“Nothing is worth losing the people you love. Nothing.”
Slipping himself off the bench, he turns and stalks toward the door, those last words obviously the last ones he’s willing to say and considering how off the entire exchange has been, there’s no way I’m calling out to him so he can turn around and continue.
If he’s done, I’m done.
He doesn’t believe anything I’ve got to say, well, I guess I’m going to have to show him. There’s not a damn thing wrong with me and I’ve got this completely under control.
I’m gonna make Ryder Kane eat his words.
Cadence
The last person I expect to see after getting off the bus and walking the few feet to my door is Ryder. I don’t know what it is about seeing him, but it makes alarm bells go off in my head.
Did something happen to Dillon? Is he hurt and Ryder’s here to bring me to him?
Startled by the sound of my shoes on the walkway, he turns and at first I see that his expression is serious, maybe even a little strained from stress, but he quickly tries to mask it as he paints on a reassuring smile.
Having done the same kind of thing with other people in the past, making them believe things are okay when really they aren’t, it puts me on edge and makes me think again that he’s here because something really did happen to Dillon.
Moving up the walkway and stopping just shy of where he’s standing, I waste no time. I get right to the point. I need him to tell me that Dillon is okay so I can breathe again. With all of the worries I’ve had about him over the last few weeks, how I’ve noticed him changing, a little reassurance right now would be amazing.
“What are you doing here?”
“I need to talk to you about something.”
“Is Dillon okay?”
“Depends on your version of okay, but the last I saw him, yeah, he was fine.” He pauses, looks back toward my front door quickly before picking up again. “Can we go inside?”
“Of course. Come on.”
Making my way to the door with him close on my heels, I unlock it, slipping the keys into the bowl by the front door the second I’m inside and making my way into the kitchen. Grabbing out two bottles of water before turning around and handing one over to him, I motion to the table as soon as he takes it.
Sliding the chair out, I watch as he practically throws himself down into it, his shoulders sagging, his face and eyes worn and deflated and I know that whatever it is he’s here to talk about, it’s hurting him almost as much as I’m sure it’s going to hurt me.
Ryder isn’t like most people. A lot of the time he can keep his emotions in check, but right now, it’s like he’s holding nothing back. It’s all on display for me and it hurts.
He might be Dillon’s friend, but seeing him like this isn’t right.
“What did you mean by what you said earlier?”
“You mean what I said about what your version of okay is?”
“Yeah.”
“Cadence, I don’t want to do this. D is a friend, but I need help.”
“Help with what?”
“Something’s going on. I know you know what I mean because you mentioned it the other night in the car. It’s been happening for the last couple of weeks. At first I thought what I saw was wrong, but after what happened before practice today, I know it’s not and I can’t hide it anymore.”
“I’m sorry, I don’t follow. What happened today and how do you think I can help?”
“Dill,” he starts and I can see by the way he’s picking at his hands that whatever he’s trying to get out is a struggle.
“Dillon what, Ryder?”
“You remember how you said that lately he seems off? Like something’s going on, but you can’t figure out what?”
“Yeah. Did you figure out what it is?”
He nods and his eyes lower from mine to the table and I can feel my heart sinking along with them. Ryder knows what’s going on with Dillon and from the way this entire conversation has gone already, along with the way he’s physically reacting, it’s bad.
Very, very bad.
“Caddy, he’s taking shit.”
“Taking what?”
He runs his hands through his hair, practically yanking them across his face as he releases a sigh and what was left of the happy feeling inside me, twists until all that’s left is worry and concern.
“Amphetamines. A lot of it from the way he’s been acting.”
Amphetamines. In other words, drugs.
No, this can’t be right. He’s a lot of things to a lot of people, but a drug user isn’t one of them and besides that, if he was taking them, wouldn’t I have noticed something with all of the time we’ve been spending together?
“You’re wrong. Dillon wouldn’t do that. You know how he feels about that after everything with his mom.”
“I do know that, but I saw him with my own eyes, twice now. At first I didn’t think anything about it because they looked like vitamins, ya know? Or maybe even pain pills, which considering everything with his knee, makes sense, but I know what I saw today.”
“Did you say anything to him about it?”
“Yeah and just like I expected, he didn’t deny it. He also didn’t seem to think it was a problem.”
I’ve seen the way Dillon handles the way his mom is, her issues with pills and the way he says it changed her. I have a hard time believing this even though I don’t see Ryder as much of a liar. I have an even harder time coming to terms with the fact that Dillon wouldn’t take this seriously and know deep down it was a problem.
This is a serious problem and making light of it isn’t going to help anyone.
The worst thing about all of this is that it’s something I should know. I saw the signs of him acting different. The way he would look at me differently, sometimes even snap at me, almost as if he was annoyed. All signs that there was something serious going on, but signs I overlooked because the times we were together, I wanted to have them be special and not littered with worries.
“I don’t know what to do with this.”
With Ryder being as honest as he is with me, I feel that I need to do the same with him. Finding out about this, I’m feeling so many things and I don’t know what to do with them all. I’m sad because it never should have gotten to this point with him. Then just as quickly as I feel sad, I feel mad.
How dare he do something so stupid and reckless, especially with everything his own mother is going through? Doesn’t he care at all about his life and what all of this will mean for not only him, but us in the future? Along with that anger comes the flood of knowledge that he’s hiding it from me. Something that I never thought he had it in him to do, especially after everything last year.
Anger, upset, sadness, mistrust, it all just runs together until trying to force it down, not let Ryder see just how deeply this is affecting me becomes a total fail and it all comes pouring out.
“Cadence, please don’t cry. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to come here and just drop this on you.”
Holding up my hand when I hear his chair scrape across the floor, obviously about to make his way over in an effort to comfort me, I watch as he sits back down and lays his head in his hands, never once taking his gaze off me and my obvious breakdown.
“Don’t be sorry, I just don’t know what to do. What to say.”
“Well that makes two of us.”
“He’s really been doing this for a few weeks now?”
“I wanna tell you no and that I was wrong with what I saw, but I can’t do that. I can’t lie to you.”
At least there’s one person that can’t lie to me. It’s not the person it’s supposed to be though.
“Dillon is my friend and I don’t take that shit lightly. I don’t get close to anyone, but that guy, he was able to get past all the shit I’m dealing with, make it somehow seem less important. I want to be able to help, but I can’t. He’s completely shut down when it comes to me.”
T
hat makes sense. Dillon is a lot like Ryder. He doesn’t get close to people. He has a few close friends he’s managed to keep over the years, but doesn’t go out of his way to make new ones. He prefers it on his own because it’s safe and what he’s been used to for as long as he can remember.
It means that it’s up to me to get through and with my appointment coming up, this couldn’t happen at a worse time. Dillon is going to do what he said in the beginning and be there for me and the entire time I’m off learning if I’m going to be able to hear for the first time, I’m gonna have to sit there and swallow the urge to confront him.
I hate this.
Of all the things I was paranoid about, Dillon taking drugs was never one of them. He was supposed to be smarter than that.
“Thank you for telling me what’s going on, but you should go. He’s supposed to be coming over tonight and if he sees you here, I don’t know what it’s going to do.”
“I get it. I’m sorry. I know you told me not to be, but dropping this in your lap, I don’t like doing it.”
“I know. I appreciate what you’re doing. I’ll take it from here.”
As Ryder gets up to leave, one thought keeps forcing its way through the haze that is now my clouded brain.
What happens if Dillon is too far gone and this is something I can’t bring him back from?
Chapter Twenty-Two
Dillon
Sometimes I have these moments where I feel like I’m suspended from my body and just watching what’s going on from a distance. I’m not disconnected, but I’m a casual observer in the big moments of my life. At times it feels like I’m in a movie theatre watching frame by frame as the story of the last year of my life is told. All of the major events leading up to the one I’m in now.
In an office, the one belonging to Caddy’s doctor, waiting impatiently for him to get the show on the road so I can see once and for all if the surgery worked. If these implants are gonna work and if she’ll finally be able to do the one thing that’s alluded her all her life.
Hear the people she loves.
This is where the feeling of being separated from my body comes into play most because something this life altering, it just doesn’t happen to someone like me. I’m just the guy that spent the last six years making lives miserable. Getting to stand here and watch as my girlfriend is fitted with a device that will allow her to hear me, it’s like being given a gift I’m in no way worthy of.
I’m especially not worthy considering the things I’ve been doing and keeping from her. We talk about the issues with my knee and my aversion to the surgery that might be able to fix it, but other than that, the things I should be admitting to, I haven’t and I can’t.
Cadence deserves this moment. She deserves to be able to hear again and despite knowing that this could turn out like every other thing she’s tried and do more harm than good in terms of the way she deals with it, I don’t lose hope. I can’t. She might not be able to believe in this, but I’m determined to have enough hope and faith for the both of us.
Her going through this now, it’s another reason I can’t tell her what’s going on with me. We care about each other, and I know that even though she’s facing the hardest moment of her life, she would drop it all to get me through my own crap and I can’t let her do it, no matter what Ryder says.
She may think there’s something more going on and she wouldn’t be wrong, but she has to come first. What I’m doing in order to get through the next few games, is nothing compared to the center of my entire world getting to hear.
“You look more frightened than she does.”
I knew it wouldn’t be long until she caught on to the way I’m acting. How quiet I’ve been since we got here and how I haven’t been able to tear my eyes or my hands away from her daughter since I helped her out of the car over an hour ago.
“Excited maybe, nervous for her because I know how much she wants this to work out, but not scared.”
“I know we’ve talked about this before, but are you going to be able to handle it if it doesn’t go the way you want?”
“Yeah. I told you before, if it doesn’t work out, nothing changes. If anything I’ll just be there for her more, get her through it.”
Sometimes I think it amazes Sarah, the lengths that I’ll go and have already gone to for Cadence because of what she means to me. The way she’s changed my life. Sure, I might still be making idiotic choices and ones I’ll most likely end up paying for, but the way I was a year ago, it isn’t the same as the way I am now.
The important parts are changed.
I don’t hurt anyone intentionally or for amusement anymore. I care more then I admit and I’ll do whatever it takes to make her and the people she cares about happy.
“You’re going to have to tell me how you do it, because even though I won’t tell her, this entire process is making me nervous.”
Sarah Taylor is one of the strongest people I know. It’s half the reason I respect her as much as I do. Taking her job completely out of it, she fights tooth and nail on a daily basis for her daughter, going through every single up and down she has and never wavers. She doesn’t check out the way my mom did.
The way I seem to want to.
“Sarah, we’ve got her fitted and we’re about to go through the testing.” The doctor says, motioning her over with his hand and as soon as Sarah turns and begins to walk, I move too.
I know that we all agreed Sarah’s voice would be the first that she heard, but if there’s any way once they’ve done everything they need to that I can get a word in, somehow let this amazing girl know that I’m here and I love her, I’m gonna take it and I don’t care how selfish it seems.
Flashing me a tiny smile as her mom comes to stand near her, I take the chance and grab the chair from the corner of the room and bring it as close as I’m allowed to the one she’s sitting in.
Reaching out and running my hand along the side of her face she turns and when her eyes fall to my lips, I know this is gonna be my final chance to say something before finding out once and for all if this works and I’m not gonna waste a second.
“I love you.”
Where I expect her to repeat her love back, she doesn’t.
“Promise me something?”
“Anything.”
“Promise me that when they’re done everything they need to do, you’ll tell me that again.”
“Try to get me to stop saying it once they tell me it’s okay.”
She smiles wistfully, but there’s a sadness in her eyes that’s confusing to me. This is a pretty big moment, so I know I can’t expect her to be hopping all over the place happy, but I definitely didn’t expect to see her look so sad.
“Are you alright?”
“Yes, Dillon. I’m alright.”
Forced. Robotic. Giving me the answer she thinks I want to hear and not the one that’s real. Yeah, there’s definitely something more going on here, but with what’s about to happen there’s no real time for me to get into it.
“When we’re done here, and we get the go ahead to leave, I’m taking you back to my place.”
Her eyes lift and shine, her lips curving up on the one side in a mischievous looking grin and I know the way she’s taken what I’ve said. Getting her alone, it usually ends up with us making love, but this time is different.
I want to get her alone so that she’ll tell me what’s really on her mind. Though the idea of getting her naked and being inside her has its own separate kind of appeal.
Knock it off, Murphy. Stop thinking with your dick.
“We’re gonna have something to eat and talk.”
Down goes the grin and away goes the light in her eyes. She gets it now. She knows that whatever it is she’s trying to hide by being playful can’t be hidden.
“Okay.”
Reaching out to her face again just as I hear the doctor tell us that he’s ready to start, I lean in until my forehead is just barely brushing against hers, making
sure she can read my lips loud and clear.
“I can’t wait to lean into your ear in a few minutes and tell you all of the things going on in my head.”
She grins and that’s my motivation to keep going.
“Like how badly I want to kiss those lips, how insanely in love with you I am, but most importantly, the deep seeded craving inside of me to—”
I cut myself off as I feel her body shake under my hand and it makes this moment even more important. I’m not going to tell her all of the things I want to do to her body in a sexual way, because not only would that drive me crazy, but I’m pretty sure it would do the same to her too. No, I’m gonna switch gears and say something she won’t see coming.
The way she does with me almost every single time we talk.
“Brush your hair.”
She laughs and the second the sound of it fills the room and I catch Sarah’s smile from her position on the other side of her daughter, I get that overpowering feeling of rightness again. It might be silly, but in this moment right now, with what’s about to happen, I’ve done the right thing.
I’ve filled the room with the sound her laughter. The most beautiful music in the world.
Cadence
I’ve never been so conflicted about something before and I have no idea how to act, what to say or how to appear so that it doesn’t look like anything is wrong.
I’m so used to just speaking my mind, whether I’m signing it, writing it or actually speaking it and right now, as badly as I want to do that, I can’t bring myself to go through with it.
Ryder’s words have been ringing in my head since yesterday. Somehow I made it through the entire night with Dillon without caving and confronting him about everything I learned, but it was hard. Considering it was the night before I was due to come here, my mom made a point of making sure we weren’t alone together for more than five minute stretches at a time, and in a way I guess that’s another reason I was able to keep it in.
Here & Now Page 24