‘You would be ruining my life, Alex, and if you love me as much as you say you do, you could never choose to do that. I would never forgive you.’
‘So that’s it, is it? You are going to waltz off to your new life in Hong Kong with that husband you claimed you no longer loved so you can have boring sex with him for the rest of your life.’
I think the old lady in the lawn bowls uniform at the next table must have heard this. Certainly she dropped the spoon she was stirring her cappuccino with most precipitously. I imagined my sordid love life might be a topic of conversation at her next morning tea at the club.
‘Keep your voice down Alex. I think people can hear us.’
‘I don’t care who hears us.’
‘Please believe me when I say that this is not a choice between Tony and you. If only it was that simple. It is a choice I am making for my daughter. She comes first in my life and one day when you have children of your own you will understand that.’
‘Well frankly I’m beginning to wonder if I will ever have children because I seem to have such lousy taste in women.’ And when he finished saying that he stood up and walked out on me.
Ouch - that last comment hurt - but what else could I expect under the circumstances.
***
Only words were exchanged that day but they felt like body blows. I’d rehearsed my lines carefully beforehand, but instead of sounding calm and rational as I’d planned, I feared I’d only succeeded in seeming callous and cold. That evening I barely had the energy to feed and bathe Isabel. After she was asleep I slumped in the arm chair and sat there all evening, completely still. My body ached all over and I found I could only breathe shallow breaths; it was almost as if my ribs were broken. This tight feeling stayed with me for weeks afterwards. I wanted to cry but when I willed the tears they never came, that night or on any night thereafter.
Alex refused to speak to me for the next three weeks. He managed to transact all work business via terse emails or by sending me documents in the internal mail with equally terse memos attached. It was just as it had been that week in early June, except that there was no thaw in relations this time.
I was sure Melanie and Karen must have noticed but they never mentioned anything.
Alex asked for - and was granted - a week off in the middle of this period. I heard he went to Byron Bay. He told Edward he needed a break before I left so he could be on deck to train my replacement, but I knew the real reason. When he returned I made one forlorn attempt to enter his office and talk to him but he refused to look up from his work and simply said, ‘I don’t want to talk to you. Please leave my office.’
So I sent him an email. It only contained one word - sorry - printed over and over, all the way down the page.
He probably deleted it as soon as it appeared in his Inbox. However, as far as I was aware he never tried to contact Tony. I thought my appeal to his better nature might work.
As it was, Tony was away almost all of this time, working and looking for suitable accommodation for us in Hong Kong. Instead of two competing males seeking my attention, I now had none. To fill my empty hours I packed and cleaned and spoke to real estate agents and organised our visas and researched our new life in Hong Kong. There was plenty to do. After Issy went to sleep I would work until late every night, falling into bed exhausted.
The girls at work were keen to organise a farewell dinner for me but I demurred. The company’s annual dinner dance was scheduled for the Saturday evening before I finished work so I suggested that could instead serve as my farewell; we girls could head out afterwards for some more drinks and dancing. The real reason I wasn’t keen was because I knew that Alex would not attend my farewell and his absence would be noted. At least at the dinner dance there was safety in numbers and he could ignore me without it being obvious to all.
On the Saturday prior to the dinner dance I dropped Issy off at Mum’s and headed to the Eastern suburbs. I’d had a tip off about a Chinese herbalist who specialised in fertility treatments and allegedly could help with sex selection. My rational science brain remained sceptical but I went along for a consultation just the same, figuring it could hardly hurt, and left with several herbal concoctions and pills, lots of advice and a much emptier wallet. It’s not as if I wouldn’t have been able to find a Chinese herbalist in Hong Kong, of course, but I thought I may as well get cracking sooner rather than later.
Afterwards I found myself near the Double Bay shops and decided to look for something to wear to the dinner dance. It probably wasn’t the smartest idea to go shopping in the suburb ironically nicknamed ‘Double Pay’, but if anyone was in need of some retail therapy at this time it was me.
In one of the shops I spied a white and blue patterned backless dress in a floaty fabric. It was beautifully draped and when I tried it on I found it fell flatteringly over my curves - or at least what was left of them - to just below the knee. And once I’d tried it on I felt compelled to buy it. It cost way more than what I would usually have spent, but I reminded myself that Tony would soon be getting a big pay rise. The boutique owner informed me I had very good taste, as the dress was by a bright young designer who’d been singled out for particular attention at Australian Fashion Week. I nodded sagely, even though I’d never heard of said designer before.
Then, in a neighbouring shoe boutique, I had what will probably be the only Sex and the City moment of my entire life. I spied some outrageously priced Jimmy Choo silver-jewelled sandals which glittered and sparkled in the sun. They had only one pair left, as it happened in my size. I tried them on, half-hoping that they would pinch or flop around way too loose, but they fitted perfectly. Still I hummed and hahed for a while - to drop close to four figures on a work suit seemed reasonable, but on a pair of party shoes? It’s not like I could have worn them to Woolies to do the grocery shopping. Well I could have, I suppose, but I might have got a few funny looks.
As I agonised about the purchase the shop assistant eyed me with barely discernible impatience - obviously I wasn’t up to her normal class of customer, the type who think it’s reasonable to pay as much for a pair of shoes as most families would pay for a medium-sized white good. ‘They look great,’ she said, ‘and are really quite a bargain.’ Her interpretation of a bargain was an interesting one, but she secured the sale in the end. I guiltily handed over my credit card.
When I got back to Mum’s, I decided to parade my new purchases in front of her, Isabel, and Emma, who’d just got home from work.
‘You look very pretty Mummy,’ said Isabel.
Mum’s brow furrowed. ‘But don’t you lose any more weight Eleanor. You’re far too thin these days.’
My sister, ever tactful, said, ‘Jeez you are skinny at the moment. You look great except your skin looks a bit pasty in the white dress.’
‘Thanks.’
‘No, what I’m saying is I’ll book you in for a spray tan at the salon next Friday night. It’s best to get it done the day before so you don’t stink.’
‘I don’t want to look all orange,’ I said in alarm.
‘Relax…I’m the mistress of the fake tan. You can pay me back by letting me wear your shoes. And if you say no I’ll tell Tony how much they cost.’
‘Well you won’t be wearing them to a bikie pub.’
It was a bit annoying having a sister with the same shoe size. At least when I was living in Hong Kong she wouldn’t be able to borrow my things.
***
Tony arrived back early the following Friday and agreed to pick Isabel up for me.
I dropped by Emma’s salon on the way home from work for my fake tan. As she launched at me with the spray gun she said, ‘Mum’s right, Elle. You’d better not lose any more weight otherwise you’ll have no tits left. Tony will have nothing to latch on to.’
I snorted. ‘Well she’s right about one thing. The younger generation is so crude.
’
‘Would you like me to come over and blow dry your hair tomorrow night, granny? Daniel and I aren’t going out until late. Hey, keep still will you otherwise it’ll be all patchy…’
‘No, it’s okay, I am having highlights done tomorrow afternoon.’
‘You seem to be going to a lot of trouble for this work do,’ she said, screwing up her nose a little. ‘If I didn’t know any better I’d think you were trying to pull.’
‘Of course not. My hair needed doing anyway so I just scheduled my appointment to coincide. Anyway, it’s my last big night before we head overseas so I want to look good. I’m hitting the town with Melanie and the girls afterwards.’
When I arrived home Tony came up and gave me a kiss. I was still getting re-used to that. ‘You should have seen Issy when I picked her up,’ he said. ‘She was so excited I thought she was going to wet her pants.’
‘She’s such a daddy’s girl these days. And she’s been stuck with cranky old mummy for weeks. In fact I think it would be an excellent idea if you spent the whole day with her tomorrow. I’m going to the hairdressers in the afternoon and then to my work dinner dance, remember.’
‘Fair enough,’ he said, ‘although I might go and visit Mum and Dad for a couple of hours. But aren’t partners usually invited to the dinner dance? I wouldn’t have minded going.’
‘Oh…I thought you usually found my work things boring so I didn’t ask you this time. And I’m going out with Melanie and the girls afterwards for a few drinks. It’s my last hurrah.’
‘So I get to have a big night in with Isabel.’
‘That’s okay isn’t it?’
‘Yeah I guess so…I’m pretty exhausted anyway. I’ve got lots of reading to get on with too. But maybe you can pay me back tonight in some way.’
‘I’m sure I can, just as long as you don’t mind the smell of fake tan.’
***
I spent most of the next day perched on the loo. Then my hairdresser was running an hour late, which did nothing to help my anxiety. I didn’t get home till well after 5pm and had to make an immediate beeline for the bedroom to do my makeup and get dressed before the taxi arrived. The dinner dance was being held at a venue in Darling Harbour and Melanie and I organised to share a cab in together.
At 6.45pm I checked myself in the bathroom mirror and ticked all the boxes: the tan looked subtle and natural, my hair glossy and sleek, the dress was subtly sexy, and my shoes sparkled and glittered in concert with my eyes. I knew I hadn’t looked so good in a very long time, maybe even since my wedding day.
When I emerged from the bedroom Tony and Isabel were sitting on the lounge together watching Australia’s Funniest Home Videos. Tony did a double-take when he saw me. ‘God you look amazing! I don’t remember that dress. I’m sure I’d remember that dress. Is it new?’
‘Ah yeah…I bought it the other day. Hope that’s okay.’
‘I’m not complaining. You can buy all the dresses you want if they look like that one. I wish I was going now to show you off.’
Tony didn’t seem to notice my new shoes. I don’t think he could take his eyes off the dress. Just then I heard the taxi’s horn. ‘That’s Melanie. I’d better go. You be a good girl for Daddy,’ I said, kissing Isabel.
‘Make sure you don’t stay out too late,’ Tony called out as I was opening the front door. ‘I’m looking forward to taking that dress off you.’
Melanie’s reaction when she saw me was almost as gobsmacked as Tony’s, although she didn’t express any desire to have her way with me.
Unfortunately for a while there I thought that was going to be the highpoint of the evening. The menu was unoriginal and my chicken overcooked, the managing director gave the longest and most mind-numbingly boring speech of a career noteworthy for its boring speeches, and the repertoire of the five-piece ensemble seemed to consist entirely of the kitsch songs from the 1980s.
We girls danced together. A lot of people had brought their partners and it was diverting for a period to observe their other halves: some couples seemed the perfect match whereas others didn’t at all. A few co-workers looked to be getting cosy, too and I hoped for their sakes it wasn’t just the alcohol talking. I kept my own drinking in check this time; I was planning a long night and didn’t want to make a fool of myself.
Edward danced with me for a couple of dances, although he seemed a bit embarrassed, as if he didn’t quite know where to look.
Alex was there but avoided me all evening. He remained at one of the other tables across the dance floor, hanging with most of the marketing crowd. To all appearances he was having a great time. He danced with Rosanna and then he danced two dances with Amanda. I had a feeling he wasn’t as indifferent to my presence as it appeared: his choice of dance partners seemed too deliberate. But what could I do?
Towards the end of the evening, as coffee and petits fours were being served, the band started playing slow songs and couples began dancing up close. It was no place for us singles so we stood at the periphery and observed. It was moving to see how genuinely some couples still cared for one another. Edward and his wife looked at each other in that loving way. With four young kids that was some achievement.
As I watched my eyes filled with the tears I’d been seeking but now was not the time and I blinked them away. And Melanie said, ‘Hello stranger, you’ve been ignoring us all evening.’
It was Alex.
‘No, I haven’t,’ he said.
‘Yeah we believe you. But don’t worry - we haven’t missed you at all. We’ve had a great time, haven’t we Ellie? Anyway you’ve arrived just as I decided I need desperately to pee so I’m off to the loo. I’m sure you two can think of something to talk about.’
Alex joined me in staring at the dancing couples. ‘Okay you win.’
‘What do you mean?’
‘You’ve made yourself look so incredibly beautiful that I’m powerless to stop myself. I’ve been trying all night and I can’t do it any longer. I’m like a moth to the flame.’
This, of course, had been my plan all along.
‘I just wanted to talk to you. I don’t want us to part on bad terms. I want to say sorry. If I could say sorry a thousand times I would.’
‘I think you already did, didn’t you? I’d rather dance.’
‘Okay.’
He walked towards the dance floor and I followed him. He moved right through the crowd to the middle of the dance floor, squeezing past the loved-up couples and apologising for our intrusion as he went. When we got there he took me in his arms, and we danced together slowly to the bad 80’s love songs. He leant his face on my shoulder, his lips pressed gently against my bare skin.
‘Come home with me,’ he whispered.
‘I can’t. Tony is at home.’
‘Just for a couple of hours. I’m not expecting you to change your mind. I just want to hold you one more time…to say goodbye.’
‘It’s too risky…’
‘Please, it’s all I ask.’ And how could I refuse?
‘I want to…I do…I’m meant to be going out drinking with Melanie and the girls. Maybe if I told her I was going home instead. That would give us a few hours.’
‘Yes please.’
‘Okay, I’ll talk to her.’
The music finished soon after and the lights came on. People blinked self-consciously when they found themselves exposed in the fluorescent brightness. Women smoothed their hair and searched for their handbags, men downed their last drinks and moved slowly towards the exits. The night was officially over.
I sought out Melanie and she said, ‘The girls want to head up to Oxford Street first. Samantha says there’s is a new nightclub there. Then we might end up in the Cross later…’
At this point I sighed heavily and rubbed a point above my left eyebrow dramatically. ‘You know I have quite a bad h
eadache. I think I might just head home to get some sleep instead. You all go out and have a great time without me.’
Melanie rolled her eyes. ‘Don’t lie, Ellie. I know you are really going back to Alex’s place to have sex with him.’
‘What? You knew?’
‘Duh - of course I knew. You two haven’t exactly been discreet about things. If you wanted to have a secret affair you should have chosen to work in an office with much less glass panelling. And as for that “off-site planning meeting” the other week - I mean how stupid do you think I am?’
‘Does anyone else know?’
‘Well I’m your all-seeing-all-knowing secretary so for a while I thought it was only me, but Karen has since said something and lately I’ve heard a bit of gossip doing the traps in marketing. The rumours will not be helped by the clinch you two were just in on the dance floor, either.’
‘Oh no…well it’s just as well I’m leaving then.’
‘But he’s been upset with you about that obviously.’
‘Yeah.’
‘Anyway I’m not judging you. I know what you’ve been through in the last few years. What I was going to say is that I will head out with the girls and text you on the way home where we’ve been so that you can have an alibi for Tony. Then I’ll call you after I’ve had some sleep to add in some colourful details, just in case.’
‘Oh, thank you.’
‘Although I have to say one more thing before I go.’
‘What’s that?’
‘Lucky bitch.’
‘No I’m not. I’ve been doing an absolutely dreadful thing and I now have to leave him anyway.’
‘I know all that, but even so you’re still a lucky bitch. I’m hoping he’s going to move on to me when you’re gone.’
Even though Melanie was being so kind and generous with me - even offering to perjure herself for me - for a brief moment my fourteen year old self almost made a reappearance and I wanted to snap at her, ‘Hand’s off. He’s mine’. But if I no longer thought of Tony as ‘mine’ how could I possibly claim that Alex was? In fact I was willingly going to give him up. After tonight he could go home with whomever he pleased. All I could hope was that it would be some anonymous girl he hadn’t even met yet, not a person from the office, someone I already knew.
Happily Ever After? Page 23