The Jeeves Omnibus - Vol 1:

by P. G. Wodehouse

  I was stunned.

  ‘Good Lord, Jeeves! Has Second Cousin George kicked the bucket?’

  ‘Yes, sir.’

  ‘And left all his money to old Stoker?’

  ‘Yes, sir.’

  ‘Now I see. Now I understand – This explains everything. I was wondering how he managed to be going about buying vast estates. The yacht in the harbour is his, of course?’

  ‘Yes, sir.’

  ‘Well, well, well! But, dash it, George must have had nearer relations.’

  ‘Yes, sir. I understand that he disliked them all.’

  ‘You know about him, then?’

  ‘Yes, sir. I saw a good deal of his personal attendant when we were in New York. A man named Benstead.’

  ‘He was potty, wasn’t he?’

  ‘Certainly extremely eccentric, sir.’

  ‘Any chance of one of those other relations contesting the will?’

  ‘I do not imagine so, sir. But in such a case Mr Stoker would rely on Sir Roderick Glossop, of course, to testify that the late Mr Stoker, while possibly somewhat individual in his habits, was nevertheless perfectly sane. The testimony of so eminent a mental specialist as Sir Roderick would be unassailable.’

  ‘You mean he’d say why shouldn’t a fellow walk about on his hands, if he wants to? Saves shoe leather, and so forth?’

  ‘Exactly, sir.’

  ‘Then there’s no chance of Miss Stoker ever being anything except the heiress of a bird with fifty million dollars shoved away behind the brick in the fire-place?’

  ‘Virtually none, sir.’

  I brooded on this.

  ‘H’m. And unless old Stoker buys the Hall, Chuffy will continue to be Kid Lazarus, the man without a bean. One spots the drama of the situation. And yet, why, Jeeves? Why all this fuss about money? After all, plenty of bust blokes have married oofy girls before now.’

  ‘Yes, sir. But his lordship is a gentleman of peculiar views on this particular matter.’

  I mused. Yes, I reflected, it was quite true. Chuffy is a fellow who has always been odd on the subject of money. It’s something to do with the Pride of the Chuffnells, I suppose. I know that for years and years I have been trying to lend him of my plenty, but he has always steadfastly refused to put the bite on me.

  ‘It’s difficult,’ I said. ‘One fails for the moment to see the way out. And yet you may be wrong, Jeeves. After all, you’re only guessing.’

  ‘No, sir. His lordship did me the honour to confide in me.’

  ‘Really? How did the subject come up?’

  ‘Mr Stoker had expressed a wish that I should enter his employment. He approached me in the matter. I informed his lordship. His lordship instructed me to hold out hopes.’

  ‘You can’t mean that he wants you to leave him and go to old Stoker?’

  ‘No, sir. He specifically stated the reverse, with a good deal of vehemence. But he was anxious that I should not break off the negotiations with a definite refusal until the sale of Chuffnell Hall had gone through.’

  ‘I see. I follow his strategy. He wanted you to jolly old Stoker along and keep him sweetened till he had signed the fatal papers?’

  ‘Precisely, sir. It was this conversation that led up to his lordship revealing his personal position as concerns Miss Stoker. Until his financial status is sufficiently sound to justify him in doing so, his self-respect will not permit him to propose marriage to the young lady.’

  ‘Silly ass!’

  ‘I would not have ventured to employ precisely that term myself, sir, but I confess that I regard his lordship’s attitude as somewhat hyper-quixotic.’

  ‘We must talk him out of it.’

  ‘Impossible, sir, I fear. I endeavoured to do so myself, but my arguments were of no avail. His lordship has a complex.’

  ‘A what?’

  ‘A complex, sir. It seems that he once witnessed a musical comedy, in which one of the dramatis personæ was a certain impecunious peer, Lord Wotwotleigh, who was endeavouring to marry an American heiress, and this individual appears to have made a lasting impression on his mind. He stated to me in the most unequivocal terms that he refused to place himself in a position where comparisons might be instituted.’

  ‘But suppose the sale of the house does not go through?’

  ‘In that case, I fear, sir –’

  ‘The damask cheek will continue to do business at the old stand indefinitely?’

  ‘Exactly, sir.’

  ‘You really are sure it is “damask”?’

  ‘Yes, sir.’

  ‘But it doesn’t seem to mean anything.’

  ‘An archaic adjective, sir. I fancy it is intended to signify a healthy complexion.’

  ‘Well, Chuffy’s got that.’

  ‘Yes, sir.’

  ‘But what good’s a healthy complexion if you don’t get the girl?’

  ‘Very true, sir.’

  ‘What would you advise, Jeeves?’

  ‘I fear I have nothing to suggest at the moment, sir.’

  ‘Come, come, Jeeves.’

  ‘No, sir. The difficulty being essentially a psychological one, I find myself somewhat baffled. As long as the image of Lord Wotwotleigh persists in his lordship’s consciousness, I fear that there is nothing to be done.’

  ‘Of course there is. Why this strange weakness, Jeeves? It is not like you. Obviously, the fellow must be shoved over the brink.’

  ‘I do not quite follow you, sir.’

  ‘Of course you do. The thing’s perfectly clear. Here’s old Chuffy, for the nonce just hanging dumbly round the girl. What he needs is a jolt. If he thought there was grave danger of some other bloke scooping her up, wouldn’t that make him forget these dashed silly ideas of his and charge in, breathing fire through the nostrils?’

  ‘Jealousy is undoubtedly an extremely powerful motivating force, sir.’

  ‘Do you know what I am going to do, Jeeves?’

  ‘No, sir.’

  ‘I am going to kiss Miss Stoker and take care that Chuffy sees me do it.’

  ‘Really, sir, I should not advocate –’

  ‘Peace, Jeeves. I have got the whole thing taped out. It came to me in a flash, as we were talking. After lunch, I shall draw Miss Stoker aside to this seat. You will arrange that Chuffy follows her. Waiting till I see the whites of his eyes, I shall fold her in a close embrace. If that doesn’t work, nothing will.’

  ‘I consider that you would be taking a decided risk, sir. His lordship is in a highly emotional condition.’

  ‘Well, a Wooster can put up with a punch in the eye for the sake of a pal. No, Jeeves, I desire no further discussion. The thing is settled. All that remains is to fix the times. I suppose lunch would be over by about two-thirty … Incidentally, I’m not going in to lunch myself.’

  ‘No, sir?’

  ‘No. I cannot face that gang. I shall remain out here. Bring me some sandwiches and a half-bot of the best.’

  ‘Very good, sir.’

  ‘And, by the way, the french windows of the dining-room will be open in weather like this. Sneak near them from time to time during lunch and bend an ear. Something of importance might be said.’

  ‘Very good, sir.’

  ‘Put plenty of mustard on the sandwiches.’

  ‘Very good, sir.’

  ‘And at two-thirty inform Miss Stoker that I would like a word with her. And at two-thirty-one inform Lord Chuffnell that she would like a word with him. The rest you can leave to me.’

  ‘Very good, sir.’

  6

  * * *

  Complications Set In

  THERE WAS A fairly longish interval before Jeeves returned with the food-stuffs. I threw myself on them with some abandon.

  ‘You’ve been the dickens of a time.’

  ‘I followed your instructions, sir, and listened at the dining-room window.’

  ‘Oh? With what result?’

  ‘I was not able to hear anything that gave an indication of M
r Stoker’s views regarding the purchase of the house, but he appeared in affable mood.’

  ‘That’s promising. Full of sparkle, eh?’

  ‘Yes, sir. He was inviting all those present to a party on his yacht.’

  ‘He’s staying on here, then?’

  ‘For some little time, I gathered, sir. Apparently something has gone wrong with the propeller of the vessel.’

  ‘He probably gave it one of his looks. And this party?’

  ‘It appears that it is Master Dwight Stoker’s birthday tomorrow, sir. The party, I gathered, was to be in celebration of the event.’

  ‘And was the suggestion well received?’

  ‘Extremely, sir. Though Master Seabury appeared to experience a certain chagrin at Master Dwight’s somewhat arrogant assertion that he betted this was the first time that Master Seabury had ever so much as smelled a yacht.’

  ‘What did he say?’

  ‘He retorted that he had been on millions of yachts. Indeed, if I am not mistaken, trillions was the word he employed.’

  ‘And then?’

  ‘From a peculiar noise which he made with his mouth, I received the impression that Master Dwight was sceptical concerning this claim. But at this moment Mr Stoker threw oil upon the troubled waters by announcing his intention of hiring the troupe of negro minstrels to perform at the party. It appears that his lordship had mentioned their presence in Chuffnell Regis.’

  ‘And that went well?’

  ‘Very well, indeed, sir. Except that Master Seabury said that he betted Master Dwight had never heard negro minstrels before. From a remark passed shortly afterwards by her ladyship, I gathered that Master Dwight had then thrown a potato at Master Seabury; and for a while a certain unpleasantness seemed to threaten.’

  I clicked my tongue.

  ‘I wish somebody would muzzle those kids and chain them up. They’ll queer the whole thing.’

  ‘The imbroglio was fortunately short-lived, sir. I left the whole company on what appeared to be the most amicable terms. Master Dwight protested that his hand had slipped, and the apology was gracefully received.’

  ‘Well, bustle back and see if you can hear some more.’

  ‘Very good, sir.’

  I finished my sandwiches and half-bot, and lit a cigarette, wishing that I had told Jeeves to bring me some coffee. But you don’t have to tell Jeeves things like that. In due course, up he rolled with the steaming cupful.

  ‘Luncheon has just concluded, sir.’

  ‘Ah! Did you see Miss Stoker?’

  ‘Yes, sir. I informed her that you desired a word with her, and she will be here shortly.’

  ‘Why not now?’

  ‘His lordship engaged her in conversation immediately after I had given her your message.’

  ‘Had you told him to come here, too?’

  ‘Yes, sir.’

  ‘No good, Jeeves. I see a flaw. They will arrive together.’

  ‘No, sir. On observing his lordship making in this direction, I can easily detain him for a moment on some matter.’

  ‘Such as –?’

  ‘I have long been desirous of canvassing his lordship’s views as to the desirability of purchasing some new socks.’

  ‘H’m! You know what you are when you get on to the subject of socks, Jeeves. Don’t get carried away and keep him talking for an hour. I want to get this thing over.’

  ‘I quite understand, sir.’

  ‘When did you see Miss Stoker?’

  ‘About a quarter of an hour ago, sir.’

  ‘Funny, she doesn’t turn up. I wonder what they’re talking about?’

  ‘I could not say, sir.’

  ‘Ah!’

  I had observed a gleam of white among the bushes. The next moment, the girl appeared. She was looking more beautiful than ever, her eyes, in particular, shining like twin stars. Nevertheless, I did not waver in my view that I was jolly glad it was Chuffy who, if all went well, was going to marry her, and not me. Odd, how a girl may be a perfect knock-out, and yet one can still feel that to be married to her would give one the absolute pip. That’s Life, I suppose.

  ‘Hallo, Bertie,’ said Pauline. ‘What’s all this about your having a headache? You seem to have been doing yourself pretty well, in spite of it.’

  ‘I found I could peck a bit. You had better take these things back, Jeeves.’

  ‘Very good, sir.’

  ‘And you won’t forget that, if his lordship should want me, I’m here.’

  ‘No, sir.’

  He gathered up the plate, cup and bottle and disappeared. And whether I was sorry to see him go or not, I couldn’t have said. I was feeling a good deal worked up. Taut, if you know what I mean. On edge. Tense. The best idea I can give you of my emotions at this juncture is to say that they rather resembled those I had once felt when starting to sing ‘Sonny Boy’ at Beefy Bingham’s Church Lads entertainment down in the East End.

  Pauline had grabbed my arm, and was beginning to make some species of communication.

  ‘Bertie,’ she was saying –

  But at this point I caught sight of Chuffy’s head over a shrub, and I felt that the moment had come to act. It was one of those things that want doing quickly or not at all. I waited no longer. Folding the girl in my arms, I got home on her right eyebrow. It wasn’t one of my best, I will admit, but it was a kiss within the meaning of the act, and I fancied that it ought to produce results.

  And so, no doubt, it would have done, had the fellow who entered left at this critical point been Chuffy. But it wasn’t. What with only being able to catch a fleeting glimpse of a Homburg hat through the foliage, I appeared to have made an unfortunate floater. The bloke who now stood before us was old Pop Stoker, and I confess I found myself a prey to a certain embarrassment.

  It was, you must admit, not a little awkward. Here was an anxious father who combined with a strong distaste for Bertram Wooster the notion that his daughter was madly in love with him: and the first thing he saw when he took an after-lunch saunter was the two of us locked in a close embrace. It was enough to give any parent the jitters, and I was not surprised that his demeanour was that of stout Cortez staring at the Pacific. A fellow with fifty millions in his kick doesn’t have to wear the mask. If he wants to give any selected bloke a nasty look, he gives him a nasty look. He was giving me one now. It was a look that had both alarm and anguish in it, and I realized that Pauline’s statement regarding his views had been accurate.

  Fortunately, the thing did not go beyond looks. Say what you like against civilization, it comes in dashed handy in a crisis like this. It may be a purely artificial code that keeps a father from hoofing his daughter’s kisser when they are fellow guests at a house, but at this moment I felt that I could do with all the purely artificial codes that were going.

  There was just one instant when his foot twitched and it seemed as if what you might call the primitive J. Washburn Stoker was about to find self-expression. Then civilization prevailed. With one more of those looks he collected Pauline, and the next moment I was alone and at liberty to think the thing over.

  And it was as I was doing so with the help of a soothing cigarette that Chuffy bounded into my little sylvan glade. He too appeared to have something on his mind, for he was noticeably pop-eyed.

  ‘Look here, Bertie,’ he began with preamble, ‘what’s all this I hear?’

  ‘What’s all what you hear, old man?’

  ‘Why didn’t you tell me you had been engaged to Pauline Stoker?’

  I raised an eyebrow. It seemed to me that a touch of the iron hand would not be out of place. If you see a fellow’s going to be austere with you, there’s nothing like jumping in and being austere with him first.

  ‘I fail to understand you, Chuffnell,’ I said stiffly. ‘Did you expect me to send you a post card?’

  ‘You could have told me this morning.’

  ‘I saw no reason to do so. How did you hear about it, anyhow?’

  ‘Sir R
oderick Glossop happened to mention it.’

  ‘Oh, he did, did he? Well, he’s an authority on the subject. He was the bird who broke it off.’

  ‘What do you mean?’

  ‘He happened to be in New York at the time, and it was the work of a moment with him to tap old Stoker on the chest and urge him to give me the push. The whole thing didn’t last more than forty-eight hours from kick-off to finish.’

  Chuffy eyed me narrowly.

  ‘You swear that?’

  ‘Certainly.’

  ‘Only forty-eight hours?’

  ‘Less.’

  ‘And there’s nothing between you now?’

  His demeanour was not matey, and I began to perceive that in arranging that Stoker and not he should be the witness of the recent embrace the guardian angel of the Woosters had acted dashed shrewdly.

  ‘Nothing.’

  ‘You’re sure?’

  ‘Nothing whatever. So charge in, Chuffy, old man,’ I said, patting his shoulder in an elder-brotherly manner. ‘Follow the dictates of the old heart and fear nothing. The girl is potty about you.’

  ‘Who told you that?’

  ‘She did.’

  ‘Herself?’

  ‘In person.’

  ‘She does really love me?’

  ‘Passionately, I gathered.’

  A look of relief came into the old egg’s care-worn face. He passed a hand over the forehead and generally relaxed.

  ‘Well, that’s all right, then. Sorry, if I appeared a bit rattled for a moment. When a fellow’s just got engaged to a girl, it’s rather a jar to find that she was engaged to somebody else about two months before.’

  I was astounded.

  ‘Are you engaged? Since when?’

  ‘Since shortly after lunch.’

  ‘But how about Wotwotleigh?’

  ‘Who told you about Wotwotleigh?’

  ‘Jeeves. He said the shadow of Wotwotleigh brooded over you like a cloud.’

  ‘Jeeves talks too much. As a matter of fact, Wotwotleigh didn’t enter into the matter at all. Immediately before I fixed things up with Pauline, old Stoker told me he had decided to buy he house.’

  ‘Really!’

  ‘Absolutely. I think it was the port that did it. I lushed him up on the last of the ’85.’