The Cinderella Theorem

by Kristee Ravan

  My mouth had that gross middle-of-the-night feel to it, so I went to the bathroom to brush my teeth. (Getting rid of gross feeling = joy; getting rid of gross feeling + getting to brush my teeth = immense joy.) As I started on my bottom teeth, I glanced into the mirror. My reflection had vanished, and Levi was staring back at me through the mirror. I spewed all my toothpaste at the mirror.

  “Not very far along in our etiquette classes are we, Princess?” He was sitting in Marie’s chair, twirling a pencil through his fingers. One leg was draped over the arm of the chair. His leather pants glistened with grease.

  I continued staring at him, mouth open, chin covered in toothpaste dribble.

  “Didn’t you hear me? You ought to clean up.” He snapped his fingers. Automatically, I began to wash my mouth and chin. My hand moved on its own, controlled by Levi’s magic. I rinsed my toothbrush and dried myself with the hand towel, then wiped the mirror clean.

  “Much better,” he said. “Now, we can have a nice little chat, just you and I.” He cocked his head and looked at me. “But I daresay you’d be more comfortable sitting.” Another snap and a stool appeared behind me. The padded seat was covered in black leather; the legs were made of dark, dark wood, and the whole thing looked greasy. I grabbed a towel and threw it over the seat.

  “How resourceful. I assume you, like the other disgustingly happy Smythians, dislike grease?”

  I gave him a shaky smile. “That’s a fair assessment of the situation.”

  Levi flashed a greasy grin. “So, Princess,” he began in his slippery voice, “I wondered if you might have some questions for me–some questions related to say The Candlemaker’s Daughter, perhaps?”

  “How did you—” I began, but stopped myself.

  “How did I know you had the file?” He asked, smirking. “My dear Lily, I have been working Celdan’s case for a very long time; I know the file well, and I make it my business to know who has it.”

  I ignored his arrogance. “What exactly do you do when you ‘work’ a case?”

  He shrugged. “Different things for different people. Lots of observations and reconnaissance in the beginning.” He began examining his fingernails. “Mostly, I just cause trouble until I find a way to make the person genuinely unhappy.”

  “Did you find a way to make Celdan unhappy?”

  He smiled. “I didn’t find it. It found me. Besides, any junior ranked Dark Mesa could have found out what would push her over into Sadly Ever After. She was a mess.” He shook his head. “I did her a favor by getting it over with.”

  I shuddered, disgusted at the callous way he talked about ruining a person's life. “Dark Mesa?”

  “Like a Happiologist, but working for my Lord Tallis at SEA.”[43]

  “So, a Dark Mesa is an unhappiologist? And SEA is like HEA, but you make people sad?”

  “Something like that. But SEA is different from your nasty little HEA; we only exist to make your citizens sad; we don’t care at all about our own.”

  Logical. Uppish Senna was just as organized at unhappiness as Smythe’s SFL was at happiness. “Does Tandem Tallis get out like the Dark Mesas and make people unhappy?”

  Levi made a scoffing noise. “He’s the counterpart of your dear father. He was, of course, once a Dark Mesa himself, but now he coordinates the efforts of the rest of us. He doesn’t have the time to be flitting around coaxing people into unhappiness.”

  Grease ball. “So, you’re the Dark Mesa assigned to me?”

  “Well,” Levi ran a greasy hand over his greasy hair. “I am the top Dark Mesa and, probably, the only one qualified to vanish you, excepting my Lord Tallis, of course.”

  “Well, qualified or not, you’re wasting your time. I can’t vanish yet, since I haven’t reached Happily Ever After.” Levi flinched a little at the words “Happily Ever After.” “Besides, you’ve only annoyed me. Feathers and flowers aren’t exactly depressing.” That was true. I wasn’t saddened by the Levi letters; just annoyed and disturbed.

  Levi smiled. “Delightful as your criticisms are, especially since you know nothing of how saddening works, I suggest we move on; I doubt you brought me here to talk about dead birds and dead flowers. We still have the matter of Celdan to finish discussing.”

  “I didn’t bring you here,” I protested.

  The scoffing noise again. “Lily, Lily, Lily. Your ignorant innocence is refreshing.” He flashed a smile full of pity. “I’ll let you ask three questions, but after that, I simply must go. I’ve got dry cleaning to pick up. You can’t clean pants like these at home.” He pointed to the greasy leather on his legs.

  I organized my thoughts quickly; I certainly didn’t want to keep Levi from his precious dry cleaning. “Alright,” I nodded. “Question one: How did you get the File? Question two: What happened to Celdan and Colin’s other children? Question three: Why didn’t the file vanish?”

  Levi smirked and raised his eyebrows. “Excellent questions. Answer one: I stole the file from The Archive. Answer two: Colin and Celdan had three more sons. They all died in infancy. Answer three: Files only vanish when every character has either vanished or died; therefore,” he paused, looking meaningfully at me, “someone from the story is still in your nauseatingly happy land.” He stood up to leave.

  “But, wait,” I argued, “that doesn’t explain it. Everyone is dead or vanished already!”

  Levi held up a finger. “I did say only three questions. Until next time, dear Princess. You can keep the stool,” he bowed and disappeared.

  “Wait!” I yelled pointlessly, but only my reflection stared back at me. I sighed, “That sycophant.”

  I sat on the edge of the tub and thought of about seven possibilities to explain why the file hadn’t vanished, and none of them were remotely mathematical.

  I dragged the stool to my bedroom and tried to sleep.

  ~~~

  The morning found me staring, once again, at my face in the mirror as I brushed my teeth. I left a note for Mom (who was doing an early news show interview about her latest book), telling her that I would be home late from work. I wanted to stop by Ella’s; it was time to implement phase one of the Cinderella Theorem. That girl needs to get out of the house and get a job.

  School flew by in a whirl of exclamations, notebook paper, half-truths to Corrie, and beautifully balanced equations. And I had a whole page of Algebra for homework. I almost hated to leave it, but Calo would probably be thrilled to write me up for being tardy. He was working on a Happiness plan for Okera (Sleeping Beauty) when I arrived, and was not in the mood to hear any of my suggestions.

  “The soothing sounds CD from the Sandman worked last time, Lily. It’s not as if...”

  “But that doesn’t tell you why she can’t sleep. If you knew that, then you could be treating the actual problem instead of just...”

  Calo kept thumbing through his files, ignoring me. “I could try a sleeping pill, maybe.”

  “A sleeping pill? Calo, that’s crazy!” I tried to move into his line of vision. “She’s probably stressed or worried about something or maybe her insomnia is caused by some other magical variable, but you can’t just—”

  He held his hand up to stop me. “Kara told me Okera’s visits from Baldric have been increasing, so that’s probably the reason for her insomnia. But it is vital that we—”

  “Who’s Baldric?”

  “Her Dark Mesa. But that’s not the point. If we don’t get her sleeping again, she’s only Beauty, and we’ve already got one of those.”

  I stared dumbly at him.

  “From Beauty and the Beast,” he added.

  “Oh yeah. Right.” I responded, faking understanding.

  Calo sighed and closed his eyes. “Perhaps, Lily, while I’m taking my nap, you could review some more of the stories. You seem to have forgotten a few.”

  “While you’re taking a nap?” I asked indignantly. “What about all this running around trying to get Okera to fall asleep?”

  Calo closed his
eyes again and breathed deeply. “Since I want to help her with her sleeping, it’s got to be a night visit, doesn’t it?”

  “Oh yeah. Right.” Calo: 2. Lily: 0.

  Calo shook his head. “I’ll be in the nap room.”

  ~~~

  I was working my way through Beauty and the Beast when Lane came in.

  “Package for you, Princess.” He left the box on my desk.

  For a moment, I was torn. Was I more interested in the package or in the ending of the story? I shook my head. What was I thinking? Was I actually interested in this story? Reluctantly, I began to examine the data.

  (1) The story, apart from the magic, had made sense.

  (2) I really admired the daughter (Beauty) for taking her dad’s punishment and sacrificing herself so he could be free. It was almost mathematical; the illegal rose picking happened (x), so then someone staying (y) must happen. Beauty just put herself in for y. (If x occurs, then y must also occur.)

  (3) I also liked that the Beast and Beauty actually spent time together and fell in love. It wasn’t love because of a kiss or magic shoes or frogs turning into princes. They actually got to know each other and then fell in love.

  The data indicated that I was clearly interested in the story, but I decided I would open the package first. It’s one thing to be interested in a fairy tale and quite another to let it control what I’m doing. I opened the box and read the included note.

  Princess Lily,

  My map table told me you don’t have your own map of our exciting country. How unfortunate! I’ve enclosed a miniature map table for your own use. It is a copy of my own.

  Best Wishes,

  Aven

  Prince Charming and Chief Cartographer

  A small table, about the size of a jewelry box was under some tissue paper. I quickly found the switch. The table lit up and a female voice said:

  “How can you get there if you haven’t tried?

  How can you get there without a map-guide?

  What map would you like to see?

  Salt Land? Greenland? Italy”

  “Good afternoon, Map Table.” I said, trying to remember what Ella and I had done in her map room.

  “Good afternoon, Princess. What map would you like to see?”

  I’d really only turned the thing on to see if it worked. “Um...” I stalled, buying time to think. “Oh!” I realized, suddenly. “Show me the best way to get from HEA to Ella’s.” The only way I knew was a trek to Arthur’s, followed by a massive storm and a fork.

  “Now giving directions to Cinderella’s castle,” the table announced.

  The map changed and zoomed in on itself, showing a closer view of the first four rings, south of HEA. “Now showing the fastest route to the residence of Ella and Aven. Please observe the arrows, Princess.” I blinked and looked at the map; arrows were appearing along the route as the table spoke the directions. “Travel west to Pele Fork. Take the orange door to Ella’s; follow the usual path to her castle.” The arrows reached Ella’s castle. “Estimated travel time: 10 minutes.” The arrows disappeared. “Now showing the scenic route to the residence of Ella and Aven. Once again, please observe the arrows.”

  I grinned. The table was very efficient.

  “Take South Road to the town of Bremen. Follow the Fourth Wood west to Ella’s. Estimated travel time: 40 minutes.”

  Evidently traveling by forks made quite a difference.

  “Is there anything else, Princess?”

  “No, thank you, Map Table.”

  “Very well, Princess. May all your travels be well-guided.”

  The table went dim, and I turned the switch to off. I carefully put the table in my bottom desk drawer, deciding I liked using map tables. They were very useful, and based on their calculation of traveling time, quite mathematical.

  I finished reading Beauty and the Beast, then went on to The Wild Swans, making plenty of notes. Finally it was time to go to Cinderella’s. I packed my things back into my work book bag.[44] A sheet of paper fell on the floor. It was my list of questions about Cinderella. My eyes fell on the name “Miranda,” that mysterious Happiologist of Ella’s. Miranda, who had done so well with Ella’s levels, but wasn’t Ella’s Happiologist anymore. I wondered if Grimm was in his office. Perhaps he would remember Miranda.

  Grimm was on the phone when I arrived.

  “Frank and Marie are certain?” He waved me in. “Grease stains on the switchboard.” He scribbled notes on a pad.

  It sounded like Levi’s phone visit had been discovered.

  “And they have no way of knowing who he called?”

  I deliberately avoided Grimm’s eyes.

  “Hmm…Erased the phone records.” Grimm wrote and spoke at the same time. “Okay, Daniel, thanks for the information. Write up a report and get copies to me and the king.” Grimm hung up the phone, capped his pen, and looked at me. “What can I do for you, Lily?”

  “Why don’t you have a mirrorphone?” I asked, suddenly realizing that Grimm always used a normal phone.

  He smiled. “I ate part of Dulcita’s mirrorphone and she cursed me.”

  I opened my mouth and then closed it. Grimm’s reply was not at all what I had expected. I had expected something like I think mirrorphones are impractical, or I think traditional phones are more private.

  I sighed, preparing myself for another illogical revelation. “Who’s Dulcita?”

  “The witch from Hansel and Gretel.”

  I racked my brain for a reference. “They returned my bike after the storm,” I said, surprised at my recollection. “And,” I added, slowly, remembering something else from Calo’s assigned readings, “don’t they have an evil stepmother?”

  “They do,” Grimm confirmed.

  I smiled, proud of myself for remembering a fairy tale. “So you ate Dulcita’s mirrorphone, and now you can’t have a one?”

  “I was a beginning Happiologist, and at the time, there were no forks to allow for rapid travel. I had biked nearly around the entire seventh wood, and I was starving. I came upon a little cottage made of candy and gingerbread.” Grimm licked his lips. “Anyway,” he shook his head, “in the yard were all kinds of things: tables, chairs, dishes–you name it. At first I thought it was a yard sale, but everything was really food, so I assumed it was a bake sale.

  “I decided I would buy the mirrorphone cake. I was so hungry I started eating while I waited at the pretzel table to pay.” He sighed, sadly. “Little did I know that Dulcita was really just brushing crumbs off her walls. She had moved the furniture outside, so it wouldn’t get crumby.”

  “Oh,” I interrupted. “Let me guess; she came outside, saw you, and angrily cursed you.”

  Grimm nodded. “Exactly. Now, whenever I look in a mirrorphone, I turn into a statue.”

  My eyes went wide. “Wow. That’s horrible!”

  Grimm started laughing. “It’s not so bad, really. The curse wears off in a week, and the stone does wonders for your skin. It’s just an annoying hazard mostly.” He grinned. “But you didn’t come in here to ask about mirrorphones, did you?”

  I stopped calculating Grimm’s total mass in stone and paid attention. “Right,” I nodded. “I’m doing some in-depth research on Ella for Calo.” Not exactly truth, not exactly lie. “And as I was going through the file, the name of a Happiologist I didn’t know came up: Miranda. Do you know her?”

  Grimm half-smiled and nodded. “Yes, I’m acquainted with Miranda.”

  “Well, do you know why Ella switched Happiologists from Miranda to my father? All the reports indicated they had an excellent relationship. Miranda was making real progress in maintaining Ella’s levels.”

  Grimm shifted in his chair. “Miranda married and was considering cutting back on her case load, so she could have more time with her husband. She usually carried well above the normal number of clients and decided to scale down to an average load. Miranda never intended to drop Ella from her client list, but Levi heard about it and twis
ted it to serve his own purposes.”

  I looked up. “Levi?”

  Grimm nodded and continued. “He told Ella that Miranda was going to drop her because Miranda was too happily married to spend time with her anymore. And if you are studying Ella’s file, you know her own marriage is a source of her unhappiness. Ella was jealous of Miranda’s marriage and, I think, her job. So she dropped her.”

  “Miranda dropped Ella?”

  Grimm shook his head. “No. Ella dropped Miranda. She changed Happiologists, citing irreconcilable differences. Miranda tried to explain things, tried to make her see, but Levi’s words were stuck in her mind.” Grimm sighed. “It’s too bad. He’s entirely too good at what he does.”

  I smiled uncomfortably. “Really?”

  “Yes, from a SEA standpoint, he’s brilliant. He doesn’t just make a person sad. He thinks fifteen steps ahead, but, more importantly, he understands that a person’s depression never impacts only them; it touches everyone close to them.”

  I thought of Celdan and her four dead children. Watching her suffer must have impacted Colin and her father, slowly destroying them.

  “Ella’s firing of Miranda had an effect on Miranda as well. She felt responsible, and her levels reflected that for a time.” Grimm sipped some coffee.

  “Is Miranda still a Happiologist?”

  “Yes. Her office is upstairs.” Grimm pointed to the ceiling.

  “Who did she marry?”

  Grimm smiled and raised his eyebrows, “Me.”

  ~~~

  I didn’t use either of the map-table’s routes to Ella’s. Instead I made a detour to Once Upon a Tine, to speak with Puss, the talking-cat owner. His tail swished around behind him, and he stroked his whiskers often, but I suppose he washes his paws before he returns to work. Puss agreed to my proposal, only on a trial basis, but that’s still something.

  I biked back around to Pele Fork and went to Ella’s. Everything near her castle was still impeccably neat. The grass was amazingly green and perfect, as if it were daring you to litter and destroy the happy picture.