Here & Now

by Melyssa Winchester

  Oh I’m gonna more than move.

  Paying extra attention to every word, only breaking away from those lips long enough to kiss a line of tenderness down her jaw to her neck, all of my senses aware of the way her skin burns the same way as mine, I taste her, answering back every move of her body with one of my own until I’m moving faster and we’re both panting, overheated and damn near breathless.

  “I love you. Only you.”

  Responding to my admission, her body lifts and the way it felt when she was laying back is magnified until I’m pretty sure I’ve got a second or two at best before I lose myself, giving into her completely. The way it feels with her body sitting up this way, it’s like I’m everywhere and nowhere at the same time.

  It’s never felt like this, not ever and I have no idea what to do with the influx. My head is so full of feeling, raw emotion and impulse that it’s my undoing. Cadence is completely unravelling me.

  “I—” she practically whispers, her voice so breathless no other words follow, our bodies now as close as we can get and me as deep as I can possible go, connected in the most primal way possible.

  “You what, baby? Tell me.”

  “I—I love you too.”

  Closing my eyes, losing myself in the way she feels, tastes and sounds with the words she’s just spoken, I give in. All control I had in the moment, it’s gone. I’m completely spent. She’s broken me down again until there’s nothing left but the rubble that used to be me and my self-control.

  My last thought as her names falls from my lips while I lean her back again, devouring her lips with my own, moving slowly inside her, isn’t one of love the way I expect.

  It’s one that if spoken aloud, would definitely earn me a slap.

  So much for her argument about not having enough time.

  Chapter Eleven

  Cadence

  Over the last year, there have been certain times where all I’ve wanted is for time to slow down. It’s not because things are moving too fast or that I feel like I need to catch up in some way. It’s because if they kept going at the same speed they were, I wouldn’t get to savor them as much.

  Moments alone with Dillon, movie nights with my mom, the way it feels when I first hug my dad when he gets home from a business trip. The things that matter. The ones you want to enjoy for as long as humanly possible.

  Since Dillon’s come home and school has started up again, time seems to crawl and not in a good way. I swear one day can feel like three and I begin to wonder at times if the calendar is even changing at all.

  That’s not the case now.

  In the blink of an eye, time has zipped and it’s time for me to put up or shut up. It’s time for my surgery.

  The doctor got us here bright and early, Dillon picking us up just the way he promised and even though he drove with care, we still made it to the hospital a whole lot faster than I was expecting. He’s been in and gotten me prepped, explaining again to both my mom and my boyfriend exactly what it is he’s about to do, along with all of the risks.

  He’s doing his job, but the last thing I want to hear about at seven in the morning is risks. I know all of those, I’ve been afraid of those for years. I definitely don’t need to hear them again five minutes before I go under his steady hand and a proverbial knife.

  None of this seems to phase Dillon, and my mom has been wearing the same smile since she woke up this morning. Their faith is strong and even though I’m not quite as afraid as I probably should be, it’s still there and I’ve got a little less faith than them about the end result.

  Can I really come out of this, have everything go right and in a few months be able to hear? Is this really my life? Can I really be this lucky?

  His hand on my face, Dillon turns me into him, his gaze lowering until it’s making direct contact with mine.

  “I am going to be right outside that door. The second they let me see you, I’m gonna be all over you and no one is gonna pull me away. You got that?”

  Nodding my head, my eyes fall away long enough to look at my mom standing behind him, a sheen of tears in her eyes. Whether they’re happy tears for what I’m about to go through or worried ones, is irrelevant. The fact that she’s here, and can hear every single word he’s telling me, believing in it judging by the smile on her face, it’s more than enough. It fills me with security and love.

  I’ve got the two strongest people in the world here with me today. If they think I can do this and stay strong throughout, I can. I won’t let them down.

  “You should go to class. The doctor said the surgery was going to last a few hours, you don’t need to be here for all of it.”

  Logic and sense are a romantic’s worst nightmare. It may seem as though I’m pushing him away when the reality is, I’m just trying to give him an easy out. Dillon has spent more than enough time in hospitals over the last year and I definitely don’t want to subject him to more, especially with the way his mind works.

  If it hits worst case scenario, he’s gonna be a wreck until he sees me again in five hours or more. I can’t have that.

  “I’m sorry. I could have sworn you heard me the first time I said it.” he replies, again his eyes on mine, his expression serious, but not cold. Just full of love the way he has been for weeks now. “I am not going anywhere. I’m going to be here, my ass planted in the waiting room chair, not moving an inch until your doctor says I can see you, touch you and be with you. School can wait.”

  “But—”

  “No arguments.” He states simply before leaning his forehead onto mine and speaking again. “I need to be here so here’s where I’m gonna stay.”

  I’m not sure how smart it is to have your heart melt before going into surgery, but with what he’s said combined with the look in his eyes, it’s a miracle I’m not a mess someone needs to mop up off the floor. Just when I think the way he feels for me can’t be any more potent and fierce, he finds a way to show me that it can.

  “Okay.”

  Backing away as an arm comes to rest on my shoulder, what I know to be the familiar touch of my mom, he turns me until all I can see is her soft smile. The one she uses when she’s trying to mask everything else she’s feeling in order to keep me calm and in control.

  “You need to get in bed honey. It won’t be long now before they come to take you into the operating room.”

  She makes a good point but I’m not ready to say goodbye to them yet. The old familiar fear is still there under the surface and as long as one or both of them stays with me, I don’t have to put my focus on it. A feeling she must understand and sympathize with because her grip around the hand Dillon isn’t holding tightens.

  “You’re gonna be fine, and we’ll both be here when it’s over.”

  When I’m settled and ready, my mom taking up residence in a chair next to the door while Dillon lays with me in the bed, my body pressed into the side of his, our hands connected with him continuously rubbing his fingers over my knuckles, time moves, but at just the right pace for me until the door opens and my doctor, along with the rest of the team steps through.

  Tensing the minute I lay eyes on him, Dillon squeezes my hand repeatedly until I finally break away and look up.

  “Thirty seconds on the clock, it’s time for you to shine.”

  Laughing when he notices my furrowed brow, he leans in again until just like before, we’re pressed together and the rest of the world around us becomes a faded memory.

  “Touchdown.”

  Dillon

  This is taking way too long. She should have been out by now. I’ve paced every hall I can possibly pace down, and no matter how many times I go back to the waiting room and look at Sarah, she just shrugs with a depressing frown and I’m right back where I started.

  Four hours. That’s how long I’ve been out here repeating the same steps, trying to focus on the fact that when she comes out of this, she’s still gonna be the same girl, and not on the risks the doctor warned us about way to
o many damn times to count.

  Pushing away thoughts of them shaving her hair, cutting into her head and placing a receiver there that will be able to transmit sound to her in a few weeks when she gets fitted for the implant. Ignoring the dark road my mind wants to go down where the thought of them somehow making a mistake could end up with the woman I love hurt in ways that can never be fixed.

  God, someone needs to come out here and say something before I lose it.

  I’m getting bored and added to the frustration I feel at being out here when I damn well want to be in there with her, it’s not a good combo. It also doesn’t help that all this walking is killing my leg and the shot I had given to me by Mark at the ass crack of dawn this morning isn’t helping.

  My knee, maybe even my entire leg, is seriously fucked.

  Nope. Not doing this. Right now my pain is the last thing I need to be focusing on.

  Shit. I’m seriously gonna lose it if someone doesn’t tell me something soon.

  Cadence warned me not to get my hopes up so I did my best not to, instead focusing on the entire thing instead of just the end result, but the more I sit here and think about it all, the worse it gets. My girl can’t come out of that operating room worse than when she went in. I won’t allow it.

  I’m such a fucking idiot. I had the prime opportunity right before her doctor wheeled her away to tell her that no matter what happened I would love her just the same and instead I blew it by using the first thing that popped into my head.

  Football.

  Being in a championship game and having the last few seconds of it ticking away on the scoreboard, everyone in the stands and on the field completely aware that it’s these seconds more than any other in the game that mean everything. Standing at the line of scrimmage, catching and throwing the ball to a running back, having him dance effortlessly through the opposing teams’ defensive line until we’re scoring the touchdown that brings the damn championship home.

  That’s what I choose to focus on and speak about.

  I really need to remember everything I learned about girls because it’s obvious if football is where I take it, I don’t know shit.

  The way she smiled at me though, man, it was electric. It was like maybe what I said wasn’t such a bonehead move after all and she understood what I was getting at. It also helps that she leaned in and kissed every thought out of my head before they took her away too.

  She has to be okay. I won’t settle for it if she’s not. If they fuck her up and she comes out of this damaged, I don’t care what it costs me, I will make the world fucking pay.

  “You’re worried.”

  Sarah.

  Of course it’s her. The one person that might be feeling something close if not more than what I am is finally starting to see my walls break. The insanity that all of these thoughts in my head are driving me to and she’s gonna call me on it.

  “Understatement of the century.”

  “Cadence is strong and the fact that she got to this point is a huge step for her.”

  “I know all of that. It doesn’t make it any easier to deal with though. I just wish they’d come out and tell us she’s okay.”

  “They will when they can.”

  Sometimes I wonder if this is what I’m going to sound like when I’m an adult. I could argue that I’m an adult right now and I sound nothing like it, but let’s face it. I act like a total ass a lot of the time, so adult isn’t even on my radar. Probably won’t be for a while either.

  “Have you given any thought to what you’re going to do if this doesn’t work out?”

  “It’s going to work out.” I answer, my tone matter of fact. “But if it doesn’t, so what? She’s still Caddy. It changes nothing.”

  “Sometimes I have a hard time believing that it’s you saying these things to me.”

  “Not the first time I’ve heard that.” I laugh. “You’re also not the only one having a hard time believing it, but you’ve only got yourself and your daughter to blame for it.”

  “Somehow I doubt that.”

  “You’d be wrong.”

  “I think in this case I’m right, Dillon. It’s the same thing we spoke about last year even if it is surprising for me still. She might have helped you get there, maybe even I did too, but if you didn’t want to be the person standing here right now, you wouldn’t be. This is all on you.”

  There’s no argument I can make here. I know she’s right, but I still think they need to take a lot of the credit. They gave me something no one else ever did and in a way that could penetrate my thick head. A lot of other adults tried, hell, even Kayden did at one point, but nothing got through because they weren’t doing it the way Caddy and her mom did.

  What they did made all the difference.

  “I’m scared.”

  “Me too, but the doctors in there working on her; are the best in the country. There is no one I trust more to get her through this then them. All of that faith you’ve had over the last few weeks, pushing Cadence to this point, you need to focus on that now. She’s in good hands.”

  Another instance of where she’s right and with the smile I’m getting from her now, she knows it. She’s so much like her daughter, it’s scary. I can’t win when it comes to Cadence either.

  “Now tell me something.”

  “Okay?”

  “How long has your leg been giving you issues?”

  Shit.

  I knew all that walking was doing more harm than good. Now Sarah’s caught on and it won’t be long given the way we are before I spill my guts and tell her everything. Something I swore to Mark I wouldn’t do. I’ve got too much riding on this to screw up now.

  “A few weeks, off and on. Seems to get more aggravated the more I walk on it though.”

  “Have you had it looked at?”

  “Yeah, the team trainers have and I’ve got an appointment next week to have it looked at by a doctor.”

  Lie number one and the first of many that I’m sure are gonna make me feel like shit. I can’t tell her the truth. I’ll fix the shit with my leg on my own. Her focus needs to be on Caddy.

  The excuses and lies come so easily it turns my stomach. Sarah Taylor gives a shit about me and I respect the hell out of her, yet here I am defaulting back to the one thing I know best and lying to her face because the big tough football god doesn’t need to deal with anyone feeling anything for him.

  Maybe I’m not the pansy girl Bruce made me out to be after all.

  “Good. The longer you go without real treatment, the worse it could be for you in the long run.”

  “I know.”

  “Have you told Cadence?”

  “Didn’t seem like I should with everything she’s got to deal with right now. I can handle it.”

  “Boys.” She sighs exasperatedly. “You never cease to amaze me with your total lack of insight.”

  “Is this where you let me in on the secret?”

  “You being here for Cadence, wanting to stay the entire time even though I can obviously see that it’s getting to you. Don’t you think that she would want to return the favor for you?”

  Of course I see that. I’m not blind, but it doesn’t mean I have to let it happen. Besides, the appointment is made up anyway and I’m not gonna tell Caddy a lie. It might seem easy to do standing here with her mom, but that’s only because it’s not her. There’s no way in hell I’m gonna lie right to my girlfriends face.

  “I know she would, but a little pain in my knee is shit compared to what she’s facing, so right now, this is where her attention needs to be. Mine too.”

  “Fair enough.” She agrees, resigning herself to the fact that she’s not going to get anywhere with this. “Just don’t wait too long to tell her, alright? Cadence loves you, the same, if not more than you do her and she would want to be there for you, no matter how big or small this is.”

  “I won’t.”

  She turns and sits back down in one of the chairs again and as I watch
her ago, my own words come back around. I mean it. I won’t wait too long. I will handle whatever this is going on with me and when I do, Cadence will know about it, but not yet. Not until I’ve seen her through this. I was right when I said that. This—the moment we’re in right now—is where my focus and attention needs to be and if someone doesn’t come out here and tell me something soon, the whole damn hospital is gonna know it.

  I can worry about myself later.

  Cadence

  They’ve told me that the surgery went well about six times and it isn’t sinking in. I’ve also heard that there were no complications and how hopeful they are that at my fitting in about four to six weeks everything will turn out well. That’s going in the same way as the other stuff, yet not leaving a lasting impression either.

  It might have something to do with the death grip a certain someone has on my hand now that we’re together again, and it might also be because every single time I’ve tried to process all of this, that same person has kissed me and made it so the only thing I can focus on is him.

  The ways I react to Dillon, especially right now after going through what I did, they’re almost too intense for me. I’m not used to this. Waking up each day, going to school, following this set routine all day long until I end up falling asleep at night, that’s what I’m used to. Not this. The overwhelming need I have to kick everyone but him out of the room so we can continue doing what we started to the night before and never got to finish.

  Is this normal? Do all girls experience this or are my hormones somehow screwed up? Could it be that the wiring in my brain isn’t like anyone else’s for more than just the obvious reasons and it’s just another thing I’m going to have to see a doctor about?

  Turn that frown upside down, Adrian.

  He’s on the bed with me again, but this time he came in bearing gifts. A notepad and a pen along with a whole lot of memories of us writing back and forth a year ago.

  Honestly with the stress of seeing this through and the worry that things wouldn’t turn out quite the way they were supposed to, I’m glad for the chance not to have to open my mouth. I’m definitely happy to see a pen and paper.