Acting Up

by A. A. Albright

  ‘I’m still in the same place you and I have been all along, Finn,’ I told him. ‘I don’t want to have to arrest yet another person I think might be innocent. Will is a lot of things, but careless he is not. If he were going to try and kill Mandy, he wouldn’t accidentally kill two other people along the way. This is an amateur, and a selfish one at that. Someone who doesn’t give a toss whether the wrong person gets killed along the way, as long as they get their target in the end.’

  Ronnie stood up next to me, giving Will a careful once-over. ‘Maybe. A lot of people tell me Will is a great guy. He rebuilt the Riddler’s Edge community hall out of his own pocket. Now I hear he’s even funding the orphanage on Eile Street. But what if all of that is just how he wants to appear? An image he’s presenting to the world. What if the real Will is just like his father and his aunt and every other Berry before them? His dad certainly didn’t care how many people he killed when he was stealing their power, did he?’

  ‘That might be true,’ Christine conceded. ‘But we’re ignoring one very important factor here. Motive. Why would he want to kill Mandy?’

  Ronnie snorted. ‘Have you met her, Christine? She’s possibly the most horrendous woman in the world. How that woman has so many fans is beyond me.’

  Finn stood up, moving to the door. ‘She’s horrible, for sure. But he chose her. It’s not like he doesn’t have a queue of women lined up, now is it? If Will didn’t want Mandy, he’d dump her. Not murder her. Come on. Let’s go ask them some questions.’

  ≈

  ‘There’s no doubt about it,’ said Ronnie as we sat down across from Mandy, Will, Florence and Bruno. ‘There was Blue mixed in with your champagne, Mandy. How much did you have to drink?’

  Mandy looked thoughtful for a moment. ‘About a quarter of the glass, I think.’ She linked her arm in Will’s. ‘And then my gorgeous other half decided he wanted to show me off on the dancefloor, so I put my glass down.’ She scowled slightly. ‘Everyone knows I have the only pink glass. It’s a rule, on set and off. If you work for me, you know the rules. And Yvonne knew.’

  Bruno, seated now on Mandy’s other side, patted her arm. ‘That’s quite right. We all know we’re not allowed to drink from a pink glass. That’s Mandy’s colour.’

  Florence looked at Ronnie. ‘I found Blue in Mandy’s bloodstream, and in quite a high concentration, too. But I also found some interesting antibodies floating around – the likes of which I’ve never seen before.’

  Ronnie’s eyes widened. ‘You’re saying Mandy has a natural immunity to Blue?’

  Mandy smirked. ‘Oh, I’ve always had a strong constitution. I imagine I’m immune to all sorts.’

  Florence and Ronnie began whispering furiously together. After a moment, Florence looked at Mandy. ‘Perhaps we could test you further,’ she said. ‘You could be the breakthrough we’ve been waiting for. We could create an antidote to Blue. Perhaps to other poisons, too.’

  Mandy held her perky nose in the air. ‘Nah. I don’t think so. I mean, it’s not really my problem if other people don’t have my constitution, is it?’ She stood up, pulling Will to standing along with her. ‘Come along, love of my life. I’m on set early tomorrow. I want to get my beauty sleep.’

  ‘Whoa there, Miss Parker.’ Finn held up a hand. ‘We asked you to come here after the hospital because we have questions for you. Two people have been killed now, and it seems like you might have been the real target. Mandy, you must know of someone with a grudge. Have you fought with anyone other than Will lately? Received any threatening fan mail?’

  She sniggered. ‘Don’t be ridiculous. No one wants to kill me, you moron. Everyone loves me. Now, as I said, I really do need my beauty sleep.’ She turned to Bruno. ‘And can you tell everyone to wear slippers to work tomorrow? I imagine I’ll be feeling rather delicate after all of this.’

  ‘Of course, my darling,’ he said soothingly. ‘Anything for the star of the show. Come on now, Will and I will get you home.’

  Will looked hesitantly at Finn. ‘Listen, Mandy’s not going to be any use to you when she’s cranky, is she? I’ll get her home to bed, and then I’ll make sure she has a think about who might be out to get her.’

  ‘Cranky!’ Mandy glared at him. ‘What are you saying, Will? I’m not cranky. I’m never cranky.’

  ‘Of course not, my love,’ he said, walking out along with her and Bruno. ‘Of course not.’

  ‘Give me your jacket, Will. And Bruno, give me your hat and scarf. There are photographers outside. I want to pretend I’m trying to hide from their attention. Look all mysterious and whatnot.’

  While Will happily took off his black jacket and helped her into it, Bruno shook his head. ‘No. I’m not giving you my hat and scarf. It’s part of my look.’

  Mandy looked baffled. ‘Don’t be ridiculous, Bruno. You always give me everything I want.’ She snatched at his hat. ‘Give it to me.’

  As Bruno tried desperately to keep his hat on his head, and Mandy kept right on snatching, I felt like I was watching a playground fight. An unexpected one, too. Because Mandy was right – when she said jump, Bruno said how high. So what was the problem with giving her his hat?

  Will was just about to separate them when he stepped back and stared at Bruno’s hat. ‘What’s that?’ he demanded. ‘What are you hiding under your hat?’

  Bruno swallowed. ‘Nothing. Just a bottle of vodka.’

  ‘Uh uh.’ Will shook his head. ‘I know the shape of that bottle anywhere.’ Being far taller than Bruno, he easily pulled the hat away. There were two quite remarkable things revealed beneath. One was that, despite the full hair that was carefully arranged around Bruno’s face, the middle of his head was bald.

  The second was that, taped to that bald head, there was a teardrop-shaped bottle.

  Maybe Bruno’s hat and scarf were part of his style. But right now, that hat also had some substance underneath – a highly illegal substance called Blue.

  14. Bruno’s Brainchild

  I peeked through the slit in the door at Bruno. He was wearing a jumpsuit, because we’d removed all of his clothing to test for traces of Blue. No one wants to remove a vain director slash writer’s clothing, believe me. But when he suggested that someone else must have sneaked the blue beneath his cap, it became necessary. We’d tested his body, too, but let’s not talk about that particular experience. Who said being a Wayfarer was a glamourous job? Oh – no one.

  ‘I had to book Will in for questioning again,’ said Finn, arriving next to me and pressing a cup of coffee into my hands. ‘We could be opening ourselves up to a lawsuit from Bruno, otherwise. We can’t very well call him a suspect because he had a bottle of Blue, when we didn’t come down harder on Will for the same.’

  I was about to reply, but seeing as I’d just taken a sip of the coffee, the only word I could muster up was, ‘Ugh!’

  There was an all-new coffee machine in our all-new canteen. And there was expensive coffee in that fancy coffee machine. But somehow, it tasted just as bad as the stuff we used to drink when we were working out of the Wyrd Court. There was no reason behind it, at least not one we could find. We’d analysed the coffee. We’d analysed the machine. The drinks should taste amazing. And yet …

  Finn took a sip from his own cup and shuddered. ‘Gretel said she’d come in to cover you if you like.’

  I almost wanted to say yes, just so I could get a chance to see Gretel while we did a handover. ‘Nah.’ I tossed back the drink as quickly as I could. ‘She’s been working just as hard as us on her own stuff. Let her have her sleep. You and me can handle Bruno.’

  ‘And Will?’ Finn arched a brow. ‘Wanda … I’m not completely clueless, y’know. I could tell you found the first interview with him difficult, but I’m not sure why. You and Will had one date, from what I know. And that was over a year ago. While you were spying on him, no less. But even though you were never a couple, I sometimes get a weird vibe whenever the two of you are in the same room, like … I d
unno.’

  ‘Mm hm,’ I said, simply because he seemed to want me to say something.

  ‘So … this isn’t going to be difficult for you, is it? Now that we might have to elevate Will to an official suspect?’

  ‘What? No! Of course not. As Will Berry has told me on plenty of occasions, there’s nothing between us. And I don’t want there to be, either. I mean … I did. A long time ago. And also not so long ago.’ I squeezed the empty cup and threw it in the bin. ‘Okay, I do have some weirdness when it comes to Will. He’s … well … he’s … but I would never let it get in the way of an investigation, Finn.’

  Finn pulled me into a one-armed hug. ‘I know that, Wanda, you silly sod. Good goddess, I sometimes think you wouldn’t let anything get in the way of an investigation. I’ve seen you stay awake for a week straight and subsist on doughnuts and energy drinks during some of our cases. And I’ve seen you go after people no one else would dare to. Your professionalism has never been in question.’ He ruffled my hair. ‘It’s your heart I’m worried about, Wanda. If this is too hard for you, I’ll get someone else to work on the case.’

  I pushed him gently away. ‘Who’s the silly sod now? Me – give away a case as juicy as this? Give over.’

  ≈

  Bruno was crying by the time we went into the interrogation room. But as upset as he was, I noticed that he’d managed to arrange his hair so that his bald spot was now covered over.

  ‘Why are you bald?’ asked Finn, pointing to Bruno’s hair. ‘I know the permanent anti-baldness spells can be expensive to put together. But I would have thought the ingredients would be well within your means, Bruno.’

  Ah, so Finn was playing Nasty Cop. I guess I’d better stop yawning and try to be nice, seeing as Bruno’s lips were quivering and his sobs were growing louder.

  ‘I’m sure Finn wasn’t making a stab at your personal appearance, Bruno. There’s nothing wrong with being bald. Some women find it a turn-on, I hear. But you can see why we’d be interested. We have to look at all the evidence. As the writer and director of a popular show like Be My Witch, you should be able to afford a spell for baldness if you wanted to. Especially seeing as you can afford a bottle of Blue, one of the most expensive poisons around.’

  ‘I did not buy that Blue!’ Bruno cried out. ‘I couldn’t afford it if I tried. And I don’t have any money for anti-baldness spells or glamours. I invested heavily in Plimpton’s Brooms. When the company went bust, I lost everything. I can’t even get the glamour artists on set to help me out, because they’re all too busy running around after Mandy bloody Parker!’

  Finn smirked. ‘Ah. So you do dislike Mandy. Well, that’s comforting to know, I must admit. I was a bit worried when I thought you went around murdering people you like.’ He sat back, hands behind his head. ‘So why the nicey-nicey act, then? Aren’t directors supposed to keep actors in line?’

  ‘Hmph!’ Bruno glared at Finn. ‘I’m not just the director, as a matter of fact.’

  ‘We’re well aware that you’re the writer, Bruno,’ Finn drawled. ‘What of it?’

  His glare grew even angrier. ‘Not just the writer, either. The creator. The whole show was my brainchild.’

  I scratched my head. ‘Isn’t it a remake? I feel like I heard somewhere that it was.’

  Bruno let out an irritated sigh. ‘Don’t you people know anything about the entertainment world?’

  ‘No.’ Finn shook his head. ‘Not really. I like Witch Wars, but that’s less about the plot and more about Veronica Berry. But Be My Witch is a remake. I heard some of the wizards who work here comparing the old show to the new just the other day.’

  ‘Fine,’ Bruno said with exasperation. ‘It’s a remake, if you want to get technical about it. But the original show was only ever aired once, and only the pilot episode was shown. It was propaganda, you see. About fifty or sixty years ago, it became the in thing to date a human. The Wyrd Court wanted to stamp out the trend before it caused trouble, so they had some of their top people create the original Be My Witch. My grandfather headed up the team. The plot was much the same to begin with – male witch meets female human and falls head over heels. But that’s where the original show and the present incarnation diverged. Selina – Mandy’s character – was meant to be a total nightmare. She was written so that young male witches everywhere would recognise the pitfalls of dating a human woman. There were six episodes in all, and in the final episode, Baron was supposed to dump Selina and marry his female best friend, Gigi.’

  ‘If they wrote six, then why was it pulled after just one episode?’ I wondered.

  Bruno shrugged. ‘There were a few high-profile cases at the time, where witches murdered humans for fun. It didn’t seem wise to air a show with such an unlikeable human character as Selina. My grandfather was given the creative rights to the original show, and he handed them down to me. I approached Angel Enterprises a couple of years back with the idea of a reboot, and they were delighted. They wanted to bring my grandfather’s vision to the modern audience. Selina would be dumped by Baron, as she was always supposed to be, and Baron would marry his best friend.’

  ‘Angel Enterprises went bust when their owners were thrown in Witchfield,’ I said. Their owners, of course, being the Dark Team. No wonder they were up for the idea of a show that made humans unpopular. Gabriel senior and junior had disliked humans just about as much as they’d disliked werewolves. And weredogs. And … well, the only people those crazies didn’t dislike was themselves.

  ‘It’s true that they went bust. The Berry coven owns the show now. But even while Angel Enterprises was in charge of it, they chose the almighty gold round over common sense. Mandy’s character became an instant hit, and our ratings went through the roof.’ Bruno sniffed. ‘Angel Enterprises liked the money we were bringing in, and forgot all about our original agenda. They asked me to rewrite the show, extending it for more seasons, with Mandy as the star. The character of Gigi, who was supposed to be the sweet best friend that Baron eventually falls in love with, was rewritten as a nasty, scheming character.’

  ‘Ah.’ Finn gave Bruno a sympathetic look. ‘So your grandfather’s vision was thrown aside, once again. All because Mandy Parker was so darned popular. Wow. You must have really hated her all this time. The show’s been running a good few years now, hasn’t it? Not only have they cast aside you and your granddad’s brainchild, but Mandy’s character gains more fans by the day.’

  Bruno sawed his jaw. ‘She wouldn’t have any fans if people knew what she was really like,’ he said in a loud whisper. ‘She’s awful. The most horrible person I’ve ever met. And I used to work for Gabriel Godbody the Twentieth!’

  ‘Yeah, he was a pretty creepy guy, I’ll grant you,’ said Finn. ‘So that’s why you wanted to kill Mandy? You hoped that, once she was gone, the show would return to its original vision?’

  ‘No.’ Bruno shook his head emphatically. ‘I mean, that’s why I wanted to kill Mandy. But I didn’t kill her.’

  ‘Oh, sure. You just killed Felix and Yvonne by mistake,’ Finn drawled. ‘That makes you a much better person.’

  Bruno banged his fist on the table. ‘You’re not listening to me, you plebeians! Good goddess, I wish the Peacemakers were still around. I never poisoned anyone. I had many enjoyable fantasies about killing Mandy, because if anyone deserves to be murdered, it’s her. But I’m telling you – I did not buy that bottle of Blue, and I definitely didn’t hide it under my hat. Someone else did. I could feel them, like a rush of air, moving really quickly around me. And then the rush of air was gone, but there was a bump under my hat. I didn’t know what they’d planted under there. I finally took a look in your toilets while I was waiting here with Mandy, but then someone came in, so I just put my hat back on and decided I’d have to leave the bottle there until I could get rid.’

  He looked pleadingly at me. ‘You have to believe me. I’ll even take a truth potion to prove myself. You have to let me out of here. I’m innocent. Think wha
t they’d do to a sensitive director slash writer in the cells of Witchfield.’

  Finn stood up. ‘We don’t use truth potions, Bruno, though I often wish we did. And as for letting you out of here? Are you kidding? You’re our chief suspect right now, and all the evidence is pointing your way. You’re looking at a lot of years in Witchfield, buddy. But don’t worry – there are lots more sensitive souls there to keep you company. Your old friends from Angel Enterprises, for example.’

  Bruno stood up, running after Finn and pulling at his shirt. ‘Please. I didn’t do it. You have to believe me.’

  Finn banged on the door. ‘Open up, Willis,’ he called to the Wayfarer on the other side. ‘We’re done in here.’

  15. Coming Clean

  Bruno’s story could have been just that – a story. Right now, he seemed like the most likely candidate for the murders. He had a strong motive to want to kill Mandy. And considering how easily he’d been able to fake being a friend to her, I wondered just what else he’d be able to fake. But would he have been careless enough to kill Felix and Yvonne by accident? That was something neither Finn nor I could decide.

  Luckily, we had all the time we wanted with Bruno. As for Will Berry? With his lawyer on our backs, we would either have to arrest him or let him out within twenty-four hours.

  Which was why, the second we left Bruno, we went straight to the interrogation room next door.

  ≈

  ‘Will,’ I began, ‘Fred told me there’s been a blurry person around lately. Maybe casing your house – or following you.’

  Will grunted, took a drink, then sighed. ‘Yeah, well, Fred should have kept his mouth shut. What’s with you and other people’s familiars anyway, Wanda? Don’t think no one’s noticed that my uncle’s former familiar now lives with you. My dad thinks you should give him back, seeing as he’s rightfully Berry property. Don’t worry – I’ve told him that’s never gonna happen.’