Punchbag and the Mystery of the Litter Louts
Page 1
Punchbag and the Mystery of the Litter Louts
Colon Vimrinse
Copyright Colon Vimrinse 2015
Copyright and Disclaimer
Copyright Colon Vimrinse All rights reserved © 2015
This book or any portion thereof may not be reproduced or used in any manner whatsoever without the express written permission of the author
This book is a work of fiction. Names, characters, businesses, places, events and incidents are either the products of the author’s imagination or used in a fictitious manner. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or actual events is purely coincidental.
About The Author
In the first instance Mr. Vimrinse would like to state that every effort has been made to avoid any product-placement within this story; however in the unlikely event anything has slipped through he is happy to endorse it providing it’s free and fully loaded.
Mr. Vimrinse is also available for Charity Appeals… such as celebrity football matches or trips of a lifetime (providing skivvies hump the bags and do all the cooking) quiz shows (any format, but no Vernon Kay please), jungling, once all the snakes and creepy crawlies have been gassed, and all red-carpet premieres. He would be an intriguing guest for In the Psychiatrist’s Chair… however on no account should he be regressed to Fenwicks’ toy department, 1972, when that bloke dressed up as Rupert the Bear suddenly came around the corner with the massive plastic head.
Celebrity Big Brother is obviously a no-brainer, although Mr. Vimrinse’s caveats would include a gun and a ladder. Help Me I’m Just Greedy, Celebrity Fat Fcukers and Me Gastric Band’s Snapped might almost have been written for him, while his chameleon like acting talents could easily see him nailing the part of Richard Madely’s Mam… whenever Judy is ‘resting’
Speaking good is obviously one of Mr. Vimrinse’s key strengths; making him first choice for impassioned speeches at Labour Party Conferences, Make Poverty History or Knock! Knock! It’s Ebola; while his natural affinity with all animals (apart from horses, pigs, dogs, cats, cows, tarantulas, bats, owls, dust mites, sheeps, blokes dressed up as Rupert and whatever Barbapapa is supposed to be) makes him ideal for Foxes Are Mucky or Bear Grylls Grills Bears.
Medical hilarities of ruined lives and guffawing traumas of the human condition; such as I’ll Hoard Owt and I Keep Shouting C*nt! are obviously within his skill set, while his unique ability to connect with the masses makes him the go-to-guy for public information films… a la Let’s Take Drugs and Film It (I’m Sorry I Punched All Your Teeth Out.)
Thinking outside the box he would be a fantastic rear gunner for the much missed Challenge Aneka, though of course Mr. Vimrinse is happy to consider any offers you feel he may be suitable for… including Eating Soil for Money or Just Shoot Me I’m a Twat.
Fees can be negotiated in the House of Commons Bar… however Colon does feel it necessary to point out that anything requiring sleeping-over on a council estate will not be considered… so it’s pointless even asking.
Mr. Vimrinse sincerely hopes you agnate his first Bedtime Story Book for Adults of all ages … although does suggest that self-medicating from about half way through couldn’t hurt.
Please enjoy…
Dedication
Hey now, the past is told by those who win
My darling, what matters is what hasn’t been
Hey now, we’re wide awake and we’re thinking
My darling, believe your voice can mean something
Say hello to good times... trade up for the fast rides
We close our eyes while the nickel and dime take the streets completely
We close our eyes while the nickel and dime take the streets... completely
Jimmy Eat World… Futures
Keep it always with you that laughter who knock at your door and say, ‘May I come in?’ is not true laughter. No! He is a King, and he come when and how he like. He ask no person, he choose no time of suitability. It is a strange world, a sad world, a world full of miseries, and woes, and troubles. And yet when King Laugh come… he make them all dance to the tune he play.
Van Helsing… Bram Stoker… Dracula