Hole Hearted (A Songbird Novel)

by Melissa Pearl

  I will protect this baby with my life. He will never know darkness like I have. He will never have to question his worth.

  So…if I’m constantly questioning mine…what will that teach him?

  I need to be strong. I need to make him believe that life can be wonderful. But I’m scared that I don’t know how.

  His sweet, sleepy murmurings are keeping me company as I write this.

  I’m safe right now, in this little apartment. No door will creak in the night. No one is going to make me do something I don’t want to. Felix is safe from harm.

  So…maybe I have to admit that Art is right. Stars do shine in the darkness and the ocean after a storm is calm and peaceful.

  The darkness inside me is so strong though. I don’t know how I’ll beat it. Will he haunt me forever?

  I feel like I’ve made it through the storm, but will I ever find peace?

  Can I teach Felix how lucky we are?

  Can I be strong enough?

  Will I ever be clean enough?

  Tears lined my lashes. I squeezed my eyes shut, and the tears trickled down my cheeks. I shouldn’t have read another passage just before work.

  Swiping the tears away, I sniffed and pulled myself together, shoving the diary back into my bag.

  I understood every one of her fears. I understood why she ran.

  Crystal broke out to give Felix a chance, and that boy helped her believe in beauty again. He unearthed all that was buried by Davis’s brutality.

  He was doing the same for me, cracking me open with his unguarded smiles and sweet sense of humor, his undying passion for music. He kept giving me reasons to smile…to laugh. He’d reawakened my love of music, forced me out of my shell so I could see the world properly again.

  I had to wonder if it hadn’t been for Felix whether I ever would have let Troy in.

  I wouldn’t even know Troy if Felix hadn’t been dropped into my life.

  I had so much to thank Crystal for. And as I sat in the car, preparing for a day of work, I realized that maybe I had forgiven her for leaving me.

  A soft smile tugged at my lips as I gazed at nothing yet saw everything.

  My insides were piled high with boulders, but between Felix, Troy, and Crystal I was learning to push them away, to discover who I could be. There were still a few rocks I wasn’t willing to move—the darkness beneath them was too terrifying—but I felt lighter, and it made me wonder how far I could really go.

  Life with Felix seemed to be getting easier. We’d made it through the storm, and maybe there was a chance to find peace.

  My tears dried up completely as my smile grew. Hope flittered inside me, making me want to giggle. It was a new, giddy feeling that could potentially be addictive. I wasn’t used to such freedom, and although it scared me a little, it inspired me more.

  Chapter Thirty-Four

  Felix

  I shouldn’t have strutted into school, but I was in such a good mood I didn’t really notice. I felt light and free. The guitar in my hand was like a gold medal and I was the champion. I couldn’t wait to see their faces when I told them what I’d been doing.

  I hoped Ginny would finally notice me. I smiled at her every day. Sometimes she smiled back, other days she ignored me, and every now and again she’d snicker.

  Today she’d give me a full beam. I just knew it.

  Walking into homeroom with confidence, I paused at my desk, listening in on the conversation around me. I didn’t usually bring Jimmy’s guitar into class. I hadn’t had the guts to tell anyone who it belonged to… but not anymore.

  I glanced over my shoulder at the groups around me. Summer sat alone at the back. She raised her eyebrows at me, and I gave her a quick smile. She was totally cool with her weirdness and the fact no one wanted to hang out with her. I tried not to chat with her too much in class, but I’d never outright ignore her.

  Her feet were up on her desk, crossed at the ankles. She wore her black combat boots, so different from Ginny, who stood at the front in skinny jeans and pink high-top Converse. I cleared my throat and approached.

  My heart was racing big time, but I wouldn’t let that stop me.

  I’d spent the day before jamming with Chaos. I was the coolest guy in the entire room.

  “Hey, Ginny.” My voice cracked, which made her snicker. I nearly backed out then. I probably should have, but I didn’t want to. I had the perfect opportunity to impress her.

  She glanced at her giggling girlfriends before giving me a tight smile.

  “I, um…” I pointed at the guitar on my desk. “I wanted to show you something.”

  “Oh, yeah?” She crossed her arms, her pale eyebrow arching.

  Man, she was pretty.

  I smiled and walked to my desk, flipping the guitar case open and pulling out the Fender. I ran my hand lovingly over the strings. “I got this as a gift from Jimmy Baker.”

  “Jimmy Baker?” She looked doubtful. “You don’t mean the Jimmy Baker from Chaos, do you?”

  “Uh-huh.” I smiled and nodded like an eager puppy. “His brother’s a…friend of…mine.” I shrugged. Close enough. Troy was my friend. “Anyway, he arranged for me to have one of Jimmy’s old guitars, and then yesterday I got to go to a Chaos practice.”

  Ginny’s eyebrows popped up in unison. The three girls behind her looked skeptical.

  “No way,” one of them muttered.

  “I swear! We played ‘Black Betty’ together!”

  “That’s not one of their songs.” Her other friend had taken the word scorn to a whole new level.

  I scowled at her, then turned my attention to Ginny. “We were just messing around. They asked me what songs I’d been working on and I chose ‘Black Betty’ and we totally rocked out.”

  “I’ve never even heard of that song. Black what?”

  “Black…Betty. Ram Jam? 1977?” I gazed past Ginny’s shoulder and noticed that every eye in the class was suddenly on me. The only friendly pair belonged to Summer. Her eyes were wide with surprise and wonder. She knew exactly what I was talking about and she thought it was awesome.

  I wanted the look on her face to be on Ginny’s face. But it wasn’t.

  “Look, I really doubt Chaos would play some freaky little song from the seventies. Your story’s kind of lame.” She looked down her nose at me, making me feel like some stupid jerk who was lying to impress her.

  “It’s not a story! It’s the truth!”

  “Yeah, right.” Dickhead #1 stepped up to the plate, his top lip curling. “Stop being such a wise ass, Grayson. Like you’ve met Chaos.”

  “I did,” I growled.

  “Whatever. There’s no way this is Jimmy Baker’s guitar.” He snatched it out of my hands.

  “Hey! Give that back!” I lunged after it, but he spun away from me and leaped onto one of the desks, pretending to be a rock star. He banged his head and twanged the strings, being way too rough.

  “Stop it!” I roared, jumping onto the desk beside him and trying to wrestle it out of his hands. He shoved me off him and I stumbled back, cracking my elbow and landing on my ass. It frickin’ hurt but I was too horrified to feel a thing because, just as I stood up, Dickhead raised the guitar and smashed it down on the floor like an out-of-control rocker.

  “No!”

  But he kept going, smashing it down until the base ripped away from the neck and the only thing holding it together were a set of loose strings.

  “You fucking asshole!” Summer screamed. She tore through the room, jumping on Dickhead’s back and trying to stop him while I raced across to get in my own punch or two.

  I didn’t even make it. Mrs. Tindal walked in, and her holler put a quick stop to everything.

  The room froze as she gaped wide-eyed at the scene. “What is going on in here?”

  Summer slid off Dickhead’s back and straightened her shirt while I dropped to my knees and picked up the broken guitar.

  I wanted to cradle the thing and start blubbering like a ba
by. I was close. I could feel myself starting to let go, especially when Mrs. Tindal approached, her footsteps soft and even.

  “Felix,” she said quietly. “Do you want to tell me what happened?”

  I sniffed and shook my head. “Doesn’t matter. It’s broken.”

  “Ryan smashed up Felix’s guitar!” Summer snapped. “Stupid asshole has no respect for how much these things cost.”

  “Oh, don’t you worry about that.” Mrs. Tindal bored Dickhead with a look that made him shrink just a little. “I’m sure Mr. Parker has enough money to buy Felix a new one.”

  “I don’t want a new one.” I stood up, my voice sharp and loud. “This was Jimmy Baker’s guitar. Nothing could ever replace it,” I spat, turning a dark glare on Dickhead.

  “That’s…that’s not true.” He pointed at the broken instrument. “As if Jimmy Baker would give a guitar away to some—”

  “That’s enough!” Mrs. Tindal cut him off. “Now all three of you will accompany me to the principal’s office where we can sort this out.” She flicked her head and started walking for the door. I glanced over my shoulder at Summer. She gave me a sad smile and trailed behind me.

  Ginny was at her desk, studying her nails and refusing to look up when I passed her.

  Chapter Thirty-Five

  Troy

  I couldn’t stop humming to myself. Jovi pranced around my feet, his fat body swaying as I poured him some water and placed the bowl on the floor. He lapped it up—noisy and sloppy. I laughed and patted his rump before heading for the bathroom. I was sweating profusely after my jog. The weather was heating up, and a decent shower before heading to Hamilton Elementary was a necessity. I was due to do school visits for the rest of the day.

  Stripping off my wet shirt, I dumped it in the hamper and was about to flick on the shower when my phone started ringing. I immediately thought of Cassie. She’d been on my mind constantly, and I picked up the phone with a grin that only faltered when I spotted the caller.

  Jane Tindal—Felix’s homeroom teacher.

  “Hey, Jane. How’s it going?”

  “Hi.” Her voice was quiet, slightly sad, and it put me on high alert. “Is Felix okay?”

  “Not really.” She sighed. “He’s in with the principal right now.”

  I winced. “What happened?”

  She huffed and whisper-barked, “One of the idiot boys in my class broke his guitar. He was messing around and being a turd, and Felix is absolutely gutted. He said the guitar belongs to Jimmy. Is that true?”

  My insides fired with hot anger, and it was an effort to grit out the words calmly. “Yeah, it’s true. When I told Jimmy about him, he wanted to help out. Felix even got to go to a band practice yesterday. He was so happy.”

  “Aw,” Jane sighed. “You’re killing me. Why are kids so mean? That arrogant little shit has money to burn, and sweet Felix with his quiet smile and…” She let out a disgusted huff. “I can’t believe I have to remain so impartial. Some kids are so hard to like and others are incredibly easy to love. It’s impossible not to have favorites, but I teach them both!”

  “Jane.” I smiled. “I can hear your frustration.”

  “I’m just so mad on Felix’s behalf. You should have seen his face, Troy. He looked ready to burst into tears. He’s been through so much already and things have been picking up for him. He seemed happy, more settled…and now this happens.”

  “Don’t worry. We’re gonna give him every reason in the world to bounce back.”

  Jane softly laughed. “You’re a good man. I’m glad you’re in his life right now. He needs a father figure.”

  Her words hit me right in the chest. Father figure. Is that how she sees me?

  Damn, that’s exactly how I felt. The anger coursing through me, the hurt at what Felix was no doubt feeling as he sat in the principal’s office. I wanted to march in there and make it all better. I wanted to be the father he never had. I wanted to take on the role again.

  The thought surprised me a little. After raising Jimmy, I figured I’d never want to do it again, but what did you know…

  “He doesn’t know I’m calling you. He’s so ashamed about the guitar getting damaged that he’s too afraid to tell you, but I thought you should know.”

  “He’s such a sweet kid,” I murmured, the ache inside me only intensifying.

  “I know, right?”

  “He’s not going to get in trouble for any of this, is he?”

  “Definitely not. I may not have been standing in the room, but I heard the smashing, and I knew the second I walked in what had gone down. The only consequence Felix has to suffer from this is the broken guitar, and I’ll be pushing to get a reimbursement for him.”

  “Thanks, Jane. This is why I wanted him in your class. He needs someone who’s got his back.”

  “I’m doing my best to watch out for him.”

  “You’re doing great. Thanks for everything.”

  She said a soft goodbye and as soon as I hung up, I dialed my kid brother. It felt weird to be calling him for help. It was usually the other way around. We went through a patch where the only time I ever talked to him was when he needed something.

  I snickered and lifted the phone to my ear.

  “Hey, broski,” Jimmy answered after two rings.

  “Little brother, I need your help.”

  Jimmy snickered. “Wow. Things have really changed between us. Not sure how much I’m liking the role reversal.”

  I shook my head and tried to sound upbeat, but when I started telling him what that shit had done to Felix my voice turned gruff and snappy.

  “That little fucker!” Jimmy shouted, then paused and started talking to someone in the room. I assumed it was Ness. “…smashed my guitar!”

  I heard a gasp, then Nessa was in my ear. “Is Felix okay? Who the hell is that little shit in his class? I’m happy to go down there and shove a drumstick up his ass! Just tell me where he is!”

  I didn’t have time to deny Nessa what she wanted. As much as I loved the idea, I couldn’t condone it.

  Jimmy took the phone off his girl and started speaking to me again. “As you can see, we’re pretty pissed. What do you want us to do?”

  “Well, for one, Felix’s teacher told me he’s really embarrassed about the whole thing. He thinks you’re going to be mad about the guitar.”

  Jimmy scoffed. “It’s just a guitar, dude.”

  “Yeah, but to him…it was Jimmy Baker’s guitar. The first instrument he’d ever had the chance to really play.”

  “I didn’t think about it like that,” Jimmy murmured. “I’ve still got the guitar you gave me. No one’s allowed to touch that thing except me.”

  I couldn’t help a fleeting smile. My voice softened. “He’s pretty heartbroken, but knowing Felix he’ll try to be stoic about it. He probably won’t even tell his aunt.”

  “Oh, you mean that chick, Cassie? She looks way too straight-laced to be hanging out with a kid that cool.”

  “Hey,” I snapped. “She’s awesome.”

  My firm reprimand was met with a long beat of silence, and then Jimmy took the conversation so far off course I wasn’t sure how I’d bring it back around. “Wait a second. Do you like her?”

  “It’s…” I sighed. “Jimmy, can we stay on point, please.”

  “No way! You’re in love with a pastel-wearing…librarian!”

  I groaned and looked to the ceiling. If only he knew that she actually was a librarian. He’d never let me hear the end of it.

  “You haven’t dated a girl in months. And when I say months, I mean months, and now you’re falling for a chick who doesn’t even look like she fits into your world.”

  I scowled, wishing Jimmy could see my face. “What are you talking about? For one, how the hell do you know who I date and secondly, what world? How does she not fit into mine?”

  “She looked so uptight I was surprised she could walk properly. I bet her house fucking sparkles. She probably—”
r />   “Stop!” I cut him off. “You don’t know anything about her, so drop the judgments. She’s one of the nicest, bravest people I know.” My voice grew husky with emotion. “You don’t know what she’s been through, and the fact she can even take Felix on is huge.”

  Jimmy went quiet, and for a second I thought the line had gone dead.

  “Jimmy?”

  “Wow. She’s really gotten under your skin.”

  “Happy to have her there.”

  “Are you sure? If she’s been through shit, she’s gonna have baggage.”

  “I can deal with baggage. You’ve dealt with baggage and look how great you and Ness are.”

  “Dude, we’ve known each other since we were fourteen. I don’t know if we would have made it through without that history. She’s been my best friend for years. How long have you known this Cassie chick?”

  “About three months,” I mumbled.

  Again, Jimmy took too long to reply, and when he did, his voice was uncharacteristically cautious. “Just be careful, man. You’re the best person I know and you deserve someone who can love you. She just didn’t seem that…open to me.”

  His soft warning cut me off at the knees. I didn’t want to have that conversation. I didn’t want someone coming in from the outside and giving me a new perspective. I cared about Cassie. In fact, I was pretty sure I loved her. I wanted to be her knight in shining armor. I wanted to heal her, see her shine, and make her believe in the safety of love.

  But what if Jimmy was right?

  It didn’t matter how much I loved her if she wasn’t able to love me back.

  “Anyway.” Jimmy cleared his throat, his voice upbeat after shitting all over me. “I’ll talk to the guys and we’ll come up with something to make it up to Felix. I’ll be in touch, okay?”

  “Yeah,” I sighed. “Sure. Thanks.”

  “Hey, you know I love you, bro. I wouldn’t make you feel like shit if I didn’t care about you.”

  I raised my eyebrows. “Thanks. I think.”

  “I’ll call you later, okay?”

  I nodded and then hung up without saying more. Dropping my phone onto the bathroom counter, I watched it slide into the empty sink. Jovi padded into the room, his claws tapping on the shiny tiles.