The Jeeves Omnibus - Vol 1:

by P. G. Wodehouse

  ‘Bertie?’

  ‘Here I am.’

  ‘Deuce of a time you’ve been. Bertie, we’re sunk. The favourite’s blown up.’

  ‘No!’

  ‘Yes. Coughing in his stable all last night.’

  ‘What!’

  ‘Absolutely! Hay-fever.’

  ‘Oh, my sainted aunt!’

  ‘The doctor is with him now, and it’s only a question of minutes before he’s officially scratched. That means the curate will show up at the post instead, and he’s no good at all. He is being offered at a hundred-to-six, but no takers. What shall we do?’

  I had to grapple with the thing for a moment in silence.

  ‘Eustace.’

  ‘Hallo?’

  ‘What can you get on G. Hayward?’

  ‘Only four to one now. I think there’s been a leak, and Steggles has heard something. The odds shortened late last night in a significant manner.’

  ‘Well, four to one will clear us. Put another fiver all round on G. Hayward for the syndicate. That’ll bring us out on the right side of the ledger.’

  ‘If he wins.’

  ‘What do you mean? I thought you considered him a cert, bar Heppenstall.’

  ‘I’m beginning to wonder,’ said Eustace gloomily, ‘if there’s such a thing as a cert, in this world. I’m told the Rev. Joseph Tucker did an extraordinarily fine trial gallop at a mothers’ meeting over at Badgwick yesterday. However, it seems our only chance. So-long.’

  Not being one of the official stewards, I had my choice of churches next morning, and naturally I didn’t hesitate. The only drawback to going to Lower Bingley was that it was ten miles away, which meant an early start, but I borrowed a bicycle from one of the grooms and tooled off. I had only Eustace’s word for it that G. Hayward was such a stayer, and it might have been that he had showed too flattering form at that wedding where the twins had heard him preach; but any misgivings I may have had disappeared the moment he got into the pulpit. Eustace had been right. The man was a trier. He was a tall, rangy-looking greybeard, and he went off from the start with a nice, easy action, pausing and clearing his throat at the end of each sentence, and it wasn’t five minutes before I realized that here was the winner. His habit of stopping dead and looking round the church at intervals was worth minutes to us, and in the home stretch we gained no little advantage owing to his dropping his pince-nez and having to grope for them. At the twenty-minute mark he had merely settled down. Twenty-five minutes saw him going strong. And when he finally finished with a good burst, the clock showed thirty-five minutes fourteen seconds. With the handicap which he had been given, this seemed to me to make the event easy for him, and it was with much bonhomie and goodwill to all men that I hopped on to the old bike and started back to the Hall for lunch.

  Bingo was talking on the phone when I arrived.

  ‘Fine! Splendid! Topping!’ he was saying. ‘Eh? Oh, we needn’t worry about him. Right-o, I’ll tell Bertie.’ He hung up the receiver and caught sight of me. ‘Oh, hallo, Bertie; I was just talking to Eustace. It’s all right, old man. The report from Lower Bingley has just got in. G. Hayward romps home.’

  ‘I knew he would. I’ve just come from there.’

  ‘Oh, were you there? I went to Badgwick. Tucker ran a splendid race, but the handicap was too much for him. Starkie had a sore throat and was nowhere. Roberts, of Fale-by-the-Water, ran third. Good old G. Hayward!’ said Bingo affectionately, and we strolled out on to the terrace.

  ‘Are all the returns in, then?’ I asked.

  ‘All except Gandle-by-the-Hill. But we needn’t worry about Bates. He never had a chance. By the way, poor old Jeeves loses his tenner. Silly ass!’

  ‘Jeeves? How do you mean?’

  ‘He came to me this morning, just after you had left, and asked me to put a tenner on Bates for him. I told him he was a chump, and begged him not to throw his money away, but he would do it.’

  ‘I beg your pardon, sir. This note arrived for you just after you had left the house this morning.’

  Jeeves had materialized from nowhere, and was standing at my elbow.

  ‘Eh? What? Note?’

  ‘The Reverend Mr Heppenstall’s butler brought it over from the Vicarage, sir. It came too late to be delivered to you at the moment.’

  Young Bingo was talking to Jeeves like a father on the subject of betting against the form-book. The yell I gave made him bite his tongue in the middle of a sentence.

  ‘What the dickens is the matter?’ he asked, not a little peeved.

  ‘We’re dished! Listen to this!’

  I read him the note:

  The Vicarage,

  Twing, Glos.

  My Dear Wooster,

  As you may have heard, circumstances over which I have no control will prevent my preaching the sermon on Brotherly Love for which you made such a flattering request. I am unwilling, however, that you shall be disappointed, so, if you will attend divine service at Gandle-by-the-Hill this morning, you will hear my sermon preached by young Bates, my nephew. I have lent him the manuscript at his urgent desire, for, between ourselves, there are wheels within wheels. My nephew is one of the candidates for the headmastership of a well-known public school, and the choice has narrowed down between him and one rival.

  Late yesterday evening James received private information that the head of the Board of Governors of the school proposed to sit under him this Sunday in order to judge of the merits of his preaching, a most important item in swaying the Board’s choice. I acceded to his plea that I lend him my sermon on Brotherly Love, of which, like you, he apparently retains a vivid recollection. It would have been too late for him to compose a sermon of suitable length in place of this brief address which – mistakenly, in my opinion – he had designed to deliver to his rustic flock, and I wished to help the boy.

  Trusting that his preaching of the sermon will supply you with as pleasant memories as you say you have of mine, I remain,

  Cordially yours,

  F. HEPPENSTALL.

  PS – The hay-fever has rendered my eyes unpleasantly weak for the time being, so I am dictating this letter to my butler, Brookfield, who will convey it to you.

  I don’t know when I’ve experienced a more massive silence than the one that followed my reading of this cheery epistle. Young Bingo gulped once or twice, and practically every known emotion came and went on his face. Jeeves coughed one soft, low, gentle cough like a sheep with a blade of grass stuck in its throat, and then stood gazing serenely at the landscape. Finally young Bingo spoke.

  ‘Great Scott!’ he whispered hoarsely. ‘An SP job!’

  ‘I believe that is the technical term, sir,’ said Jeeves.

  ‘So you had inside information, dash it!’ said young Bingo.

  ‘Why, yes, sir,’ said Jeeves. ‘Brookfield happened to mention the contents of the note to me when he brought it. We are old friends.’

  Bingo registered grief, anguish, rage, despair and resentment.

  ‘Well, all I can say,’ he cried, ‘is that it’s a bit thick! Preaching another man’s sermon! Do you call that honest? Do you call that playing the game?’

  ‘Well, my dear old thing,’ I said, ‘be fair. It’s quite within the rules. Clergymen do it all the time. They aren’t expected always to make up the sermons they preach.’

  Jeeves coughed again, and fixed me with an expressionless eye.

  ‘And in the present case, sir, if I may be permitted to take the liberty of making the observation, I think we should make allowances. We should remember that the securing of this headmastership meant everything to the young couple.’

  ‘Young couple? What young couple?’

  ‘The Reverend James Bates, sir, and Lady Cynthia. I am informed by her ladyship’s maid that they have been engaged to be married for some weeks – provisionally, so to speak; and his lordship made his consent conditional on Mr Bates securing a really important and remunerative position.’

  Young Bingo tur
ned a light green.

  ‘Engaged to be married!’

  ‘Yes, sir.’

  There was a silence.

  ‘I think I’ll go for a walk,’ said Bingo.

  ‘But, my dear old thing,’ I said, ‘it’s just lunch-time. The gong will be going any minute now.’

  ‘I don’t want any lunch!’ said Bingo.

  14

  * * *

  The Purity of the Turf

  AFTER THAT, LIFE at Twing jogged along pretty peacefully for a bit. Twing is one of those places where there isn’t a frightful lot to do nor any very hectic excitement to look forward to. In fact, the only event of any importance on the horizon, as far as I could ascertain, was the annual village school-treat. One simply filled in the time by loafing about the grounds, playing a bit of tennis, and avoiding young Bingo as far as was humanly possible.

  This last was a very necessary move if you wanted a happy life, for the Cynthia affair had jarred the unfortunate mutt to such an extent that he was always waylaying one and decanting his anguished soul. And when, one morning, he blew into my bedroom while I was toying with a bit of breakfast, I decided to take a firm line from the start. I could stand having him moaning all over me after dinner, and even after lunch; but at breakfast, no. We Woosters are amiability itself, but there is a limit.

  ‘Now look here, old friend,’ I said. ‘I know your bally heart is broken and all that, and at some future time I shall be delighted to hear all about it, but –’

  ‘I didn’t come to talk about that.’

  ‘No? Good egg!’

  ‘The past,’ said young Bingo, ‘is dead. Let us say no more about it.’

  ‘Right-o!’

  ‘I have been wounded to the very depths of my soul, but don’t speak about it.’

  ‘I won’t.’

  ‘Ignore it. Forget it.’

  ‘Absolutely!’

  I hadn’t seen him so dashed reasonable for days.

  ‘What I came to see you about this morning, Bertie,’ he said, fishing a sheet of paper out of his pocket, ‘was to ask if you would care to come in on another little flutter.’

  If there is one thing we Woosters are simply dripping with, it is sporting blood. I bolted the rest of my sausage, and sat up and took notice.

  ‘Proceed,’ I said. ‘You interest me strangely, old bird.’

  Bingo laid the paper on the bed.

  ‘On Monday week,’ he said, ‘you may or may not know, the annual village school-treat takes place. Lord Wickhammersley lends the Hall grounds for the purpose. There will be games and a conjurer, and coco-nut shies, and tea in a tent. And also sports.’

  ‘I know. Cynthia was telling me.’

  Young Bingo winced.

  ‘Would you mind not mentioning that name? I am not made of marble.’

  ‘Sorry!’

  ‘Well, as I was saying, this jamboree is slated for Monday week. The question is, Are we on?’

  ‘How do you mean, “Are we on?”?’

  ‘I am referring to the sports. Steggles did so well out of the Sermon Handicap that he has decided to make a book on these sports. Punters can be accommodated at ante-post odds or starting price, according to their preference. I think we ought to look into it,’ said young Bingo.

  I pressed the bell.

  ‘I’ll consult Jeeves. I don’t touch any sporting proposition without his advice. Jeeves,’ I said, as he drifted in, ‘rally round.’

  ‘Sir?’

  ‘Stand by. We want your advice.’

  ‘Very good, sir.’

  ‘State your case, Bingo.’

  Bingo stated his case.

  ‘What about it, Jeeves?’ I said. ‘Do we go in?’

  Jeeves pondered to some extent.

  ‘I am inclined to favour the idea, sir.’

  That was good enough for me. ‘Right,’ I said. ‘Then we will form a syndicate and bust the Ring. I supply the money, you supply the brains, and Bingo – what do you supply, Bingo?’

  ‘If you will carry me, and let me settle up later,’ said young Bingo, ‘I think I can put you in the way of winning a parcel on the Mothers’ Sack Race.’

  ‘All right. We will put you down as Inside Information. Now what are the events?’

  Bingo reached for his paper and consulted it.

  ‘Girls’ Under Fourteen Fifty-Yard Dash seems to open the proceedings.’

  ‘Anything to say about that, Jeeves?’

  ‘No, sir. I have no information.’

  ‘What’s the next?’

  ‘Boys’ and Girls’ Mixed Animal Potato Race, All Ages.’

  This was a new one to me. I had never heard of it at any of the big meetings.

  ‘What’s that?’

  ‘Rather sporting,’ said young Bingo. ‘The competitors enter in couples, each couple being assigned an animal cry and a potato. For instance, let’s suppose that you and Jeeves entered. Jeeves would stand at a fixed point holding a potato. You would have your head in a sack, and you would grope about trying to find Jeeves and making a noise like a cat; Jeeves also making a noise like a cat. Other competitors would be making noises like cows and pigs and dogs, and so on, and groping about for their potato-holders, who would also be making noises like cows and pigs and dogs and so on –’

  I stopped the poor fish.

  ‘Jolly if you’re fond of animals,’ I said, ‘but on the whole –’

  ‘Precisely, sir,’ said Jeeves. ‘I wouldn’t touch it.’

  ‘Too open, what?’

  ‘Exactly, sir. Very hard to estimate form.’

  ‘Carry on, Bingo. Where do we go from there?’

  ‘Mothers’ Sack Race.’

  ‘Ah! That’s better. This is where you know something.’

  ‘A gift for Mrs Penworthy, the tobacconist’s wife,’ said Bingo confidently. ‘I was in at her shop yesterday, buying cigarettes, and she told me she had won three times at fairs in Worcestershire. She only moved to these parts a short time ago, so nobody knows about her. She promised me she would keep herself dark, and I think we could get a good price.’

  ‘Risk a tenner each way, Jeeves, what?’

  ‘I think so, sir.’

  ‘Girls’ Open Egg and Spoon Race,’ read Bingo.

  ‘How about that?’

  ‘I doubt if it would be worthwhile to invest, sir,’ said Jeeves. ‘I am told it is a certainty for last year’s winner, Sarah Mills, who will doubtless start an odds-on favourite.’

  ‘Good, is she?’

  ‘They tell me in the village that she carries a beautiful egg, sir.’

  ‘Then there’s the Obstacle Race,’ said Bingo. ‘Risky, in my opinion. Like betting on the Grand National. Fathers’ Hat-Trimming Contest – another speculative event. That’s all except for the Choir-Boys’ Hundred Yards Handicap, for a pewter mug presented by the vicar – open to all whose voices have not broken before the second Sunday in Epiphany. Willie Chambers won last year, in a canter, receiving fifteen yards. This time he will probably be handicapped out of the race. I don’t know what to advise.’

  ‘If I might make a suggestion, sir.’

  I eyed Jeeves with interest. I don’t know that I’d ever seen him look so nearly excited.

  ‘You’ve got something up your sleeve?’

  ‘I have, sir.’

  ‘Red-hot?’

  ‘That precisely describes it, sir. I think I may confidently assert that we have the winner of the Choir-Boys’ Handicap under this very roof, sir. Harold, the page-boy.’

  ‘Page-boy? Do you mean the tubby little chap in buttons one sees bobbing about here and there? Why, dash it, Jeeves, nobody has a greater respect for your knowledge of form than I have, but I’m hanged if I can see Harold catching the judge’s eye. He’s practically circular, and every time I’ve seen him he’s been leaning up against something, half asleep.’

  ‘He receives thirty yards, sir, and could win from scratch. The boy is a flier.’

  ‘How do you know?’
/>   Jeeves coughed, and there was a dreamy look in his eye.

  ‘I was as much astonished as yourself, sir, when I first became aware of the lad’s capabilities. I happened to pursue him one morning with the intention of fetching him a clip on the side of the head –’

  ‘Great Scott, Jeeves! You?’

  ‘Yes, sir. The boy is of an outspoken disposition, and had made an opprobrious remark respecting my personal appearance.’

  ‘What did he say about your appearance?’

  ‘I have forgotten, sir,’ said Jeeves, with a touch of austerity. ‘But it was opprobrious. I endeavoured to correct him, but he outdistanced me by yards and made good his escape.’

  ‘But, I say, Jeeves, this is sensational. And yet – if he’s such a sprinter, why hasn’t anybody in the village found it out? Surely he plays with the other boys?’

  ‘No, sir. As his lordship’s page-boy, Harold does not mix with the village lads.’

  ‘Bit of a snob, what?’

  ‘He is somewhat acutely alive to the existence of class distinctions, sir.’

  ‘You’re absolutely certain he’s such a wonder?’ said Bingo. ‘I mean, it wouldn’t do to plunge unless you’re sure.’

  ‘If you desire to ascertain the boy’s form by personal inspection, sir, it will be a simple matter to arrange a secret trial.’

  ‘I’m bound to say I should feel easier in my mind,’ I said.

  ‘Then if I may take a shilling from the money on your dressing-table –’

  ‘What for?’

  ‘I propose to bribe the lad to speak slightingly of the second footman’s quint, sir. Charles is somewhat sensitive on the point, and should undoubtedly make the lad extend himself. If you will be at the first-floor passage-window, overlooking the back door, in half an hour’s time –’

  I don’t know when I’ve dressed in such a hurry. As a rule, I’m what you might call a slow and careful dresser: I like to linger over the tie and see that the trousers are just so; but this morning I was all worked up. I just shoved on my things anyhow, and joined Bingo at the window with a quarter of an hour to spare.