Garrison led Hyacinth to the chair next to Theo and gently nudged her to take a seat, much to Theo’s displeasure.
“Gee, Gary, you sure you don’t want to keep Hyhy next to you for lunch?”
“No, that’s all right. I don’t want to be greedy.”
Hyacinth immediately pulled her chair right next to Theo’s and smiled brightly. She then placed Celery on her shoulder and leaned toward the ferret. “Mad Mad?” Hyacinth called kindly across the table. “Celery wanted me to thank you for throwing us under the bus for being late to lunch.”
“I’d be careful, or I may throw your ferret under an actual bus,” Lulu said with a glare as she took the seat across from Hyacinth.
Hyacinth again leaned toward her ferret and listened. Without any warning she stood, grabbed her plate full of food, and smashed it on the floor.
“Sandwich killer,” Theo whispered as he inched away.
“How dare you?” Mrs. Wellington wailed. “That china is older than Schmidty!”
“Celery made me do it,” Hyacinth offered meekly. “She thinks Lulu poisoned our food.”
“Wow, that sounds a lot like a Theo story,” Lulu interjected.
“In other words,” Garrison explained, “totally made up.”
“Let the record show, I take offense at that,” Theo said indignantly.
“What is this record you keep referring to?” Madeleine wondered aloud.
“Hyacinth, you are a most insufferable child. Now sit down,” Mrs. Wellington said with crimson lips. “I was already at my wits’ end with those annoying Knapps, leaving flyers for canine acupuncture in the letterbox. And now you’ve robbed me of owning a complete set of china. You are not to be trusted with any more dishes; you will simply have to eat off the tablecloth from now on.”
“Hasn’t Mrs. Wellington suffered enough? She’s down to her last wig, and now she doesn’t have a complete set of china,” Theo murmured to Hyacinth.
“Absolutely appalling behavior,” Madeleine seconded angrily.
“Celery made me do it. It wasn’t my fault,” Hyacinth shamefacedly responded.
“Now for Grace,” Mrs. Wellington said as she reached for the centerpiece. But to her shock and dismay, the shell of Grace the turtle was missing. In honor of her having once saved Schmidty’s life, all residents of Summerstone knocked on Grace’s shell three times before eating.
“The burglar has taken Grace,” Mrs. Wellington mumbled as she stood up from the table.
“I’ve lost my appetite,” Schmidty babbled with tear-filled eyes as he waddled out of the dining room after Mrs. Wellington.
Without any regard for the emotional upheaval, Hyacinth began feeding Celery, who was perched on her shoulder. Rather surprisingly, the ferret easily ate off a fork and even closed her mouth while chewing.
“If I ever develop an allergy, I am going to make Macaroni my food tester,” Theo said while watching the ferret chew delicately. “But I’m not going to let him sit on my shoulder.”
“If I may inquire, how, precisely, did you train Celery to alert you to peanut products?” Madeleine asked sensibly.
“Well, it turns out she’s deathly allergic to peanuts, so if she dies, I’ll know there’s peanuts in there.”
“What kind of a pet owner are you?” Theo screamed. “Someone call PETA!”
“It’s a dangerous job, but someone’s got to do it…”
“Does Celery know she has this job? Because from the looks of it, I’m pretty sure she just thinks she’s a pet,” an agitated Theo said, embracing his role as animal protector.
Hyacinth yet again leaned toward Celery and listened, or pretended to listen, or whatever it was that she was doing.
“Celery says she is aware of the danger, but she’s up for the challenge, because I am her number one bestie. She also wanted me to tell you that she is sorry she called you a marshmallow, and that she thanks you for looking out for her.”
“Well, I am a hall monitor. It’s a rough gig, but as the principal says, I’m the only man for the job.”
“The only boy for the job,” Lulu interjected loudly.
“In Judaism a boy becomes a man at thirteen, and I am thirteen, Lulu.”
“Yes, but you’re not Jewish.”
“Yet! I haven’t decided on any one religion as of now. I’m keeping my options open, so if you’ll excuse me, I am in the middle of taking a compliment from a ferret.”
“Fine. We can discuss your potential conversion to Judaism later, but I should tell you that if you’re planning on having a bar mitzvah, I’m not getting you a gift.”
“Lulu,” Madeleine asked, “is that really necessary?”
“Fine, Theo, I’ll get you a gift.”
“Celery doesn’t think you should invite Lulu to your hypothetical bar mitzvah.”
“Tell your ferret to sleep with one eye open,” Lulu snapped back at Hyacinth.
“She always does. That way she can alert me if someone tries to leave the room while I am sleeping.”
“I’m awfully sorry, but I do not believe that it is possible for a ferret to sleep with one eye open,” Madeleine said firmly.
Hyacinth again leaned toward Celery, nodding her head every few seconds.
“Celery says that just because you have an accent doesn’t mean you have a veterinary degree, so back off.”
“Your ferret could use a lesson in manners,” Madeleine responded harshly.
CHAPTER 9
EVERYONE’S AFRAID OF SOMETHING:
Blennophobia is the fear of slime.
Mrs. Wellington and Schmidty somberly returned to the dining room as the children chatted over the remnants of lunch. The old woman resumed her place at the head of the table, whereupon Schmidty quickly reapplied her lipstick and rouge. The fresh coat of makeup left Mrs. Wellington looking more like a clown than ever, albeit a terribly sad clown.
“My most sincere apologies for exiting lunch so abruptly,” Mrs. Wellington said solemnly. “The loss of Grace greatly disturbed me. I can’t help but wonder what’s next? Stealing my false eyelashes? I will not allow it! We must fight this evil force! We must band together as an army!”
“Mrs. Wellington, I hate to interrupt, but I think you should know I’m a pacifist. That means no military organizations for me,” Theo explained. “However, I am open to joining a posse, especially if there are matching jackets involved.”
“Yes,” Hyacinth squealed, “we should totally get matching jackets. And let’s start a scrapbook/yearbook for all the memories we’re making.”
“Do I look like the scrapbook type?” Lulu responded wryly.
“Contestants, whether it be for an army or a posse, we must be strong. We must face our fears, if only to save me and my worldly possessions. So reapply your lipstick, we’re going to the Fearnasium,” Mrs. Wellington announced stoically before exiting the dining room.
“My mum prefers I not wear lipstick for another two years, so perhaps I’ll apply lip gloss or ChapStick,” Madeleine said to Schmidty and her fellow students.
“Do you have any flavored ChapSticks?” Theo asked. “Maybe cherry or root beer?”
“Theo, it’s not food,” Lulu snapped. “You can’t eat it.”
“Celery is feeling left out because she doesn’t have any lips,” Hyacinth said glumly. “Maybe we can apply eye shadow instead?”
“I believe it best we call off the makeup,” Schmidty declared as he headed toward the Great Hall. “Once a ferret is in eye shadow, we’re only one small step away from Macaroni in false eyelashes and rouge. And frankly, last time that occurred, he wasn’t himself for days after.”
Lulu, Madeleine, Garrison, and Theo, with Hyacinth attached to Theo’s arm, followed shortly thereafter. Mrs. Wellington sauntered femininely down the Great Hall, keeping in perfect synch with the ticking of the pocket watch embedded in the floor. She stopped in front of the faded plywood door to the Fearnasium and began fiddling with its lock.
“There is no great
er preparation for any army than mental preparation,” Mrs. Wellington asserted as she spun the combination dial.
“I thought we agreed to call it a posse,” Theo interjected.
“Yes, of course, the posse.”
“Madame is never so flexible with me,” Schmidty said sulkily.
“Sometimes it takes a man with a sash—a hall monitor, to be exact—to lay down the law,” Theo boasted while puffing out his chest.
“I’d like to call for a moratorium on Theo discussing being a hall monitor, effective immediately, to last for the remainder of his life, or at the very least my life,” Lulu stated loudly to the group.
“Joke all you want to, Lulu, but we both know that with the first sign of trouble, you’re going to call—”
“Garrison,” Madeleine interrupted. “Sorry, Theo, but I think we can all agree that Garrison is far calmer under pressure and a great deal braver than you are. But please believe me, if I ever wanted to make a sandwich, you would be my first call.”
“Finally,” Mrs. Wellington mumbled as she opened the door. “Welcome back to the Fearnasium, a gym for exercising your fears.”
The vast room roughly measured the dimensions of half a basketball court and was packed with contraptions, dentist’s chairs, coffins, needles, tombstones, puppets, and so much more. After decades of use, the Fearnasium was rather well stocked with the objects of nearly every childhood phobia imaginable. And if additional information were needed, there was always the Fearclopedia, a wall of leather-bound books spanning the spectrum from Aeronausiphobia to Zeusophobia.
“After me, contestants,” Mrs. Wellington announced as she led the pack past an aquarium holding tiger sharks, taxidermied owls, and miniature trolls in clear little plastic bags.
“I would just like to remind everyone that there’s nothing fantastic about using plastic,” Theo said as he pointed to the heap of plastic-encased trolls.
“Your slogans suck,” Lulu moaned.
“Hey, Lulu, why so hostile? I’m not the enemy. Carbon footprints are the enemy.”
Before Lulu could respond, a graveyard of antique porcelain dolls silenced her with their cracked faces, missing eyes, and chipped paint. As Madeleine, Theo, Hyacinth, Garrison, and Lulu moved, they felt a multitude of beady black eyes following them, while an up-tempo song wafted through the air. The computer-generated music sounded much like the theme song to The Price Is Right.
“Welcome to What’s the Worst That Could Happen?” Mrs. Wellington proudly announced as the group rounded a corner to see a bright and shimmering stage come into view. Bulbs flickered and flashed in a million colors as the music grew louder and Mrs. Wellington grabbed a microphone.
“Contestants, please take the stage,” Mrs. Wellington beamed manically into the microphone.
Overstimulated by the loud music and flashing lights, Hyacinth ran onto the stage and began jumping up and down. With her fists pumping and legs kicking, she was quite a sight. Even Celery appeared alarmed.
“I’ve never been on TV before!” Hyacinth screeched as Madeleine, Theo, Garrison, and Lulu took their places behind the row of podiums.
“Before we start today’s game of What’s the Worst That Could Happen?, I’d like to thank our studio sponsor—me. So thank you, me!” Mrs. Wellington belted out in a loud and overly confident tone. “And remember, only speak when spoken to, and always speak when spoken to! Heeerrrrre we go!”
“From the great state of Rhode Island, we have Miss Lulu Punchalower,” Mrs. Wellington said with her strange game-show-host inflection.
“And?”
“And, Lulu, we would like to know, what’s the worst that could happen if you were trapped in a bathroom without any windows?”
Lulu stared at Mrs. Wellington as small balls of spit exploded from her overly pink mouth. “Um, I guess I would yell and scream and bang on the door until someone heard me.”
“That’s it?”
“Well, I’d be freaking out too. My left eye would throb and my chest would tighten…”
“But you wouldn’t suddenly be drenched in curdled milk?”
“What? No!” Lulu quipped as a cascade of sour lumpy milk splashed down on her. “That smell,” Lulu said, gagging.
Mrs. Wellington quickly hit an obnoxious buzzer. “Remember, contestant, only speak when spoken to, unless you want more milk. And now, on to contestant Theo Bartholomew, from the great city of New York!”
Theo froze, unnerved by the sight and stench of Lulu.
“So, Theo, we would like to know, what’s the worst that could happen if you didn’t spy on your brothers and sisters?”
“Oh, I don’t know. Maybe injury, arrest, even death!” Theo theatrically shot back.
“Yes, well, those things could happen even with you watching them. We want to know what’s the worst thing that could happen to you if you couldn’t watch them.”
“Well, I would probably age at least two years in the course of one night, just from all my worrying.”
“But you wouldn’t be pelted with moldy cheese?”
Theo braced himself for the onslaught of moldy cheese but it didn’t come, much to Lulu’s annoyance. The girl was covered in two-week-old milk and was adamant that the others suffer similar fates.
“No, I don’t think that seems very likely, unless we were at an old-cheese warehouse,” Theo said calmly.
“And what about being splattered in fish oil?”
As Theo’s lips formed a response, thick and smelly oil washed over him.
“But I’m a vegetarian!” Theo protested as Mrs. Wellington turned to Madeleine.
“And now, from all the way across the pond, Madeleine Masterson, we would like to know what’s the worst that could happen if a spider sat next to you on a bench?”
“Well, I would grow terribly tense and nauseous, and then my skin would crawl as I fought the urge to vomit.”
“But even if you did in fact vomit, you wouldn’t be doused in honey and feathers?” Mrs. Wellington asked as a crude mix of honey and chicken feathers covered the young girl.
Garrison and Hyacinth, both tense with anticipation, surveyed the messy and smelly fates of their peers.
“Hyacinth, the youngest member of the group, from downtown Kansas City, we would like to know, what’s the worst that could happen if you were left alone?”
“Well, I would cry and feel really scared and disoriented.”
“But you wouldn’t be soaked in day-old bathwater, would you?”
Hyacinth, with Celery on her shoulder, closed her eyes as the brown water cascaded over her small body.
After Garrison was creamed by a puree of moldy peaches, the filthy, sticky, stinky, moldy fivesome, all of whom had indeed experienced the worst that could happen to them, were hosed down outside and sent for showers.
CHAPTER 10
EVERYONE’S AFRAID OF SOMETHING:
Somniphobia is the fear of sleep.
Dinner was an awfully mild-mannered affair compared to lunch. There was no plate smashing or messages from Celery. The long and arduous day had depleted everyone both mentally and physically, resulting in little to no conversation at dinner. And when Hyacinth requested that Mrs. Wellington force Madeleine and Lulu to let her sleep in their room, the old woman merely shrugged. Apparently she too was more than a tad exhausted.
Garrison, Theo, and a pajama-clad Macaroni fell fast asleep within five minutes of returning to their room. Theo didn’t even bother to do his usual mental goodnight to his parents and siblings. Tonight he simply closed his eyes and snuggled up to the snoring bulldog.
Unfortunately, the girls were not so efficient in falling asleep. But one must remember that they had both Hyacinth and Celery to contend with. The prospect of sleeping alone in her room had pushed Hyacinth into a state of absolute hysterics.
“Please,” Hyacinth said with big buglike eyes as she dropped to her knees in front of Lulu, “just let me sleep on the floor. You won’t even know I’m here. Celery and I
don’t snore or talk in our sleep. We’re so quiet we’re almost invisible.”
“No way, kid. I have had more than enough of you and that ferret today.”
“Lulu, perhaps we’re being a tad harsh,” Madeleine said. “She is only ten.”
“Yeah, I’m only ten and I’m immature for my age, so really it’s like I’m eight. Who would make an eight-year-old sleep alone in a strange old house while a burglar is on the loose and that other weird guy, Abernathy…”
“Lulu,” Madeleine said firmly, “we simply cannot leave her alone.”
“Fine,” Lulu acquiesced. “You can sleep in the doorway. That way, if the burglar comes back, he’ll trip over you first.”
“Lulu, is that morally correct?” Madeleine protested. “Using a child as our alarm system?”
“It’s totally fine. We’re in the gray area between right and wrong. Nothing to worry about, Maddie, I promise.”
Hyacinth and Celery laid their pink sleeping bag in front of the door as Madeleine put on her night veil and crawled into bed. Lulu watched Madeleine closely, remembering the days when she insisted on wearing the veil everywhere. They really had come a long way since last summer. Perhaps there was something to Mrs. Wellington’s methods after all.
Early the next morning, Theo cracked open his sleepy brown eyes, unsure exactly what was happening. He couldn’t put his finger on it, but something was terribly wrong. He attempted to call for Garrison, but he couldn’t. There appeared to be something wedged in his mouth. Theo’s mind immediately jumped to the burglar. Was it possible that he had been tied up without ever waking? But wait, his arms and legs were wholly unrestrained. Theo lifted his left arm slowly off the bed. His stomach began to rumble as his hand neared his mouth. As Theo’s fingertips grazed something rough, similar to a wool sock, the boy began to perspire. He started to pull the object out of his mouth. Seconds later, he recognized what it was—a ferret.
Theo sat up as he dragged Celery’s head across his lips. With tears in his eyes he looked at the ferret’s face and tried to scream, but Celery had left far too much fur in his mouth, silencing his bloodcurdling howl. As Celery scampered off Theo’s bed, the disturbed boy turned to Garrison, who was still conked out. Deciding that Madeleine and Lulu would be more helpful, he dashed through the bathroom into the girls’ room. Lulu and Madeleine were both fast asleep when Theo barged in.
Class Is Not Dismissed! Page 6