Monstrous Regiment tds-28

by Terry Pratchett

  “No,” said the squad, as one woman.

  “She needs my constant attention,” said Igorina.

  “If we leave her she might have a sudden attack of vanishing without a trace,” said Tonker.

  “We stick together,” said Polly. “We don’t leave a man behind.”

  The room chosen for the tribunal was a ballroom. More than half the Keep had been taken back, Polly learned, but the distribution of ground was erratic. The Alliance still held the central buildings, and the armoury, but were entirely surrounded by Borogravian forces. The current prize to fight for was the main gate complex, which hadn’t been built to withstand attack from inside. What was happening out there now was a brawl, a midnight bar fight but on a huge scale. And, since there were various war engines atop the towers now occupied by either side, the Keep was shooting at itself, in the finest traditions of the circular firing squad.

  The floor in here smelled of polish and chalk. Tables had been pushed together to make a rough semicircle. There must have been more than thirty officers, Polly thought. Then she saw the other tables behind the semicircles, and the maps, and the people scurrying in and out, and realized that this was not just about them. This was a war-room.

  The squad were marched in, and stood at attention. Igorina had browbeaten a couple of guards to carry Wazzer on a stretcher. That circle of stitches under her eye was worth more than a colonel’s pips. No soldier wanted to be on the wrong side of the Igors.

  They waited. Occasionally an officer would glance at them, and go back to looking at a map, or talking. Then Polly saw some whispering going on, heads turned again, and there was a drift towards the semicircle of seats. There was a definite sense that here was a tiresome chore that, regrettably, had to be done.

  General Froc did not look directly at the squad until he had taken his seat in the centre of the group and adjusted his papers neatly. Even then, his eye passed over them quickly, as if it was afraid to stop. Polly had never seen him before. He was a handsome man, and still had a fine head of white hair. A scar down one side of his face had just missed an eye, and showed up against the wrinkles.

  “Things are moving well,” he said, to the room at large. “We have just heard that a flying column led by the remnant of the Tenth are closing on the Keep and attacking the main gates from outside. Someone must have seen what is happening. The army is on the move!”

  There was a certain amount of refined cheering at this, none of it from the squad. The general glanced at them again.

  “Is this all of them, Clogston?” he said.

  The major, who at least had a small table to himself, stood up and saluted. “No, sir,” he said. “We are awaiting—”

  The doors opened again. Jade was brought in, chained between two much larger trolls. Maladict and Blouse trailed behind her. It seemed that in all the rush and confusion no one had found any trousers for Blouse, and Maladict looked slightly blurred. His chains jingled constantly.

  “I object to the chains, sir,” said Clogston.

  The general held a whispered consultation with a few of the other officers. “Yes, we do not want undue formality,” he said, nodding at the guards. “Remove them. You trolls can go. I just want the guards to remain on the door. Now, let us proceed. This really shouldn’t take too long. Now then, you people,” he settled himself in his chair, “this really is very simple. With the exception of Lieutenant Blouse, you will agree to be returned to your homes and placed in the charge of a responsible male, understood? And no more will be said about this matter. You have showed considerable spirit, there is no doubt about that, but it was misplaced. We are not ungrateful, however. We understand that none of you is married and so we will present you all with suitable, indeed, with handsome dowries—”

  Polly saluted. “Permission to speak, sir?”

  Froc stared at her, and then looked pointedly at Clogston.

  “You’ll have a chance to speak later, corporal,” said the major.

  “But what exactly have we done wrong, sir?” said Polly. “They should tell us.”

  Froc looked at the far end of the row of chairs. “Captain?” he said.

  A short officer got to his feet. In Polly’s face, the tide of recognition raced across the mudflats of hatred.

  “Captain Strappi, political division, sir—” he began, and stopped at the groan from the squad. When it had died away he cleared his throat, and went on: “Twenty-seven Abominations have been committed under Nugganatic law, sir. I suspect there have been many more. Under military law, sir, we have the simple fact that they posed as men in order to join up. I was there, sir, and saw it all.”

  “Captain Strappi, may I congratulate you on your rapid promotion?” said Lieutenant Blouse.

  “Yes, indeed, captain,” said Clogston. “Apparently you were a humble corporal only a few days ago?”

  Plaster dust drifted down again as something heavy struck the wall outside. Froc brushed it off his paperwork.

  “Not one of ours, I hope,” he said, to a certain amount of laughter. “Do go ahead, captain.”

  Strappi turned to the general. “As you know, sir, it is occasionally necessary for us in the political division to assume a lower rank in order to gain intelligence. Covered under the Regulations, sir,” he added.

  The look that General Froc gave him stirred a little teacup of hope in Polly’s breast. No one could like something like Strappi, not even a mother. Then the general turned back to Clogston.

  “Is this germane, major?” he said testily. “We know they disguised themselves as—”

  “—women, sir,” said Clogston smoothly. “That’s all we know, sir. Apart from Captain Strappi’s assertion, and I intend to suggest later that this is tainted, I haven’t yet heard any evidence that they have dressed in any other way.”

  “We have the evidence of our own eyes, man!”

  “Yes, sir. They’re wearing dresses, sir.”

  “And they’re practically bald!”

  “Yes, sir,” said Clogston. He picked up a thick book, dripping with bookmarks. “Book of Nuggan, sir: ‘It is a Beatitude Unto Nuggan that An Woman shall wear her hair short, that the amorous propensities of men be not therefore inflamed.’”

  “I don’t see a lot of bald women around!” snapped Froc.

  “Yes, sir. It is one of those utterances that people find somewhat tricky, like the one about not sneezing. I should say at this point, sir, that I intend to show that Abominations are routinely committed by all of us. We have got into the habit of ignoring them, in fact, which opens up an interesting debate. In any case, short hair is Nugganatically correct. In short, sir, and in short hair, the ladies appear to have been involved in nothing more than a little laundry, a kitchen accident and the release of your good self from the cells.”

  “I saw them!” snarled Strappi. “They looked like men and they acted like men!”

  “Why were you in the recruiting party, captain?” said Major Clogston. “I would not have thought one of those would have been a hotbed of seditious activity?”

  “Is that a relevant question, major?” said the general.

  “I don’t know, sir,” said Clogston. “That’s why I asked. I don’t think we would wish it to be said that these ladies had not been given a fair hearing?”

  “Said by whom?” said Froc. “My officers can be relied upon to be discreet.”

  “Said by the ladies themselves, sir?”

  “Then we must require that they do not speak to anyone!”

  “Oh, I say!” said Blouse.

  “And how will you enforce this, sir?” said Clogston. “Against these women who, we are agreed, stole you out of the jaws of the enemy?”

  There was some muttering amongst the officers.

  “Major Clogston, did you have lunch?” said the general.

  “No, sir.”

  “Colonel Vester said you become a little… erratic when you miss meals…”

  “No, sir. I become tetchy, sir. But I
think a little tetchiness is called for right now. I put a question to Captain Strappi, sir.”

  “Very well, captain, perhaps you will tell us why you were with that recruiting party?” said the general wearily.

  “I was… investigating a soldier, sir. A non-commissioned officer. Our attention had been drawn to irregularities in his files, sir, and where there are irregularities we generally find sedition. I hesitate to talk about this, sir, because this sergeant has been of some service to yourself—”

  “Hrumph!” said the general loudly. “This is not a matter for discussion here, I think.”

  “It was just that according to the files, several officers had helped—” Strappi went on.

  “Hrumph! Not matters for this court, captain! Are we agreed, gentlemen?”

  “Yes, sir, it was just that the major asked me and I—” Strappi began, bewildered.

  “Captain, I suggest you learn what a hrumph means!” roared Froc.

  “So what were you looking for when you rummaged through our stuff?” said Polly, as Strappi shrank.

  “Mmmmmy cccccoffee!” said Maladict. “Yyyyyou ssssstole mmmmmy cccccoffee!”

  “And you ran away when you were told you were going into combat, you little dog’s pizzle!” said Tonker. “Polly said you pissed your drawers!”

  General Froc slammed his fist on the table, but Polly noticed that one or two officers were trying to conceal a smile. “These are not matters for this inquiry!” he said.

  “Although, sir, one or two of them seem to me to be subjects for investigation later on,” said a colonel, further along the table. “The personal belongings of enlisted men may only be searched in their presence, general. This may seem a trivial point, but men have mutinied over it in the past. Did you, in fact, believe the… men to be women when you did this, captain?”

  Oh, say yes, please say yes, Polly thought, as Strappi hesitated. Because when we talk about how those cavalrymen found us so quickly, it’ll mean you set them on a bunch of Borogravian girls. Let’s see how that one plays in Plün! And if you didn’t know, then why were you rummaging?

  Strappi preferred the rock to the hard place. Stone clattered down in the courtyard outside, and he had to raise his voice to make himself heard.

  “I was, er, generally suspicious of them, sir, because they were so keen—”

  “Sir, I protest!” said Clogston. “Keenness is not a military vice!”

  “In moderation, certainly,” said Froc. “And you found evidence of some sort, did you?”

  “I did find a petticoat, sir,” said Strappi, feeling his way with care.

  “Then why didn’t you—” Froc began, but Strappi interrupted.

  “I did serve for a while with Captain Wrigglesworth, sir,” he said.

  “And?” said Froc, but the officer on his left leaned over and whispered something to him. “Oh, Wrigglesworth. Ha, yes,” said Froc. “Of course. Fine officer, Wrigglesworth. Keen on, er—”

  “Amateur dramatics,” a colonel supplied, in a noncommittal voice.

  “Right! Right! Ver’ good for morale, that sort of thing. Hrumph.”

  “With respect, general, I think I can offer a way through?” said another man with a general’s rank.

  “Really, Bob?” said Froc. “Oh, well… feel free. The record will show that I am yielding the floor to General Kzupi.”

  “I’m sorry, sir, I thought these proceedings were not being recorded?” said Clogston.

  “Yes, yes, of course, thank you so much for jogging my memory,” said Froc. “However, if we were to have a record, that is what it would show. Bob?”

  “Ladies,” said General Kzupi, flashing the squad a glossy smile. “And you too, of course, Lieutenant Blouse, and you too, er…” he looked quizzically at Maladict, who stared straight back “…sir?” General Kzupi, though, was not to be derailed by an eyeballing vampire, even one that couldn’t stand still. “Firstly, may I offer on behalf of all of us, I think, our thanks for the incredible job you have done? A splendid effort. But, sadly, the world we live in has certain… rules, you understand? To be frank, the problem here is not that you are women. As such, that is. But you persist in maintaining that you are. You see? We can’t have that.”

  “You mean if we put on uniforms again, and swaggered around belching and saying ‘har har, fooled you all’ that would be all right?” said Polly.

  “Perhaps I could help?” said yet another voice. Froc looked along the table.

  “Ah, Brigadier Stoffer. Yes?”

  “This is all rather damn silly, general—”

  “Hrumph!” said Froc.

  “What say?” said Stoffer, looking puzzled.

  “There are ladies present, brigadier. That is, ahah, the problem.”

  “Damn right!” said Tonker.

  “Understood, general. But the party was led by a man, am I right?”

  “Lieutenant Blouse tells me he is a man, sir,” said Clogston. “Since he is an officer and a gentleman, I will take his word for it.”

  “Well, then, problem solved. These young ladies helped him. Smuggled him in, and so forth. Assisted him. Fine traditions of Borogravian womanhood and all that. Not soldiers at all. Give the man a big medal and make him a captain, and all this’ll be forgotten.”

  “Excuse me one moment, general,” said Clogston. “I will consult with what we would call the accused if anyone would enlighten me as to the precise nature of the charges.”

  He walked over to the squad and lowered his voice. “I think this is the best offer you’re going to get,” he said. “I can probably get the money, too. How about it?”

  “It’s completely ridiculous!” said Blouse. “They showed tremendous courage and determination. All this would not have been possible without them.”

  “Yes, Blouse, and you would be allowed to say that,” said Clogston. “Stoffer has come up with quite a clever idea. Everyone gets what they want, but you just have to avoid any suggestion that you were in fact acting as soldiers. Brave Borogravian women going to the aid of a gallant hero, that works. You could take the view that these are changing times, and you are helping them change faster. Well?”

  The squad exchanged glances.

  “Er… I’d be happy about that,” Shufti ventured. “If everyone else is.”

  “So you’d have your baby without a husband?” said Polly.

  “He’s probably dead anyway, whoever he was,” sighed Shufti.

  “The general has influence,” said Clogston. “He might be able to—”

  “No, I’m not buying into this,” said Tonker. “It’s a gooey little lie. To hell with them.”

  “Lofty?” said Polly.

  Lofty struck a match, and stared at it. She could find matches anywhere.

  There was another crump, high above.

  “Maladict?” said Polly.

  “Llet tthe bball rroll. II ssay nno.”

  “And you, lieutenant?” Clogston asked.

  “It’s dishonourable,” said Blouse.

  “Could be problems for you if you don’t accept, though. With your career.”

  “I suspect I haven’t got one, major, whatever happens. No, I will not live a lie. I know, now, that I’m not a hero. I’m just someone who wanted to be one.”

  “Thank you, sir,” said Polly. “Er… Jade?”

  “One of der trolls wot arrested me hit me with his club an’ I frew a table at him,” said Jade, looking at the floor.

  “That was mistreatment of a pris—!” Blouse began, but Clogston said: “No, lieutenant, I know something about trolls. They are very… physical. So… he’s a rather attractive lad, is he, private?”

  “I got a good feelin’ about him,” said Jade, blushing. “So I don’t want to be sent home. Nothin’ for me there, anyway.”

  “Private Igor… ina?” said Blouse.

  “I think we ought to give in,” said Igorina.

  “Why?” said Polly.

  “Because Wazzer’s dying.” She ra
ised a hand. “No, please don’t cluster round. Give her air, at least. She hasn’t eaten. I can’t get any water down her at all.” She looked up with red-rimmed eyes. “I don’t know what to do!”

  “The Duchess talked to her,” said Polly. “You all heard. And you know what we saw down in the crypt.”

  “And I said I don’t believe any of that!” said Tonker. “It’s her… mind. They made her crazy enough. And we were all so tired, we’d see anything. All that stuff about wanting to get to the High Command? Well, here they are, and I don’t see any miracles. Do you?”

  “I don’t think she would have wanted us to give in,” said Polly.

  No.

  “Did you hear that?” said Polly, although she wasn’t certain that the word had turned up in her head via her ears.

  “No, I didn’t!” said Tonker. “I didn’t hear it!”

  “I don’t think we can accept this compromise, sir,” said Polly to the major.

  “Then I won’t,” said Shufti promptly. “I don’t… this wasn’t… I only came because… but… look, I’m staying with you. Erm… what can they do to us, sir?”

  “Put you in a cell for a long time, probably,” said the major. “They’re being kind to you—”

  “Kind?” said Polly.

  “Well, they think they’re being kind,” said Clogston. “And they could be a lot worse. And there’s a war on. They don’t want to look bad, but Froc didn’t get to be a general by being nice. I have to warn you about that. You’re still turning this down?”

  Blouse looked round at his men. “I believe we are, major.”

  “Good,” said Clogston, winking.

  Good.

  Clogston went back to his table and shuffled his papers. “The allegedly accused, sir, regretfully turn down the offer.”

  “Yes, I thought they might,” said Froc. “In that case, they are to be returned to the cells. They will be dealt with later.” Plaster showered down as something hit the outer wall again. “This has gone quite far enough!”

  “We won’t be sent to the cells!” Tonker shouted.