“If I remember correctly, Abernathy is afraid of coming into Summerstone,” Madeleine said pensively.
“Then maybe he was stealing lawn furniture for his crib in the forest,” Theo added sincerely.
“His crib? You think the forest dweller has a crib?” Lulu said in disbelief to Theo.
“I think that dirty man is giving us the gift of friendship,” Hyacinth said with a massive smile.
“That is the one thing I am pretty sure he’s not doing,” Lulu said firmly.
“He’s distracting Mrs. Wellington and Schmidty so that we have time to bond. That spells friendship to me. As a matter of fact, I am so touched I think I may have to sing. Thank you, dirty man, I’m your new biggest fan; let’s go out and get a tan, maybe even an electric fan…”
“Wait. Pantsuit may be on to something,” Lulu said seriously.
“I’m sorry to be the Simon Cowell of the group, but that was awful,” Theo said with a terribly guilty expression. “She’s not on to anything, not even the school glee club, and their standards aren’t very high.”
“Not the singing!” Lulu said as she quickly rose from her chair. “Abernathy… he’s the distraction for the burglar.”
“We need to search the house!” Garrison said, realizing his leadership skills were needed as he headed toward the Great Hall.
“Maybe we should just wait here. After all, we are not trained crime fighters,” Theo said with a strange mixture of nervousness and guilt.
“Theo,” Madeleine snapped, “we can’t just sit by and let them steal Mrs. Wellington’s valuables. Think of all she did for us last summer! And think of all she’ll do for us this summer if this burglar doesn’t drive her too batty!”
“Fine,” Theo relented. “A hall monitor’s work is never done.”
“Don’t leave me! Please! Wait for me!” Hyacinth exploded as she took off after the others.
CHAPTER 7
EVERYONE’S AFRAID OF SOMETHING:
Ephebiphobia is the fear of teenagers.
Following what proved to be an unsuccessful search for the burglar, Mrs. Wellington, with her makeup partially melted off, paced in front of Schmidty, Macaroni, Theo, Lulu, Garrison, Madeleine, and Hyacinth. Her mind was fast at work, desperate to figure out who was behind this audacious break-in.
“Think hard, Sporty,” Mrs. Wellington said. “Did you see his face? Even just a glimpse?”
“We’re all assuming it’s a man, but who’s to say it’s not a woman?” Lulu asked.
“In an unscientific survey that I conducted in a dream, I statistically proved that more men are criminals than women,” Mrs. Wellington asserted before focusing on Garrison again.
“Honestly, I was too far away,” Garrison said, “and he was covered in black, like a bodysuit.”
“So you’re saying he’s a dancer? Any particular movement? Ballet? Modern?”
“It wasn’t like he stopped to tap-dance along the way. All I know is he was wearing a black bodysuit.”
“I’m sweating just thinking about it,” Theo said seriously. “He must have gotten a terrible heat rash. I hope he’s got calamine lotion at home, or at the very least preparations for an oatmeal bath.”
Hyacinth suddenly started crying, much to the shock of everyone around her.
“Why are you crying? Are you frightened?” Mrs. Wellington asked sympathetically. “Or are you worried the burglar did in fact develop a heat rash?”
“Neither,” Hyacinth whimpered. “Celery thinks the other kids hate me just because I’m new.”
Mrs. Wellington stared at Lulu, Theo, Garrison, and Madeleine with crimson lips. Much as she had when teaching the art of smiling and waving, Mrs. Wellington barked her orders.
“Tell her that she is mistaken! Tell her that you’re all friends!”
“We don’t hate you, just your ferret. Really, we’re friends,” the foursome droned unemotionally to a now-smiling Hyacinth.
“Besties?” Hyacinth asked in a chipper tone.
Mrs. Wellington shot each of the students a firm glance.
“Sure,” Theo said reticently.
“Of course,” Madeleine mumbled.
“Uh-huh,” Garrison grunted.
“Whatever,” Lulu said with a roll of the eyes and a sigh.
“I am so happy I’m going to sing a song,” Hyacinth bubbled. “Hyhy wanted to cry cry, when she heard you all were saying bye bye, but now she knows it was just a lie lie, so she can let out a big sigh sigh!”
“I may have misspoken when I referred to singing as your talent,” Mrs. Wellington said as she femininely perched her right hand on her hip. “But we will have to address that later, as we have a terribly busy day. Contestants, before lunch, why don’t you take Hyacinth upstairs,” Mrs. Wellington said calmly.
“She’s not rooming with us, is she?” Lulu asked, pointing her head in Hyacinth’s direction.
“Of course I am. It’s going to be like one big slumber party all summer. Celery and I are so excited. We even brought extra barrettes so we can all braid each other’s hair before bed.”
“OK, this is School of Fear, not Barbie’s Band Camp. There will be no braiding of the hair or pillow fights or late-night gab sessions or singing along with the Jonas Brothers,” Lulu said, laying down the law.
“I wouldn’t mind singing some Jonas Brothers before bed,” Theo said sincerely to Lulu, before realizing again that perhaps this wasn’t the best time.
Hyacinth turned her head toward Celery, who was perched precariously on her shoulder, and once more pretended to listen.
“Celery says you’re going to change your mind as soon as you see how much fun Mad Mad and I are having. Oh, and that she thinks your new nickname should be Carrot, because then we’d have Celery and Carrot.”
“Don’t call me Carrot. And you look like a pirate with that ferret on your shoulder,” Lulu said disdainfully.
“Oh my gosh! Celery and I are obsessed with pirates. Only we wish they’d get better clothes. Why does everything have to be so drab? What’s wrong with a nice pantsuit?”
“I am impressed by this little one; taking insults as compliments is quite a skill,” Theo said knowingly to the group. “A lot of people don’t realize that.”
“Thank you for that stimulating discussion, Chubby. And Lulu, you needn’t worry; we have placed her in the extra bedroom across from the barbershop,” Mrs. Wellington explained.
“I don’t remember a room being there,” Garrison said suspiciously.
“Madame has me wallpaper over doors when rooms are out of service,” Schmidty intoned.
“Yeah, that makes sense,” Lulu deadpanned. “Why close a door when you can spend the day wallpapering over it?”
“Contestants, please see Hyacinth—”
“Hyhy,” Hyacinth corrected.
“Please see Hyhy to her room so Schmidty can prepare lunch.”
“Fine, let’s go,” Lulu begrudgingly acquiesced.
“Lulu, can I hold your hand?” Hyacinth asked with a huge smile.
“That is a really bad idea,” Garrison informed Hyacinth. “I think Theo’s a better bet.”
Hyacinth placed Celery on the floor before grabbing Theo’s hand excitedly.
“I really hope you’re an avid hand washer or Purell user,” Theo mumbled to Hyacinth.
“Oh my gosh! How fun is this?” Hyacinth said to Theo animatedly. “Yet another memory for your wedding toast.”
“You do realize the legal age for marrying in the United States is eighteen, right?” Theo responded. “And don’t get any ideas about me, OK? I’m not letting someone lock me down until I’m at least thirty. I’m quite the catch back home, just so you know.”
“Yeah, he’s the renegade in glasses,” Lulu said sarcastically as she led the group upstairs.
The extra room, as Mrs. Wellington referred to it, was actually labeled that on its door. There was a small black-and-white sign hanging from the dark wooden door that read THE EXTRA ROOM.<
br />
“So here is your room, Hyhy. Our rooms, as you probably saw, are at the start of the hall,” Lulu explained as she flung open the door, revealing a small, quaint room with black-and-white tartan wallpaper and a green paisley bedspread.
“Well, it’s fine for my luggage to be in here, but I’ll be staying with you and Mad Mad.”
“No way,” Lulu responded.
“Yes way! Yes way! Yes way! Yes way!” Hyacinth chanted back.
“Perhaps we can discuss this later, Lulu,” Madeleine interjected. “For now, Hyhy, why don’t you unpack, and we will be right down the hall.”
“Why don’t we unpack together? It will be such a great memory for us to share!”
“I’m pretty sure I’m speaking for the whole group when I say that I would rather not have that memory,” Lulu explained before turning and walking toward the girls’ room.
“Yeah, we’ll see you in a minute. Seriously, it’s no big deal,” Garrison seconded as he took off after Lulu.
“Mad Mad?” Hyacinth asked in a slightly desperate tone.
“What’s that you say, Garrison?” Madeleine asked as she took off down the hall at warp speed, leaving Theo all alone, with Hyacinth holding his hand.
“So?” Theo said awkwardly.
“I’m so glad we’re besties.”
“Let’s not rush into anything, OK?”
Hyacinth laughed as she pulled Theo into her room.
“Oh my God! Celery!” Theo screamed as he pointed to the ferret on the floor. “She’s choking on a… croissant!”
Without fully comprehending what Theo had said, Hyacinth bent down to check on her leashed ferret. With only a split second to escape, Theo took off down the hall, running faster than he ever had. By the time he made it into the girls’ room, locking the door behind him, he was nearly asthmatic.
“Lo… ck… the… ba… th… room!” Theo panted to Madeleine, Garrison, and Lulu as he stood with his back against the door, scanning the room as he attempted to catch his breath. It was exactly as he remembered it: pale pink walls with white polka dots, portraits of cats in tutus, fuchsia curtains, mauve carpet, and cherry-colored paisley duvets.
From the hall Hyacinth pounded on the door, hysterically wailing.
“Theo, what on earth happened out there?” Madeleine asked.
“She sounds like a sea lion,” Garrison added.
“I had to run. It was my only way out. She was holding my hand with some sort of steel grip. She may not look it, but I think she’s a bodybuilder.”
“A ten-year-old bodybuilder? Please,” Lulu scoffed.
“Maybe extraordinary hand strength is the result of some exotic disease she caught from that ferret. Am I the only one who thinks her behavior is screaming Discovery Channel?”
“Yeah, she is a total freak. I mean, she’s making me rethink all the mean things I said about you, Theo,” Lulu agreed. “And that says something, because I said a lot, like more than I can even count.”
“You really need to work on your compliments, Lulu.”
“And what on earth was she doing bringing up the British Empire? As if I’m proud of the British occupation of foreign lands. Hardly! But you certainly can’t hold me responsible. I wasn’t even alive. Why, my mother wasn’t even alive!”
“Yeah! Your grandma wasn’t even alive!”
“Well, actually no, Theo. She was alive. That’s why I stopped with my mother.”
“Ah, it’s all coming together for me now.”
“She’s just so annoying and unchill.” Garrison paused to think. “She’s the total antisurfer.”
“Um, you’ve never even surfed,” Lulu pointed out.
“That doesn’t mean I don’t know the mind-set; it’s all about being Zen, cool, one with the water.”
“LET ME IN!” Hyacinth screamed as she attempted to ram the door open with her small body.
“Not to distract from the child attempting to knock down the door behind me, but does Mrs. Wellington really know how to talk to ferrets?”
“Theo, she’s a weirdo, but she’s no Dr. Doolittle. That was pageantry at its best,” Lulu said confidently.
“I’m not sure; I mean, she did train the cats. I wouldn’t put it past her to have found some way to communicate with ferrets,” Madeleine said sincerely.
“Maddie’s right. When it comes to Wellington, we never know,” Garrison said as he watched the door jostle within its frame.
“I thought we were besties! Is this a test? Are you testing me? Please, I love you guys! Celery says she hates you, but I don’t! I forgive you for abandoning me in the hall! Please, just come out!”
“Get a grip, kid!” Lulu hollered through the door. “We’re coming out in a second, just chill, OK?”
“OK! Sure! Just come out soon,” Hyacinth whined. “Hurry!”
“I’m not going out there first,” Theo whispered to the others. “My hand is still cramping from that death grip she had it in.”
“Fine, Theo. I’ll go out first, give you some time to massage your hand, maybe soak it in hot water,” Lulu said sarcastically as she opened the door.
Much to Lulu’s surprise, the hallway was empty. After all the fanfare and hysterics, the child had disappeared. Lulu couldn’t say she was disappointed. On the contrary, she was extremely relieved. She had been more than a little worried that Hyacinth was going to try to hold her hand, or worse, hug her.
Lulu didn’t smell or hear anything—it was a silent, odorless offense, but a rather gross one nonetheless. It wasn’t until the infraction had seeped through her shirt, wetting her shoulder, that Lulu realized something had landed on her. Something very earthy; it was green and runny and about the size of a quarter.
CHAPTER 8
EVERYONE’S AFRAID OF SOMETHING:
Chiroptophobia is the fear of being touched.
Lulu slowly rolled her head back, nervous about what she would find. If she hadn’t been at Summerstone, she might not have given the greenish blob a second thought. But this was, after all, a residence with a B and B, a special “inn” dedicated to creatures whose names begin with the letter B. Everything from barracudas to Brazilian biter snakes to bees to Bombay bats could be found in Mrs. Wellington’s B and B. With that in mind, Lulu swallowed hard and forced herself to look. What she saw was nothing short of a Cirque du Soleil performance. Hyacinth was hanging precariously upside down from the chandelier, with the ferret perched on her arm.
“Was that ferret poop?” Lulu screamed as Hyacinth and Celery dropped from the chandelier, pinning the irate girl to the floor.
Hearing the ruckus, Madeleine, Garrison, and Theo rushed into the hallway.
“Oh Lulu, I’ve missed you sooo much!” Hyacinth howled as she hugged the furious strawberry-blond girl. “Let’s tie our wrists together so we’re never separated again!”
“Get off me!” a red-faced Lulu hollered. “Get off me right now!”
“Don’t leave me!” Hyacinth whimpered intensely. “We’re besties forever! Besties in this life and the next!”
“Wow, she really expects a commitment. I don’t even know if I believe in the afterlife, and she’s already confirming friendships. I’ve always admired planners,” Theo said to Madeleine and Garrison.
“Help me!” Lulu yelled. “Get this thing off me!”
“Lulu and Hyhy have merged into one, never to be undone! It’s going to be so much fun,” Hyacinth sang in her usual flat tone.
“I think we’re going to have to pull Hyacinth off Lulu,” Garrison said to Madeleine.
“Perhaps Theo could aid you in that, seeing as he’s a boy. You must admit it does seem a more gentlemanly role.”
“Could somebody just help me!” Lulu screamed.
Madeleine and Garrison both turned to Theo, who frowned awkwardly.
“I can’t. My hand is still in recovery.”
After a few sighs and shakes of their heads, Madeleine and Garrison lifted Hyacinth and Celery off Lulu. The small child wi
ggled and flipped her body around as they yanked her away. Within seconds a smiling Hyacinth had fastened herself to Garrison’s arm.
Unmoved by Hyacinth’s sweet expression, Lulu pulled herself off the floor with steely-eyed focus and walked right up to the petite child. “First your ferret pooped on me, and then you pinned me to the floor. What is wrong with you? This is not cool, do you understand that?”
“I am so sorry that Celery pooped on you. But Celery wants me to tell you that she’s not sorry, because apparently she doesn’t like you, since you abandoned me in the hallway. However, it was pretty traumatic for me seeing a bestie get pooped on by another bestie. But you should know, Celery eats only organic food.”
“Wow, what a relief! Because that’s what I was worried about, whether your ferret ate organically or not,” Lulu said, groaning.
“Lulu, go change your shirt for lunch,” Garrison said, before looking down at Hyacinth, still attached to his arm. “What were you doing hanging from the chandelier?”
“Celery was changing a lightbulb,” Hyacinth said slowly.
“That’s so thoughtful,” Theo said genuinely. “I didn’t even know ferrets could change lightbulbs. Raccoons, sure, but ferrets, who knew?”
“Theo, I highly doubt she’s serious,” Madeleine interjected. “Now we ought to get downstairs. It’s almost lunchtime, and you know how Macaroni hates to be kept waiting…”
“He’s not the only one. I am starving,” Theo said, leading the procession to the dining room.
Madeleine trailed Theo in a state of total irritation. She knew Garrison couldn’t stand the aggravating child, but she couldn’t help feeling envious. Oh, how Madeleine would love to walk arm in arm with Garrison. Simply thinking about it made the girl blush.
Mrs. Wellington, Schmidty, and Macaroni were seated at the formal dining room table, which was covered in pink lace, dusty candelabras, and rose-patterned china. Three paintings of English bulldogs, Macaroni’s predecessors, hung from the mint green walls.
“My apologies,” Madeleine said politely upon entering the dining room, “but we had a slight incident with Hyacinth.”
Class Is Not Dismissed! Page 5