‘I won’t, I promise. Things are different now.’
‘Unfortunately - to quote one of your favourite expressions - talk is cheap so I think you’re going to have to offer me more than that.’
‘Okay, I will go to counselling with you - and I will take it seriously.’
Isabel came bounding in. ‘Dora’s finished.’
‘Then it’s a bath and off to bed with you, young lady.’
‘I’m hungry,’ he said. ‘How about I sort out Issy and you order some takeaway.’
After Isabel was asleep we went back to our bed and had a champagne picnic, just like the day he had proposed to me. And just as it was on that day, my jangling nerves meant I had little appetite.
‘So where were we?’ I said eventually. ‘Ah counselling.’
‘Yes there’s the proof you need that I’m committed. I’m prepared to go to counselling.’
‘I know you’re cynical but it has helped me a lot and if we are to have another baby you need to work through a few issues, rather than just run off with another flight attendant when I put on a few kilos.’
‘Please don’t trivialise things, Elle. It wasn’t just because you put on weight. I am not that superficial. I was angry with you. I felt you changed when we got married. I felt you abandoned me.’
‘I abandoned you!’
‘Look, do you want to listen to what I have to say or do you want to argue with me. It is difficult enough to say these things and I’m not going to go on unless you’re prepared to hear me out.’
‘Okay, okay…tell me and I promise I will be quiet.’
‘First you changed when we got married. You started getting resentful about my job.’
‘I didn’t say much.’
‘You didn’t need to. It was obvious from your attitude. You’d sulk when I had to go away at Christmas or on our anniversary when really you knew I had little control over these things. And then you became obsessed about having a baby and I just felt like a piece of meat or…I don’t know…a sperm donor. You only seemed to want to have sex to make a baby after that. Do you know how it feels for a guy to be rejected all the time when he wants to make love to his wife? Like it’s some sort of burden.’
He paused for a moment.
‘Then…after William…you spent so much time with those counsellors and on your chat groups that you seemed to have no time for me. You were always online with those bloody chat groups. I didn’t want to talk to counsellors. I wanted to talk to you.’
‘But I couldn’t help you Tony. I was hurting too much myself.’
‘Okay…I think I can understand that now but can I please finish? Then it was back to being the sperm donor and after Isabel was born it got worse.’
‘Now that’s not fair. I had a terrible time with Issy and you didn’t help. You were awful to me just when I needed you most.’
‘I’m not making excuses. I’m just trying to explain why I got involved with Wendy…though, I don’t know, I’m not even sure I really know myself. It sounds stupid but it just sort of happened. It’s not like I went looking. You find yourself in these situations…and then she seemed to have the time for me that you never had. Anyway the main thing is it’s never going to happen again. I know what I’ve got here.’
Wendy? I hadn’t heard that before. It seemed a name more suited to a tuckshop mum than a mistress. But what was I expecting - Krystle or Bambi?
And of course she had more time for him - she didn’t have a screaming baby to attend to.
But that could wait. This was clearly not the time for point scoring.
I was astounded that this had all come out of Tony’s mouth. I began to think we must have been drinking truth serum rather than champagne. If that was the case it was best I kept my mouth firmly shut.
‘We could have saved ourselves a lot of tears if you’d told me some of this earlier,’ I said after it was clear he’d finished, ‘but we can’t change that. And it doesn’t mean we don’t need to go to counselling. We - and I mean both of us - still have some huge issues to deal with around communication.’
‘I know. But thanks for not biting my head off this time when I mentioned the affair.’
Oh Tony, if you only knew the reason you wouldn’t be thanking me.
My eyelids were feeling heavy. I lay my head on the pillow. All that champagne on an almost empty stomach was taking its toll.
‘I think I need to sleep. Can we talk more tomorrow?’
‘Okay, I’ll wash up.’
I dragged myself to the bathroom to wash and brush my teeth and then crawled into bed. At first I must have fallen into a deep sleep as I don’t remember Tony coming into the room, but from 2am to 4am I dozed fitfully and after that was wide awake. He slept on beside me, his breathing heavy and regular. It was time to think.
I knew he thought I was coming around to the idea of going to Hong Kong with him - and he was correct - although a few issues needed to be ironed out beforehand.
I’d got myself in a terrible pickle and removing to Hong Kong was the best way to extricate myself without too many tears. It would be a clean break from Alex, which was exactly what was needed. We would not even be in the same city; there would be no temptation to lapse.
The lure of Alex was strong but I had known him for such a short time: less than a year and intimately for much less than that. And how well did I really know him? I only had his version of events about his breakup from Julie. I’d also never thought to check with Paul if Stacey really was James’ girlfriend. I had given Alex the licence to see other people and whilst I thought he was being faithful to me I’d always thought that about Tony, too.
Alex was a good guy but he was hardly perfect - after all, he was fooling around with the wife of another man. Our recent times together had been made tense by his jealousy and impatience. I wouldn’t have expected or even wanted Alex to be perfect, but if I split with Tony and it got ugly would he have the patience to stick by me during difficult times? A man who fell in love so easily might fall out of it again equally quickly. What if I ended things with Tony and remained in Sydney as a single mum and then when push came to shove Alex decided he no longer wanted me? Isabel would be the innocent casualty of my selfishness, just at the time she’d finally been granted the daddy I’d always dreamed of.
On the other hand my husband’s character flaws were known to me. He was a known quantity. The years we’d lived together but apart had eroded away the love I’d had for him and all that was left now was a small kernel of affection: more a remembrance of that love than the real thing. But it was still there and with time we might be able to build on it, especially with some distance at last between us and the influence of his mother.
What rankled most was the thought I might have played more than a bit part in my marriage woes. I’d worn my innocent victim’s robes for many years now, and found the cut suited me well. Now my contribution to the sorry mess had been revealed: it was true that I had been resentful; it was true I had often knocked him back for sex back then, sacrificing intimacy in a misguided pursuit of sperm quality; and when I thought about the months after William’s death my husband was little more than a hazy background figure. It seems that while working through my own grief I had left him to suffer alone. Was it any wonder that he hadn’t dealt with it properly?
Ultimately I knew that none of this justified adultery, but did anything really justify adultery?
Hmmm.
There was only one sensible decision I could make. It was the best decision for Isabel and her needs took priority. Telling Alex would be unbearably painful but it had to be done. If only I’d known our last time together - so snappy and unsatisfactory - would be our last.
The next day was sunny so Tony, Isabel and I took a bus into the city. Issy, dressed in her favourite white-patterned sundress, was goggled-eyed at the spectacle. Who�
�d have thought the daughter of an airline pilot would get so excited by an everyday trip on a government bus? We walked to the Botanic Gardens and set up our picnic lunch in a sunny spot overlooking the harbour. This was my first step in saying goodbye to my home town, although Tony assured me it would not be forever. He was keen to return by the time our children were of high school age. I took this to mean he wanted his son to attend his old school, following in the footsteps of his father and grandfather.
‘You know even if we do have another baby there is no guarantee it will be a boy,’ I said. ‘In fact it’s probably more likely to be another girl. You realise that don’t you? I don’t want it to be the cause of further problems.’
‘Yes I know, but we did conceive a boy once. And I was told by someone that Chinese herbalists can give you herbs that increase the odds of you having a boy…or a girl if that’s what you’re after.’
‘Hmm, if only things were that easy, but I suppose it’s worth a try. But you’re not allowed to tell Emma. She’ll never let me live it down if she finds out. And remember there can be no guarantees.’
‘I know, I know. And seriously how could I complain if we had another like Isabel.’ We both looked towards our daughter. She had found a companion, a smaller boy, and they were making a game of jumping off a low stone fence together. ‘Mum’s going to miss her dreadfully.’
‘Even if she’s a bit spoilt.’
‘Yeah.’ He smiled and swung an arm over my shoulder in a lazy, sunny afternoon way.
‘You’re pretty pleased with yourself right now,’ I said.
‘Relieved to get things back on track, more likely…You know, I’m starting to think we’d be better off now if I’d stayed at Qantas instead of changing horses midstream, but I don’t know that I was thinking very clearly at that time.’
Was that two admissions of fallibility in twenty-four hours? I resisted the temptation to comment.
‘No, it wasn’t a good time in our lives. Anyway, it might yet turn out for the best. I mean it will be a bit of an adventure living overseas.’
‘No we wouldn’t have had that opportunity, would we? And I’m not going to knock back the money.’
‘Mmm.’ I rubbed my hands at the prospect.
There was one more question I needed to ask him. ‘You know it seems like you’ve been away for a really long time and have just come back. Was it my ultimatum?’
‘No it was before that but I don’t think you even noticed. The ultimatum gave me a big kick along though. Nothing like the thought of losing you to galvanise me into action.’
And although he couldn’t look at me - staring at the passing yachts on the harbour instead - he said, ‘I don’t know what came over me. I knew I was being a bastard but I couldn’t seem to stop myself. I’m so sorry for the hurt…and, well, for everything.’
That was the deal clincher.
We walked back to the bus stop in the warmth of the late afternoon sun, Isabel between us holding one hand each. ‘Hold on tight,’ we said as we swung her high in the sky. She giggled in intoxicated delight, urging us to do it again and again until I had to beg off, my arms too tired to lift her anymore.
I often wonder if she’ll remember that day when she gets older, maybe the first time in her short life that her parents seemed genuinely together and content just to be there in her company.
***
I was tapping away on my notebook, manuscript unfinished, when the dulcet tones of the purser came over the PA, advising us that, as we were approaching Hong Kong, we needed to ‘turn off all electronic devices’. So near and yet so far.
Anyway, we’re here in Hong Kong now, or more precisely in our little house in Discovery Bay. This is where we plan to live for I don’t know how long.
Discovery Bay is on Lantau Island, a twenty-odd minute ferry ride from the main island. There is a huge expat community here. In fact it’s almost all expat - not just Cathay pilots and their families (Chek Lap Kok airport also being on Lantau) but lots of others, Hong Kong being the Asian hub of lots of big international corporations, including, incidentally, many pharmaceutical companies.
Discovery Bay: the first time Tony mentioned the name I thought we were going to end up living at a holiday resort, complete with Kids’ Club and Happy Hour by the pool. My prejudices weren’t allayed when I found out that, in a measure designed to reduce pollution, no private cars are allowed here. To get around you have to catch a bus or taxi, unless you’re fabulously wealthy and can afford your own golf buggy. It’s almost as if we’ve taken up permanent residence on Hamilton Island, although with all the high rises it more closely resembles Surfers Paradise. To complete the picture there is even a beach where people hang out and play volleyball but the water looks a bit dodgy and don’t think any self-respecting beach-loving Aussie would ever consider swimming in it.
I suspect initial impressions will fade, however. I can’t wait till some more of our belongings arrive so we can make our town house seem more like home.
***
I had a nasty scare yesterday. I haven’t quite got used to Issy being four and so astute and talkative.
Tony met us both at the airport. When he asked us how we enjoyed the flight, Issy told him about the Disney movie she had seen. We heard the entire plot in intricate detail. Tony listened with admirable patience before turning to me. ‘So what’d you do? Catch up on any movies?’
‘No,’ piped up Issy, ‘Mummy worked on her computer the whole way.’
‘Really - what were you working on?’ asked Tony.
‘Er…just a report for Edward that I promised to complete.’ (Idiot, idiot - why didn’t I consider the possibility this could come up?)
‘Why were you doing that? You don’t work for them anymore. Tell them to piss off.’
‘No, no…it was something I started and wanted complete for my own sake. Edward didn’t ask me to.’
‘Oh well, if you want to waste your time I suppose that’s your business.’
Anyway, I’ve had a reprieve. My new improved, super-duper husband has decided I look tired and thus volunteered to take Isabel to Hong Kong Disneyland, which is just up the road from here, without me today. I have to finish this memoir today, email it off to Melanie’s safe keeping, and expunge all records from my computer.
So to continue.
18
Glass slippers and unlikely fairy godmothers
The following Monday Tony confirmed his transfer with Cathay. Then he headed off overseas for several days.
My stomach was performing a triple somersault with pike as I walked into the office on Tuesday, but I found Alex was out on the road all morning. I left a message on his voicemail, asking him to meet me for lunch at a coffee lounge in the local shopping mall.
I received a text in reply: Ok what’s up?
Tell u later, was mine.
The décor of Rosa’s Coffee Lounge has seen better days and the coffee is almost undrinkable, but I wanted to go somewhere where we’d be unlikely to run into anyone we knew and in that regard it fitted the bill perfectly. There were a few other diners, mostly aged over sixty. Well they looked about that old, as far as I could make out through the gloom. The place could certainly have done with a few extra light bulbs. It seemed an appropriate venue for what I was about to do.
Alex walked in a couple of minutes late, looking tense.
‘What’s going on?’ he asked, as he took the chair opposite.
‘Do you want to order coffee first?’
‘No, I want to know what’s on your mind.’
The waitress approached us but I politely waved her away. It looked like I couldn’t stall any longer. ‘Tony is transferring to Hong Kong with work. I’ve decided I’m going with him.’
‘No you’re not.’
‘I’m sorry, but I am. I’ve thought about it long and hard and
ultimately it’s the best decision for all of us.’
‘And are you including me in your all of us? Because it’s not the best decision for me.’
‘I think it is. You’ll be better off without me.’
‘Have you been leading me on all this time? Did you never have any intention of leaving your husband?’
‘No, no…please believe me. It was just as I said it was. But Tony really has changed. I can’t explain why but for Isabel’s sake I have to try and make a go of it.’
He crossed his arms and shook his head. ‘No. I’m not giving up that easily.’
‘I’ve already handed in my resignation to Edward this morning. It’s happening, Alex. I’m so sorry. If there was any other way…’
In his anger his pupils had dilated. ‘Don’t say that. There is another way - you just haven’t chosen it. The fact that I’m in love with you doesn’t come into this at all, does it?’
‘I’m sorry but I’ve lived more than you and no longer buy this love conquers all stuff.’
‘Really? I happen to think I’ve lived quite a lot actually…’
‘Anyway, I seriously doubt you can be as much in love with me as you say. We’ve known each other such a short time.’
‘Oh and you can get inside my head now can you?’
‘I just can’t see how you could have gotten over Julie so soon. It’s barely been a year. She was your great love, not me.’
‘No, you are the one who keeps saying Julie was my great love. I never have. You don’t want to deal with the possibility that it might actually be you.’
‘Now you’re just rewriting history to make me feel guilty.’
‘No I’m not - and that’s a terrible thing to say.’
‘Okay, okay, I’m sorry. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. I care for you so deeply.’
‘But not deeply enough it seems…I could tell Tony about us, you know. What would happen then?’
Happily Ever After? Page 22