Acting Up

by A. A. Albright

  ‘I doubt we’ll have much luck getting fingerprints off the note,’ said Finn. ‘Not underneath all that jam. We’ll have to hope Paul can find out who or what this blur was.’

  ≈

  While we followed the note’s instructions, a familiar familiar appeared, rubbing up against my legs and meowing worriedly.

  ‘Fred,’ I said, bending down to Will’s familiar, a huge marmalade cat, and stroking his head. ‘It’s nice to see you again.’

  ‘Is Will coming home soon?’ he asked, jumping into my arms.

  ‘It all depends on this search, Fred,’ I said honestly, watching as the Wayfarers reached the latest in the note’s many steps – pulling aside the false bookcase. ‘At the moment he’s not under arrest. But he’ll be allowed to speak with you, either way.’

  Fred looked worriedly into my eyes. ‘You’re going to find it, Wanda. Right after they pull this next false wall aside and turn the candleholder to a forty-five degree angle. But I have to tell you something before you do. I saw something. Or someone. I’m not quite sure but … I think it might have been whoever left the Wayfarers that tip-off.’

  Finn looked back at me, a triumphant look on his face. He had just pulled the candle-holder, and there was a black metal safe on the wall beyond. ‘The note says the code is 0617,’ said Finn, turning the dial to the numbers. ‘Let’s hope it works.’

  The door sprang open, and we found ourselves looking at a safe filled with many things. There was jewellery, papers, money, and – most importantly – a teardrop-shaped bottle of what was almost certainly Blue.

  Fred winced in my arms. ‘Someone is out to frame Will,’ he said. ‘Like I was saying, I’ve seen someone in the house over the last few days. Well … I’ve seen a blur, I should say. But early this morning while I was chasing some butterflies outside, I think I saw something more definitive about this blur. I definitely think it was a person wearing something like … a mask of sorts. Black on one side, white on the other.’

  ≈

  ‘Todge and the cat both saw a blurry figure,’ I said, once we were back at the office. ‘That has to mean something.’

  Finn frowned, holding a cold bottle of cola against his forehead. ‘Not necessarily. The cat could have overheard what Todge told us.’

  ‘But then why add the mask? Todge didn’t see a black and white mask.’

  ‘To make it seem more truthful,’ suggested Finn. ‘Look, I don’t know, Wanda. All I know is that it’s Saturday, it’s half past ten at night, and I’m completely knackered.’ He glanced over at Paul. ‘Any luck finding anything on the cameras?’

  Paul looked frazzled. ‘Kind of. I’ve caught something when I slow the video down enough, but definitely no black and white mask. I think I’ve managed to catch some blurry movement on the camera outside Mandy’s dressing room, too. No magical signatures we can narrow down in any of the locations, though. But I might know someone who could help. You know my mate Greg? He actually did the security system for the studio, so he’ll know the ins and outs of that, and he has some pretty special tech that might help us pick up more at the murder scene.’

  Finn’s eyes brightened. ‘Greg? That wizard from Riddler’s Edge who you play computer games with? Gretel’s met him a few times when she’s worked over there and she says he’s amazing. She also says that he’s sworn he will never share his tech with us.’

  Paul grinned. ‘He’s softening a little bit. When those chaos coin wishes brought the Peacemakers back a little while ago, he decided that the Wayfarers might not be so bad after all. I’ll give him a bell.’

  ‘You do that,’ said Finn. He turned back to me. ‘And in the meantime … I’m going to let Will go.’

  ‘Really?’

  ‘Really. Your gut might not want to come to any conclusions on this one, but mine has no problem. I’ll caution him not to leave the country and all of that. And honestly? I don’t really have enough to hold him. Nothing that his lawyer isn’t working hard to get around, anyway. We’ll interview the people we missed from the cast and crew tomorrow. Do a more thorough search of the studio, too. And Paul will be working hard with that Greg guy, so it might be a brighter day all around. Hey, do you want to grab a drink together before we head home to bed?’

  A drink sounded good, but right now sleep sounded far, far better, ‘I think I’ll pass,’ I said, giving him a small hug before I headed out the door.

  7. What Should a Squirrel be Called?

  By the time I arrived home, Dizzy had gone out for the night. He’d left me a note, though (Haven’t I already established that the bat can write? Oh well, he can. And there’s nothing unusual about that, whatsoever). The note told me, in his delightfully scrawly script:

  The back garden is just as stupid and impractical as when you left this morning. Oh, and Wolfie almost ate one of those Coy fish by accident. I had to do mouth-to-mouth and when the stupid fish came back around, it giggled at me and told me I was its hero.

  That, I decided, was a problem that was going to have to wait until tomorrow. I pulled off my uniform, crawled under the covers, and went to sleep.

  ≈

  The next morning I woke up before Max and made my way out to the back garden, to get the clippers and the lawnmower from the shed. Since Equal Rights for Others had been passed into law, the maintenance minutes we had to pay to live in Westerly Crescent had gone down a little, and other enclaves had to work a few extra shifts to even things out. But just because we had to do less work in return for our rent didn’t mean we had to do no work at all.

  I made it all the way to the end of the garden path before I slapped my hand to my head and said, ‘Duh! No shed. And no shed means no tools, Wanda.’

  I was still muttering in annoyance to myself, and kicking one of the new garden ornaments around, when Melissa appeared next to me.

  ‘Oh,’ she said. ‘No shed. What the heck happened to it?’

  I was so happy to see her that, before answering, I enveloped her in an enormous hug. When I finally let her go I said, ‘Emily happened. And seeing as it’s time to do our maintenance minutes, I’m not sure how we’re going to manage. That wizard mower Paul made for us was in the shed. So was our old push mower, but obviously I’m not as heartbroken about that.’

  Melissa slumped down into an elegant bench, then stood up and said, ‘Wait a minute – this isn’t one of our ugly plastic chairs! Oh yeah – Emily happened. Well, you’re right about needing tools. You and me are on grass-cutting duty this morning. Ooh!’ Her eyes brightened. ‘Max is on window-cleaning this week. Maybe we could swap with him before he cops on that the lawnmower is gone. It’d serve him right, seeing as his girlfriend’s the one who went and made our garden all … all … fancy.’

  ‘Or – and I’m just throwing it out there – we could call Emily and ask her where she relocated all our old stuff to?’

  Melissa shook her head. ‘You can if you want. I’m not sure I can face her right now. I’m a little annoyed with her, to be honest.’

  ‘Why?’ I took a seat on the elegant bench. It was irritatingly comfortable. ‘I mean, besides the fact that she made our tacky but delightful garden look more grown up.’

  ‘Because when I was in Mack’s last night, Jasper came over for dinner. And he spent half the time either talking to her on the phone or texting her. Does Max know they spend so much time yapping and giggling together?’

  My face fell. ‘Are you sure it was Emily he was chatting with?’

  ‘Positive. Who else does he call Dollface? That’s his Emily-specific nick name.’ She shivered, even though the morning was already warm. ‘And you know what else? For weeks now I haven’t seen him with any of his usual girlfriends. All he talks about is Dollface this and Dollface that. This is making me really uncomfortable, Wanda. I’d rather not tell Max about it until I’m sure there’s actually something going on.’

  I glanced up at Max’s bedroom window. In the good weather, he always slept with it open. I just hoped he was deep
in dreams.

  ‘Let’s forget that for now. I have a big day at work and I have to get my maintenance minutes in before I go so … how about we magic the gardening stuff from Wayfarers’ Rest?’

  Melissa grinned. ‘Good idea. Your dad is trialling brooms with lawnmower attachments at the moment.’

  ≈

  I loved being up early during the heatwave. For one thing, it was the only time when my clothes weren’t trying to become one with my sweaty body. For another, there was hardly anyone else about. Luna Park was tranquil that morning. Or at least it was, until Melissa and I started cutting the grass. The lawnmower section was attached to our brooms by invisible means, and we had to hover about two feet above the grass at all times for it to work. It took some trial and error to get it right. And of course, once we did master it, the only logical thing to do was have a race.

  Wolfie and Princess had decided to join us, and the dog and the cat streaked along behind us while we whizzed around the west side of the park. In most areas of Dublin there were water shortages, and the grass in the human gardens around the city was brown and bare. But Berry Materialization had built the developments surrounding Luna Park, and each house, as well as the park, was well equipped with sprinklers.

  Those sprinklers decided to turn on somewhere around the time Melissa fell off her mower-broom. And because she’s the loveliest coven-sister a witch could wish for, she sent a spell my way that sent me flying onto the soaking wet grass next to her.

  I should have been angry with her, but I was too busy enjoying the cool sprays of water. We sat there for a few seconds, giggling and catching our breath and talking about spells to get grass stains out when Melissa looked around, her face puzzled. ‘Hey, where are Wolfie and Princess?’

  I gazed around the park, but couldn’t see them. We both stood up, and I had extended my hand to do a search spell when I heard barking, hissing and … manic giggling?

  Melissa and I sprinted towards a grove of trees a small distance away, following the noise.

  When we got there, Wolfie was standing in the one spot, barking one minute and saying ‘Ow!’ the next, as a volley of nuts hit him.

  Princess was up in a tree, her back arched as she stared down the animal who was throwing the nuts. Aw! It was nice to see her standing up for Wolfie instead of stealing his toys and torturing him.

  The common enemy that had united them was a red squirrel, with the fluffiest tail I’d ever seen.

  The squirrel was standing on what looked like the remains of a kids’ treehouse, guarding an almighty tower of nuts. It stopped chucking them at Wolfie, only to hurl them at Princess instead.

  ‘I shall not cease in this assault! Never!’ the squirrel bellowed in a surprisingly deep voice. ‘Not until you cads and bounders admit the truth. You were trying to steal my nuts.’

  Wolfie whined, looking plaintively at the squirrel. ‘But I didn’t think it was stealing. And I like nuts. We could share.’

  ‘Yeah,’ said Princess. ‘The dog likes nuts. You should share.’

  The squirrel picked up what looked like … a coconut? ‘See how you like this nut, you foul, thieving cur! Thou art a brigand, I say! A brigand!’

  ‘Hey!’ I stepped forward, freezing the coconut mid-air. ‘Didn’t anybody ever tell you it was a bad idea to go throwing your nuts around the place!’

  ‘I don’t know what a brigand is, Wanda.’ The dog huddled behind my legs, quivering. ‘But I’m not a thief. That mean squirrel wasn’t here when we found the nuts. There was even a sign saying we could take them.’

  Princess nudged a neatly written chalkboard down onto the ground. Melissa picked it up and read it aloud:

  Nuts for the taking!!! These nuts represent my life’s work. But now, alack, I am heading to the night-time of my life. Whosoever may find these nuts after I pass, I bid you a joyful goodbye, and only ask that, when you eat them, think of me.

  I looked up at the squirrel. ‘You don’t seem like you’re dying.’

  He sat on the edge of the treehouse, his little legs dangling. ‘Alas, you are correct, yon buxom wench. When I realised that my time was not yet nigh, and I hadn’t gone off to join my witch in the afterlife, I decided it might be wise to hold onto my nuts for a little while more. So I came back to get them before I set out on my fateful journey to the Wayfarer’s abode. But when I got back, these fiends were already trying to get them down from the tree.’

  Ah. He was looking for the Wayfarer. Not a Wayfarer, but the Wayfarer.

  ‘Well, I’m Wanda Wayfair, so it’s probably me you were on your way to see,’ I said. ‘I don’t suppose you’re Felix’s familiar?’

  He brought his paw to his head in a dramatic fashion. ‘Alas, poor Felix, I knew him well.’ He paused for a hollow laugh. ‘And such is the sort of misquote that would have he and I tittering in the aisles. Yes, buxom wench, Felix Kline was my witch.’ He stood up, jumped down onto the ground, and extended his paw for a shake. ‘Kitty Kline. I’m here to help you find Felix’s murderer.’

  I bent down and shook his paw.

  ‘Kitty is an unusual name for a squirrel,’ Melissa commented. ‘Oh, and I’m Melissa – I’m a member of Wanda’s coven. Her housemate, too.’

  Felix turned a blazing stare on Melissa. ‘And what, pray tell, should a squirrel be called?’

  Melissa shrugged. ‘I dunno. Sid?’

  ‘Or Cyril,’ said Princess, jumping into Melissa’s arms.

  ‘I like squirrels’ bushy tails,’ said Wolfie, making his usual important addition to the conversation.

  ‘I shall enlighten you all, seeing as you so dearly want to know. My name came about because Felix and I share a common talent. A talent for changing our outward appearance through the use of glamour spells.’

  I gasped. I’d known of familiars with incredible talents, but that took the biscuit. It took the crumbs, too.

  ‘I see you are suitably impressed. As you should be. When Felix and I first met, his parents were none too happy that his familiar was a squirrel, and so I disguised myself as a cat. A female cat, no less. Hence he called me Kitty. I rather like it. Kitty Kline – sounds rather wonderful don’t you think? Felix Kline had a ring to it, too. We made quite the pair on the theatre scene.’ He pronounced the A in theatre with a little more emphasis than necessary. ‘You should have seen him play the role of Nigel the Necromancer in Skeleton Skies. Oh! He brought tears to my eyes!’

  ‘Skeleton Skies.’ Melissa sounded impressed. ‘That’s one of those proper posh plays. Oh! Felix is that Felix. Was that Felix.’ She turned to me. ‘He was a rising star on the theatre scene. Got all the best parts. And then he just … disappeared.’

  Kitty gritted his long, sharp teeth. ‘He did not disappear. He made the mistake of performing a party trick in front of the wickedest witch in all the world. When Mandy Parker saw how well Felix could glamour, she insisted that he be her body double. The producers paid him more money than he could refuse. He agreed to do one season, stating that he would only stay on until Mandy learned to do her own stunts.’ He began to shake with rage. ‘But she never intended to learn. That foul harridan! She was a harridan supreme, I say!’

  Yip, that sounded like the Mandy I knew. And I was pretty darned sure that most of the staff on Be My Witch shared the squirrel’s sentiments, no matter what they might have said. ‘So Felix didn’t get along with Mandy, then?’

  The squirrel picked up a nut and began to nibble. ‘Get on with Mandy?’ he said between nibbles. ‘Hah! No one gets on with Mandy. Her foul moods and selfish ways see to that, I assure thee. Every week, Felix was given a list of what Mandy would be wearing and how she would be styled in each scene, so he could prepare his glamours. But the evil witch would change her mind at the last second. And it wasn’t just Felix that these caprices of hers affected, oh no! The costume department, the glamour artists, the entire crew and cast … every poor soul was at her beck and call.’

  Considering they were all singing her praises, I
felt sure that they were still at her beck and call.

  ‘And what about Felix?’ I asked. ‘Do you know of anyone he disliked on the set? Or anyone who disliked him? We’re working with the theory that he was killed in Mandy’s place, but we do have to explore every option.’

  Kitty threw the nut aside. As it whacked Wolfie in the forehead, the squirrel said, ‘Alas, my Felix was a people pleaser. It was his one and only flaw. So unless, perchance, you can think of anyone who would have wanted to kill the loveliest witch on the planet, then no – this had nothing to do with Felix. My poor witch was in the wrong place – and in the wrong glamour – at the wrong time.’

  8. The Scheming Witch

  When I met up with Finn in the Hungry Hippy later that morning, he looked exhausted.

  ‘I went to Three Witches Brew after work last night,’ he said. ‘I should have gone home to bed like you did. It was the biggest mistake of my life.’

  Our food arrived, and he dug into his pile of eggs.

  I picked at my muesli, fishing out the nuts and passing them to Kitty. Yes, I had a squirrel in my handbag. That’s just how I roll. ‘Why was it a mistake?’

  ‘Lassie was there,’ he said with a groan. ‘Along with a bunch of her flatmates and friends. They came over and joined us – Greg, Shane and Paul were with me, and it turns out Lassie lives in Greg’s building. Anyway, we were all getting on like a house on fire. Me and Lassie especially. I started to figure that maybe it was finally time to make my move. I’ve known her nearly a year now. And her boyfriend is dead even longer than that. It’s long stopped seeming sleazy to fancy her so much. So when she went off to the loo, I decided: the second she got back, I was going to ask her to tonight’s dance.’

  It was my turn to groan. I’d forgotten all about the Lughnasadh dance. We were kicking the festivities off early this year because, well … the way we celebrated Lughnasadh, we would need to build up a tolerance. It was our festival of abundance, when we celebrated growth and the harvest to come and … okay, I’ll come clean. In my home town of Riddler’s Cove, it was actually the festival where it was said – just said, mind you – that the relationships which began at Imbolc came to their full fruition. Ahem.