The Jeeves Omnibus - Vol 1:

by P. G. Wodehouse

  ‘Loving him.’

  ‘Do you love him?’ I asked, surprised. I shouldn’t have thought it could be done.

  ‘I try to,’ said young Bingo, ‘for Her sake. She’s coming back tomorrow, Bertie.’

  ‘So I heard.’

  ‘She is coming, my love, my own –’

  ‘Absolutely,’ I said. ‘But touching on young Oswald once more. Do you have to be with him all day? How do you manage to stick it?’

  ‘Oh, he doesn’t give much trouble. When we aren’t working he sits on that bridge all the time, trying to catch tiddlers.’

  ‘Why don’t you shove him in?’

  ‘Shove him in?’

  ‘It seems to me distinctly the thing to do,’ I said, regarding the stripling’s back with a good deal of dislike. ‘It would wake him up a bit, and make him take an interest in things.’

  Bingo shook his head a bit wistfully.

  ‘Your proposition attracts me,’ he said, ‘but I’m afraid it can’t be done. You see, She would never forgive me. She is devoted to the little brute.’

  ‘Great Scott!’ I cried. ‘I’ve got it!’ I don’t know if you know that feeling when you get an inspiration, and tingle all down your spine from the soft collar as now worn to the very soles of the old Waukeesis? Jeeves, I suppose, feels that way more or less all the time, but it isn’t often it comes to me. But now all Nature seemed to be shouting at me. ‘You’ve clicked!’ and I grabbed young Bingo by the arm in a way that must have made him feel as if a horse had bitten him. His finely-chiselled features were twisted with agony and what not, and he asked me what the dickens I thought I was playing at.

  ‘Bingo,’ I said, ‘what would Jeeves have done?’

  ‘How do you mean, what would Jeeves have done?’

  ‘I mean what would he have advised in a case like yours? I mean you wanting to make a hit with Honoria Glossop and all that. Why, take it from me, he would have shoved you behind that clump of bushes over there; he would have got me to lure Honoria on to the bridge somehow; then, at the proper time, he would have told me to give the kid a pretty hefty jab in the small of the back, so as to shoot him into the water; and then you would have dived in and hauled him out. How about it?’

  ‘You didn’t think that out by yourself, Bertie?’ said young Bingo, in a hushed sort of voice.

  ‘Yes, I did. Jeeves isn’t the only fellow with ideas.’

  ‘But it’s absolutely wonderful.’

  ‘Just a suggestion.’

  ‘The only objection I can see is that it would be so dashed awkward for you. I mean to say, suppose the kid turned round and said you had shoved him in, that would make you frightfully unpopular with Her.’

  ‘I don’t mind risking that.’

  The man was deeply moved.

  ‘Bertie, this is noble.’

  ‘No, no.’

  He clasped my hand silently, then chuckled like the last drop of water going down the waste pipe in a bath.

  ‘Now what?’ I said.

  ‘I was only thinking,’ said young Bingo, ‘how fearfully wet Oswald will get. Oh, happy day!’

  6

  * * *

  The Hero’s Reward

  I DON’T KNOW if you’ve noticed it, but it’s rummy how nothing in this world ever seems to be absolutely perfect. The drawback to this otherwise singularly fruity binge was, of course, the fact that Jeeves wouldn’t be on the spot to watch me in action. Still, apart from that there wasn’t a flaw. The beauty of the thing was, you see, that nothing could possibly go wrong. You know how it is, as a rule, when you want to get Chappie A on Spot B at exactly the same moment when Chappie C is on Spot D. There’s always a chance of a hitch. Take the case of a general, I mean to say, who’s planning out a big movement. He tells one regiment to capture the hill with the windmill on it at the exact moment when another regiment is taking the bridgehead or something down in the valley; and everything gets all messed up. And then, when they’re chatting the thing over in camp that night, the colonel of the first regiment says, ‘Oh, sorry! Did you say the hill with the windmill? I thought you said the one with the flock of sheep?’ And there you are! But in this case, nothing like that could happen, because Oswald and Bingo would be on the spot right along, so that all I had to worry about was getting Honoria there in due season. And I managed that all right, first shot, by asking her if she would come for a stroll in the grounds with me, as I had something particular to say to her.

  She had arrived shortly after lunch in the car with the Braythwayt girl. I was introduced to the latter, a tallish girl with blue eyes and fair hair. I rather took to her – she was so unlike Honoria – and, if I had been able to spare the time, I shouldn’t have minded talking to her for a bit. But business was business – I had fixed it up with Bingo to be behind the bushes at three sharp, so I got hold of Honoria and steered her out through the grounds in the direction of the lake.

  ‘You’re very quiet, Mr Wooster,’ she said.

  Made me jump a bit. I was concentrating pretty tensely at the moment. We had just come in sight of the lake, and I was casting a keen eye over the ground to see that everything was in order. Everything appeared to be as arranged. The kid Oswald was hunched up on the bridge; and, as Bingo wasn’t visible, I took it that he had got into position. My watch made it two minutes after the hour.

  ‘Eh?’ I said. ‘Oh, ah, yes. I was just thinking.’

  ‘You said you had something important to say to me.’

  ‘Absolutely!’ I had decided to open the proceedings by sort of paving the way for young Bingo. I mean to say, without actually mentioning his name, I wanted to prepare the girl’s mind for the fact that, surprising as it might seem, there was someone who had long loved her from afar and all that sort of rot. ‘It’s like this,’ I said. ‘It may sound rummy and all that, but there’s somebody who’s frightfully in love with you and so forth – a friend of mine, you know.’

  ‘Oh, a friend of yours?’

  ‘Yes.’

  She gave a kind of a laugh.

  ‘Well, why doesn’t he tell me so?’

  ‘Well, you see, that’s the sort of chap he is. Kind of shrinking, diffident kind of fellow. Hasn’t got the nerve. Thinks you so much above him, don’t you know. Looks on you as a sort of goddess. Worships the ground you tread on, but can’t whack up the ginger to tell you so.’

  ‘This is very interesting.’

  ‘Yes. He’s not a bad chap, you know, in his way. Rather an ass, perhaps, but well-meaning. Well, that’s the posish. You might just bear it in mind, what?’

  ‘How funny you are!’

  She chucked back her head and laughed with considerable vim. She had a penetrating sort of laugh. Rather like a train going into a tunnel. It didn’t sound over-musical to me, and on the kid Oswald it appeared to jar not a little. He gazed at us with a good deal of dislike.

  ‘I wish the dickens you wouldn’t make that row,’ he said. ‘Scaring all the fish away.’

  It broke the spell a bit. Honoria changed the subject.

  ‘I do wish Oswald wouldn’t sit on the bridge like that,’ she said. ‘I’m sure it isn’t safe. He might easily fall in.’

  ‘I’ll go and tell him,’ I said.

  I suppose the distance between the kid and me at this juncture was about five yards, but I got the impression that it was nearer a hundred. And, as I started to toddle across the intervening space, I had a rummy feeling that I’d done this very thing before. Then I remembered. Years ago, at a country-house party, I had been roped in to play the part of a butler in some amateur theatricals in aid of some ghastly charity or other; and I had had to open the proceedings by walking across the empty stage from left upper entrance and shoving a tray on a table down right. They had impressed it on me at rehearsals that I mustn’t take the course at a quick heel-and-toe, like a chappie finishing strongly in a walking-race; and the result was that I kept the brakes on to such an extent that it seemed to me as if I was never going to get to the b
ally table at all. The stage seemed to stretch out in front of me like a trackless desert, and there was a kind of breathless hush as if all Nature had paused to concentrate its attention on me personally. Well, I felt just like that now. I had a kind of dry gulping in my throat, and the more I walked the farther away the kid seemed to get, till suddenly I found myself standing just behind him without quite knowing how I’d got there.

  ‘Hallo!’ I said, with a sickly sort of grin – wasted on the kid, because he didn’t bother to turn round and look at me. He merely wiggled his left ear in a rather peevish manner. I don’t know when I’ve met anybody in whose life I appeared to mean so little.

  ‘Hallo!’ I said. ‘Fishing?’

  I laid my hand in a sort of elderly-brotherly way on his shoulder.

  ‘Here, look out!’ said the kid, wobbling on his foundations.

  It was one of those things that want doing quickly or not at all. I shut my eyes and pushed. Something seemed to give. There was a scrambling sound, a kind of yelp, a scream in the offing, and a splash. And so the long day wore on, so to speak.

  I opened my eyes. The kid was just coming to the surface.

  ‘Help!’ I shouted, cocking an eye on the bush from which young Bingo was scheduled to emerge.

  Nothing happened. Young Bingo didn’t emerge to the slightest extent whatever.

  ‘I say! Help!’ I shouted again.

  I don’t want to bore you with reminiscences of my theatrical career, but I must just touch once more on that appearance of mine as the butler. The scheme on that occasion had been that when I put the tray on the table the heroine would come on and say a few words to get me off. Well, on the night the misguided female forgot to stand by, and it was a full minute before the search-party located her and shot her on to the stage. And all that time I had to stand there, waiting. A rotten sensation, believe me, and this was just the same, only worse. I understood what these writer-chappies mean when they talk about time standing still.

  Meanwhile, the kid Oswald was presumably being cut off in his prime, and it began to seem to me that some sort of steps ought to be taken about it. What I had seen of the lad hadn’t particularly endeared him to me, but it was undoubtedly a bit thick to let him pass away. I don’t know when I have seen anything more grubby and unpleasant than the lake as viewed from the bridge; but the thing apparently had to be done. I chucked off my coat and vaulted over.

  It seems rummy that water should be so much wetter when you go into it with your clothes on than when you’re just bathing, but take it from me that it is. I was only under about three seconds, I suppose, but I came up feeling like the bodies you read of in the paper which ‘had evidently been in the water several days’. I felt clammy and bloated.

  At this point the scenario struck another snag. I had assumed that directly I came to the surface I should get hold of the kid and steer him courageously to shore. But he hadn’t waited to be steered. When I had finished getting the water out of my eyes and had time to look round, I saw him about ten yards away, going strongly and using, I think, the Australian crawl. The spectacle took all the heart out of me. I mean to say, the whole essence of a rescue, if you know what I mean, is that the party of the second part shall keep fairly still and on one spot. If he starts swimming off on his own account and can obviously give you at least forty yards in the hundred, where are you? The whole thing falls through. It didn’t seem to me that there was much to be done except get ashore, so I got ashore. By the time I had landed, the kid was half-way to the house. Look at it from whatever angle you like, the thing was a wash-out.

  I was interrupted in my meditations by a noise like the Scotch express going under a bridge. It was Honoria Glossop laughing. She was standing at my elbow, looking at me in a rummy manner.

  ‘Oh, Bertie, you are funny!’ she said. And even in that moment there seemed to me something sinister in the words. She had never called me anything except ‘Mr Wooster’ before. ‘How wet you are!’

  ‘Yes, I am wet.’

  ‘You had better hurry into the house and change.’

  ‘Yes.’

  I wrung a gallon or two of water out of my clothes.

  ‘You are funny!’ she said again. ‘First proposing in that extraordinary roundabout way, and then pushing poor little Oswald into the lake so as to impress me by saving him.’

  I managed to get the water out of my throat sufficiently to try to correct this fearful impression.

  ‘No, no!’

  ‘He said you pushed him in, and I saw you do it. Oh, I’m not angry, Bertie. I think it was too sweet of you. But I’m quite sure it’s time that I took you in hand. You certainly want someone to look after you. You’ve been seeing too many moving-pictures. I suppose the next thing you would have done would have been to set the house on fire so as to rescue me.’ She looked at me in a proprietary sort of way. ‘I think,’ she said, ‘I shall be able to make something of you, Bertie. It is true yours has been a wasted life up to the present, but you are still young, and there is a lot of good in you.’

  ‘No, really there isn’t.’

  ‘Oh, yes, there is. It simply wants bringing out. Now you run straight up to the house and change your wet clothes, or you will catch cold.’

  And, if you know what I mean, there was a sort of motherly note in her voice which seemed to tell me, even more than her actual words, that I was for it.

  As I was coming downstairs after changing, I ran into young Bingo, looking festive to a degree.

  ‘Bertie!’ he said. ‘Just the man I wanted to see. Bertie, a wonderful thing has happened.’

  ‘You blighter!’ I cried. ‘What became of you? Do you know –’

  ‘Oh, you mean about being in those bushes? I hadn’t time to tell you about that. It’s all off.’

  ‘All off?’

  ‘Bertie, I was actually starting to hide in those bushes when the most extraordinary thing happened. Walking across the lawn I saw the most radiant, the most beautiful girl in the world. There is none like her, none. Bertie, do you believe in love at first sight? You do believe in love at first sight, don’t you, Bertie, old man? Directly I saw her she seemed to draw me like a magnet. I seemed to forget everything. We two were alone in a world of music and sunshine. I joined her. I got into conversation. She is a Miss Braythwayt, Bertie – Daphne Braythwayt. Directly our eyes met, I realized that what I had imagined to be love for Honoria Glossop had been a mere passing whim. Bertie, you do believe in love at first sight, don’t you? She is so wonderful, so sympathetic. Like a tender goddess –’

  At this point I left the blighter.

  Two days later I got a letter from Jeeves.

  ‘– The weather,’ it ended, ‘continues fine. I have had one exceedingly enjoyable bathe.’

  I gave one of those hollow, mirthless laughs, and went downstairs to join Honoria. I had an appointment with her in the drawing-room. She was going to read Ruskin to me.

  7

  * * *

  Introducing Claude and Eustace

  THE BLOW FELL precisely at one-forty-five (summer time). Spenser, Aunt Agatha’s butler, was offering me the fried potatoes at the moment, and such was my emotion that I lofted six of them on to the sideboard with the spoon. Shaken to the core, if you know what I mean.

  Mark you, I was in a pretty enfeebled condition already. I had been engaged to Honoria Glossop nearly two weeks, and during all that time not a day had passed without her putting in some heavy work in the direction of what Aunt Agatha had called ‘moulding’ me. I had read solid literature till my eyes bubbled; we had legged it together through miles of picture-galleries; and I had been compelled to undergo classical concerts to an extent you would hardly believe. All in all, therefore, I was in no fit state to receive shocks, especially shocks like this. Honoria had lugged me round to lunch at Aunt Agatha’s, and I had just been saying to myself, ‘Death, where is thy jolly old sting?’ when she hove the bomb.

  ‘Bertie,’ she said, suddenly, as if she had
just remembered it, ‘what is the name of that man of yours – your valet?’

  ‘Eh? Oh, Jeeves.’

  ‘I think he’s a bad influence for you,’ said Honoria. ‘When we are married, you must get rid of Jeeves.’

  It was at this point that I jerked the spoon and sent six of the best and crispest sailing on to the sideboard, with Spenser gambolling after them like a dignified old retriever.

  ‘Get rid of Jeeves!’ I gasped.

  ‘Yes. I don’t like him.’

  ‘I don’t like him,’ said Aunt Agatha.

  ‘But I can’t. I mean – why, I couldn’t carry on for a day without Jeeves.’

  ‘You will have to,’ said Honoria. ‘I don’t like him at all.’

  ‘I don’t like him at all,’ said Aunt Agatha. ‘I never did.’

  Ghastly, what? I’d always had an idea that marriage was a bit of a wash-out, but I’d never dreamed that it demanded such frightful sacrifices from a fellow. I passed the rest of the meal in a sort of stupor.

  The scheme had been, if I remember, that after lunch I should go off and caddy for Honoria on a shopping tour down Regent Street; but when she got up and started collecting me and the rest of her things, Aunt Agatha stopped her.

  ‘You run along, dear,’ she said. ‘I want to say a few words to Bertie.’

  So Honoria legged it, and Aunt Agatha drew up her chair and started in.

  ‘Bertie,’ she said, ‘dear Honoria does not know it, but a little difficulty has arisen about your marriage.’

  ‘By Jove! Not really?’ I said, hope starting to dawn.

  ‘Oh, it’s nothing at all, of course. It is only a little exasperating. The fact is, Sir Roderick is being rather troublesome.’

  ‘Thinks I’m not a good bet? Wants to scratch the fixture? Well, perhaps he’s right.’

  ‘Pray do not be so absurd, Bertie. It is nothing so serious as that. But the nature of Sir Roderick’s profession unfortunately makes him – over-cautious.’