You can learn a lot about someone by watching them when they’re doing something that keeps their attention off you. Like the way Ryder is now. Focused on the road in front of us, driving along with the radio on low, not a word being shared between us, I can just sit here and study him.
The way he grips the wheel stands out first. If I looked close enough right now, I’m sure I could see his knuckles protruding through his skin with how tight his grip is. It makes me curious as to what would make him do that.
Just what has he gone through in his life that makes him react the way he does? Why does he get a vacant look in his eye whenever he sees Dillon and I together, and why does he always seems so sad when he’s not aware anyone else is watching?
Feeling a brush on my arm and jumping backward, Ryder smiles before gesturing through the windshield.
“You wanna tell me what road I need to take next?”
“When you get to the next stop light, take a right and you’ll be on my street.”
“Okay. So you wanna tell me what I have on my face?”
“Huh?”
“Even though I’ve been focusing on the drive, I’ve felt your eyes on me. So do I have something on my face or not?”
Thankful for the darkness of the car so he can’t catch the blush that’s now appearing, I shake my head. There’s most definitely nothing on his face, but there might be some egg on mine with how mortified I am at being caught staring at him, even if it was innocent.
“Nothing on your face.”
“Well then, I hate to be the one to break this to you, but we can’t be a thing because you’re dating my friend.”
With the speed at which my head whips around, Ryder cracks under the pressure and laughs. In all of the time I’ve spent around him, I think this is the first time I’ve really seen him relax enough to laugh. It’s nice.
Putting his focus back on the road, his grip back to being tight as ever, a comfortable silence falls around us. When I see him turn onto my street, the realization that the ride is about to come to an end hitting me hard, I see an opportunity to get information and I run with it.
“Can I ask you something?”
“Sure.” He says, bringing the car to a slow crawl as my house comes into view. “What’s on your mind?”
“Has Dillon seemed different to you lately?”
“Different how?”
“I don’t know, exactly. Angrier, more aggressive, intense?”
“You’re talking about a guy that spends a good portion of his day surrounded by a bunch of guys on the football field. We all bleed intensity and aggression, Cadence. You wanna be more specific?”
Sighing, knowing that none of this is going to make any sense but needing to get it out there in case Ryder’s seen some of the same things I have, I try to put it into words he’ll understand by giving as much information as I have.
“The other night when we were together…”
“I’m gonna stop you right there. What the two of you do together is private. Not sure I wanna know the details.”
“Not details, just trying to explain.”
Thinking about all of this again when I spent the night completely blocking it from my mind, it’s making me emotional. I feel the tears building and falling and before I can wipe them away, he reaches across the car and wipes them for me.
“You’re worried about him.”
“Yeah.”
“Tell me why you’re so worried.”
“He pushed himself on me the other night. It was scary. I mean one minute everything was fine and the next it was like this switch went off in his brain and he wasn’t the same person anymore. Then there’s what happened today when we were moving his stuff in.”
“What happened today?”
“It was like he had unlimited energy. He kept pushing himself even though everyone knows how bad his knee is and didn’t stop until everything was done. I want to believe it’s nothing, but I can’t.”
“Well, maybe your head won’t let you believe it because there is more going on.”
“Do you know anything? I mean, have you seen him acting this erratic at practice or in any classes?”
“No, but that doesn’t mean he’s not doing it when I’m not around. If what’s already happened has you this worried, I’d say you have to trust your gut and believe there is something going on here.”
“And you have no idea what it could be?”
His face sinks in and his eyes shift downward, making me believe he might know a little more than he’s letting on, but before I can ask him about it, he answers.
“I have a few ideas of what could be causing that, but I mean, from what I know about Dillon, I don’t think any of them are right. So, no. I don’t know anything for sure, but if you’re that worried about it, I can talk to him at practice and see what I can find out.”
“You’d do that for me?”
“It’s not really for you is it? It’s for both of us and for him.”
“It’s just, he’s been through a lot and the last thing I want to happen is for him to go back to the way he used to be.”
Ryder nods his understanding and rubs my shoulder softly before driving the car forward again, this time not stopping until he’s pulled all the way into my driveway and the overhead light of the house flicks on, signaling my mom being home and waiting inside.
“Caddy, I know it’s gonna be hard, but try not to worry about it, okay? You had a good time with him tonight from the way things looked when I walked in, so focus on that. Whatever it is you think is going on, it’s only going to make you worse than him if you focus on it for too long. I’ll talk to him.”
“Thank you.”
“For what?”
“Listening…and for the ride home.”
“Anytime. Well, it’s anytime as long as you promise not to stare at me like you want to eat me next time.”
“I didn’t do that.”
“Yes, Caddy, you did, but it’s alright. I can’t help that I’m this delicious, just like you can’t help that you react to it.”
“Anyone ever tell you that you’re kind of an egomaniac?”
“You know, I might have heard that a few times.”
“Well, as long as you know.” I respond with a laugh and as I turn and open the door, sliding off the seatbelt in order to slide out; his hand rakes out across the seat and stops me.
“I know everything is kind of confusing right now, but no matter how bad it gets, don’t give up, okay? Dillon’s lucky to have someone like you in his corner.”
Giving him a weak smile, I say a final goodbye and make my way out of the car and up the steps, pausing only when I get to the door to watch as he pulls out.
There is definitely more to Ryder Kane then anyone really knows, and for the first time since everything happened a few days ago, I don’t fear what’s waiting around the bend because I’m not dealing with it alone anymore.
I’ve got help.
Chapter Twenty-One
Dillon
“I don’t know what changed, Murphy, but keep it up. You keep performing at this rate and for the first time in ten years, we’re guaranteed to take the championship.”
What changed, well that’s easy, but it’s not like I can tell him. All he needs to know is that I’m gonna do what needs to be done and be a beast on the field.
“You kept telling me to get my head out of my ass and in the game. Just taking your advice, Coach.”
“About damn time one of ya did.”
When he laughs, I laugh along with him, pushing down the seed of guilt I feel at getting this praise from him and knowing the real reason it’s happening.
It wasn’t supposed to be like this, but I didn’t have any other option. I wasn’t willing to listen to what the surgeon told me when I spoke to him and instead chose to play and work through the pain. The only way I’m walking away from this is when I’m dead.
“I’ll see you out there.”
Wi
th a slap on the back, he heads out and turning back to my locker, I slam my fist down hard and watch as it pops open. Doing a quick scan around, making sure I’ve got the place to myself, I slip the bottle off the top shelf and twist it open before shaking two pills into my hand.
Putting it back up and grabbing the now warm bottle of water down, I slip them both into my mouth, as far back into my throat as they’ll go and pour the water down until they’re swallowed.
Taking them this late, it might mean that for the first bit of practice I play like shit, but once I’m out there and the adrenaline kicks in, it won’t last very long. I’ll be in top form, showing my coach again why when I got here months ago, he made the right choice making me first string.
“How long are you gonna keep this up?”
Shit. I knew it was only a matter of time before I got into it with him again. He’s been doing this a lot lately. Hiding in the shadows and waiting until I’m alone to go off for the shit I’m doing to get this team on top where it belongs.
I don’t give a fuck that this isn’t the way Ryder Kane does business. It’s the way I do it and right now, it’s working, so he needs to can the concern.
“Until we’re bringing the provincial championship back where it belongs.”
“Do you have any idea what you’re messing with?”
“Yeah, Dad. I’m aware. It seems to be all I’m aware of with the way you can’t seem to shut up talking about it.”
“Someone’s gotta do it since you can’t seem to do it yourself.”
“What I do is none of your business. We’re out there and we’re winning games, which if you haven’t seen; is making Coach happier than a pig in shit. When he’s happy, all of our lives are easier. Not really seeing a downside here.”
“You want downsides? How about you being six feet under before your 21st birthday?”
“Not gonna happen.”
People really need to get a clue. I know the statistics of shit like this. I looked into all of it before this started. I’m not those people and the shit that happened to them, won’t happen to me. Besides, I don’t plan on doing this forever. It’s just for now. I can stop whenever the hell I want.
“Dill, what you’re doing, it is my fucking business. You’re my roommate besides being my teammate. We’re also friends. What you’re doing, it’s gonna come back on you and not in a good way.”
“Already got a dad, Kane, so how about you lay off the speeches. I know what I’m doing. I’ve got this.”
“Oh really?” he snaps, shooting a look toward the coaches office before turning back into me and lowering his voice. “If you’re so in control of everything, tell me something. Does your girlfriend know what you’re up to?”
Of course he’s gonna do this shit. Ever since he met Cadence at the bar, they’re close. It’s something I’ve never had a problem with until now. There’s no way I’m gonna stand here and let him get involved in my relationship.
Cadence knows what she needs to know. End of story.
“You’re so fucked up off the stuff that you can’t even answer a simple question. Yeah, Murphy, you’re right. You’ve totally got this.”
“What if I tell you that she doesn’t know, huh? You gonna run like a little girl and tell her everything?”
“You’re an asshole, ya know that?”
“Didn’t you get the memo? It’s not fucking news. I’ve always been an asshole. The way I figure it, you should have already figured that out considering how much you like them and all.”
It’s a low blow, but it gives me what I want. Ryder finally shuts up. Now all I need is for him to get the fuck out of my business and I’ll be set. I don’t care if he thinks he’s being a friend, I don’t need this shit right now. Not with the practice from hell on the horizon and a really important game less than two days away.
Looks like he needs to take a page from my book and get his head in the game.
“I’m worried about you.”
“Your concern is touching, really it is, but I’ll tell you the same thing I tell Caddy whenever she starts this shit. I’m fine. There’s nothing to worry about.”
“And I’ll tell you what I know.”
“Of course you will.” I answer snidely, shooting him an eye roll I hope to hell he catches. “You always do.”
“Wow. You’re even worse off than I thought.”
“How so?”
“You’ve been a douchebag from day one. I sort of expect that really, considering the God complex you’ve been living under since you started playing ball. Hell, I’ve been known to have one of those myself, but at least I know when to reign it in. You’re so fucked up on amphetamines, you can’t control any of it, much less yourself.”
“Do you enjoy having me call you Dad? Maybe I should switch it around and start calling you Daddy, huh? I hear that turns people like you on.”
“Fuck off, Dill. I’m not trying to lecture you. I just want you to see sense.”
“I see just fine, thanks.”
We’re in a standoff, both of us having things we want to say, comebacks we need to make, but neither of us doing it. It’s just a stare down. Ryder’s being one of surprise and maybe even a little disappointment, and mine, I’m sure showing just how much I don’t give a fuck.
“You wanna keep doing this shit and then telling yourself you don’t have a problem, fine. But if it ever comes up with the coaches, I’m not covering for you anymore.”
He’s bluffing. He’s got as much to hide as me, even though he tries his best to make it appear as though I’m wrong. There’s no way in hell he’s gonna out me and what I’ve been doing to carry our team to the top. He wants this championship as much as I do.
I’ve got nothing to worry about.
“This coming from the guy holding on to a pretty big secret that he doesn’t want the rest of the team to know.”
“You’ve got no fucking idea what I’m holding on to, so don’t even try to pretend you get it. You wanna spout your shit off to the rest of the team, go ahead. Let’s see how many actually believe you. Go ahead, Dill, tell the world what you think my secret is. I dare you.”
I’ll give this guy some credit, he’s a phenomenal bullshitter. I didn’t think anyone could sling the crap as good as me or even Kayden could, but damn, right now he’s giving us a run for our money. Too bad I don’t buy any of it. He’s scared. He knows I’ve got him. He won’t say shit about me because he doesn’t want to take the risk.
“Whatever, Ry. Do whatever you want. I don’t care.”
“That much is obvious, and you know, I’d be fine if it was just you that you’re hurting, but it’s not.”
Here he goes again. I’m gonna get read the riot act because my girlfriend doesn’t know everything. She’s got enough fucking shit going on with her fitting for the hearing device coming up. I’m not gonna tell her this shit and steal her focus away. Her hearing means more than the shit I’m doing here.
“Leave Caddy out of this. She’s none of your business.”
“She became my business the minute you told me to look after her a few weeks ago, asshole. This girl would take on an entire team of angry fucking players for you, probably face down a murderer and you treat her like crap!”
“You don’t know shit.”
“I know a lot more than you think. Like for instance, how worried she is about you because she says you’re acting different lately and she’s wondering if the pressure on the field is too much. And how she wanted me to watch out for you because she doesn’t think anyone else here gives a fuck.”
Damnit. I don’t want to buy into anything he’s saying, but there’s truth there. I know how worried she is about me, the way she feels and how much she does give a shit, so what he’s saying, I know for a fact it’s the truth. I just don’t want it to be.
I’m already carrying around enough loathing, guilt and hate over what I’m doing, how I’m no better than my mom and my dad combined. I don’t need to have more s
hoveled on.
Fuck.
“She’s talking to you about me?”
“Yeah man she is, because despite what you think, she knows I give a shit about what happens to you.”
“I’m touched.”
Ignoring my sarcasm, he throws his body down onto the bench and levels me with a look that says whatever it is he’s about to unload, I’m not gonna like.
“When I first got here, I expected shit from the other guys and you know what? I got it, but not from the one guy that should have been coming at me the hardest. You were testy at first, but after that, I mean we’ve gotten along great. Shit man, we’re living together. I don’t do that with people. Ever. I deal better on my own, but you and me, we’re a lot alike and it felt fucking natural. Despite what you think, I care about you, but I also care about Caddy too.”
“That’s great man. I’m playing the world’s smallest violin for you. Can you please just spit out whatever it is you’re trying to say?”
“Something needs to give here. You need to get your head on straight, play for real and not with the help of the damn pills and you need to stop shutting your girlfriend out before someone else comes along, sees how amazing she is and steals her while you’re busy getting high.”
Anyone else getting their hands on my girlfriend, is never gonna happen. She’s mine and I don’t care how many asses I have to kick to get that point across. I’ll do it. Cadence isn’t going anywhere.
“My head is on straight. I’m thinking clearer and playing better than I have in years. You’re reading too much into this and trust me, Caddy isn’t going anywhere.”
“That’s where you’re wrong. She knows something’s off and it’s only gonna be a matter of time before she figures out exactly what that is and after the shit with your mom, you really think she deserves more?”
No, she doesn’t deserve it, but this isn’t about her. It’s about me. The same way I need her, I need this. I can’t just give up and walk away, settle for a life of nothingness off the field. I need more and I’m gonna do whatever it takes to get it.
It’s not like I’m hurting her with this anyway.
“Like I said, Caddy and I are fine and you’re worrying for nothing. You’ll see. When we win the next couple of games and enter the conference finals, all of this shit is gonna be worth it.”
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