by Carian Cole
Shaking his head, he swipes his other hand across his face with the towel he's holding. "I can't be mad at you. But I'm disappointed that you would lie to me and do things behind my back. I thought we were close enough where you could tell me anything."
My stomach burns with emotion. He’s right, I could always tell him and my mom anything and everything. "We are. But I knew you would never understand this and I was right."
"You knew I wouldn't understand it because it's wrong."
"No," I say firmly. "I knew you wouldn't understand because it doesn't fit into what you think is right."
He's silent, staring off across the room as he idly rubs circles on my back.
"Dad...I love you, but you have to let me make my own choices. I'm an adult, whether you like it or not."
"I totally understand that. But there is no way in hell I can look at you with him, or be in the same room with him knowing he's had his hands on you. I'll go crazy." He pauses for a moment. "I can't lose you, too, Kenzi. I can't have Mom being the way she is and you out there living your life and not being a part of mine."
"Then just accept us. Don’t make me choose. At least try." I beg.
"I can't,” he replies with tortured regret thick in his voice.
Despair floods through me, seeping into every crevice of my heart and soul. I'm trapped and torn between the two men I love most in the world. I can't imagine hurting either one of them or walking away from either one of them. Choosing one would only hurt the other, and that would devastate me beyond words.
I love them both. I need them both. I want them both in my life.
After I convince my dad to shower and go to bed, I quietly go back to my room and send Tor a text, my fingers shaking over the tiny keyboard.
Me: Are you okay? I've been so worried.
Tor: I'm only worried about the pain this is causing you.
Me: Did he hurt you? He said he hit you and I know you hit him
Tor: I didn't want to hit him but he said some really nasty things and I snapped. I'm sorry. Is he ok?
Me: He's fine. He just fell asleep. Please tell me if you're ok.
Tor: He fucked up my ribs pretty bad. I'm pretty sure he re-broke a few. He may have broken my nose, too. Tris is coming over in about an hour to take me to the ER.
I burst into uncontrollable tears as more anger and sorrow over this situation swell up in me.
Me: I can't believe he hurt you like that. I'm so sorry, Tor. This is my fault.
Tor: It's not, Angel. I should have talked to him when this first started. Or just never let this happen at all. I knew all along there wouldn't be a happy ending.
My heart clenches like a fist has grabbed hold of it and my stomach sinks at his words. If he retreats back into the mindset that we shouldn’t be together, my heart will shatter into a million pieces.
Me: What are you saying? Are you giving up on us?
Tor: I'll never give up on us. I just don't know what to do. I can't come between you and your father. That will eat me alive and you'll eventually resent me.
Me: I could never resent you. I love you.
Tor: I love you, too. I just need to think. And so do you.
Me: That's all I've been doing. I want to see you.
Tor: I want to see you too but let’s wait until later today. Let me get cleaned up and clear my head. There's something else I have to tell you.
Me: Okay...
Tor: Asher loaned me the money for this house. It was a cheap fixer upper when I bought it. He wants all the money owed or he wants me out in two weeks. I'm going to have to move.
Me: What?! He's taking your house away? I can't believe he would do that. I'll talk to him.
My God. How could my father turn so cruel? Can he really hate Tor just like that? After being best friends their entire lives? I cannot even fathom that.
Tor: Please don't. I'd rather not be owing him anything anymore.
Me: I'm devastated about this. I'm so disappointed in him.
Tor: Don't be. He loves you. Trust me, I expected all of this and worse. I have to go shower and change before Tris gets here. I'll call you as soon as I get home. Please don't worry, Angel. I love you. We'll figure something out.
I crumble again after our texting. I finally give in and call Chloe, spilling out the entire story in between hysterical crying spurts. She listens patiently while I ramble in mostly jumbled and incoherent sentences.
"Wow," she says when I’m done. "I wish you had talked to me sooner, Kenzi, rather than going through this alone. What do you think friends are for?"
"I'm sorry...I was afraid to tell anyone."
"I understand now. I probably would have done the same. But damn, you slept with the walking orgasm? I need to just let my imagination run with that for a few minutes."
I let out a little laugh, which I know is the response she was aiming for. "Still focusing on sex?" I try to tease back.
"Sadly, yes. Is he as good as I imagine he must be? I mean that body...that voice...that hair...those eyes. All that ink..."
"Chloe. Stop."
"Come on, give me something here and then we can get off the subject of his hotness."
Sighing, I can't keep the grin off my face as memories of making love with him cycle through my mind. "Fine. He's amazing, Chloe. Not that I have anything to compare him to other than books and movies, but yeah. He's extremely romantic and sensual, and he pretty much turns me to mush in every way possible. Happy now?"
"Damn. I hate you right now."
"Thanks?"
"I mean that in the most loving way possible. I'm very jealous. But also happy for you. You deserve someone like him. And seriously, Kenz, I saw this coming for miles. You two have been attached at the hip for like your entire life. His eyes literally dazzle when he looks at you and you look like you're going to melt when you look at him. It was obvious as fuck."
"Really? It was that noticeable?"
"I definitely caught the vibe."
I wonder how many other people could tell something was going on between us? How did my parents not notice if everyone else did? Or could they just not even fathom that anything could be growing between us?
"I'm so confused, Chloe. I don't know what to do. My dad is so pissed and heartbroken over this. I've never seen him this angry. And he beat the shit out of Tor. You know my father - he can't stand fighting or violence in any way."
"Yeah but you're his little girl. That changes everything."
"I guess you're right. And I had no idea that he loaned Tor the money for his house."
"It sounds like over the years your Dad really did everything he could for Toren. Paying for his lawyers, helping his business, making sure he got all the royalties he's owed, helping him get a house. Him finding out that Tor was sexually involved with his daughter must seem like a massive betrayal for him. How could it not?"
"But its not just sexual, Chloe. We love each other and want to spend our lives together. It's not some kind of fling. This is real."
"I understand that, but men don't really think that way. I think all your dad is seeing is his best friend, who's his age, crawling all over his daughter. It's a typical father reaction, I think."
I sink down onto the floor and rub my pulsing forehead. I've had a massive headache since this all started last night and it's not letting up.
"I don't know what to do, Chloe. I'm so confused and heartbroken."
"Do you want my honest advice? I don't know if it's the right advice, but it’s my best advice based on how well I know you and your situation and how you grew up."
"Okay. Let's hear it."
"I think you need to get away from both of them for a while."
"Chloe..."
"Just listen. You've spent your entire life encapsulated in this little world with your parents, and the band, and Tor. I think your family is great; I love your dad and I think Tor is a rare gem, but I think you need to cut the cord from both of them for a while and just be you.
I let her words filter in and take hold. Deep down, I know what she's saying is true. I just don't know how to let go. And I don't think my dad and Tor do, either. We're all mangled up in each other.
"I don't know..."
"Kenzi, you have to do some soul searching and stand on your own for awhile without your father on one side of you and Tor on the other. And your father needs to accept the fact that he created this monster he now hates. You can't shove two people together practically 24/7 and expect that nothing may grow from it. And I think in some ways, your dad is holding onto you because of what happened to your mother. You're not her," she says softly. "He needs to stand on his own, too, and so does Tor. I mean seriously, the guy has spent almost his entire life with you. He took that role of guardian and freakin' ran with it. I'm not saying he's not really in love with you, because I think he is, but I think you guys all need some major separation to get your shit together. And after you all do some thinking and settling down, then figure out where you want to go from there," she pauses, giving me time to absorb. "I know you won't come here to New York, so why don't you go to Katherine's for a few months? You love it there and she doesn't suffocate you."
"I'm afraid to leave them." I’m afraid they’ll kill each other. I’m afraid I’ll lose them both. I’m afraid of missing them.
"I know you are. But I think you have to, for all of you. Give them time to work this out between them. Maybe they will, maybe they won't. Give Tor time to think, and give yourself some time to get out from under them and then follow your heart. I think in the end, it will be what's best for all of you."
"What you're saying all makes so much sense. I'm just scared. I don't want to hurt them. And I'm afraid if I leave Tor I might lose him forever."
"If that happens, Kenzi, then it just wasn't meant to be. But I honestly think the guy will wait a hundred years for you."
I lean back against my bed, mulling this all over in my mind. Everything Chloe said rings true.
As frightening as it feels, it also seems like it might be what needs to be done for all of us to find our way to the other side of this.
I stand in the doorway for a few moments before I cross the room with slow, light steps, and lower myself into the blue vinyl chair next to the bed.
Taking her hand in mine, I'm comforted by how warm it is. I run my finger over her wedding band. Never taken off.
There is life here. There is hope here. There is so much love here.
"Mom...I'm so sorry I haven't been here," Her eyes are closed and her breathing is soft and even. Her blonde hair cascades around her on the white pillow like a golden halo, and she looks as beautiful to me as she did the day this happened to her. She still looks so young and vibrant.
"I miss you so much. I'm eighteen now and so much has happened. I wish we could talk. I know you could help me and would have the right words to say. I'm in love with Toren, Mom. I know you would understand. I want what you wanted. I want to get married and have a baby and just have a nice, simple, happy life with Tor. He wants that, too. Daddy is so mad. He can't see that what we have is so special and so right. I don't want to lose either one of them, but they’re tearing each other apart and I'm stuck in the middle," I swallow hard. "I'm going to go stay with Aunt Katherine for a while. I'm going to have to leave Dad alone, Mom, and I'm sorry. I've tried to take care of him for you. He misses you and loves you so much. He's still committed to you in every single way. But we need you. Especially Dad, he's so lost without you. You always had a way to calm us all down and make everything better. So if you're in there somewhere and you can hear me, try to come back. We're all here for you and we love you."
My heart jumps when her fingers move ever so slightly in mine.
She moved. Dad was right.
"Mom..." My voice wavers as a tear tracks down my cheek. "Can you hear me? If you can, just move your finger again. Please..."
I wait, unmoving, barely breathing until her ring finger moves a teeny bit, giving me goose bumps.
"I felt that," I say softly. "You have to try to wake up, Mom. I know it’s hard and maybe it hurts. But we'll take care of you. No matter what. You're okay. You're still beautiful. Are you afraid that you're hurt? You're not. You're perfect. You just hit your head and you drowned for a few minutes. I don't really know what happened, but I know that you're okay other than you can't wake up. You're breathing by yourself," I can't help but wonder if maybe she thinks she's broken, or disfigured, or other horrible things like that. Maybe it's scaring her into staying suspended where she is. "And you can understand me. I think you're just tired and weak. That's all. But we can fix that." More tears stream down my cheeks.
"Are you okay, Miss Valentine?" The older, gray-haired nurse places her hand gently on my shoulder. "What a nice surprise to see you here today."
I blink back my tears and look up at her. "She moved her hand. I felt it. Then I asked her to do it again and she did."
She nods and smiles, the corners of her eyes creasing. "Yes, I'm sure she hears you, honey."
"Then she should wake up, right?"
The nurse shifts her eyes over to my mom then back to me. "She will when her mind and body are ready."
"But what if that just never happens?" I ask desperately.
She squeezes my shoulder. "You just have to have faith, Miss Valentine. It's all in God’s hands. But I think your mother is very happy you came here today. Sometimes all we need is a little time to get things right in our heads. I hope you come back."
As she walks away, I turn back to my mom.
"I have faith in you, Mom. And I love you. I promise I'll come back soon."
35
Kenzi
Kenzi ~ age eighteen
Tor ~ age thirty-two
A tiny package came in the mail for me today, and I've been afraid to open it. Even though it has no return address, I recognize his handwriting on the address label. I put it off to the side to open when I’m alone.
Later that night as I'm sitting in bed at the Inn, I tear open the padded envelope, and inside is a small black velvet pouch. Taking a deep breath, I reach inside and pull out two tufts of fur, which I immediately recognize as Diogee fur and Kitten fur.
There's a tiny note inside:
"I know how much you must miss their fur, so here's a tiny bit for you. Be impressed - I vacuum every day. :) They miss you. I know you love my hair, too, but sending you that seemed creepy. Don't forget me, Angel. I love you forever and longer."
Tor
"Oh my God," she covers her mouth with her hand and starts to cry as soon as she sees me. "I can't believe he did this to you."
I pull her into my arms, ignoring the pain in my ribs and chest. All I care about right now is being close to her. "It's okay. I'm okay."
"It's not okay, Tor. This is awful. He broke your ribs." Her voice cracks as she holds onto me.
"They'll heal. I'm way more worried about what this is doing to you." I swipe my thumbs across her damp cheeks. "You're so beautiful, Angel. Please don't cry."
"I can't help it. I hate what's happening to all of us."
"I do, too." We cross the room to sit on the couch together. "He's too mad to talk to, Kenzi. Maybe in a few days I can try again to explain to him how I feel about you and make him see that I never hurt you or did anything unethical with you."
"I told him you didn't. It makes me sick that he could even think that about you."
"I think he just needs time."
She chews her bottom lip and grabs both of my hands into hers, squeezing them tightly as she peeks up at me from beneath her long bangs.
"Tor...I've been doing a lot of thinking. I even went to see my mother this morning."
I'm shocked, but in a good way. Kenzi hasn't seen her mother in over a year. "Wow. I would have gone with you, so you wouldn't have to go through that alone."
She shakes her head. "No. I needed to do it alone. And that’s kind of what I want to talk to you about."
I wouldn't be surprised if a black cloud just settled over my house, because I can feel it, like a dark shadow, stealing away all my light.
Stealing away her.
She swallows hard. "I think we all need some time apart. I need some time away from you and my father. And I think you need some time away from me and him, and him away from you and I."
I knew this was coming.
"Kenzi..." I want to get on my knees and beg. Or propose. Anything to make her stay, because I know she's leaving. I can't stop her, and I may never get her back.
Her hands squeeze mine even tighter like she's afraid to let go, and I don’t want her to. "I don't want to lose you, Tor,” she says tearfully. “I love you so much and I still want everything we talked about. But I think we all need some time to really be apart and just think. I'm going to move in with Aunt Katherine for a while."
A lone tear slides down her pink cheek as her eyes search mine frantically, the same green eyes that have looked to me for help, love, and guidance for eighteen years. The same eyes I fell in love with and want to be looking into for the rest of my life.
She promised me forever.
She made me believe I could have it.
I'll never let her go...but I have to set her free.
Please come back to me, I beg silently.
Please always love me the most.
I force myself to nod and agree and it’s one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do. "Maybe you're right," I cough into my hand, and swallow back the pain shredding my heart. How am I supposed to live without her now that I’ve had a glimpse of what life with her could be like? How am I supposed to come home to just Diogee and Kitten at the door without her standing there waiting to throw her arms around me? "I want you to have time to think, and really know what, and who, you want. I'll be here," I grab the back of her neck and pull her to my lips for a long, slow kiss, then lean my forehead against hers and stare into her eyes. "I'll always be here."
-->