Alex had parked in a nearby car park so I arranged to meet him a few blocks away and made a big show of leaving with Melanie. There was no need to add any more substance to the rumours. I leant my head on his shoulder as he drove the short drive back to his place. He stroked my leg: up and down, up and down.
In his bedroom he lifted my dress over my head and I stood in front of him, naked except for my tiny little underpants and my sparkly high-heeled shoes. I had promised that privilege to my husband, who was sleeping only a few kilometres away. Only tonight, I told myself, I’ll be good after tonight.
And it was just like our first night, except it was our last. That first time we had sought to know one another, on this occasion we wanted to remember. I tried to imprint his essence into my memory: the smell of him, the feel of his skin, the way his hair flopped down in a dark curtain when he was on top of me, the gentle undulations of the muscles in his chest and stomach. These memories had to last me a lifetime and I was determined to make them stick.
It would have been perfect if not for that other in the bed. Not a flight attendant this time, it was another faceless enemy; the future. Although we tried to ignore it and not refer to it by name it kept intruding, that unwelcome third in our threesome.
I asked him about his holiday in Byron Bay.
‘Paul came with me to keep me company. We just lay on the beach and watched the cricket and drank beer.’
‘And how many women did you sleep with?’ I couldn’t help asking.
‘Now let me see - that would be exactly none, although once you get on that plane I’m planning to turn into a total slut. But Paul met a girl - a nice girl called Carla - from Sydney too. She’s a teacher and not at all like the gold-diggers he usually attracts. He went out with her tonight and since he hasn’t come home it looks like he might have got lucky.’
‘That’s great. I hope it works out for him.’
‘Hmm,’ he said and I knew what he was thinking. ‘Actually it’s just as well he didn’t come home because he wouldn’t have approved of this.’
‘Yeah he hates me, doesn’t he?’
‘He doesn’t dislike you as a person. He just thought you’d turn out to be a heartbreaker. And he was right.’
Eleanor the heartbreaker - I would have dreamed of being described that way as a teenager, but now I found the reality wasn’t fun at all.
We talked more about Melanie.
‘I better give up my 007 aspirations then,’ he said. ‘The thing is it’s not only Melanie. I think Amanda suspects.’
‘How come?’
‘She made a pass at me tonight. I thought about taking her up on the offer just to spite you but I dislike her so much I reckon I’d struggle to get it up.’
‘I’m sure you’ve got a few Erecta samples kicking around you could have used.’
‘Doubt they’d even be powerful enough. Anyway, I gave her the excuse that I didn’t like to get involved with co-workers and she said, “unless they are married that is”.’
‘Oh no…it does sound like she might have an idea. Thank God I didn’t bring Tony tonight. I wouldn’t have put it past her to tell him.’
‘Well in my eyes that wouldn’t necessarily be a bad thing. I promise that I am not going to say anything but do you really think you have a solid foundation for a marriage? You have both cheated.’
‘Are you judging me? I think you would have been the last person to complain. I don’t care how attractive you are - there is no way I would ever have gone home with you if Tony had remained the man I married. And you should be hoping he doesn’t find out as he might just kill you.’
‘I’m not judging you. I understand all that completely. But you’re now going to have to go through life living a lie and because you are an ethical person that’s going to be very hard.’
‘You told me you wouldn’t bring this up.’ I turned my back to him. Why did we ever think it would be okay to talk?
‘I’m sorry, I’m sorry baby…I’m such a jerk. Please don’t be angry. The last thing I want to do now is fight with you. I promise I won’t say another word,’ he soothed. He burrowed his face into my neck, kissing me again and again until my anger had to cede its place to desire and we made love again, this time for the very last time.
An hour or so before dawn I lay with my head on his chest while he twirled my hair into little corkscrews around his finger, over and over. I must have dozed off briefly, only to be woken by the chime of my mobile phone.
‘That must be Melanie,’ I said. ‘Is it that time already?’ But when I checked my messages it wasn’t from Melanie. It was Tony saying: r u ok?
‘Shit!’
‘What’s the matter?’
‘It’s Tony wondering where I am. What’s he doing awake? I better go.’
‘No - not yet.’
‘I’ve got to. Can you call me a taxi while I get dressed? I can’t risk you driving me home.’
I texted Tony back: Fine home soon.
A few minutes later Melanie’s message came through.
The taxi came too quickly and sounded its horn.
Alex had thrown on some clothes and followed me downstairs. As the taxi idled I gestured to the driver: one more minute please.
I turned to Alex, my hands pressing his arms in a firm hold. ‘Thank you, thank you for everything. Please know that letting you go is almost the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do in my life…second only to saying goodbye to my baby son.’
‘But you’re not in love with me are you? Not the way I am about you.’
‘No, you’re wrong. I am in love with you. If nothing else I’ve realised that these last few weeks. If it was a simple choice between you and my husband there wouldn’t be one. But I haven’t got that choice and I’ve got to do what’s best. I know you will meet someone else soon and she will be the luckiest girl in the world.’
‘But if it doesn’t work out, remember I’m still first in the queue.’
‘There’ll be no-one else in the queue.’
Then I kissed him for the last time, and because he wouldn’t, I had to be the one to pull away in the end. As the taxi drove off I turned around to see him still standing there, just watching.
The drive was quick - too quick for me to get my bearings. I was home in five minutes. I removed my sandals and tried to enter the house as silently as possible - ‘click, clack’, the sound of the front door lock seemed to reverberate through the night - and then fidgeted and twitched fruitlessly in the living room, hoping that if I waited long enough Tony might fall asleep again…
He emerged from the bedroom a minute or two later, wearing nothing but boxers. ‘I thought I heard the door. I didn’t know you were planning to be out so late.’
‘Oh, sorry about that.’
‘Did you have a good time?’
‘Yeah, great.’
‘I woke up after a couple of hours and haven’t been able to sleep since. I’m so turned on by you in that dress. Come to bed will you.’
Oh my God, what am I going to do?
‘Oh sweetheart,’ I said, ‘I know I promised but I’m really tired.’
‘That’s fine,’ he said, in a manner that suggested it was anything but.
‘If you let me sleep in a bit, I promise I will make it up to you tonight with interest. We can get a babysitter and go out to dinner first if you like.’
‘Alright - I might as well go back to sleep myself then.’
‘Thanks darling.’ I knew a kiss and hug would have been appropriate at this point but I wasn’t game to risk it. ‘I’m just going to have a shower first. I feel sweaty from all the dancing.’
I went to the main bathroom so I wouldn’t disturb him and turned the shower volume up as high as it would go. The spray hit me in a powerful burst. Then I turned the heat up so the water was almost scalding and sc
rubbed all traces of Alex from my skin and hair. The heavy jet of water was designed to serve two purposes: to wash away the sins of my past and to drown out the noise from the heaving sobs that rocked my stricken body that sad November morning.
***
The events of which I have just written are very recent. Only a few weeks have elapsed since they took place.
My future, of course, depends on Tony never knowing any of this, so I am going to leave the whole thing with Melanie for safe keeping. I’m not sure what I’m ever going to do with it. I might rewrite my story in a few years, disguised as fiction as Alex suggested, but more likely I will do precisely nothing. The process has been therapeutic just the same.
I knew I had some ground to make up with Tony that Sunday so I set about seducing him not once, but twice: the first occasion that afternoon whilst Isabel was in the other room watching, of all things, the digitally-remastered ‘Snow White’ on DVD, and the second after the babysitter had left, when I sidled up to him wearing my new dress and heels, but nothing else. The next day he left, satisfied, to commence his training in Hong Kong.
I still had four more days of work to go. Alex was there. His anger had been replaced by resignation but we restricted our conversations to work-related ones. We’d said our goodbyes in the best possible way and there was nothing really left to say. On Friday afternoon we all had a glass of celebratory wine: just Edward, Alex, Melanie, Karen and me. Edward gave a little speech about what a pleasure it had been to work with me and then Alex was obliged to do the same.
I think Edward was the only one who had no idea.
On our last night together I had told Alex one last lie, but this lie was for good reason. I told him that I was leaving Sydney the following week, whereas I actually remained in Sydney for another month or so. With Christmas looming we thought it silly to uproot ourselves and Issy was keen to perform her starring role (literally, she played the star the Three Wise Men followed) in the preschool Christmas pageant. After the removalists had been, Issy, Meggs and I moved in with Mum and Dad and then over Christmas and New Year, when Tony had leave, we (minus the cat - he’s boarding with my parents for the time being) stayed with Pamela and Douglas.
On New Year’s Eve we went on a harbour cruise with a group of Tony’s friends to watch the fireworks and I wore my new dress again so that he could show me off. As the clock struck in 2007 he kissed me extravagantly in front of all his mates, which took me by surprise as he’s never been one for the grand gestures. All the holiday period he was attentive to me - his mother confused and disconcerted by this. I now realise how much this new start on life means to him, how much his previous unhappiness had been tied up in his professional frustrations and associated sense of self-worth. I hope it delivers the satisfaction he seeks.
I also hope I can fall in love with him again, because at the moment I’m just playing a part.
It took me a while to work out why my ribs felt broken. It was because those bloody people had come along and removed my heart again. For weeks now I have laughed and joked and gone to work and packed boxes and shopped for clothes and cheered my daughter on at Christmas pageants and all the time I have had no heart. I think to most people I appear the same, but the empty, aching feeling between my ribs tells a different story.
Still, it’s amazing how efficient you can be without one. I organised the sale of our house and the entire move to Hong Kong with a gaping empty hole in my chest - I’m a bona fide medical marvel. I think David should write me up as a case study for one of the cardiology journals.
The thing that has kept me going is that I have prior experience with this. I know if I just wait long enough it will get better. I just have to be patient…again.
And even now - it’s been almost six weeks - I do feel a little more settled.
Thus I find myself starting a new life in Hong Kong, with my husband and daughter and hopefully another baby before too long. Alex must become a secret but beloved part of my past.
I was so disciplined those last few weeks in Sydney. I wanted to call him every hour of every day. Sometimes I even got as far as picking up the phone, but I talked myself out of it every time. I am so proud of myself about that.
It was only when I made it through the airport departure gates that I felt safe to indulge myself. In the Duty Free store I bought some Dolce and Gabbana aftershave. Not for Tony, just for me. I knew I was being foolish and sentimental but I couldn’t help myself.
19
Discovering the Bay
I thought my short but brilliant writing career had run its course but I’m finding I still have the creative urge. I’m now thinking of starting up my own blog about the expat lifestyle - the pilot’s wife blog market seemingly already cornered - horrible egotist that I am. Let’s face it, I don’t have that much else to do at present. I had a tentative look at the local pharmaceutical job market but Tony is not at all keen on me working because he wants Issy and me to accompany him on a few overseas trips this year.
That was the plan when Tony and I first got married but because I was working full-time those romantic getaways at company expense hardly ever eventuated - part of the problem, possibly. This year, before Issy starts school, must be the year then. Planning a few trips to Europe should also help with the homesickness I’m currently battling. Art galleries and restaurants in Paris sound like the perfect medicine for me.
Of course the other, implicit, reason I’m not looking for work is that we are hoping for another baby. At least I think I am hoping for it - for some reason after my last pregnancy I’m not exactly storming the barricades to embrace motherhood again. In any case we have both agreed that we are not going to get hung up on it. If it happens it happens. We’re following the herbalist’s instructions, and I’m taking her foul potions and my prenatal vitamins, but my conception obsession is over. That was definitely part of the problem. Our new philosophy with respect to sex is ‘recreation, not reproduction’. Yes, Tony and I are actually discussing things in advance - alert the media - and so far so good.
It’s now late January and we’ve been here almost four weeks. There is an impressive mountain behind Discovery Bay and the three of us went for a hike up there last Sunday. Isabel started whining that her legs were hurting before we’d even ascended halfway so poor Tony had to piggyback her most of the way, but we all agreed it was worth it in the end. It was an unusually clear day for around here so when we reached the summit we were treated to a panoramic view of our new home town, Kowloon and the New Territories and, glinting through the haze, the skyscrapers of downtown Hong Kong. Get away from the main settlements and Lantau Island is remarkably untouched and unexpectedly beautiful. Initial impressions that we’d moved permanently to a holiday resort have faded but it still feels less like China than I expected.
There are twenty-odd thousand people living in Discovery Bay. Apparently after you’ve been here a while it becomes, like any town of similar size, an ‘everybody knows everybody’ situation. About three quarters of the residents are expats: Aussies, Brits, Americans and quite a few Europeans. The expats like DB because it’s more family-orientated than Hong Kong Island and it is possible to live in a house here without bankrupting yourself. DB real estate would hardly be considered cheap but the rents for some places on the island are astronomical.
On top of all the professionals and their families are legions of Filipino domestic workers, often called amahs.* There are Chinese people too, of course, but I’ve seen suburbs of Sydney where they are more conspicuous.
The DB supermarket stocks Western food, a lot of it familiar Australian brands, the restaurants in the plaza serve pizza and pasta, the local bookstore is a Dymocks and Isabel can still nag me every day for lunch at McDonalds, causing me to occasionally ask myself: did I ever leave home?
However, a twenty-five minute ferry trip to Central Hong Kong is all it takes to remind you that you are
in Asia: the noise; the traffic; the neon; the crowds; the bustle; the smells; the constant building works; the glistening glass office towers and luxury brand shops happy to share space with flimsily-constructed street stalls selling cheap clothes and souvenirs, live fish, flowers and hanging meats.
The pace of life is frantic. People slam doors in your face, even when you are holding your child’s hand and don’t think twice about pushing in front of you in line if you hesitate for a second. The quaint British custom of queuing obviously never took off in this former colonial outpost.
Tony would hate to live in the chaos of the city but Discovery Bay almost looks like it was designed with him in mind. At heart he is a man of simple needs: work, family, golf, a gym to work out in, food, sex and sailing - probably in that order too. All are accessible here, although some (I’m talking golf and sailing, not sex) seem to come with a hefty price tag.
The only things about Sydney he will really miss are his school friends, parents and brother and the Wallabies, and none of these deprivations is unsurmountable. There is a rugby sevens tournament here every March and he can catch the other games on satellite. As for family and friends, well, the family is entitled to cheap flights and lots of his mates are finance types who come to Hong Kong regularly themselves.
Andy is talking about visiting soon too, which will be brilliant. I can’t wait to go shopping with him. (Honestly, when is the guy going to come out? There isn’t a heterosexual man on the planet who genuinely likes shopping.)
Yes, I think Discovery Bay will suit my husband well. He has already made an effort to cultivate a few friendships amongst the locals, by joining the Marina Club and hitting the golf course for a couple of outrageously priced rounds. After putting on a couple of kilos over Christmas, I’ve signed up for the gym in a panic but need to follow his lead and seek out a few social outlets myself.
Happily Ever After? Page 24