We are going to stay with Mum and Dad for a while, Is and I. We both need some stability. My parents were totally floored when I told them and for the first time I regretted keeping the past a secret. Right now they are beyond angry with Tony, angrier than I am because it’s all news to them. They called up David in a rage and then he called me: ‘God I’m so sorry. You know, I always thought you were wrong for each other. I almost said so at the time but Amrita told me it wasn’t my place to interfere and you’d only get the shits with me.’
‘Amrita was right. I wouldn’t have listened to you. Anyway,’ I said, feeling a touch defensive, ‘we were together twelve years in all and have a beautiful daughter. It wasn’t that big a flop.’ Older siblings never lose their capacity to make you feel permanently eight years old.
As I’m sitting here, it has just occurred to me that I have quite novel bookends to my marriage. The first evening of my engagement I spent several hours vomiting over a toilet bowl and the evening I found out the full extent of my husband’s deception I was doing much the same. It would almost be funny but I’m discovering there is nothing funny about a marriage breakup. I’d imagined it so many times when things were at their lowest ebb, but I never imagined it would feel like this. Why couldn’t we have broken up when he was being cruel or indifferent to me, when Isabel was too young to comprehend? Instead it happened at a time when I’d been granted a glimpse of what my life might have been like if we hadn’t lost our dear little William that sad Olympic September over six years ago now.
Yeah, I’m feeling embarrassed and a little angry but mostly I’m just feeling sad.
‘Surely not so sad?’ I feel some of you are saying. What about Alex? Isn’t this my escape route, my get out of jail free card? I can go back to Sydney with my reputation intact and reclaim the man I have secretly been in love with all these months, the man behind the abduction of my heart. That’s what he asked me to do isn’t it? Yes? No?
Maybe not.
A few days ago, before everything blew up, I received this email from Melanie. Don’t let her jokey, chaotic writing style fool you. I know her very well and I know she chose her words deliberately and very, very carefully. Read it yourself:
Hi babe,
Thanks for the newsy email and the cute pictures of Isabel at HK Disneyland. Sorry I haven’t gotten back to you before now. We are all missing you so much. Make sure you come back to visit us soon. And I’m still waiting for that present you promised me, you stingy bitch.
It was okay over Christmas without you but now it’s all back to work and I think it’s finally sunk in that you’re not coming back. Anyway, we finally have a replacement for you. It’s a guy and get this his name is Wally Patterson. Can you believe it? Some cruel parents named their son Wally! I couldn’t say his name without giggling for ages but I’m getting used to it now. But when I told Bruce about it he didn’t think it was funny at all. I hate men sometimes. He said there was once a famous footballer player called Wally but of course I’d never heard of him because I can’t stand football. Anyway our Wally seems nice enough but it’s not like having you here.
We’ve just come back from a weeks’ holiday down the coast at Mollymook and it rained almost the whole time. We are having a shit summer this year. December was okay but January it’s rained almost all the time. You must have taken the weather with you. I almost killed the boys by the time the week was over. We got stuck in this tiny flat with crap regional TV and I had to let them play their Playstation the whole time and they went completely feral. Fortunately Bruce took them out fishing on one of the only two sunny days so I took myself off for a brand new set of acrylics to cheer me up. So I came back from a week’s holiday without a hint of a tan. Not fair.
By the way I have hidden your ‘secret document’ as requested.
Which brings me to something I have been wondering whether I should tell you about but I’ve decided I will because I thought it might help you a bit with getting on with your life and stuff.
It was Edward’s fortieth birthday party last Saturday night and we were all invited (doesn’t the guy have enough friends or something?). Karen and I went together because Karen’s husband was OS and Bruce would have been bored and I didn’t want to pay for a babysitter. Anyway Alex was there too and he brought a new girl.
At first I thought it was his sister because she looked almost exactly like her, but then I noticed they were holding hands. I get on well with my brother but I don’t hold hands with him! So when I got introduced to her I did some spying. Her name is Natalie and she works with Alex’s flatmate, whatever his name is. They met at some party on New Year’s Eve and have been seeing each other ever since. She seemed nice enough and quite pretty but not a patch on you of course. Alex seemed a bit nervous around me but I didn’t say anything because we’ve always pretended that I didn’t know about you two.
I hope I’ve done the right thing in telling you and you’re not too upset. I figured you’d find out eventually anyway. I’d better get back to work now so I don’t get the sack. Hope all is going well with Issy and Tony and being a full-time mum. Write soon.
Love
Mel xxx
I’ve read this email so many times and lingered carefully over every single word. No matter how many times I read it the final interpretation I come to is never a good one.
‘Eleanor Parkes speaking.’
‘It’s Alex, Ellie.’
‘Oh…hello…It didn’t work out, but I guess you’ve heard that.’
‘Yes, I heard. The question is why didn’t you let me know?’
‘I did. I told Melanie to tell you.’
‘I mean why didn’t you call yourself? And Melanie said you’ve been back for several weeks!’
‘I don’t know. My life is such a complicated mess at present
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House hunting
I thought you’d be better off not getting involved. Besides, I wasn’t sure you’d want to hear from me after I found out you were seeing someone else.’
‘Yeah everyone kept telling me I needed to move on - including you, remember, but it’s not serious.’
‘That’s not what I heard.’
‘Bloody Melanie - didn’t you think it would have been better to ask me? Anyway, it’s only been two months. How serious could it be?’
‘I seem to remember that we were pretty serious after two months.’
‘Hmm, I suppose that’s true. But take my word for it - it’s not serious. So what happened? Melanie says he was fooling around all that time.’
‘With the same woman too. I met her, would you believe? But the irony is that he had ended it…just at the time we…so I wasn’t imagining that. It’s just that it went on so long. I can’t forgive him that.’
‘So you’re not going back?’
‘The thing is he’s so desperate, it’s pathetic. At first Mum wanted to kill him but now even she is saying maybe I should give him another chance…for Isabel and all…as I said it’s complicated. But no, I’ve decided I can’t do it any more. And now I’ve found there is something I need to talk to you about - soonish if possible. No obligations - just a chat - but it’s not something I can talk about on the phone. Are you free this Saturday?’
‘No sorry, we’re going to the races. It has to be soon, does it?’
‘Yes.’
‘I’m out tomorrow night too, but I could see you this evening - just for a drink after work, if you’d like.’
‘Umm, I think I should be able to manage that but not before six-thirty or so. I’d like to get Issy settled down before I head out. We’re still staying with my parents at the moment. Where do you want to meet?’
‘Is the Exchange in Balmain okay?’
‘Okay, six-thirty then. I’ll only call you if there’s a problem.’
It’s now mid-March and we’ve been back a
bout seven weeks. The conversation with Alex happened only two days ago, on a Thursday morning. That evening I met him at the pub as planned. It’s been an unseasonably cool March and light rain had been falling all day. I was pleased as it gave me the chance to wear my new dove-grey trench coat over a black jersey shift dress. I’d picked up the coat for a song in Hong Kong and it was my favourite new purchase. I’ve always fancied the secret agent look so I pulled the collar up and pretended I was on an assignation. I suppose I was in a way.
I was on time, Alex a little late. I ordered a drink and perched on a bar stool near a window, feeling self-conscious the way I always do when I’m alone in a pub. It was quite unlike Alex to be late and until that moment it hadn’t occurred to me that he might stand me up, but before I could work myself into a proper panic he called to say he’d been caught in traffic and was five minutes away.
He walked through the door a few minutes later, wearing my favourite suit of his, a charcoal pinstripe, his hair damp and heavy from the rain. He looked unspeakably gorgeous and my stomach contracted in a sad little mix of want and regret at the sight of him.
I’d vowed to myself that I would remember everything, but even in our short time apart I’d forgotten how beautiful he was.
‘Hi,’ he said. ‘Mind if I get a beer first? Bad day. You okay for a drink?’
‘I’m fine.’
I was not the only one who noticed him. Three young blondes, so similar looking they might have been cloned, started tittering amongst themselves when they saw him approach the bar. At the urging of the others, one of them spoke to him.
He walked back to me, beer in hand.
‘I see you have a fan club,’ I said.
‘What do you mean?’
‘Those girls.’
‘No, she only wanted to know what the time was.’
‘Well seeing both her friends are wearing watches, I think she might have had other ideas.’
He glanced around and said, ‘Oh…you’d think I’d have learnt by now. This is all a bit strange, isn’t it? You’re looking good by the way.’
‘Thanks.’
‘And you’ve got another job. I hear they are a good company to work for.’
‘It’s just a maternity leave position but it’s perfect for now. I still need to decide what I want to do long term. I’m looking after an antidepressant, which makes a change from limp willies I suppose and a lot more relevant to my personal situation.’
‘You’re not depressed, are you?’
‘Considering my current situation I think it would be more strange if I wasn’t depressed. But don’t worry - I’m not planning to top myself or anything. How’s everything going with you? Melanie says Erecta is doing well.’
‘Yeah, good. Your replacement is not as talented as you…I mean at marketing, [He couldn’t help a smile here.] but he’s learning. So what’s the great mystery you couldn’t tell me about on the phone?’
‘I wouldn’t mind finding a more private place to sit first. Mind if we move upstairs?’
‘God, is it that bad? How about the restaurant? I didn’t get lunch today and I’m starving. Have you eaten?’
‘No, not yet.’
We moved upstairs to the restaurant. The waiter smiled in acknowledgment at Alex, who was clearly a regular. Then he gave me a curious look, suggesting that my companion had probably been coming here with his new girlfriend too.
I unbuttoned my coat and sat down.
He stared at me for a few seconds before saying, ‘You’re pregnant.’
‘Yes.’
‘For a while there I was thinking you must have got too keen on the dim sum in Hong Kong.’
‘How rude!’
‘I didn’t say you looked the worse for it. You know I always preferred you with a few extra curves.’
The waiter came over to offer us a menu. Alex said, ‘Sorry mate, I’m really hungry. Could you hold on so we can order straight away?’ He ordered a steak and I chose a salad.
After the waiter had moved beyond earshot Alex said, ‘So this is the complication is it?’
‘Yes.’
‘And your husband thinks this baby is this reason you should get back together.’
‘No…I know it sounds stupid but he doesn’t even know about the baby yet. I think I’ve been a bit in denial about the whole thing. I realised almost straight away when I got back - which is the main reason I didn’t call you by the way - I’ve needed this time to decide what I really want to do…not that I was thinking about a termination or anything…Anyway, it’s just as well I did wait…and now comes the difficult bit…because I went to have an ultrasound to screen for Downs yesterday and found out that I am more pregnant than I thought. I am closer to sixteen weeks than eleven. At first I was pleased - I am so huge already I was worried that I was going to have a baby elephant - but then I did the sums and…’
‘Mmm.’
‘This baby was conceived in late November.’
‘Are you saying it’s mine?’
‘No, I’m saying I don’t know…but it could be yours.’
‘I thought you were taking the pill.’
‘I stopped it only a few days beforehand because Tony and I were going to start trying again. I wasn’t actually planning to sleep with you that night, you know. I have never been very fertile and assumed it would take months. I never dreamed…I am so sorry.’
‘Oh.’
‘I thought about winging it - going back to Tony and pretending it was his - but what if it isn’t? I can’t imagine I would be able to pass off a little dark baby as his. I decided that I have to come clean. Not that it means I expect anything - anything - from you. I am well aware you said you wanted a say in when you have kids.’
‘I still can’t work out why you are telling me and not him?’
‘I will tell him straight away after I leave here. I just have a feeling that he’s going to guess who the other guy is. I wanted you to hear it from me rather than from the irate husband. You are probably fortunate that he happens to be in London at the present as I expect he is going to be very, very angry.’
‘That would be a bit rich considering he’s had his bit on the side for years.’
‘I know, but I don’t think logic necessarily comes into these things.’
He sat silent for a while before saying, ‘I think I need time to process this, if that’s okay.’
‘I’m sure you do. You must be so angry with me. I’m surprised you haven’t walked out.’
He smiled at me wryly. ‘I’m too hungry. We may as well eat.’
So, bizarrely, we sat and ate dinner and pretended as if I hadn’t just turned his life upside down. Well, he ate; I didn’t have much of an appetite. I filled him in on the whole sorry Wendy Wong saga and my husband’s double life.
‘And all that time you were feeling guilty,’ he said eventually.
‘Yeah, well my marriage is definitely over now. I’m going to go flat hunting this Saturday. I have to buy a car, too. I’ve been borrowing Mum’s for too long. I should eventually get quite a bit of money from the sale of the house - we got a really good price - but I feel Tony may get nasty about that in the divorce settlement. The worst thing is poor little Isabel, she keeps asking for her daddy. I feel terrible about that…I hope we can work things out so that she doesn’t get more hurt than necessary by all this.’
‘Children are more resilient than you think. I lost my father very young. At least her dad is still alive.’
‘Yeah, I guess so…’
After we’d finished dinner he walked me back to my car. And I said sorry again.
‘No, I have to accept some responsibility for this. You suggested we use protection.’
When we got to the car he made a move to kiss me goodbye but hesitated halfway. We both retreated awkwardly, looking more
like two virginal teenagers than the mature grown-ups we supposedly were. I escaped to my car, opened my hand in a quick wave, and drove off.
Things had gone much better than I’d expected: there had been no denial, no anger, no accusations. So why did I feel so much worse than before? I drove on a little way before the answer came to me, an answer so blindingly obvious it should have whacked me across the face. It was because there had been no denial and no anger and no accusations. There was no mystery man. He was who he’d always said he was.
And now I had to tell my husband.
After I was sure Issy was fast asleep, I rang him on his mobile. I knew he was in London on a layover, and the time difference meant it would be mid-morning. On this occasion I was glad to have an excuse not to impart the information face-to-face. His phone rang out before going to voicemail. Phew, I thought, leaving a non-committal message.
Ah, but my reprieve was all too temporary. He called back almost immediately.
‘Hi,’ he said eagerly, ‘you wanted to speak to me? Are you finally reconsidering? I miss you both so much.’
‘No I’m not reconsidering. I’m sorry about keeping you apart from Isabel but our marriage is over. Anyway, by the time we finish this conversation I promise you won’t want me back.’
There was a slight delay on the line.
‘What do you mean?’
I took a deep breath for the second time that night and said, ‘I’m pregnant.’
‘What? I don’t understand…isn’t that more of a reason for us to get back together?’
‘You may not be the father.’
There was another delay.
‘Do you mean that you are already seeing someone else?’ His tone had changed.
‘No, I mean I had a…brief relationship…with someone else while we were still together…but when I thought we were going to split up.’
‘So all that time you let me crawl and grovel in front of you, and you…you were just as bad.’
Happily Ever After? Page 27