by Carian Cole
He halts with his hand on the doorknob and turns slightly towards me. "We'll see about that."
I fall apart the moment he leaves, crying into my comforter like a child having a tantrum but I just can’t stop. Feeling helpless and terrified, I’m consumed with the guilt of the damage I've created between two best friends that will probably never be able to be repaired. I've never seen my father so angry before and I'm afraid of what he'll do to Tor. We never should have let this go on without telling my father, and now I blame myself for wanting to wait. Everything just spiraled out of control. I don't know how we can possibly ever make this right again.
33
Tor
Tor ~ age seven
Asher ~ age seven
"Mrs. Johnson thinks we're brothers. 'Cuz we look alike." He's followed me over to the rock I'm sitting on at the corner of the fenced in schoolyard. I always sit here alone during recess and either draw or write in my sketchbook.
I nod at him. We both have hair the same color and length, touching our shoulders. Unlike the other boys in class with their short spiked hair. I refuse to let my mom cut my hair because I want to tie it back like my dad does when he rides. I've never talked to this kid Asher before, but I know about him. His parents are famous. His father is a musician and I love music. I know all his songs and I play them on my old guitar. Asher is lucky.
"You don't talk much, do ya?" He says, sitting next to me.
"Not really."
"So, we're gonna be friends. I like how quiet you are."
"And what if someday I'm not quiet?"
"We'll still be friends. Best friends are forever."
Tor
"Finally," I say into the phone. "I've been a wreck waiting for you to call."
"Tor..." she gasps. "My dad is on his way there. He knows about us."
I bolt up in bed, instantly wide awake. "What? What happened?"
"It's my fault, I'm so sorry," she cries. "I tried to read my mom’s journal and he caught me. I was acting weird and he could tell something was wrong. You know how he is...then he took my phone and he saw your text."
"Oh, shit." I climb out of bed and pull my sweatpants on, cradling the phone against my shoulder.
Her breathing is erratic and she's sniffling and coughing as she tries to talk. It’s making me want to crawl through the phone just to hold her. "He went insane, Tor. It was awful. I've never seen him like this. I'm scared..."
"Angel, calm down, baby, okay? Please don't cry. I'll take care of it."
"I'm afraid he's going to hurt you."
"He's not going to hurt me," I reply, even though I'm sure he will. And I deserve it if he does. I overstepped a huge line of trust between us and I know him well enough to know that this is not something we're going to talk out. This isn't a disagreement about how a song should end or whose bike is fastest or what beer is the best. This is about his best friend putting his hands all over his little girl. That's all he's seeing and hearing right now, and I'll take the punishment for it because I know I would feel the same way if the situation were reversed.
"Tor, please don't fight with him," she begs. "I know you could hurt him but please don't."
"Don't worry, Kenzi. We'll figure this all out. Everything will be okay." Car headlights shine across my windows. "He's here so I'm going to go talk to him. I want you to just calm down, okay? I love you."
"I love you, too."
I don't wait for him to knock; I just go to the front door and open it, and his fist immediately crashes into my face. I stumble back as blood spurts from my nose and he slams the door shut behind him.
Steadying myself, we stand eye-to-eye, glaring at each other. We are equal in height and build. Equal in strength. Our love and protectiveness for Kenzi just as equal. I know neither one of us would back down.
"You mother fuckin' pig," he growls. "You touched my daughter? You're her uncle."
"Ash..." He punches my face again, and as I shake it off, he sucker punches me in the ribs and I feel a harrowing snap.
"I trusted you,” he states, looking me in the eye, forcing me to see the pain, betrayal, and devastation seeping from his soul. Making me feel it with him. How the fuck could you do this to me?" he shoves me hard in the chest and I stumble backwards again.
"You gotta know I fought this, man. I fought it with every part of myself. I tried to put distance between us, to try to forget the feelings I had for her, and change the feelings she had for me - all of it. But everything just kept coming back stronger. I just couldn't fight it anymore,” I admit. “I love her more than anything. I think I always have, as fucked up as I know that sounds. We have some kind of deep connection. She makes me happier than I've ever been, and I know she feels the same way about me."
He shakes his head as if he almost pities me for believing my own words. "She's only eighteen, Toren. She has no idea what she feels."
"That’s not true."
"Whatever the hell you think is going on, it ends today,” He shoves his finger into my chest. “I've given you everything, Tor. I've saved your ass a thousand times. You can't have my daughter."
"I'm not letting her go. With or without your blessing, I'm spending my life with her."
His head tilts up to stare at the ceiling before he looks back at me. "Listen to yourself. What the fuck is wrong with you? She thought of you as her uncle. You babysat her for years! How sick are you?" He shoves me again, hard, and my ribs scream in pain.
"You're right. It did make me feel sick."
"So you just kept doing it? What the fuck, Tor? I can't wrap my head around this." He grips his head with his hands, glaring at me. “Who are you?”
I shake my head as blood drips from my face onto my carpet. "I don't know. I couldn't stop. I know it was wrong, Ash. And I'm so fucking sorry. You have no idea how much this has been killing me inside."
"Killing you?” He bellows. “No. This is killing me. When did you start touching my little girl, you sick fuck?"
The accusation I’ve dreaded hearing has finally been spoken.
"I never touched her. I swear. This only happened a few months ago. I never once thought of her other than as my niece and a friend before that. I swear. I have never touched her inappropriately. I could never do that.”
"You're fucking sick," he states, hatred heavy in his voice as he points at me. "You were my best friend. I was supposed to be able to trust you." He punches me again. This time, I fall backward onto the floor and he takes the opportunity to kick me hard in the ribs with his steel-toed boots.
"You can trust me. I love her, Ash. I'd never hurt her."
"Shut the fuck up!" his boot rams into the other side of my rib cage and I see stars from the pain.
I try to sit up, my hand clutching my side. "You practically handed her to me, Asher. You can hate me all you fuckin’ want but don't act like I'm some kind of fucking predator. I've cared about her since the day you put her into my arms and then left me to take care of her while you and Ember ran around with the band."
"Mother-fuck-you, Tor. This is about Ember, isn't it? You wanted her and you've hated me ever since I got her. You think I didn’t know that? So you think you can just take my daughter as some kind of consolation prize?"
I slowly stand up, my vision blurry. "This has nothing to do with Ember."
"That's bullshit. You're pissed because I got Ember and I got to keep the band while you lost everything. So now what? Screwing my kid is payback?"
I scoff at him. "You lost everything, Asher. Not me. Your wife's in a coma because you let her fall off a fucking cliff." I lean in close to his face. "I never would have let her fall. And now you've lost your daughter and your best friend. Congratulations."
His eyes go dark with contempt. "Don't talk to me about Ember. Ever. And I want you to stay the fuck away from my daughter."
I shake my head, refusing to back down. "That'll never happen. I'll never let her go, Ash. I love you like a brother, man, and I want to fix this shit w
ith us. But I'll never give her up. I love her too much."
"Fix this?" he repeats. "Fix this? You think you can fix the fact that you betrayed me? Lied to me? Put your hands on my little girl? I have no idea who you even are. She's a kid, Tor."
"She's not. Open your fucking eyes, Ash. She's just like you. She knows exactly what she wants. She always has. She's not some giddy, stupid-ass teen."
He's not hearing any of it. "No. You've messed with her head. Why, Tor? Sydni wasn't good enough? Or Lisa? Or any other girl in this fucking town? You had to seduce a innocent little girl who looked up to you, adored you, and trusted you? How the hell do you even sleep at night? You're a fucking psycho just like your fucked-up sicko of a brother. At least he has the decency to hide."
His words snap my brain and I can't control myself any more as I ram my fist into the side of his face. "Don't talk about my family, Ash. I'll fuckin’ bury you." I grab his throat and push him up against the wall, effortlessly lifting him off his feet and choking him. "I love you man, but I'll choke the shit out of you right now if you push me."
His hands close around mine and I watch his eyes start to bulge and redden before I let him go and he steps away, gasping and glaring at me with even more repulsion
"I love her. She loves me. I'm going to marry her someday when she's ready. I know you're pissed, man. I would be too. And I'm really fuckin’ sorry. But maybe try to think about the fact that you picked me to care for her and love her, and I did just that. Our feelings grew with us and nothing and no one can change that. Not even you. I will never, ever hurt her." I take a deep breath, pain tearing through my chest and ribs, and I soften my tone, hoping he’ll hear my words and believe them. I need him to accept us or it’s going to break Kenzi’s heart. "I know you can't see it now, man. But your daughter has someone in her life who loves her and cares about her just as much as you do. I'll never cheat on her or treat her bad. She's safe with me. Always. And maybe someday you'll be glad your best friend has someone to love him, too."
His expression stays hard. "You're out of your fucking mind. I'll never forgive you for this. After everything I've done for you, you stabbed me right in the back and in my heart," he spits a mouthful of blood onto my carpet. "You're fucking dead to me, Tor. I don't ever want to see your lying, deceitful face again. And you can bet your ass I'm going to do whatever I can in my power to keep Kenzi away from you and try to undo the damage you've done to her head. Do yourself a favor; stay the fuck away from her. Let her be a kid and grow up and date and have fun."
"She doesn't want that."
"You don't want that. Don't be a selfish prick. Let her grow up and make adult choices."
"Like you did with Ember?" I throw back. "She was fourteen when she got pregnant. You going to stand there and tell me either one of you ever regretted being together and having Kenzi?"
"No, we didn't. But we were both kids and we were dumb and in love. You're a fucking adult, you've had your chance to have fun and sleep with all sorts of women and make mistakes and figure out what and who you want in life. Kenzi's lived in a bubble. I don't want her strapped down to you."
"Like I'm so fucking bad?"
"Well, you couldn't keep Sydni happy, could ya?" He reminds me with a smirk.
I don't even let that comment bother me. "Sydni think she's a fucking bag of potato chips that needs to be passed around. That's got nothing to do with me, man. Kenzi is in an entirely different league than Sydni."
His nostrils flare in anger as he moves towards my front door. "Stay away from my kid. If you really do love her? Let her go and give her a chance to grow up."
I open the door and shove him hard through it. "Get the fuck out of my house."
He takes two steps out and then turns to me with a grin. "Oh, you just reminded me I hold the mortgage to this house. That makes it my house. You've got two weeks to pay what's owed or get your ass out of it," His hand waves at me as he walks towards his car. "Good luck, douchebag."
Fuck.
I punch the wall and fall to the floor in emotional and physical agony.
I just lost my best friend. And now I'm going to lose my home because I'm pretty sure I don't have seventy-five thousand dollars laying around.
And next will be Kenzi.
I can feel it deep in my gut. He's going to do whatever he can to keep her away from me, and he'll succeed, because Asher just has that kind of natural persuasive power over people.
As I lay in pain with the dog and the kitten on my lap, falling in and out of a sense of consciousness, I wonder if what he said is right.
Maybe I'm supposed to let her go.
34
Kenzi
Kenzi ~ age one month
Tor ~ age fifteen
Ember ~ age fifteen
"There you are," Ember whispers, coming into the nursery.
She peeks into the baby's crib and then looks me over, sitting in the rocking chair two feet away.
"Thank you for putting her to sleep. I'm sorry I got stuck on the phone with my sister."
"It's okay. She went right to sleep. No crying."
"She always does for you," she says with a smile. "You don't have to stay in here. You can go hang out with Ash. He's home now."
Standing, I walk over to the crib and gently rub my finger over the baby's tiny hand curled up into a tiny fist next to her face. "I like watching her sleep. She's so peaceful." I say.
That’s true, but I don't tell Ember that I saw a show about SIDS and now I'm petrified of Kenzi never waking up. I lay awake at night worrying about it and always end up watching her sleep if I'm hanging out at Asher's place.
"She is. I didn't know I could love her so much."
I didn't know I could, either.
Kenzi
Of course I don't go to bed like my father told me to. I sat in the dim living room with a small Tiffany lamp giving off the only light and stared at my parents’ wedding picture hanging over the fireplace. Tor and I are in the picture too, him standing next to my father, smiling, and me standing next to my mother in a little white dress holding a bouquet of pink roses. I wait almost two hours, never expecting him to come home with a bloody nose and swollen eye.
"Oh my God, he hit you?"
"I hit him first,” he answers, wiping at his face with a dishtowel he must have taken from the kitchen on his way in here. Like it matters who hit whom first. I’m beyond angry and upset that they would actually resort to hitting each other. I had hoped they would just talk like adults.
"Dad!" I burst into tears. "I don't want you guys to hurt each other. Why can't you just talk?"
He falls onto the couch next to me. "Because I'm furious with him and I want to hurt him."
"I don't like you this way," I sob. "This isn't you. Mom would hate this, you know."
He puts his arm around me, pulling me until my head is resting on his chest and he gently rubs the back of my head.
"I know, Kenz." He answers softly.
"How bad did you hurt him? Is he okay?" I ask, crying against his chest. I can't bear the thought of Tor being in any more pain. I want to get in my car right now and drive over to his house and never leave him again.
"Don't worry about him. He's a big boy."
"I want to go see him."
"No." He answers firmly.
"Please, Dad. Don't be like this."
His hand continues to slowly rub the back of my head and his chest moves up and down as he sighs. "I want you to stay away from him, Kenzi,” his voice is lower and gravelly from yelling and I pray it doesn’t affect his upcoming tour. “It's for the best, trust me. I know you don't believe me, but you're too young to be in a serious relationship with an older man. Especially one that practically raised you. He's got your head all messed up."
"He doesn't. Not at all." I protest.
"I want you to grow up and find yourself, Kenzi. Have fun. Date guys your age. Find something you want to do. Come on tour with me if you want. Just give yourself time to
live before you make such huge commitments. You'll thank me someday."
"Do you regret me and mom?" I demand quietly, wondering if he regrets getting married and having a family so young. Maybe he was never as happy as he appeared to be. "Is that why you're being this way?"
His lips touch the top of my head before he replies. "I don't regret one moment. You and mom are everything to me."
"Then why can't you believe that me and Tor can have the same?"
His chest heaves up and down once again. "Because it’s wrong. He's too old for you. You called him your uncle for almost your entire life. He babysat you and changed your diapers. It's perverted, Kenzi. I feel sick just thinking about it,” he pauses and his hand stills on the back of my head. “Did he ever touch you when you were younger? Make you do things? Maybe play odd games?"
I lift my head up and stare at him, horrified at the mere idea of any of that. "Never. How can you even think that? He's your best friend, Dad. And yeah I know he took care of me but our relationship changed. We became more like friends as I got older. And then that slowly turned into more. It happened over the course of eighteen years, Dad. It grew and changed and evolved. None of those feelings were there when I was five, and I know deep down you know that. You or Mom would have known. And I would tell you if I had any memories at all that were creepy. There aren't any. You have to believe that."
"I'm trying to."
"He was terrified when things started to change. He pushed me away, he yelled at me. He made me go to Aunt Katherine's to put space between us. You have no idea how much he fought it, Dad," I say. "And honestly? I pulled him. I wanted to be in a relationship with him and I knew he felt the same way. I kept pulling him out of denial. So be mad at me."