by Carian Cole
I lean back in the chair and meet her blue eyes. "Let's say he's not rich but he's comfortable."
She rests her chin on her palm and muddles this all around in her mind. "Yeah, I would. Older guys are better."
"Why is that?"
"They're more mature, usually. More experienced. Probably out of the playing-video-games-all-day phase, which is really fucking annoying. Older men give younger women a sense of security, I think. Like they can take care of us in every way. Physically, emotionally, financially. I think all women secretly want to be treated like spoiled little girls."
I nod and stare down into my mug, wondering if Kenzi thinks of me that way. It wouldn't be bad, because I want to take care of her, but I also want her to have fun with me and be able to enjoy her youth. I don't want to force her to grow up.
"Why all the questions, Toren?"
"I'm curious. I met someone younger..."
Her ice blue eyes hone in on me like two bright beacons cutting through fog.
"Holy shit," she breathes out slowly. "It finally happened."
"What?"
"You and Kenzi Valentine. I knew it!" She smacks her palm down on the table triumphantly. "I always knew something was there between you two."
"Tessie, don't be crazy." I scoff at her but fear snakes through me. I didn't think she would figure me out so quickly. I thought I could just nonchalantly pick her brain to see if I could get some insight on how a younger girl would feel about dating an older guy. Now she's got me cornered.
She tilts her head at me. "Seriously, Tor? Come on. Stop the bullshit. Obviously you need to talk so let's just drop the charade, okay?"
It's hard to admit, but she hit the nail right on the head. I do need someone to talk to before I lose my mind from keeping this all bottled up inside me. I know I can talk to Lukas, but the fact that he's related to Kenzi and Asher still makes me nervous. I need to talk to someone who's not personally invested in Kenzi.
"You have to promise that this stays between us, Tess."
"Of course it will. You look like you're about to have a mental break down. Your eyebrow is twitching. I knew something was up when you took off a few weeks ago. Were you with her? Is that why you went away for the weekend?"
"No, I was alone. But things were starting to happen and I needed to get away to think. Usually I talk to Asher about everything, ya know? But I can't tell him I'm freakin' in love with his kid."
Her mouth falls open. "Wow. I never thought I'd actually hear you admit it."
"What's the point in lying to you? I love her. Like I want to marry her."
"Whoa," she puts her hand up. "Let's back it up, cowboy. She's eighteen."
"I know. I don't mean tomorrow, Tess. But someday, when she's ready to make that commitment. That's what I want."
Her eyes are wide and glassy as she reaches across the table and grabs my hand. "My God, Tor. I knew you had a thing for each other, but marriage? That's a huge step for her to even think about at her age. Asher will flip his fucking lid."
"Why do you think I'm so fucked up?"
"And what about her? How does she feel?"
"She loves me, too. She wants the same things I want."
"Yeah, today, maybe. But she's eight-fucking-teen. Look how much I've changed in the past two years, Tor. Am I the same person I was when I was eighteen?" She raises her eyebrows at me.
"In some ways yes and others no."
"Exactly."
"So you don't think it can last? You think she'll just change? Want someone else?" I try to picture Kenzi with another man and I can't. I can't even force that scenario in my head. My mind goes blank. I can only see Kenzi with me, and I can only see myself with her.
"I don't know. But I think it’s a very big possibility."
I pull my hand away from hers. "This isn't helping me." I grumble.
"I'm trying to be honest, and you have to hear it. But on the other hand, Tor...you guys have obviously have had some kind of deep connection for years that hasn't gone away, right? So maybe it can last. I know this is hard, but only time will tell."
"I guess you're right," I nod. "But let's just say she and I date. Do you think we look weird together? Does she look too young? Do I look old? I don't want people staring at us."
"I know you have mirrors in your house, Tor. You're not fat and bald, for God's sake. You look great. Your body is like a damn Greek God. And you've still got that rock star look going on with the hair and tattoos. So no, you don't look old," she pauses to sip her coffee. "And don't even get me started on Kenzi. That girl is gorgeous. And she doesn't even have to try, it's so unfair. She doesn't look or act eighteen, so I think once again, you're okay if you're worried about visual appearances."
"Well, that makes me feel better."
"What about conversation? Do you have things to talk about? Things in common? She hasn't turned into a babbling idiot, right?"
"Definitely not. That's not a problem for us at all. We've always had great conversations."
"How about sex? Have you slept with her?"
Memories of Kenzi on top of me last night and holding her in my arms for hours afterwards float through my mind. "Yesterday was the first time we ever slept together. And it was fucking amazing."
She sighs. "A little bit TMI, but I'm glad to hear you at least waited. The age of consent is sixteen, ya know. So It's nice you waited 'til she was eighteen."
"I'm not an asshole, Tesla. I do have some morals left."
"Were you her first?"
"Yes."
She gapes at me again. "Wow. Talk about setting the bar. My first guy was a scrawny sixteen year old who barely knew where to stick it. She's going to compare every guy in her life to you. That's going to be a tough act to follow."
"Don't even say that."
"Ya know, if you guys do somehow make this work, it's wicked romantic. For you to be her first and only for her entire life? That's just crazy awesome. And the fact that you'd wait for her to grow up to marry her? It's like an epic fairytale." She stares off across the room with a giddy smile on her face. "It's like every little girl’s dream. To find the Prince."
"I'm not sure I'm much of a Prince."
"In her eyes you are."
"So if we were together, you'd be okay with it?"
"Why wouldn't I be? I want you to be happy, and I like Kenzi. I hate that bitch Sydni and Lisa is just stuck up."
"She's not stuck up, you just have to get to know her."
"I'll pass. Are you still dating her, too?"
"Fuck no. I'm not seeing anyone else at all. I haven't even slept with anyone for over six months. The minute I started having feelings for Kenzi, I just couldn't do it."
"Impressive."
"No, it's love. I only want her. That's it."
"Mom will be ecstatic. She totally thinks you're gay."
I sputter into my coffee. "What? Are you fucking kidding?"
Laughing, she nods. "Yup. She's been really worried about you lately and thought you were hiding in the closet. I think she'll be glad to find out you're in love with a woman, even if it is Kenzi. Mom likes her, she's all into the animal stuff. She fits right in."
Jesus Christ. I wonder if that rumor has been floating around town and for how long.
"I can't believe this shit. And yeah, she does fit into my life. That's important to me. I'm never going to give up Devils’ Wolves."
"So let's talk about your biggest hurdle, because it's not anything between you and Kenzi. You two seem to be fine. It's Asher, right?"
"Yup."
"Does he have any idea? Have either of you dropped any hints?"
"No."
"Maybe you should start. Ease him into it slowly. He probably already has some kind of inkling, Tor. Even I knew and I really don't pay much attention to anyone around me."
That's true. Tessie has always been stuck in her own head and a bit on the unsocial side.
"I've run a million different imaginary conversations with h
"He knows you, Tor. He knows you're not the kind of guy to do something like that. You've taken care of her for her entire life. He knows how much you love her."
"See that's what I'm worried about. What you just said. You don't think it's sick that I can feel this way for her when I took care of her when she was a baby? What does that say about me?"
"I don't think it’s that black and white; you're not related to her. Even though you babysat her, and she called you uncle, you were still just a friend, Tor. That's what you have to focus on. You're a friend who helped your friends take care of their kid because they were only fifteen years old when they had her. You were just a kid yourself. You pretty much grew up with her. None of this is a normal situation, so how could there have been a normal result?"
I lean my elbows on the table and put my pounding head in my hands. "I don't know. I just want us to be able to be together and be happy, but I feel like people will crucify me."
"Stop beating yourself up, Toren. You haven't done anything wrong. You fell in love. Look at the world we live in. Falling in love with your best friend’s daughter who's fifteen years younger than you is nothing in the grand scheme of things, trust me. She's a legal adult now and she can make her own decisions. 'Nuff said."
"We're afraid of throwing Asher over the edge. He's all fucked up over Ember still. I don't think he can take another blow."
"I understand that, and it’s great that you both care about him, but you and Kenzi deserve to have your happiness. The world didn't stop just because of what happened to his wife. I know it sucks and it's devastating and heartbreaking and I hate to be harsh, but that’s the facts, Tor. You can't tip toe around him forever."
She stands, comes around the table, and puts her arms around me. "You're a good guy. You took care of all of us when Daddy died, and you took care of Kenzi and Asher when they needed you. You deserve to be happy. And if Asher can't see that you're the best guy in the world for his daughter? Then he's insane. No one will love her like you do."
"Thanks, kiddo," I squeeze her arm. "I just have to get my head straight."
"You will." She lets me go and crosses her arms to study me. "You're just going to have to be patient with her, Tor. As mature as she might be, she's still young, just like me. We want to have fun, be a little stupid sometimes, sow some oats, ya know?"
"I know."
"So if she acts crazy sometimes, you're going to have to let her. Have fun with her, don't be too serious. You're the boyfriend now, not the uncle. You can't control her and assert authority over her or she'll resent you."
I hadn't really thought about all that yet. I wonder if when Kenzi turns twenty-one if she'll be one of those girls that wants to go to clubs and stay out all night partying. I already went through that. I can't picture her doing that based on how she is now, but Tesla's right—who knows what the future will bring?
"Great."
"Tor..." she warns. "Just take it one day at a time."
I nod at her, still feeling overwhelmed. "I'll try."
"And smile." She adds.
"I'm smiling on the inside." I tease, grinning.
"Not good enough."
"I'll work on it." My cell phone vibrates in my pocket and I pull it out to see a text from Kenzi on my screen.
Kenzi: I got maybe two seconds of sleep last night. I can't stop thinking about you.
"See? Now that's a smile," Tesla says, eyeing me. "Lemme guess. A text from Kenzi?"
"Yeah."
Me: I know the feeling. ;) Get some sleep, Angel. I'm going to see you soon. At Tesla's now then going to the shop. I'll call you when I get there. I love you.
Kenzi: Tell her I said hi. I love you, too. Sooooo much.
"Okay, Tor. I said smile, not look like the joker." My sister teases.
I put my phone away and grin at her. "This is what she does to me. She says hi, by the way."
"Tell her I said hi back when you talk to her."
"I will. I should get going, I'm supposed to be at work." I stand and push my chair under the table. "Thanks for the talk, Tess."
"I'm glad you came to me. I love you a lot, ya know."
"I love you, too."
"You and Kenzi can come here together anytime. I won't tell anyone. If you just want to hang out with another person someplace safe... you're both welcome here. Or if she needs someone to talk to, she can come to me. I haven't talked to her in a while, but I still think of her as a friend."
"Thanks. That might be good for her. Her friend Chloe is kind of spastic so neither one of us really trust her to not accidentally slip up if she knew." She walks with me to her door. "And don't leave that much cash laying around in the open anymore." I advise, still worried about that pile of money she's got. I've seen people get stabbed for less money than that.
"Don't worry, I'm taking it to the bank later."
"Good. I'll talk to you soon."
26
Kenzi
Kenzi ~ age two
Tor ~ age seventeen
Kenzi loves the park. sometimes on the weekends when Ash and Ember want to get some alone time, I grab one of the dogs from my mom’s shelter and I take them both to the park to get some air and exercise.
The autumn air is crisp as we walk through the park, and Kenzi and the dog are both enjoying kicking up the leaves and hearing them crunch under their feet. A pretty girl around my age with short blonde hair is walking towards us with a small dog along the path that winds around the lake. As we approach each other, her dog starts to get all excited and runs to us, dragging the girl with her on a long leash.
Laughing, I kneel down to pet the tan wiggling dog.
"I'm sorry," she says breathlessly. "She gets excited to see people and other dogs."
"That's okay, at least she's friendly."
"Your dog is much calmer. I think mine might need to go back to puppy class."
"He's not mine. He's a rescue from the shelter, and he's about ten years old. I volunteer there so I take one out every weekend to get some exercise."
She smiles at me. "That's really sweet of you to do. I just moved nearby, so I'll be here a lot on the weekends, too. Maybe I'll see you again sometime."
Kenzi giggles as the little dog moves to her next and starts licking her face.
"She's adorable," the blonde girl says. "Is she yours?"
Standing, I take Kenzi's hand. "Yeah, she is."
Kenzi
I've lost five pounds since Friday. Today is Monday. I don't weigh myself often, but Friday morning the digital scale in my bathroom was beeping, so I weighed myself just to make sure it was working after I put new batteries in it. And this morning I stepped on it again because I haven't been able to eat and was just curious. I wasn't expecting to see five pounds gone.
Ever since Tor and I slept together, I've been frazzled. Almost manic. My stomach feels like I'm stuck in an elevator that keeps going up and down randomly throughout the day and night. My heart suddenly palpitates and a wave of dizziness follows. Yesterday I sat at my desk to work on a request I received from a local poet who wants all her poems written in calligraphy to be framed for her office, and all I could do was draw pretty, ornate hearts of various sizes. And Tor's name.
Thankfully, the poet isn't in a rush. And thankfully, I have a lot of paper and ink, since I wasted a lot with my daydream-induced swoony scribbling.
Sleeping is now reduced to two hour increments, where I wake with a jolt several times throughout the night, covered in sweat, heart racing, my sex quivering and damp, and I'll reach for my cell phone and re-read all the text messages he's sent me recently.
I am hopelessly in love with Toren Grace.
Now that we've stepped over the line, I'm consumed with thinking about him, and us, and the past, and the present, and the future, and everything. So much everything. My emotions go from being excited and happy to nervous and scared with almost no in-between.
He said we should think, and that's all I've been doing. Thinking, thinking, and even more thinking. And worrying. What if he decides that this can't happen? That we can't happen? What if he decides it's too much stress? Or that I'm just too young? What if he can't face my father with the truth? What if my father has a major melt down?
I realized this morning that I've worried so much about what his decision will be, and the mental torment that he's going through, that I haven't really thought much about myself. This isn't just about Tor dating a younger woman, and him dealing with the possible wrath of his best friend. This is also about me dating a much older man, and causing anguish to my father and to my family.
Can I endure that?
With Tor's love and support...yes. I believe I can.
Blue reusable grocery bags are all over Toren's kitchen, and Kitten has taken up residency in an empty one that has fallen onto the floor. I may have bought too much food. I'm not sure why I feel like baking a yummy apple pie and broiling up a filet mignon for him, but I do. I'm on a mission. Perhaps sex and love changes what you want to give a person. Or at least put in their mouths.
In more ways than one.
I didn't get to see Tor over the weekend because he had to work on Saturday and I promised his mother I'd help at the shelter bathing a few of the dogs. Yesterday he went riding with my father, which is something they do almost every Sunday when my dad is home. I stayed upstairs in my room even though I knew Tor was outside in our garage because I didn't think I could see him without throwing my arms around him or making some kind of lust filled face at him that my father might notice. I watched them ride off together from the window seat in my bedroom, and seeing his long hair flying in the wind behind him and the tautness of the muscles in his arms as he gripped the handlebars brought back the delicious memories of those same arms enveloping me in his bed.
The dog and the kitten follow me around the house as I straighten things up, start his laundry, and run the vacuum over all the carpeted rooms, which will have tufts of white fur scattered about again in less than an hour. All the while my mind bounces like a ping pong ball with questions. Does he want to see me again? Does he regret sleeping with me now that he's had a few days to think about it? Was I painfully awkward and inexperienced?
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