The Cinderella Theorem

by Kristee Ravan

  Levi paused–probably for a smirk. “Princess Lily Elizabeth Sparrow–the future Protector.”

  Tallis sat straight up and smiled. “I’ll see her now. Tristen!” He snapped his fingers at a person in the shadows. “Clear my schedule and alert Malcom.” Tristen made a shadowy bow and left the room.

  During all of this, Levi stood near the throne like a puppy waiting to be praised. At a nod from Tallis, he gestured to where I was hidden. “My Lord Tallis, it is my unending honor to present: Princess Lily Elizabeth Sparrow, future Protector of E. G. Smythe’s Salty Fire Land.”

  I swallowed, made a silent wish that Doug’s plan would work, and walked towards the dais. Tallis looked as if he were bouncing slightly in excitement and I didn’t think Levi’s smile could mathematically get any bigger. The ratio of muscle capacity to facial area was stretched thin already, and–

  I stopped myself.

  This was not the time for math.

  I curtsied and waited.

  “You may speak,” Tallis moved an arm in a welcoming gesture.

  I ducked my head a little in a slight bow and said, “Thank you for agreeing to see me, my lord.”

  “I always welcome my enemies into my home. Though I have heard my own emissaries did not receive an equally cordial reception.”

  I smiled. “No doubt our welcome was as genuine as yours is false.”

  Tallis laughed: a scary, deep sound. “Witty, like your father. And pretty, like your lovely mother, Ginnie.” He shot a glance at Levi.

  Levi turned and nodded at someone in the shadows.

  “But surely you did not come all this way to verbally spar with me.” He raised his eyebrows in anticipation.

  “Your Lordship speaks rightly,” I swallowed, grateful for the quest clause’s vocabulary. “I’ve come to ask that you release Ella, called Cinderella. Her story is of great importance to the children of the real world.”

  Tallis studied me for a moment. “No. Your request is denied. And you would do well to remember that while you’re here, my world is the real and only world.”

  “Perhaps Your Lordship would be willing to bargain for Ella’s release.”

  “Bargain?” Tallis smiled. “What could you offer me that would be worth the release of a prisoner? Worth emptying a cell?”

  I returned his smile and answered, “Myself.”

  Tallis narrowed his eyes for a moment, studying me. “Done,” he said, suddenly, slapping his leg. “I will empty a cell in exchange for your surrender. Levi, escort the Princess to the dungeon.”

  Grinning, Levi led me out of the room. His greasy hand held my arm tightly and as we left, I heard Tallis call out, “A pleasure doing business with you!”

  Levi walked fast. I had to trot to keep up with him. I smiled to myself; Levi didn’t know I had not the minutest intention of getting away. I was 100% glad to be going to the dungeon.

  I mentally checked off another part of Doug’s plan.

  21

  Everyone is Sad

  The cell door closed with a thud and Levi looked through the window. “Enjoy your stay, Princess.” He flashed his greasy smile.

  After his footsteps faded, I counted by squares to four hundred and let out a sigh. I was in. But would I really be able to get out?

  I looked around the cell. Except for a pile of straw in the corner, it was less like a dungeon and more like a nightmarish classroom. An old desk sat in the middle, a chalkboard hung on one wall, and math books were stacked in the corner. That was the classroom part of the equation. The nightmare part equaled no chalk with which to write, the books were sealed shut, and worst of all was the art.

  Framed and hung all over the walls were equations obviously put there to annoy me. Every equation was wrong and designed to look pretty. 7 + 5 = 75 is prettier to look at than the accurate 7 + 5 = 12. Other such gems included:

  6(6) = 66,

  8 – 3 = 83,

  4/9 = 49,

  and 45 + 70 = 4570.

  I ignored the math art. This is the best they could do at keeping me forever sad? I’m annoyed, certainly, but not exactly morose. Great. I sighed. Another quest clause word. I hope “morose” and “ebony” aren’t pushing vital algebraic equations from my mind.

  Looking out the door window, I saw a guard pacing the hallway. When he passed my cell, I glanced at my watch: 7:45 pm. I sat at the desk and waited for his return. I needed to calculate how long it took for him to complete his rounds.

  This was an integral part of Doug’s plan. In the HEA office, we’d studied my map table’s heat sensing map of the dungeon. I watched the dot that represented the guard move around and around the dungeon, while Doug explained the rest of the plan. He would send me a map of the dungeon through my shoe. I had seen one back at the HEA office, but we didn’t know exactly where they would put me. Because the map table had heat sensing capabilities we could see which cells were occupied. There were thirty-two cells total, twelve of them were occupied before I arrived. I was the thirteenth prisoner, but I expected Tallis to keep his word and empty at least one cell. Then I would only have to rescue 12 people.[56]

  I didn’t think Tallis would actually free Ella. He had cleverly not agreed to that. He only agreed to empty a cell. I just hope he hadn’t freed Calo. I needed Calo’s help to get everyone else happy.

  A sudden pain in my left foot meant Doug’s first update had arrived. I kicked off my shoe and unfolded it. The map of the dungeon was clear. Doug had drawn a circle around my cell and marked it “Lily”. On the other side of the hallway, six cells away, he had marked an X through a cell, with the notation, “Ella’s birds–freed.”

  I slipped my shoe back on, without tying it. More updates were coming and they wouldn’t hurt as much with my shoe loose. I tucked the laces in so I wouldn’t trip.

  I had hoped the evil stepmother or the evil Queen from The Candlemaker’s Daughter would be the freed prisoner, but on second thought I was glad I wouldn’t have to talk to birds.

  Footsteps came from the hallway and I quickly sat on the map. I looked at my watch: 7:52. Seven minutes. I had no way of knowing if this was accurate. Any mathematician knows you must have lots of data to interpret from. What if he had been delayed on his circuit and it usually only took five minutes? I would have to get an average time.

  As his footsteps faded, I focused on finding Calo. When I left my cell, I could either go left or right. 50% chance of choosing correctly. Going left meant another choice almost immediately as it split into two directions. But going right meant a long hallway, with only two cells to check, but it was the only way to get to one of the cells, unless I backtracked later. Where had they put him?

  I decided to take the longer route to avoid the backtracking, which would waste time and be unmathematical. Also, I would be following the path of the guard and be less likely to run into him that way.

  I smiled, confident in my mathematical decision and lay on the pile of straw, waiting for the guard to return. If he looked in, I hoped he would think I was lying there in a defeated position, thinking depressing thoughts. He returned at 7:58. Hmm. Only six minutes this time.

  While he was gone the third time, I decided to test Doug’s statement that I’d be able to get out of my cell because I wasn’t unhappy. I quietly put my hand on the handle; it turned completely and the door pulled in a little. Inexplicably, and unmathematically, I’d be able to walk out into the hall whenever I wanted. I looked at the door more closely. There wasn’t even a keyhole. Apparently, locking people up with their unhappiness was rather effective.

  Next, I rubbed the marble to make myself invisible and slipped out of the cell. I closed the door and looked in my window. I needed to see what the guard would see; I needed to find a blind spot. After successfully discovering one near the door, I slipped back in, and returned to visibility.

  I continued hanging out near the door. It was important that I look impatient when the guard passed next. He was back at 8:07. Nine minutes.

 
; I thrust my arm through the window and assumed my princessly demeanor. “You there! Guard.”

  He stopped and raised an eyebrow.

  I brought my arm back in. “Could I possibly have a blanket? This cell is quite chilly, and I’m ready to retire.”

  He brought the blanket back in seven minutes. As he was leaving, I called out, “As I’ll be sleeping now, I’ll thank you to step lightly as you pass my door.”

  He made a scoffing noise, stomping his feet loudly as he walked on.

  When his footsteps had faded, I dashed to the straw in the corner and quickly made a pile that (when covered with a blanket) resembled a sleeping person. Taking a deep breath, I went to stand near the door and made myself invisible.

  While I waited, I reviewed the route I would take. Out the door. Turn right, check second cell door on left. Turn left. Check second door on left again. Continue on. Turn left. Check first door on right.

  I continued repeating the route until I was sure I knew it, and I heard the guard returning. I held the marble poised to reappear if necessary. He came to the window and looked around slowly. He was so close I could smell the fish he’d had for dinner. He narrowed his eyes as he looked at the “body” in the straw, but eventually he walked on.

  When I couldn’t hear his footsteps, I slowly opened the door and slipped out, closing it just as quietly. I walked silently to the left and checked the first occupied cell on Doug’s map.

  I stood on my tip-toes to see inside. Not Calo. I didn’t recognize the occupant. I had no clue who this man was. I almost laughed when I thought of what Calo would say: “You didn’t know who he was, Lily? How can you be so useless? Here is a perfect example of why you should have learned everyone in the kingdom on a facial recognition basis.” I bit my lip, because it was true. I really should know who this man was, but I didn’t. And I didn’t have any more time to stand here thinking about this.

  Just as I was turning away, a stroke of mathematical genius struck me. I may not know who he is, but Calo will. If I described whatever was making him sad, then Calo, the brilliant Happiologist, should be able to figure out who he is.

  I looked in again. The man was trying to take a ring off his finger. There was an empty cradle in the corner, and on the wall hung a picture of a really beautiful, really evil looking woman. She reminded me of Potio Bane or Morgan Le Faye. I repeated the items again to seal them in my memory, then I turned the corner to the left.

  The first cell on this hallway was empty. (The right hand side had no cells on it; apparently, it was just a wall.) I checked quickly anyway. Mathematically, it’s always better to be safe than sorry.

  In the second cell on the left, a woman sat on a low stool. She wore black mourning clothes. On the wall hung an embroidered sampler[57] that read, “Children are the comfort of old age.” Underneath it were empty picture frames; one of them was engraved with the words: “Mother’s Pride and Joy.” I memorized her sad items and moved on.

  The next three cells were empty–just as the map had reported them. I walked as quietly as I could here. This hallway formed a beautiful right angle with another hallway. I peered carefully around the corner to see if the guard was still in the intersecting hallway. He wasn’t, so I turned left and checked the first door. Hopefully it would be Calo.

  I peered through the window. A young woman sat in a corner trying to sew by the light of a flickering candle. She was quietly crying and whispering to herself. I strained my ears to hear what she was saying: “Just ignore it. Just ignore it. It isn’t real. It’s not really him. There is no baby crying.”

  A baby crying? I didn’t hear anything. I listened for another moment, and still heard nothing. Obviously, this wasn’t Calo. I memorized her sad items and moved on.

  I walked very quietly; the perpendicular hallway was short and intersected another hallway. I had studied this hall very carefully on the map table. The guard walked through it twice on his route. The first time on the left side and the second on the right. I stopped to calculate. He was about forty-five seconds ahead of me anyway, since I had waited for his footsteps to fade. Based on the data I’d gathered about his route, I knew he took between six and nine minutes to complete it. Twice he came back in seven minutes. So between three hundred sixty seconds (6 minutes x 60 seconds) and five hundred forty seconds (9 minutes x 60 seconds), I could expect him to return to a given spot. I would, of course, use the lower end of the equation; better safe than sorry as Newton would say–if Newton had ever done anything like this. I spent a moment imaging Sir Isaac Newton finding a way to use the law of gravity to free Calo.

  Then I returned to calculating; I was already forty-five seconds behind (360 – 45 = 315 seconds). I estimated that each door stop had taken about thirty seconds for me to observe and memorize, so three stops at thirty seconds each equals ninety more seconds. (315 – 90 = 225 seconds until the guard came up behind me.) Additionally, I estimated three seconds each for the empty cells that I checked. Three times six equals eighteen more seconds. (225 – 18 = 207 seconds.) Plus I had been moving slowing, so I subtracted another thirty seconds. (207 – 30 = 177 seconds.) Finally, I subtracted another ninety seconds for how long I had been standing there calculating. (177 – 90 = 87 seconds.)

  I was just wondering if the guard had already walked this hallway for the second time, when he suddenly came around the corner. I flattened myself against the wall and waited quietly until he turned the corner to the right. As silently as was mathematically possible, I began my trek to the next occupied cell. It was on the left–three doors down. No one was in the first two cells, but the one of them was full of feathers.[58]

  Just as I reached the third door, the guard re-entered the hallway. I sucked my breath in. I had forgotten that when he left this hallway, he only went down a short three-cell hall and doubled back to pass by my cell. When he had turned the corner, I let out my breath and took a hesitant step forward. The margin of error in this equation was so small, there was no room my carelessness.

  Ella was in the next cell I checked. My stomach twisted with guilt. My friend (I hoped she would still be my friend when this was over) sat at an easel, painting. But she wasn’t creating her usual paintings of talking birds or cleaning supplies. Instead, whenever she put the brush to the canvas, colors spread in all directions melting together to make a complete picture. The first stroke I saw became Aven searching through his old map room–looking for his maps. When Ella, horrified by this picture, withdrew the brush, the picture vanished. She touched the canvas again and there was Miranda and Grimm looking very happy on their wedding day. Ella herself was in the background, looking very sad. She removed the brush again, the picture melted away, and she buried her face in her hands, crying.

  I wondered why she didn’t just stop trying to paint. I began putting together a formula for the probability of her being magically confined to the stool, when I noticed the rest of her cell.

  It was filthy–disgustingly so. Its filth defied all mathematical laws. How could one room be so dirty? The only clean spot was the small circle in the center of the room where the easel stood. No wonder Ella was there. She couldn’t bear being in any other part of the cell.

  I sighed. Ella’s unhappiness may not have been all my fault, but I certainly did not do all I could to stop her. I looked at her once more and made a promise to myself. If I get out of this alive, I will do all I can to become a true Protector for these people.

  I tore myself away. Calo was more important right now, and I needed to stick to Doug’s plan. The next two cells were empty, but the third was not. When I looked in, I saw Calo reclining in his pile of straw. Every inch of wall space was covered with screens, playing fleeting clips of Calo’s unhappy past: Thomas and Calo fighting as children, a lonely, younger Calo walking alone. Then the screens shifted to a scene of the HEA office without Calo–everyone looked glummer, Grimm especially. Then suddenly, the Happiologists started vanishing and Levi was there greasily running things.

&nbs
p; Calo sighed deeply, and I looked to see what had equaled that response. There, strangely, on the screen was me, working alone in our cubicle.

  22

  This is a Rescue

  “Why am I making you sad?” I asked aloud, without thinking.

  Calo turned toward the door; his eyes were wide and fearful. “Lily?” he whispered.

  “Oh, right,” I muttered, realizing I should probably be in the cell while we discussed things. The guard could come at any minute. I opened the door and slipped in.

  As the door opened, Calo jumped off the straw and backed away. “Lily? Is that you?”

  “Of course it’s me. I’ve come to rescue you!”

  Calo shook his head, mumbling, “I must be hearing things. Tallis is pumping her voice in to torture me.” He rubbed his eyes and turned away from me.

  “No, Calo. It’s me!” I grabbed his shoulder to turn him around.

  He jumped and shouted.

  “Shh!” I hissed. “You’ll attract the guard and he’ll come and see—”

  “Come and see what?” He hissed back.

  I opened my mouth and closed it again. “Oh.”

  Calo: 1, Lily: 0.

  I rubbed myself visible and felt as if a heavy wool blanket had been lifted from me. I was covered in sweat. In all the excitement of escaping my cell and finding Calo, I’d forgotten how uncomfortably warm it was to be invisible.

  Calo’s eyes went even wider than before. “What are you doing here?”

  “This is a rescue,” I said, importantly.

  Calo sighed and rolled his eyes. “I suppose someone told you about Matt’s Law and you decided to come save everyone.”

  “What’s Matt’s Law?”

  “You waltzed into the heart of Uppish Senna without knowing about Matt’s Law?”

  “I guess.”

  “Are you insane? Do you have any idea the risk you are taking? Do you even realize you have jeopardized the entire kingdom?”

  “Shh.” I held up my hand and listened. Footsteps. I quickly rubbed myself invisible, waited for the guard to pass, and rubbed myself visible again.