The Cinderella Theorem

by Kristee Ravan

  “But won’t they all just fall into the depths of despair after they realize the truth?”

  “The depths of despair?” Calo was grinning.

  “Quest clause,” I muttered.

  Calo chuckled. “I like this new facet of you. Lily-of-the-prosy-word-picture.”

  “Ha, ha. Can we get back to my question?”

  “Fine. They won’t fall into the depths of despair. As soon as they vanish back, they are met with specially trained Happiologists who help them debrief and come to terms with their lives and happiness apart from whatever we had to say to get them back.”

  “How do the Happiologists know where they are?”

  “We’ve managed to make sure that everyone vanishes back to the eleventh floor of HEA. It’s written into the accords we have with Uppish Senna.”

  “So that makes it okay to lie?”

  “It’s a necessary evil. If we don’t lie, they don’t go back.”

  I dropped the subject. The morality of lying to our citizens was an issue for another time, and I couldn’t deny the fact that the lying was working.

  After the guard passed, we gave him a bit of a head start before we continued on our way. Aven’s cell was nearest, but as part of Calo’s plan, we purposely left Aven for later. Calo’s royal grandfather (Colin’s dad) was next.

  Calo seemed a little nervous, but wouldn’t go for any deviation from the plan. (I had offered to do the talking and let him stay invisible while he made the dummy.)

  He pulled the king into one of the corners and talked quietly to him. I couldn’t hear what they were saying, but the king hugged Calo right before he vanished.

  “How are you doing, Calo?” I asked as he came over.

  “Cinderella’s stepmother is next, isn’t she?” His voice was his old, arrogant self. He took two steps toward the door, then he stopped and turned around. “Sorry, Lily. I know what you’re trying to do. I appreciate it. And after I’ve had some time to process it, I’ll be glad for a friend to talk to.” He smiled.

  “We’re friends?”

  “Well,” he thought a moment, “partners at least. Now, get over here and turn us invisible.”

  ~~~

  Cinderella’s stepmother, Agatha, was delighted to learn that her daughters were free and had a chance to marry Prince Charming after all. She happily vanished back to Smythe’s SFL to help the girls win the prince.

  Celdan’s cell was next. Calo planned to bring her to Colin’s cell and reveal himself to both parents at the same time.

  One part of this plan jarred with my mathematical mind. “How will Celdan be able to leave her cell if we’re not going to get her Happy until she’s with Colin?”

  “How am I able to leave my cell? I’m not Happy yet.”

  “Huh.” I had not considered that. “Why are you able to leave your cell?”

  Calo shrugged. “I don’t know. That’s why I asked you.”

  “Why would I know? You’re the brilliant Happiologist.”

  “Because I think you’re doing it.” Calo flattened us up against the wall in preparation for the passing of the guard. While we waited until it was safe, I calculated why Calo would think I was the cause of this phenomenon. Was I suddenly in possession of some sort of magical ability? Could the quest clause be responsible for this?

  “Why do you think I’m doing it?” I asked, once it was safe to talk again.

  “It’s just a theory I have. I think the fact that you aren’t unhappy sort of projects on to other people. Just like we can share in your invisibility, we can share in your happiness.”

  “Interesting.”

  “Well, it’s just one theory. It could also be that you have been endowed with some sort of magical power or the fact that you’re in the royal family or that we’ve been misled by Tallis into thinking we’re all trapped in our cells.” After a moment, he finished with “Or…you’re just a freak.”

  I sighed. “I love the exact precision offered by the magical world.”

  Calo chuckled. “Alright, let’s get my mother.”

  Celdan was surprised to see us–well Calo, I was invisible.

  “What is the meaning of this? I have been alone these many years. Why should Tallis send someone to torture me now?”

  Calo made a slight bow. “My lady, pray give me the opportunity to explain. I have—”

  Calo was interrupted by Celdan, exclaiming. “Good heavens! What is happening to the straw?”

  “That is my partner, Lily. She’s making a dummy so the guard will think you are sleeping long after we have rescued you. Now, my lady, we intend to convey you to your husband’s cell.”

  “Colin? Colin is here?”

  Calo nodded. “Yes, my lady.”

  Celdan sank down onto a stool. “I didn’t know he had succumbed. I hoped he was still free.”

  Calo stepped over to Celdan and helped her stand again. “We must go now. The guard will pass again soon. If you please, do take my hand. Lily will hold your other hand and we will all be invisible.”

  “You look a little like my Colin,” Celdan said, taking Calo’s hand.

  ~~~

  We made it safely to Colin’s cell. Calo and Celdan became visible and I went to work on the straw. Once again, I was thankful that all the citizens had blankets. Straw-dummies minus the blankets would just equal piles of straw.

  “Celdan!” Colin rushed to her side.

  “Colin!” Celdan threw her arms around him. “Oh, my love.”

  “But how can this be?” Colin looked confused.

  Calo coughed discreetly. “Please allow me to explain. Lily and I are here to rescue you.”

  “Lily?” Colin asked.

  Calo gestured in my direction, and I stomped my foot.

  “She’s invisible,” Calo added.

  “Ah,” Colin nodded. “Continue, please.”

  Calo took a deep breath. “As you no doubt know, the best way out of these dungeons is simply to become Happy. And besides reuniting yourselves, I have something to tell you that should make you quite Happy.”

  “You seem like a well-qualified Happiologist.” Colin smiled faintly. “I’m sure you have thoroughly researched our sad history. We are delighted to be reunited with one another. But we have found it difficult to be Happy since we lost our children.”

  “I am aware of that, sir.” Calo took another breath. “We have recently discovered that your first-born son did not die on the hillside.”

  Celdan gasped; Colin steadied her.

  Calo continued. “He was rescued and adopted by a miller’s family. He grew up and is alive even at this moment.” Calo swallowed.

  I tried to mentally send him courage to complete his equation. But he didn’t need it.

  Celdan ran to him. “You’re my son, aren’t you?”

  After his nod, she held him tight and was soon joined by Colin.

  “I should have recognized you immediately,” she whispered.

  I watched them for a moment, happy for Calo. Then I heard the guard’s footsteps, and I rushed over to them.

  After the guard passed, Celdan clasped Calo’s hands and said, “I’m feeling so Happy.” Her eyes filled with tears.

  Colin put his hand on Calo’s, “You do have a way home, don’t you, Redmond?”

  “Redmond?” I mouthed to Calo. He could see me because we were all still invisible. I stood behind his parents.

  He shrugged and turned back to his father. “Yes, of course, sir. Happiologist technology has come a long way since you’ve been in the kingdom. Lily and I will be able to transport back.”

  “Oh good,” Celdan sighed and she vanished.

  Colin smiled, embraced Calo again and said, “It’s so good to see you, my son.” Then, he vanished.

  I grinned at Calo. “Well, Redmond, I hope you don’t get in trouble for lying to your parents.”

  Calo made a noise. “That is a uniquely disturbing name.” He chuckled. “You know, when I found out I was adopted it never occur
red to me I might not be named Calo. That’s just always been my name. Redmond.” He said, making a face.

  ~~~

  Calo’s other grandfather, Celdan’s father, was another quick vanish. He was all too willing to believe that Celdan was happy again and that Calo was his grandchild.

  “Are you ready?” Calo asked as we made our way to Ella’s cell. Ella was our next to last stop. Our plan was to get her a little happier and finalize her Happiness by having her help rescue Aven. I just wasn’t thrilled about my part of the equation: telling Ella the truth. About how I had used her, how I had tried to make her normal.

  I looked through the window. Ella still sat in the middle of the room. I eased the door open and we slipped in; Calo held my hand tightly. Ella’s eyes widened and she stopped crying.

  Calo nodded to me, smiling encouragingly. I rubbed us visible. Ella’s eyes exploded in width, “What—”

  “Quietly, if you please, my lady.” Calo shushed her and went to stand by the door.

  “What are you doing here, Lily?” Ella offered me her stool.

  I shook my head to decline the offer and said. “I’ve come to rescue you.”

  She gave me a weak smile. “Lily–I–I can’t be rescued. It’s hopeless.”

  “It’s not hopeless.” I sat on the floor beside her stool–trying to ignore the unmathematical filth everywhere. “Ella–you and I have both messed some things up. We created this equation.”

  “That’s not helpful or cheerful, Lily. You Happiologists usually just talk to me about cleaning or birds.” She looked to Calo in confusion.

  I nodded. “And that never made you lastingly happy. Today we’re going to.”

  Ella glanced again at Calo. He nodded and continued watching for the guard. Ella sat back on the stool.

  “So,” I took a deep breath. “I have a confession to make. I don’t really understand the fairytale world. I like math. I like things that make sense every single time. I like knowing how to solve an equation.” I swallowed. “I don’t understand portaling through a bathtub. I can’t understand the logic of this world. I just decided it was all abnormal. And I had to make it normal.” I looked at Ella. “I gave you advice that I thought would make you normal. I encouraged you to paint and to get out more and I went out of my way to be friendly to you just to make sure you were becoming normal.”

  “I don’t understand, Lily. What do you mean?”

  “I ruined your life, Ella. I made you unhappy.” Inexplicably, tears were forming in my eyes. My descent into unmathematicalness was complete–crying about a fairy tale. “But while I pretended to be your friend, I really became your friend, and I’m so sorry. You have to come back, Ella. Aven needs you. The world needs your story.”

  Ella slipped off the stool and sank down beside me, wrapping me in her arms. “Lily, you didn’t ruin my life.”

  “Yes, it was all me. You were better off before. The whole kingdom was better off before I came.” I sobbed.

  “I may not have vanished before, but I still wasn’t Happy. Your suggestions were not harmful. I chose to burn Aven’s maps. I made my husband, my true love, Unhappy. That’s why I vanished. I made myself Unhappy.”

  We were silent for a moment. Calo rushed over to become invisible with me. Ella scrambled up onto her stool. After the guard passed, Calo made the straw-dummy.

  “I’ve been unfair to Aven,” Ella whispered. “I blamed him for leaving me behind all the time. But he always asked me to come with him.”

  “Why did you never go? You hate being left behind.”

  “I felt a real princess shouldn’t go traipsing about the countryside. A real princess should stay at home and wait for her prince to come back. I hate that. I like to clean, but I felt I shouldn’t as a princess. I love Aven, but since we married, I’ve been so unhappy.”

  I thought a moment and carefully examined the advice I was about to give. I was sure it was good advice and wouldn’t make matters worse. “Ella, don’t focus on what you think a real princess would do. You are a real princess. Whatever you do is what a real princess does. Ella, you’ve got to take control of your happiness. Paint your paintings, go with Aven on his trips, clean the castle yourself. Be the person Aven fell in love with. That’s the princess in you.” The last words were a little hard to get out, since they were somewhat illogical, but this day wasn’t exactly a shining example of mathematical reason.

  But strangely, I could see the math. In Ella’s situation,

  1 prince charming + 1 misused girl did not = happily ever after.

  Ella only had to alter something about the equation, the situation it occurred in or the parameters of the misused girl….

  “Lily?” Ella touched my arm.

  “Sorry!” I snapped out of my calculations. “I got distracted. What were you saying?”

  “I think I’d like to talk to Aven. Can you take me to him?”

  I smiled. “We can do that.”

  ~~~

  Calo and I stood near the door, invisible and a little away from Aven and Ella. They were talking quietly. We’d already made the straw-dummy and now we served as the lookouts. I estimated it would take us two seconds to get to them if the guard came.

  “You did a good job with Ella,” Calo whispered.

  “Yeah,” I nodded. “I did an excellent job of solving my unbalanced equation.”

  “Lily.” Calo tilted my face up so I had to look at him. “You will be a good Happiologist. Look what you did today. You saved The Candlemaker’s Daughter and you’ve almost saved Cinderella. You are good at this. You used your math to get us in and out of the cells. Your calculations kept us one step ahead of the guard this whole time. Our kingdom needs you as its Protector. All of you, even your logical, mathematical side.” He paused. “You should really take your own advice, Lily.”

  “About?”

  “Don’t try to make yourself into the princess you think Smythe’s SFL needs. Be the princess that Smythe’s SFL has. You are a princess. Be who you are.”

  “Thank you, Calo.” His praise equaled a warm feeling inside of me.

  “Excuse me, Princess, Calo?” Aven was looking in our direction. “I think we’re about to leave. Thank you for all you’ve done. I hope you two will be able to find your way back.”

  “Don’t worry about us,” Calo answered. “We have a plan.”

  “Oh, good,” Ella smiled at us, took Aven’s hand, and they both disappeared.

  “So, what exactly is our plan?” I asked Calo.

  “To get home, of course.”

  “How?”

  “That’s open for discussion. I didn’t actually think we’d make it this far.”

  I laughed a little. “It is pretty amazing, isn’t it? We rescued everyone.” I smiled. “Should we try to make each other happy?”

  “I don’t think that would work. You’ve got to start living Happily Ever After, not just get to Happy. I think we should try to stay invisible and sneak out of the dungeon.”

  ~~~

  Sneaking out was easier than we thought. We waited until the guard was well past the area, and since we had seen no other guards in the dungeon, we simply opened the door and traveled along a passageway for four and a half minutes looking for the stairs to the main floor of the fortress. Then we came to a figurative fork in the road. The passage split into two hallways.

  “I think we should go right,” Calo whispered.

  “I think we should go left,” I whispered back. It’s not mathematical, but if I truly don’t know which way to go, I like to go left.

  “You just want to go left because left and Lily start with the same letter.”

  I made a face. “And you just want to go right because right and Redmond both start with an R.”

  Calo sighed. “I really dislike that name.”

  I laughed a little. “We really need to pick a way to go.”

  “Yes, you do,” said a greasy voice behind us.

  I sucked in my breath and spun around. Levi
had a smirk on his face and a dozen guards behind him. Calo grabbed my hand, and then we witnessed Newton’s third law of motion.

  Newton found that for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction. For instance, when we step out of a boat onto the shore, the boat tends to move in the opposite direction. And when Calo grabbed my left hand, I was so surprised that I dropped my marble from my right hand.

  “Oh no,” I breathed, watching it roll away, leaving us visible.

  Calo’s eyes went wide.

  We both moved to grab the marble.

  “Looking for this?” Levi held my blue–the color of the April sky–marble in his greasy fingers.

  “That’s my marble. Give it back,” I said stupidly.

  “Tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk.” Levi shook his head. “There’s magic associated with this marble beyond its obvious power of invisibility.”

  “Give it back, Levi.”

  Calo touched my arm. “Um, Lily. I think we should go,” he whispered.

  “Not without my marble!”

  “Princess!” Levi looked at me in mock surprise. “I’m so shocked! Who let you take your key out of the castle?”

  “That’s your key?” Calo nearly shouted.

  I nodded. “I didn’t want my parents to know I was here, well there. I skipped school, you know.”

  Levi laughed loudly.

  I threw him a disdainful look. “Why are you laughing?”

  “It’s all too entertaining. The heir to the throne, trapped in my lord’s castle and even if you do escape, you’re trapped in your kingdom. Without your silly marble, you’ll never be able to go home.”

  “What? Is that true? Never?” I turned to Calo.

  He nodded slightly.

  “They can’t just issue another one, like a new passport or driver’s license?”

  Calo shook his head. “Magic is a bit more black and white than that. You only get one key.”

  “Give it back, Levi!” I tried to snatch the marble from his greasy hand, but he held it high out of my reach.

  “Let’s see: what happens if I rub it three times to the left?” Levi rubbed the marble and he disappeared.