cover this topic in full, my hope is that this resolution will at least point you in the right direction in one specific area—one which, as it turns out, has an enormous effect on your husband’s feeling fulfilled and encouraged as a man.

  (Single sister, you’re smart to stay tuned and hang in there with us. Trust me, you’ll want to hear this too.)

  Throughout the last several years, I’ve enjoyed the distinct honor of sharing a speaker’s stage with two beloved authors and Bible teachers—Kay Arthur and Beth Moore. And during one of our recent panel discussions before thousands of women, Miss Kay summarized a huge dose of marriage reality into so tight a capsule that any of us could swallow it and keep it down.

  She said that men (husbands in particular) possess two great fears:

  the fear of being found inadequate

  the fear of being controlled by a woman

  . . . which lead them to the following attitudes and aspirations. Your man wants to be your hero. He wants to feel like he is worthwhile to you and needed by you. He desires more than anything to see a look of love and admiration in your eyes. He wants to know that you celebrate him, depend on him, feel privileged to be married to him, and expect great things from him.

  It’s OK.

  Take a deep breath.

  Now promise me you’ll keep reading.

  Honestly, I can’t know how this strikes you. I understand from being a wife myself and talking with many of you through e-mails and blog comments that our frustration level with our spouses can run fairly high sometimes. In some marriages the wife’s anger and resentment of her husband is off the charts. Now oftentimes hers is an inappropriate, knee-jerk response to what is simply the flawed humanity in her husband. However, I also understand that in other cases it seems warranted. With all he’s done, you feel like his little wants and fears can just go take a number. He’s given you enough wants and fears for the both of you.

  So whether this subject sounds interesting and enlightening to you as you try helping your husband unearth the God-given potential you know is inside of him or it sounds outright infuriating to you based on the track record he’s shown you so far, I believe it
’s something we all need to hear. Because even though a lot of things get brought inside the house and locked into the carpet fibers of our marriage, we do neither our husbands nor ourselves any favors by thinking those stains are coming out on their own. This chapter—this resolution—is our opportunity to get out the spray bottle and the scrub brush and get to work doing something that may just lift some of the deepest, most ground-in dirt from our hearts and our marriage. And even if not everything comes out and cleans up the way we’d hoped, we’ll be honoring the Lord by honoring His Word and His purposes for our lives and for this vital relationship.

  Let’s see what these twin fears in our guys’ lives have to do with us and what will happen if we try to alleviate them.

  His fear of inadequacy. Your husband is capable, honorable, and worthy of your attention and admiration. He desires to know more than anything that you trust him, that you believe he has the wisdom and talent to succeed. He is fulfilled when he senses that, despite his inadequacies, you see the possibilities and potential God has given him as your provider and protector. He likes knowing you’re praying for him, rooting for him, assuring him that he still has what it takes to be the man of your dreams. When he feels genuinely affirmed by you, it makes him want to live up to your trust in most cases. Then even when he falls short, it will be apparent that his desire was to meet your expectations. You’ll see in his eyes that he was trying to please you.

  This alone should be some cause for your continued trust and appreciation, as opposed to blanket disapproval (which we are often notorious for offering). When he starts to sense that all you ever think he can do is to be sloppy, forgetful, unimaginative, irresponsible, weak, indecisive, and clueless, he will become less inclined and motivated over time to prove you wrong. He knows you’ll only find something to be critical of anyway.

  I know your man’s not perfect. Not even close, you say? He knows it too. He’s not delusional. He knows he’s flawed, even if he’s not quick to admit it out loud. But just like you and me, he is not to be defined by his imperfections. He has been divinely wired to be a leader, father, and provider for your family. And the last thing he needs or wants is a wife who doesn’t believe it, who’s always correcting him, unwilling to either recognize or support these qualities in him.

  A voice of support, confidence, and encouragement from you is electric to him. It quells the continual struggle against any sense of inadequacy that smolders inside of him. When you pull him aside to pray for him, when you tell him he’s been on your mind, when he sees in your eyes that you’re proud of the man he’s becoming, it’s like a shot of pure adrenaline to his system. It’s the soft warmth of security that comforts him from the ridicule of a harsh world and the internal jeering of his own insecurity. Sure, there are times for talking plainly and honestly about things he needs to improve and watch out for. But probably not right now in the heat of the moment with that disappointment written all over his face. And probably not until he already knows for sure that your basic default is to love and take delight in him. An overall demeanor of gratitude will go a long way whenever the occasional reality check is called for.

  If you’re like me, you have an inclination to be overly critical of your husband’s actions. But if your husband is anything like mine (and I suspect he is), he bristles at being corrected, criticized, and mothered by you. It makes him feel belittled and insignificant. Beaten down and discouraged. And even if you think that’s the way he ought to feel about himself after what he’s done and not done for you and your marriage, this sets a man up to be even more damaging and destructive to his entire family. It’s not good for anybody.

  Men, honestly, even with all their complexities, are really very basic and uncomplicated. Our cutting, nagging comments can wound them deeply, especially when the disapproval builds up over time. What we think of as no more than a little jab about a specific incident becomes a stabbing wound that leaves a hole in their manhood. Yet equally as powerful are our simple, honest, even offhand compliments that can make our husbands feel like a million bucks. When we make it our business to remind them of their position in Christ and the potential and possibility that lies within them—not because we’re patronizing them but because we truly believe it—they feel on top of the world. One man told me that a little compliment his wife paid him one morning as he was leaving for work caused him to have confidence in his abilities all day at the office. It pays for us to choose wisely what we say and how we choose to say it.

  And . . . to whom we say it.

  Husbands have a way of detecting the mood of conversations you’re having with other women. He knows if the sentiments you express when he isn’t around are complimentary or not. The conversations you have with others must be carefully considered and tempered with grace, even when you rightfully need to be honest about your reality with someone who can offer you godly advice. Your husband should never be ashamed to enter a conversation you’ve already started or be humiliated when he runs into a woman you’ve been talking to. He should have confidence and trust that his wife is esteeming him to others.

  Again, this doesn’t mean shielding him from being held accountable for weaknesses in his character or any faultiness in his thinking, especially those things that are causing dangerous harm to your marriage and family; but it does mean being sure the picture you paint of him in public is uplifting and edifying. I’m remembering a man telling me one time how good it was to know that when he sees his wife talking and laughing with other women, like at church or at a party, he knows—because of his wife’s promise to him (and his to her)—that she’s not running him down to somebody else.

  Now perhaps your husband has consistently proven that he’s not worthy of your trust. He’s been careless with money, drawn to addictions, perhaps even unfaithful to his marriage vows. The reason you can’t ascribe high value to his character, you say, is because he hasn’t shown you very much of it. And you’re right—his carelessness, laziness, or lack of integrity is not your fault. You are not responsible for what he’s done and is doing, even if you’ve been less than careful about loving him well and feeding his ego. But even you—even now—can resolve to affirm your husband and to promise that your trust in him is not gone forever. It may need to be reconstructed with the aid of outside help and ongoing accountability, but he needs to know that your heart’s desire is to reestablish confidence in him.

  So even in the most minor of baby steps, will you begin inching forward in your visible signs of trust and affirmation toward him? Will you allow him the new (or at least long-forgotten) experience of walking into the day with his wife’s love and esteem trailing behind him? Will you look him in the eye and tell him you’re not devising a plan B, a fall-back arrangement in case he doesn’t ultimately pan out—that he is your one and only plan A?

  What would a man do differently if he knew he couldn’t lose his wife’s love and respect, no matter what he did? I don’t pose this question breezily. I understand the serious implications involved. I know why you may shudder at it. But read it and ask it again. And consider . . .

  Would he feel so freed from responsibility and consequence that he’d indulge his self-centeredness even more than he already does? Or—and this is likely—would the ironclad assurance of your support and devotion inspire him to greater things than he’s proven capable of before, breakthroughs that would end up benefitting both of you with richer blessing and depth of relationship? Only one way to find out.

  And now, to the second of his fears.

  His fear of being controlled. We looked at the different roles of men and women in our resolution regarding biblical femininity. Males and females have equal value, but we are not the same. Your standards and opinions are different from his, perhaps in many areas of potential contention. But that doesn’t mean his way is necessarily wrong. It’s just different, though equally as crucial and valuable to the successful outcome of the situation. If you try to control him and force him into your way of thinking, y
ou will break something that probably doesn’t need fixing, just understanding and valuing.

  When your husband feels like he’s being controlled, he will eventually shut down completely, relegating his role of leadership to you, since “you seem to be doing such a good job at it anyway.” The result is a shadow of the man you once knew and loved—a deflated, disinterested slacker who makes few decisions and shows little initiative. Then, in the vicious cycle created by this marital dynamic, you become increasingly overwhelmed, frustrated, and upset because you feel like you’re bearing the burden he should be carrying—when in actuality, it’s the very burden you snatched away from him because you didn’t like how he was doing it.

  But if, on the other hand, he doesn’t feel like he’s being bullied out of his God-given position as the leader in the home or held up to your overbearing, micromanaging scrutiny, he’ll not only be more likely to settle in to his potential but also to seek your help and willingly relinquish certain responsibilities that you’re clearly more equipped to handle. In other words, he won’t mind admitting that you’re better than him in a particular area. So some of the things you’ve been vying to claim more control and influence over may come back to you without a fight—as if it was his idea all along—once he doesn’t feel like he has no choice but to abdicate.

  And you know what? This could also rebound to you in the areas of intimacy and romance. A man who feels controlled by his wife loses much of his desire for being tender toward a woman who sounds, acts, and treats him more like his mother. No wonder he doesn’t look dreamily into her eyes or spark romantic endeavors with her the way he used to do when she just wanted to be his sweetheart and allowed him to be her champion.