The Untimely Deaths of Alex Wayfare

by M. G. Buehrlen

  I grab his coat from the rack by the door and shove it against his chest. “You really need to leave.”

  He looks hurt and pitiful, water dripping from his hair onto his forehead, but I’m too angry to care. As he leaves, the door closes on yet another perceived friendship, yet another betrayal. First Micki, now Jensen. I sink to the floor, sobbing into my hands.

  Growing close to people—it’s just not worth it.

  They all let you down in the end.

  Chapter 23

  Vultures

  I force myself back to school on Monday for an English test, but it ends up being a waste, because I fail it.

  I stalk through the halls, my anger a long, thick robe trailing behind me. It hunches my shoulders. Sags my skin. Makes me scowl at everyone, even Irene, the sweet old janitor who brings me homemade cranberry-orange muffins when I’m in the AV lab, and chats with me about her grandkids and her horses.

  I’m angry at Jensen, for waiting to make a move after I was already taken, for humiliating me. I’m angry at Blue, for being this elusive ghost, haunting me, making me doubt this thing we had, whatever it was. I’m angry that I had to leave before we could reconcile. Instead, the last words we shared were spoken in anger. I’m angry at Micki, for leading me right into the lion’s den, for knocking my sister’s cure right out of my hands. But mostly, I’m angry at myself. And I want to give up, end my existence and move on to the next, but I have to hang on a little while longer, until I exhaust every option for Audrey.

  During lunch, I hunch over the stack of fried DVD players Mrs. Latimer left for me, grumbling to myself like a little old witch over her potion pot.

  “It isn’t worth it, you know, spending your days in a rage.”

  I look up and Levi is standing at the AV counter. I have no idea how long he’s been there.

  “Did you come here to talk me out of my anger?” I say, stripping a wire with a little more force than needed. “Remind me again to live my life to the fullest? Be happy?”

  “No. Even though that’s what I want for you. I came to say I understand. For most of my life, I lived with that rage. It was all I knew, and it almost destroyed me, until I learned to channel it and aim it where it belonged.”

  “Micki’s a traitor, Levi.”

  “Even if you were right, which I don’t think you are, Gesh would still be the one to blame. Not her.”

  “I’m happy to blame both of them, thank you very much.” My sister is dying. Doesn’t he understand that? And it’s Micki’s fault I don’t have a cure in my hands right now. How can he stand here and defend her?

  “I’ve worked with her for a long time. She’s loyal to us. Always has been. If she had defected, I would’ve noticed.”

  I drop a few dots of solder on the wire and cement it in place. “You accused me of having a blind spot when it comes to Blue. I think you have a blind spot when it comes to her.”

  He frowns, places his hands flat on the counter. “I hate seeing you like this. I wish there were something I could do.”

  I look at him, dead on. “You could believe me.”

  We’re interrupted by a group of kids passing through the AV room into the computer lab for next period. Robbie Duncan is among them. When he notices Levi and me talking, he laces his hands behind his head and thrusts his pelvis, moaning.

  I scowl at him, wishing the heat of my glare could melt his skin off.

  “You better go,” I say to Levi. “The vultures are circling.”

  Asshole Dick Face

  Hidden within my fog of fury, it totally slips my mind that there’s a college fair in the gym today. My entire pre-calc class is excused to attend, and everyone is fired up and excited to skip class and grab brochures from their dream universities.

  The gym is packed. The murmuring voices drone in my ears. I wander through the booths, honing my scowling skills, thinking how college is a waste of time for a time-traveling girl with a time bomb strapped to her chest.

  At the end of one of the aisles, Tabitha sits at a booth with her other drama club members. They’re holding a raffle to raise money for their spring production of Mamma Mia. I wouldn’t care, except Robbie walks up to her booth and says, “Wow, Tab, is that Resting Bitch Face, or are you just happy to see me?”

  She scowls at him with almost as much venom as I did earlier, and folds her pink-manicured hands on the table. “I’d rather have Resting Bitch Face than Asshole Dick Face.”

  I can’t help but laugh out loud. Maybe Tabitha isn’t all bad.

  But my laugh makes Robbie turn his juvenile dickery on me. “Hey, Wayspaz. I heard a rumor today. Want to know what it is?”

  I roll my eyes and keep walking, because whatever he has to say to me is so not worth my time. He doesn’t notice my disdain. Either that or he doesn’t care.

  He falls into step beside me. “Everyone says you’ve been spending a lot of time with Mr. Sorenson. Alone.”

  I ignore him, but there’s a group of kids in my way, lined up at the George Washington University booth, and I have to stop.

  Robbie steps in front of me. “Know what we all think? We think you’re banging a teacher during the week, and Peters on the weekends.”

  I don’t even flinch. Nothing he could say would shock me. Nothing any of them could say would knock me off my axis. Not anymore. I turn back around toward Tabitha’s booth, but he steps in front of me again, grabs my arm. “Hey, I’m talking to you.”

  I look down at his hand, fury bubbling beneath my skin. “Get your hands off me and leave me alone.” How dare he touch me again, like it’s his God-given right? How dare he think I’m required to listen simply because he’s speaking to me?

  “God, Wayspaz,” he says, his voice booming a little too loud. “I just came over here to talk to you, and you’re being a total bitch to me.”

  Tabitha looks up from her booth, and I swear there’s a hint of disgust in her expression, aimed at Robbie, not me. Which is weird, because I would’ve pegged her as one of his cohorts, maybe laughing because she thinks I deserve to be verbally berated.

  But I’m the one who lets out a laugh. Like that word is supposed to hurt me? He picked the wrong girl to try to wound. I’ve been to hell and back, and Robbie Duncan calling me a bitch doesn’t even register on my pain radar.

  Not even close.

  I yank my arm away and move to squeeze between him and Tabitha’s booth, my fists curled, but he grabs me again. Lifts me off the floor. I struggle with him, but his chubby, freckled arms are wrapped around my elbows, and I can’t get the right leverage.

  “Stop it, Robbie,” I hear Tabitha say, standing up.

  “What the hell does Peters see in you?” Robbie says, holding me tighter. Then he lowers one arm, his hand groping at my butt. “Oh, now I see.” He laughs, squeezing my butt, my thigh, helping himself to anything he likes.

  That’s when the rage finally lets loose. He can say whatever he wants. Words have no power over me. But the moment he touches me like that, it brings back all the memories with Gesh and Decoy Boy, and I snap. It only takes a fraction of a second for Lo Jie’s instincts to kick in. In a blur, I take advantage of his lowered arm and twist out of his grasp. I spin around, pull all the energy from my gut and slam the heel of my palm into his stupid, slack-jawed face.

  He hits the floor. People all around us gasp. The gym goes still, quiet. Everyone watches.

  Tabitha rushes to my side. “Are you OK?”

  She asks me, not Robbie, who’s now twisting on the floor, hands cupped over his nose as blood leaks out between his fingers.

  “I’m OK,” I say, shaking from the adrenaline rush leaving my system.

  “You should disappear,” she says. “Like, now.”

  “Why? I defended myself.”

  Tabitha frowns. “Mrs. Gafferty won’t see it that way. Trust me.”

  Before I get a chance to take Tabitha up on her advice, Mrs. Gafferty, the principal, shouts my name across the gym. She marches toward me,
the only one moving in a crowd of jaw-dropped statues. “My office. Now.”

  Mrs. Gafferty makes me sit outside her office for over an hour while she talks to Robbie in the nurse’s office and interviews a few more students who were witnesses. She’s saving me for last, hoping I’ll calm down, but I won’t. My legs are jittery and jumping, my fists white-knuckled, my mind stewing.

  The worst part is, she called Dad. And when he arrives, he doesn’t look disappointed; he looks worried about me, all loving and concerned, and his expression makes me want to cry and curl up in his arms. “Alex, what happened? They said you got in a fight?”

  He’s so confused. He can’t understand this side of me, the side that gets in fights at school, the side that gets suspended. Maybe he wonders if he even knows me anymore.

  The truth is, he doesn’t.

  “I don’t want to talk about it,” I say, staring at my fists clenched in my lap.

  He sits down beside me. “I know this thing with Audrey is difficult for you right now, but—”

  “I don’t want to talk about it,” I say again, louder.

  Dad sits back in his chair, surprised. I never raise my voice at him like that. But I’m so raw, so angry, I can’t maintain a facade. Not even for him.

  Mrs. Gafferty’s door opens, and Tabitha walks out. She glances at me, but I can’t read her expression. Mrs. Gafferty calls us in and closes the door. She motions to two chairs in front of her mammoth cherrywood desk.

  I give my account of the incident, and Mrs. Gafferty lets me speak without interrupting, but she’s stoic. Dad, on the other hand, looks mortified. He’s sitting at the edge of his seat, looking at Mrs. Gafferty in a trusting, let’s-fix-this-together way, because Dad is exactly like me. He doesn’t like leaving things broken. He wants to repair everything in his path.

  When Mrs. Gafferty finally speaks, I’m not surprised by what she says. Dad thinks we can all work together to come to a good conclusion, but Mrs. Gafferty is tired of me making waves in her school. Suspension wasn’t enough a few months ago. Now she’s going to call for my head.

  “I don’t need to tell you that you’re facing expulsion this time, Alex.” That’s what she says. It’s your fault and you’re going down, kiddo.

  Dad holds out a hand. “Now wait a minute. I don’t think expulsion is the right decision when Alex was defending herself.”

  “Defending herself?” Mrs. Gafferty’s eyebrows climb her forehead. “She broke another student’s nose, Mr. Wayfare. Maybe you don’t understand the gravity of the situation here. Your daughter committed a violent act on school grounds.”

  “The situation,” I say, scooting forward, “is that he assaulted me, and I defended myself. I told him to leave me alone, and he didn’t.”

  Mrs. Gafferty shakes her head. “Only one witness says she heard you tell him to leave you alone. And even if that was the case, you had to know that would only provoke him further.”

  I can’t help letting my jaw drop. “Telling him to leave me alone is provoking him? Are you asking me to just grin and bear it next time?”

  “I’m saying sometimes it’s best not to make a scene. You’re not only facing expulsion here, Alex, you could be facing a lawsuit from Robbie’s father.”

  That makes me pause, and I finally feel an ounce of remorse for what I did, but only because I hadn’t thought about how it might affect my family.

  “Robbie was only teasing you. Joking with you. He probably has a crush on you, for goodness’ sake.” She delivers this in a you’re-as-dumb-as-a-doorknob tone, like I’m oblivious about guys liking me, and if only I knew his actions were crush-driven, then everything would be OK. I’d sigh with relief. Ooohhhhh, he likes me! Hallelujah! A boy actually likes me! Here, have a free ticket to my body!

  The expression on my face doesn’t hide my horror and disbelief. But she ignores it and keeps going. “It’s what kids do,” she says. “And you reacted completely out of proportion.”

  Obviously she’s never been kidnapped in Grant Park by a Descender who raked his hands all over her chest. Obviously she’s never had her bra strap snapped in the hall or her butt groped by Asshole Dick Face Robbie. And obviously she’s never been held down on a desk while Gesh stuck his hand between her thighs. Looked at her like she was his possession, to do with as he pleased.

  Dad leans forward, his fists about to break the arms off his chair. I’ve been so steeped in anger that I haven’t noticed Dad’s body language. How furious he is too, how much he’s been holding back this whole time. “With all due respect, Mrs. Gafferty,” he says, steam rolling off of him in waves, “I disagree. That boy sexually assaulted my daughter. If I had been there to witness it, he’d have more than one broken bone, I can tell you that much.”

  Mrs. Gafferty’s eyes widen. “Mr. Wayfare—”

  “If you punish Alex for defending herself, and you let this boy off the hook, the message you’re sending to the students on your campus, to your girls, is that it’s perfectly acceptable for them to lay their hands on another human being in violence. That’s exactly what that boy did to my daughter. He laid his hands on her with full intent to hurt her. To subdue her and assert his strength over her. That is damaging on a thousand different levels. I’m not saying what Alex did was the right choice, but I do believe it was damn well warranted. The way I see it, Robbie Duncan is at fault here. He initiated this incident, so punish him. Set the standard here. A precedent. Be the hero for all the girls on your campus.”

  She presses her lips into a thin line. “I’m not interested in being a hero. I’m interested in making sure those at fault receive the proper punishment.”

  Dad nods and stands like the conversation is over. “I’m glad to hear it. You can give me a call when you’ve decided how to punish this boy.”

  “Sit down, Mr. Wayfare. We’re not finished here.”

  “I believe we are.” He waves a hand at me. “Let’s go, Alex.” And we walk out. Just like that.

  And I follow after him, not caring whether or not Mrs. Gafferty decides to be a hero, because Dad already is. He protected me, stood up for me, when no one else would. For the first time all day, the rage subsides, and I feel relief.

  And exhaustion.

  We both slide into the Mustang, where the squeak of the seats and the smell of the vinyl wrap me in comfort. I press my forehead against the passenger-door window. My breath fogs the icy pane.

  “I thought we were done with this,” Dad says, turning the ignition, firing up the engine. “With these visits to the principal.”

  I want to say I’m sorry, that I didn’t mean for it to happen, to involve him in yet another school issue, but I just sit there, staring at my hands, winding and unwinding a loose thread from my parka sleeve around my finger.

  “Did you really break his nose?”

  God. Yes. In two places, apparently. But no words come out. It won’t ever happen again. I could say it with honesty. I’ll be dead soon enough.

  Dad’s quiet for a long time. I’m afraid to glance at him, fearing I’ll find disappointment clouding his kind gray eyes, but when I finally get the courage to peek at him, he’s not looking at me. His eyes are straight ahead, one of his fists raised in my direction.

  “Fist bump,” he says with the proudest of smiles.

  I choke out a laugh through the tightness in my throat. I tap his knuckles with mine.

  “Promise me, Bean. If anyone ever touches you like that again without your consent, makes you feel threatened, and they don’t take no for an answer, you break as many bones as it takes, you hear me?”

  I sniff, blinking back tears. “I promise.”

  Chapter 24

  How to Survive

  That night during dinner with Gran, Pops, Claire, and Dad, there’s a knock on our door. Gran answers it, and leads the unexpected guest into the dining room.

  It’s Levi, looking apologetic, balancing a stack of books and folders in his arms.

  I stand up too quickly, knocking
my fork to the floor, surprised to see him here, in my home, with my family. A collision of worlds.

  Dad stands up too.

  “Dad, this is Mr. Sorenson, my history teacher.”

  Dad wipes his hands with a napkin and shakes Levi’s hand. “Nice to meet you, Mr. Sorenson. What can we do for you?”

  “I’m sorry to interrupt your dinner, Mr. Wayfare. I wanted to stop by and talk to you and Alex about what happened today, if that’s OK.”

  My eyes widen at Levi, and I wish he were still connected to my soulmark so he could read my thoughts. What the hell are you doing here?

  Dad ushers us into the living room, and we all sit, staring at each other awkwardly.

  “Mr. Wayfare, I want to start out by saying I completely agree with you about the incident this afternoon. I don’t believe Alex should be held at fault. I’ve only been at South View for a short time, but in that time I’ve come to know your daughter as an honest, hard-working student, with drive and passion that is, I believe, vital to her future community. Expelling her would be a mistake.”

  Dad looks impressed. “Thank you, Mr. Sorenson. I appreciate that. I’m sure Alex does too.”

  “And so, I hope you don’t mind, but I’ve taken it upon myself to devise an alternative plan for Alex’s last semester.” He hefts the stack of books onto the coffee table. “I recommend Alex study at home, under my tutelage, where she can be close to her family during this unfortunate and difficult time. I’ve already gotten approval from Mrs. Gafferty. I just need the nod from you both.”

  Dad grins at me. I grin at Levi.

  So maybe he finally did do something to make school bearable for me. And maybe there are still some people I can trust, who have my back. My heart swells in my chest, and I nod and thank him even though I want to tackle-hug him. I totally would if Dad weren’t there.

  Dad coerces Levi to stay for dinner, which is customary in our household. If you step through the front door, day or night, you’ll be wrangled into dinner one way or another, whether you like it or not.