by Carian Cole
I nod my head. "Yeah."
"Or if you really want to put a smile on my face, you could come home with me and let me slam you into my headboard for a few hours." He suggests, his eyes roving over my body in a way that makes me feel extremely vulnerable and dirty.
"Ty...I'm in love with your brother."
He nods and makes a clicking noise with his tongue. "Figures." He starts to walk back towards his bike. "Move your ass, Sugar. Consider this repayment for all the fuckin’ smiles."
I finally get home at one a.m. and breathe a massive sigh of relief when I get into the sanction and safety of my own bedroom. This has been the strangest night of my life. While I'm glad that Tyler came along to help me get gas, the altercation with him was bizarre and frightening. I feel like I should tell Tor about it even though Tyler asked me (more like told me) not to. His elevator is definitely not going to the top floor and he probably needs to be on some meds if he isn't already.
After changing out of my clothes and into yoga pants, I walk down the hallway to my father’s room. I'm glad to see he's not home as I slip inside and go straight to my mother’s night table, which hasn't been touched since the accident.
Opening the wooden door at the front, I grab the journal on the top of the stack of about ten handmade journals my father has made for my mom over the years that she religiously wrote in.
The leather journal has a lock and the key is around my dad's neck, so I take it over to her jewelry armoire and use an earring hook to pick the tiny lock. I'm hoping there will be some clues in here as to what they were talking about the morning of the accident and if she had feelings for Tor that went beyond friendship. If she did, I have no idea how I'm going to deal with that but it's definitely going to make me feel odd in a lot of ways.
"What are you doing?" His deep voice exploding into the silence makes me jump and I drop the journal. He crosses the room swiftly and picks it up before I have a chance to react. "You picked the lock? Jesus, Kenzi." He gently closes the journal and puts it back where it was in the night table, then turns to stare at me in disbelief.
"I just wanted to read some of it." I say.
"Those are private. I don't even read those. You don't think I want to? You don't think maybe it would help me feel closer to her in so many ways? But I can't, because it's wrong. These aren't our words to read, Kenzi. They're hers."
I stare up at him, feeling guilty because I know what he's saying is true. "I don't know how you do it, Dad. How do you keep your sanity with all of this?"
"With lots of love and faith. That's how. What are you hoping to find in these journals, Kenzi? Talk to me if something is on your mind."
I shrug helplessly. "I don't know. Lots of things I guess. I miss her, and I feel like I should have had more time to get to know her better. But if you really want to know, I was wondering about the conversation you two were having the morning of the accident."
"What conversation?"
"Mom said that Tor understands and why can't you? What did that mean?"
He sits on the bed with a distant look on his face, like he's trying to rewind back to that day. I sit next to him and wait.
"Mom wanted out of the band life," he finally says. "She wanted me out, too. She was tired of both of us traveling all the time, never having privacy or enough time with you, and she wanted to have another baby. I guess she and Tor had talked about it and he was supportive of it. And I get that. There's been a lot of times when I wanted out of the band, too, but it's hard to give up. It's been my entire life. All my blood, sweat, and tears. I love the rush of the audience, of writing and singing new songs. You and your mom have always been more important to me, but leaving the band...it's just such a hard thing to even think about. It would affect my brothers, and my cousins, too, since they're in the band. I have to think about everyone involved, ya know? It's not easy."
"I understand, Dad."
"That morning we were talking about it again. Sometimes your mom would mention that Tor was always so understanding, and he is. That's just who he fuckin' is and what we all love about him. But sometimes I got sick of hearing it. Nobody wants to hear that another guy understand his wife better than he does sometimes. That's all it was."
He grabs my mother’s pillow and holds it against his chest. "I'm sorry I yelled at you about the journal. It's just private and I try to respect her personal things."
I feel ashamed of myself for prying into her journal. "I'm sorry I tried to read them. I've just been moody and confused lately."
"I can take you to see her, Kenzi. Maybe if you just sit and talk to her, you'll feel better. That's what I do. There's a good chance she can hear us, the doctor said so."
My heart does the lurch and freeze like it does every time we talk about my mother. I don't know if I can sit by her bed, hold her lifeless hand, and chatter on about my day while she lays in a bed, trapped in sleep. A few times I've tried but it doesn't feel like she's there, and it seems cruel to talk to her when she can't respond. What if she can hear us and she wants to respond and she feels trapped and scared? What if she is really petrified, wherever she may be mentally? Or is there just nothing there anymore? These are the things that drive me insane and make me sick with worry. All I know for sure is I miss her smile and her amazing eyes that once held so much life and happiness.
"I'll think about it." I say.
"Kenzi...what's going on with you? You've been acting so off lately. You were totally preoccupied with Sydni being at the hospital with Tor, and you've been distant and distracted. Even the trip to Katherine's was sudden. You never just do things like that, you always plan. You're not flighty."
I struggle for the right words. "I don't know. I guess just basic life confusion after graduation." I offer weakly.
He shakes his head and turns his body to face mine. "I'm so good at reading everyone else in this family. I can feel what's going on with all of them, like a deep intuition, if that makes any sense. It's always been there. But with you....it's so hard." He sighs and hugs the pillow tighter. "I know this will sound crazy, but since the accident, I dream about your mom, and she shows me things. Like things that are going on with people we love. Like the day Uncle Talon got married. I dreamt that your mom showed me his wife all alone, with no one to walk her down the aisle. That's why I walked her." His eyes close and he leans his chin on the pillow. "I sound like a head case."
"No, Dad. You really don't," I reply softly. "You sound like someone who has an amazing connection with their wife and the people they love."
He studies my face some more. "Where were you tonight? It's late. Actually, you've been coming home late almost every night. Chloe's in New York, so where are you every night? Who are you with? I feel like I have no idea what you do anymore or who you spend time with, and I don't like it. I don't want to lose you, Kenzi."
Swallowing hard, I refuse to lie right to his face. I can't. "I was at Tor's. Watching movies."
His stare deepens and his expression changes to one I've never seen before. He reaches into his back pocket and pulls out his cell phone.
"That's funny. I sent a text to Tor earlier asking if he wanted to grab a drink and he wrote back that he was spending the night with a chick. Did his plans change?"
My heart goes into ballistic overdrive. "Oh. I'm not sure." I stand up and my legs wobble with shaky nervousness. "I'm going to go to bed. It's late."
"Is something going on?" He asks, with a touch of suspicion in his voice.
"No, Daddy. I'm just tired."
He follows me down the hall to my bedroom and my panic escalates with each step. His radar is tuned directly at me and that is definitely not a good sign.
"Why are you hovering?" I ask him. "I just want to go to sleep." My cell phone beeps from where it's laying on my bed and his eyes immediately go to it. I reach for it but he grabs it from my hand.
"Dad-"
His jaw clenches and his eyes go wide as he stares at the screen.
"Wh
at. The. Fuck." He says with agonizing slowness, his gaze shifting to mine. "Is something going on with you and Tor?" He asks in disbelief.
I snatch the phone away from him and quickly read the screen.
Tor: I love you, Angel. I can't stand the way you left tonight. Please call me. Any time tonight, I don't care. I just want to hear your voice.
"Dad...he always says he loves me." I try to brush it off casually and roll my eyes a little for added effort but his eyes take on a dark anger that tells me he's not going to let this go.
"No," he says, shaking his head. "This is different. What the hell is going on? Why is he texting you at almost two in the goddamn morning, asking you to call him so he can hear your voice?"
"We had an argument."
"About what?"
I stare at him, frozen, unable to think fast enough. I'm not a liar. I don't know how to do this. I don’t want to do this. My lips quiver and tears brim in my eyes as I watch the truth settle in his, making him take a deep breath. His hand goes to the center of his chest, as if he's in immense pain, and his eyes shut for a long moment before opening again, revealing tears.
"Dad..." I whisper. "I'm so sorry."
He doesn't move. He just stands there, taking deep breaths, clutching at his chest. Fear grips me like a vice at the thought of him having a heart attack from the shock and stress of what he's just pieced together.
I gently touch his arm. "Dad...are you okay?" I ask softly.
"No. I'm not okay." He replies, rubbing his chest. "Did he touch you?"
My head shakes back and forth. "It's not like that."
"What does that mean?"
I don't know what to say, or how to say it. How do I explain what Tor and I have to my Dad? I was never supposed to go through this alone. Tor and I were going to tell him together and try to explain what happened in a way that he would understand.
I just have no idea how we thought we were going to do that.
"Kenzi?" He urges. "Answer me. What the hell does that mean?"
"We love each other." I say, my voice shaking with a myriad of emotions. It seemed like the best, most honest answer. I thought it would cover everything that needed to be said.
"What?" The word rips out of him in a tormented roar that shakes the walls.
"Daddy...let me call Tor and have him come over so we can all talk together," I say, hoping he'll agree and Tor will be able to calm him down and then everything will be okay.
"I'll kill that motherfucker," he seethes. "This is why you were so upset about Sydni at the hospital. Isn't it?"
I cringe away from him, wishing I hadn't had such a meltdown that day in the hospital. This is all my fault. I should have been more careful.
"Isn't it?" he bellows.
"Yes," I answer. "Please stop yelling. Please."
A crazy grin crosses his lips, so foreign compared to his normal handsome, charming smile. "Stop yelling? You want me to stop yelling?" he asks, his voice only rising with each word.
"Yes. Please let me explain."
He steps closer to me. "Did he touch you?" The words come out of him like he's choking on them.
"Please don't do this, Dad. Please calm down and just let me try to explain."
"Did he touch you?" He demands again, so loud it makes me want to cover my ears.
"Yes," I cry. "It's not like you're thinking! He loves me. I don't know how it happened, but it did. We fell in love. It's not bad, Dad. Please listen." I beg as he starts to rove around my bedroom, like he expects some clues are going to pop up from the corners. "He makes me happy. He's never hurt me or pushed me, ever."
"Did he fuck you?"
"Daddy!" Tears burst from my eyes at the vileness in his tone. He’s never spoken to me this way. "Stop it."
"Did he?"
I shake my head and wipe at my eyes. "You're being horrible! Stop asking me things and let me explain, please. We love each other. We care about each other. He's my best friend. You know that. He would never, ever hurt me."
"You're too young to know what love is, Kenzi. He took advantage of you because I fucked up and left you alone too much thinking I could trust him, and now I'm going to rip his fuckin’ heart out and shove it down his throat." Never have I heard my father speak so venomously or with such hatred. He's a peacemaker. A lover. Always helping people work out their problems. Always caring and understanding.
Never like this.
And it’s all my fault. I did this.
"I'm not too young. You and Mom were younger than me when you fell in love and look how long you lasted. So don't you dare say that to me. I'm not a little girl, and I'm not stupid. I know exactly what and who I want."
He grimaces and rubs the center of his chest again. "I'm going to be sick. He's got your head all fuckin’ twisted up."
"No, he doesn't. I love him. You know he's a good man, Dad. Calm down and think, please. He's your best friend. You know what kind of man he is. He would never hurt me, and this has been tearing him apart. He didn't want it to happen. You have to believe me."
"Then it never should have fuckin’ happened!” he shouts. “He's an adult, he knows better. He should have some fuckin’ self-control.” He glares at the standing framed photo of Tor and me on my dresser, taken when we were younger, and slams it down onto its glass face. “I trusted him with you, Kenzi." He says, coming back to stand in front of me, his eyes wild and his jaw clenched. "I trusted him with my baby girl and this is what he does?"
"He never wanted to hurt you."
"Hurt me?" he spits out. "He's fucking destroyed me, Kenzi. And so have you."
I swallow back more tears. "Please don't say that, Daddy. I love you. Tor loves you. We never meant for this to happen."
"When?" he asks, snapping his head to look at me. "When did this happen?"
It's always been happening. I take a deep breath and try to think back.
"A few months ago. A few weeks before I graduated, I think." My God, it seems like so long ago when it all started.
"He touched you when you were under eighteen?" he asks, his voice oddly leveled.
"He kissed me but that was it. Nothing else happened until I was eighteen. The age of consent is sixteen. He didn't do anything wrong. We waited until I was eighteen."
His eyes close and his head hangs down. "I'm going to fucking kill him."
"Please stop saying that. Please."
"He betrayed me, Kenzi. You don't screw with your best friend’s daughter who's a teenager and has been through the trauma of losing their mother when you're supposed to be looking after them. It's wrong no matter how you want to slice and dice it in your own head."
"He's the one who was there for me the most, Dad. Everyone else was all wrapped up in their own grief or life. Including you,” I remind him. “Tor was with me all the time. He's been taking care of me forever so don't stand there and act like he's some kind of pig because you know damn well he's not. You turned him into a live-in nanny for God's sake! He took care of all of us when we needed him,” my voice rises with each word and my body starts to tremble with a mix of anger, fear, and devastation. I take a deep breath and lower my voice before I continue “Maybe you need to remember all that." I wipe at my face as I attempt to defend the man that somehow became the glue in my life.
He slams his fist down on the top of my dresser. "That's right, Kenzi. He was supposed to be taking care of you, not turning you into his own little fuck toy behind my back."
Before I can stop myself, I've slapped him hard across the face, and he touches his cheek and looks at me like he has no idea who I am.
And that makes two of us; I don't know who I am right now, either.
"I'm sorry." I whisper shakily. "But I am not a fuck toy. I know you're mad and upset, but I won't let you disrespect me. Or him. Or what we have."
As my words sink in he nods slowly and softly says, "I just love you so much, Kenzi. This is killing me."
I force myself to take a deep breath. "I know that a
nd I'm sorry. But that's no excuse for you to say nasty things."
He sits on my bed and puts his head in his hands and his body shakes with silent sobs. My heart slowly dies watching him in emotional agony, knowing this is my fault.
"You're right," He lifts his head. "I didn't mean what I said, sweetheart. My head is just completely wacked right now."
Seeing him so gutted is terrible. I just want this all to stop before it gets worse. "I think we should just go to bed and talk about this in the morning, Dad."
"I can't do that. He's going to tell me to my face what he's done."
My breath catches. "You're going over there? Now?" I ask, worry washing over me in a tidal wave.
"Yes. He and I are going to have a nice long talk." He answers sarcastically.
I hang onto his arm and try to stop him from heading towards the door. "Dad, please. He's still recovering from the accident. Please don't touch him," I beg, sobbing uncontrollably. "If you hurt him, I'll never forgive you. I swear to you, I won't." I plead with my eyes and cling to the sleeve of his shirt.
"Kenzi, this is between me and him. Don't call him, don't text him, and don't show up over there, either. You need to let me deal with this."
"It's the middle of the night. Please leave him alone and just go tomorrow when you've calmed down. We'll go together," I offer, trying to sound hopeful. "That's how we had planned to tell you. We just wanted to wait until after your tour."
He wrenches his arm out of my grip. "This isn't going to wait. I need to talk to him alone. Go to bed. We'll talk more about your part in this in the morning. And don't plan on ever seeing him again."
I open my mouth to protest but he cuts me off. "I'm still your father, Kenzi, and I'd like you to listen to me,” Sadness fills his voice and infiltrates the air between us. “We've never fought before this, Kenzi. Ever."
"I know." I answer tearfully. "I hate it. I can’t stand seeing you this way, so angry and upset."
"Then do as I ask please and let me handle this with him. I want you to go wash your face and lie down. We'll talk in the morning."
I sit on my bed and cross my arms, hugging myself. "I'll never stop seeing him, Dad. I love him and need him too much. Just like how you feel about Mom. I'll never let him go,” I say as he heads for my bedroom door again.