Statistic

by Dawn Robertson

  With one arm he pulls back the sheets and lays me down. My body melts into the soft memory foam mattress. All my stresses of the day wash away as the comfort envelops my body. The only thing that would make this even better would be for Jackson to stay with me all night, but he is far too much of a gentleman to breach that. His strong hands tuck me in under the plush sheets and he places a single kiss on my forehead before turning to walk away.

  My hand reaches out to grab him, pleading with him not to leave me. I don’t need the words because the tender, yet desperate action speaks for itself. I just don’t want to be alone after everything that has happened today. We could lay in bed in silence or share the stories of our lives. I would be completely content with either.

  “Don’t go.” I say, and I can see the look of uncertainty on his shadowed face. The light only illuminates a few of his facial features, but I don’t need bright lights to see the inner debate. He is just as uncertain as I am about this all. “Just, lay with me. That’s all. I don’t want to be alone tonight.”

  His lips meet my hand, and he nods. “Okay.” is all he says. Dropping my hand he rounds the large frame of the bed, and begins to pull down the covers on his side of the bed. He pulls off his t-shirt first, then unbuttons his shorts letting them fall to the floor. I try not to stare at him as he stands across the room in nothing more than his boxer shorts. He looks good. Like, really damn good, but I need to get my mind out of the gutter. Nothing is going to come of this. Not tonight at least.

  I think back to a couple days ago. The night I was so careless with Wesley and I instantly feel bad. I am not that kind of girl, but somehow this whole dating website thing slowly has begun to strip the few morals I have left. I don’t want to be that woman. Wesley made me feel alive in a way I never have had the opportunity to. But, at what cost? The guilt that has eaten away at me in the days following isn’t worth the few minutes of pleasure.

  “Deep in thought over there. I hope it’s something good.” Jackson jokes. I don’t want to tell him about everything that has gone on, but for the first time in so long I feel this strong connection with another person and I feel like I have to purge everything. Including my long laundry list of suitors that have taken up the past few weeks of my life.

  “Just have a lot in my head. Care to have a heart to heart?” I guess it is just the booze in me. Once upon a time Callie told me I was the most honest drunk ever. I think this was after I told her my opinion on the ugly wedding dress she picked. Thankfully, that whole drunk night has become more of a joke than something that could create a riff in our friendship.

  Jackson climbs under the covers in nothing more than his boxers and props his head up with his hand, turning his full attention to me. “I’d love to. We could get to know each other a little better. I mean, we are in bed together already.” He lets out a laugh while winking at me and my nerves slowly begin to evaporate.

  “I haven’t dated much since my divorce, but I told you that.” I turn on my side so I can face him in the bed. His eyes never come off of me while I continue with my confessions. “But, since I joined Fish in the Sea, I’ve dated. A lot. And against my better judgement, I’ve slept with one person. Which brings me to a grand total of two people I have slept with in my entire life. I’ve felt bad about it, because the more I’ve thought about my actions, the guiltier I’ve felt. It was wrong and I shouldn’t have done it. But, at the time it seemed like a good idea. Which again, is why I am a bad drunk because there was wine involved.” I am rambling, but I don’t care because these are all things I need to say. At least to Jackson.

  “My ex-husband cheated on me with my babysitter. Repeatedly. I felt like I was to blame because I wasn’t putting out when I was pregnant. He also told me it was my fault, but the more I thought about it over time, the more I knew it wasn’t anything I did wrong. I was laid up on bed rest trying to keep my son healthy and safe and all he was worried about was getting his dick wet. So, I guess I have a fucked up line of judgment when it comes to anything that has to do with sex. If any of that makes sense.”

  “I get that, Aurora. But you don’t owe me any of these explanations. We just started dating. Heck, I’ve never had a woman in my bed this quick. But, everything with you is different. It just all feels right and I have this sense of protection when it comes to you. I need to keep you safe and if something happened to you, I don’t know what I would do with myself.” He lets out a sigh, and runs his fingers through his messy hair.

  “I know this is all new and we don’t know jack shit about each other, but I want to know everything about you, Aurora. I want to know your son and be a man worthy of your admiration. I’m not around for a quick fuck like that other guy. You could roll over and go to sleep right now and I would be content only having you in this bed next to me. And I am okay with that.” The corner of his lip pulls up into a smile and I can’t help but smile back. He is the kind of man I truly need in my life. Wesley may be sexy as sin, but there is one thing he doesn’t have and that is respect for me. If he did… the bathroom incident would have never happened.

  It is part of the dating process. It is like learning how to ride a bicycle. You fall off and you get back up and start all over again. It didn’t take me long to figure out where I want to be. But next to Jackson, in his bed is quickly becoming one of my favorite places.

  “Tell me about you, Jackson.” I ask, and quietly wait for him to share his life story, just as I purged earlier.

  “I don’t know where to even start.” He inches closer to me and takes my hand. “Well, you already know I am single, never married and I am thirty so I guess none of those things answer your question. Ha.” I love it when he smiles. Because you can see the happiness on every inch of his face. From his perfect teeth to the little creases at the corners of his bright blue eyes. The same eyes that I would shed every inch of clothing for.

  “I was born and raised in Jackson, Mississippi. I was in the Marines for five years, and when I got out, I decided to settle here. A couple of my buddies landed jobs with the local police department. We all roomed together for a while and then got our own places. I think I’m the last one left who isn’t married or has kids. I just haven’t found the one yet.” As he says the one he squeezes my hand in a gentle showing of affection. My heart skips a beat at the thought of being that one. It is soon but I’ve never felt so comfortable with someone. Or, maybe it is just the booze putting me at ease.

  “I started my own business and it took off somehow, which is why I can afford this beautiful house. I like all things outdoors, but I love being on the water the most. It was really nice having you on the boat with me today, even if the day ended up getting all fucked up.” He pauses and traces circles on my hand in between his thoughts. “I’m one of four boys. My poor mother is a saint for dealing with all of us. I swear one day one of us is going to give her a heart attack. Probably my youngest brother who isn’t really on the straight and narrow. My father was killed in the line of duty in 1998. He pulled over a car that was speeding on the interstate, apparently the guy driving was on the run and he shot and killed my dad. I don’t think my mother was really ever the same after that.”

  He lets out a deep breath, and links his fingers between mine, tighter.

  “I’m sorry for your loss, Jackson. I can’t imagine how hard that must have been.” I instantly think of Liam, and how he would feel if something happened to Colin. He would be absolutely devastated, even if he is only four.

  “It was hard. My oldest brother Jeff, was in boot camp, Jason was a junior in high school, and I was just starting my freshman year. Jeremy was only in seventh grade and middle school is hard enough on a kid, but adding the tragic events, my poor mother had her hands full. Jeremy still doesn’t have his shit together, but he is trying and I guess that is more than any of us can really ask for.” He shrugs his shoulders and stares at me.

  “I was engaged once. When I was in the Marines. I thought she was the most beautiful girl in t
he world. She was one of those girls that hung around the military bases hoping to find a husband, but I was just too blind to see it. I got called up to deploy and asked her to marry me before I left. She said yes and in a day’s time she was insisting we run off to the courthouse and marry before I left. I wasn’t in a rush and I knew Momma would have been heartbroken if I got married without her and my brothers being there.” I could see the heartbreak in his eyes as he continued to pour out the story of his broken engagement.

  “I should have known better. The guys tried to warn me that she was one of those girls. She emailed me a Dear John letter when I was in Iraq and when I got back stateside, the ring I had given her was inside my apartment and she was married to someone else. Ain’t love grand?” He laughs. “But that was a long time ago. God, ten years ago already. Even though it seems like yesterday. I never really let anyone in that close after.”

  “I can’t imagine how shitty that must have been.” I shake my head thinking about the actions of people like that. Only thinking of themselves all the time. A lot like Colin. Come to think of it, she sounds like she would have been an awesome match for my ex-husband.

  “I married my high school sweetheart,” I admit before I realize I am telling the story. “We met my freshman year and he was my one and only. I never realized how much of a player he was because I was too blinded into thinking he was damn near perfect. Right after high school we got married and not long after, Liam came. I never had an opportunity to find myself, or even go out drinking like most young twenty something girls, because I was home being a mom. He continued to do whatever he pleased and I got stuck being at home. I didn’t mind though because Liam was my world. Still is.” I smile thinking about my little boy.

  “I’d love to meet him sometime.” Jackson says, and I smile even bigger thinking about the two of them together. I know Jackson would be just great with him. “I have a whole bunch of nieces and nephews My older two brothers have four kids a piece already.”

  “In time. I don’t really introduce people to Liam very quickly, just because I don’t want him to get attached to a man who might let him down. Nothing against you.” I can’t imagine giving the boy any more disappointment in life if I could at least help it.

  “That is what makes you a good mom, Aurora.” his hand lets go of mine and brushes a loose strand of hair away from my face.

  “I try,” I admit while his hand cups my chin and his eyes just focus on me. I drag mine up his body, locking with his gorgeous blue eyes. I could stare into them all day long.

  “Can I kiss you?” he asks, inching slightly closer, but still keeping a safe distance away from our bodies coming in contact.

  “Yes,” is all I can whisper before his lips meet mine. But this time, there is more to our kiss. It isn’t just lust and attraction which every touch up until this has been. This has something more, something that wasn’t there when we went on our first date, or as we lounged in the cold water of the Atlantic. As his lips slowly part from mine, he whispers in my ear.

  “Goodnight, Aurora.” before he rolls over, and turns out the light.

  The following morning Jackson and I moved flawlessly around the kitchen together making a small breakfast buffet. The conversation flowed like we have known each other most of our lives, and I found myself almost sad when it was time to get in his car and drive across town, back to the apartment I knew I could no longer stay in.

  “You don’t feel safe there, huh?” Jackson said as we walked out of the front door of his home. My body language really must have given away the impending dread.

  “Yeah, I don’t know. I just… I don’t feel safe, especially with Liam. What if something happens when he is home with me? Or there with my babysitter? My sense of security with that condo is just gone.” I wouldn’t tell Jackson or anyone else this but one of the first things I plan on doing today is calling Callie up, having her come over and help me begin to pack. I may not have anyplace else to go, but I am going to start looking for a new home sooner rather than later.

  As we get in the car and slowly drive out of the kid filled neighborhood, we turn onto a small side street that leads in the direction of the subdivision exit to the main road running through Sharonville and I see it: A small colonial style home with a big FOR RENT sign posted in the front yard. I laugh and mumble “you have got to be kidding me” under my breathe.

  “Did you say something?” Jackson asks, turning his attention momentarily from the road, to me.

  “Can you slow up for a second. I want to copy that phone number down.” I point in the direction of the house, and he pulls up in front of the house.

  “Didn’t realize the old McKenzie house was for rent. I guess they didn’t have any luck selling it.” he says as I rummage through my purse for something to scribble on.

  “Do you know the owners?” I ask, hoping he does. A house like this won’t be for rent for long. I only hope that the rent isn’t insanely high, which is a pretty good possibility. But as I look around the neighborhood and spy all the children safely playing outside without a care in the world, I know this would be far better for Liam than the stuffy condo complex filled with seasonal snow bird seniors and no kids at all.

  “I do. They are landscaping clients of mine.” he winks at me. “I could give them a call if you want.” I am unsure if it is a good idea or not. I mean, what happens if things don’t work out and he actually helps me get this house. Would this cause bad blood between us or even with my future landlords? Ugh!

  The more I think about it, the more I look around and see the smiling faces of all the kids. Jackson or not, this house is exactly what Liam needs. It isn’t about me, it is about my son being the happiest little boy he can. What he deserves. Because if Colin and I were still together, this is the kind of house he would still be able to live in all the time instead of bouncing from condo to condo for visitations.

  “Yes, that would be great. Just give them my name and number.”

  I type out a text to Callie and hope she has the time to come and see me today.

  Be at my house at 2? Okay?

  Then I type out a message to Colin. We need to talk about everything that happened this weekend. I know he may try and use this against me, but I am trying to take the damn high road when it comes to co-parenting with him. Even if I hate every second of it.

  Bring Liam home early tonight. I have to talk to you about something that happened this weekend. I’ll make something for us all to eat. K?

  I check through all my work emails and know that I am going to have a night full of work once Liam is in bed. But, whatever. The more I hustle, the more comfortable we will be able to live. My phone buzzes and I look down to see Colin’s name.

  As long as you make your fried chicken.

  I laugh and remember back to a time when we weren’t always at each other’s throat. When I enjoyed cooking him his favorite meals, fried chicken included.

  As long as you aren’t a dick. ;)

  Looks like I will have to hit up the grocery store to keep the peace.

  Instead of replying like a normal person, Callie shows up a few minutes after two. Boxes are strewn all over the condo, and I am sitting in the middle of the living room floor on my laptop clicking through my Spotify playlist for something to groove to.

  “What the hell is going on?” Callie asks while she walks into my tornado of a house.

  “Moving.” I say with a clipped tone.

  “Why?” she asks with a confused look on her face.

  “Notice the new front door?” I ask.

  “Yeah. What’s with that?” her confusion growing.

  “Yeah. Someone kicked my door in and trashed my condo last night. I am done here. I don’t feel safe, so I am going to start looking for a new home this week. I can’t even imagine what would have happened if I was home, let alone if Liam was here. I just can’t put us in that position anymore.”

  “So, let me get this straight. Someone kicked your door in
yesterday and trashed the house. What did they steal? Wait. You weren’t home? Where were you?” The barrage of questions begins. I stop what I am doing and turn to Callie to lay it all out on the line for her.

  “So, remember Jackson from the other night? I went out on his boat with him yesterday. I got a call from Paul after the alarm company couldn’t get ahold of me. Someone kicked in the door, smashed the flowers Wesley had sent me and ransacked my room. Oh, and left a creepy note. So yeah, I am getting the F out of this condo.” She looks at me like a deer in headlights. Her eyes dart around the condo, looking for evidence of the break in even though there is none left.

  “Well, I guess I don’t blame you for that. With it just being you and Liam here, I would be worried too. What did the note say?”

  “Something about acting like a whore. I almost wonder if it is Colin trying to get back at me. But, I don’t think he would stoop this low. Plus, he has Liam this weekend so when would he have had time to come over here and bust up the joint? How would he have even known I wasn’t going to be home? The whole thing just reeks of fucked up.” I sigh and take a sip of the tall glass of water I set out on the counter when I started my packing project. It is warm and all the ice cubes are melted, but still somewhat refreshing after I’ve been working so long.

  “I don’t know, A. But, I don’t blame you about moving. This whole online dating thing is starting to sound like a bad idea.” Callie admits while pulling a pitcher of sweet tea from the fridge, and pouring it. “I know we all encouraged you at first, but this kind of changed my opinion on it. Do you think it was one of the guys you met?”

  I know I shouldn’t be defensive of the men I have actually dated. While some of them were total losers, they weren’t bad men. I know I may not have the world’s best judgment when it comes to men, but seriously, I think I could pick a psychopath out of a crowd. But, I guess there is always that chance of a wolf in sheep’s clothing.