Inspiration

by Maria Grace

  Miss Bingley gasped and stared at him. “Oh! shocking! I never heard anything so abominable. How shall we punish him for such a speech?”

  “Nothing so easy, if you have but the inclination,” Elizabeth glanced back at him, her eyes gaining a heretofore unseen fire. “Tease him; laugh at him. Intimate as you are, you must know how it is to be done.”

  Spectacular! She was spectacular!

  “But upon my honor I do not. I do assure you that my intimacy has not yet taught me that.”

  Miss Bingley pressed her hand to her chest. Her bulging eyes suggested she was truly surprised as he had never seen her before. “Tease calmness of temper and presence of mind! No, no—I feel he may defy us there. And as to laughter, we will not expose ourselves, if you please, by attempting to laugh without a subject.”

  “Mr. Darcy is not to be laughed at! That is an uncommon advantage, and uncommon I hope it will continue, for it would be a great loss to me to have many such acquaintances. I dearly love a laugh.” A musical laugh followed as if to prove a point.

  Was it possible to capture such a sound in paint?

  He cleared his throat. “Miss Bingley has given me credit for more than can be. The wisest and the best of men, nay, the wisest and best of their actions, may be rendered ridiculous by a person whose first object in life is a joke.”

  Elizabeth turned away from Miss Bingley and faced him directly. “Certainly, there are such people, but I hope I am not one of them. I hope I never ridicule what is wise or good. Follies and nonsense, whims and inconsistencies do divert me, I own, and I laugh at them whenever I can. But these, I suppose, are precisely what you are without.”

  How could one resist the challenge, the flame in her eyes, the pointedness of her voice? He leaned toward her. “Perhaps that is not possible for anyone. But it has been the study of my life to avoid those weaknesses which often expose a strong understanding to ridicule.”

  “Such as vanity and pride.”

  “Yes, vanity is a weakness indeed. But pride—where there is a real superiority of mind, pride will be always under good regulation.”

  Elizabeth turned away to hide a smile. Whatever did she mean by that? Did she agree with his statement, or did she find it somehow amusing and laughable? Would he ever know?

  “Your examination of Mr. Darcy is over, I presume, and pray what is the result?” Miss Bingley’s voice took on an uneasy edge.

  “I am perfectly convinced by it that Mr. Darcy has no defect. He owns it himself without disguise.” Miss Elizabeth’s gaze remained fixed on him.

  “No,” Darcy stood—did not one rise when challenged? His heart beat a little faster—who would have suspected his muse had such wit? “I have made no such pretension. I have faults enough, but they are not, I hope, of understanding. My temper, I dare not vouch for. It is, I believe, too little yielding, certainly too little for the convenience of the world. I cannot forget the follies and vices of others so soon as I ought, nor their offences against myself. My feelings are not puffed about with every attempt to move them. My temper would perhaps be called resentful. My good opinion once lost is lost forever.”

  Gracious, why had he said that? Why had he said any of it? He never talked of himself and certainly never in such a way!

  “That is a failing indeed! Implacable resentment is a shade in a character.” Miss Elizabeth folded her arms over her chest, frost tinging her voice. “But you have chosen your fault well. I really cannot laugh at it. You are safe from me.”

  “There is, I believe, in every disposition a tendency to some particular evil, a natural defect which not even the best education can overcome.” Why could he not give up this conversation?

  “And your defect is a propensity to hate everybody.”

  “And yours is willfully to misunderstand them.” His face flushed, and his breath came a little faster. No one, particularly a woman, had ever spoken to him so.

  “Do let us have a little music.” Miss Bingley harrumphed and hurried to the pianoforte.

  The instrument was opened, and Darcy returned to his sketches. It took all his strength not to look at her, not to stare and study the fiery goddess before him, but one did not stare at such a figure without getting burned.

  Perhaps it was too late already. Perhaps this was the price of the muse’s favor: the danger of paying Miss Elizabeth too much attention.

  ∞∞∞

  The ensuing fortnight sent Darcy—or rather his muse—into a frenzy. In the midst of it all, he assured himself that he was, in fact, in control of the entire process but intentionally chose to give into his creative instincts.

  Bingley argued that Darcy was hardly in control of anything.

  None of it mattered in the fervor of creative productivity. Every moment of daylight, Darcy painted. In the candlelight of evening, he sketched references to stay him against the inevitable removal from Miss Elizabeth’s presence. Nearly every aspect of her person, her eyes, her ears, her fingers, even her elbow were all added to that valuable compendium.

  Miss Bingley had seen it once. She thought it rather dear how artists like he and Bingley were forever scratching away in their books, sketching this and that but never really finishing much. Worse yet, in her vanity, she was complimented to think that it might be herself figuring in those sketches. He did not bother to correct her.

  Chapter 2

  Darcy stood before his mirror. His valet had left moments before, having tied Darcy’s finely starched cravat in an intricate knot. There was a certain art to getting those things just right. One could become obsessed with it if he allowed himself.

  On more than one occasion, Darcy had been told that he cut a dashing figure and ought to paint a likeness of himself. After all, he despised all the attempts made by the artists his father had hired. The notion was flattering, but it would never happen.

  Hours spent staring at himself in a mirror—what an utterly depressing thought. He was no artists’ model. His features were too irregular—or at least they were to his practiced eye. His expressions were decidedly dour, no matter how he tried to school them otherwise. No, he would rather paint beauty.

  He would rather paint Miss Elizabeth.

  And shortly he would see her. Tonight, at the ball.

  Although he put on the expected show of disliking the social convention for Miss Bingley’s sake, mostly to prevent unnecessary conversation, the truth was wildly different. His soul leapt at the opportunity to be with her again, to study her features, her expressions. In a ballroom, eye contact was accepted if not expected. He could stare at his partner and at the dancers in general, as much as he liked without raising an inquisitive eyebrow. Had he only taken the opportunity at the Meryton Assembly, tonight’s event might not feel like air to a drowning man. But he did not know then what he knew now: his muse had taken the form of that particular young woman. Tonight, he would not waste the opportunity.

  By the time he made it downstairs, guests had already begun to arrive. Since he was not part of the family, he could avoid the greeting line and discreetly watch arrivals. Each one told a story; each figure painted a tale in his mind. Though none were as interesting as Miss Elizabeth, he strove to capture each one for future reference.

  Sir William Lucas trundled in, his wife in tow. His suit was new, his wife’s dress not—the sort of thing a woman wore when all her resources were being utilized on daughters on the marriage mart. That he wore a new garment spoke something of his character—and it was hardly complimentary. Still though, the way people greeted him suggested he was well thought of in his local company. He did not appear at ease, though, clearly bewildered as to how exactly to behave in a place where his knighthood was eclipsed by substantial wealth.

  A family called Goulding arrived with several young people, all eager to show off their accomplishments to a crowd that might include better company than they were accustomed to. The eager, wistful light in the girls’ eyes was worth capturing in a sketch later … as long as that look did n
ot get turned on him. Perhaps he ought to avoid close observation of that family lest he seem to invite their attention.

  Someone said the name Bennet, and his focus was immediately fixed on the entry. Yes, there she was. In white muslin, of course, for her family could not have afforded silk. Her figure would be astonishing draped in white silk. Perhaps it was best it was not. The gauzy white muslin was quite enough to negate the possibility of tearing his eyes away from her.

  She glanced in his direction. While his heart pinched at her look of annoyance, his artist’s eye seized upon the exquisite turn of her lips, the spark in her eyes, the angle at which she held her head. Oh, to be able to commit her image to paper just now. He stared harder and longer to make sure he would never forget.

  Impatience demanded he ask her for the first two dances. But, unfortunately, discretion won the day. To ask so soon would suggest something that might be all too true, something he did not dare admit to, much less allow. No, he would dance with her, but not at the start. Besides, it seemed she was already claimed for those sets by Mr. Collins.

  That man was an enigma to be sure. He was tall and well-made. Dressed appropriately to his station, not unpleasant to look at. That he was a vicar suggested he had some learning and might have some sense about him. Most university men were set apart that way.

  But the impression did not survive this first encounter. One might easily surmise that his time at university had been ill-spent, learning only how to cater to those above him in hopes of acquiring a position. The kind of boot-licking sort of man who turned his stomach and made Darcy look for the nearest exit.

  In some sense, the tendency might have served Collins well as it did secure Aunt Catherine’s favor and the living she had to bestow. But outside of having obtained that living, there was little—or perhaps nothing—to be said in favor of the man and a great deal to be held against him.

  The first item on that particular list of complaints was that the man could not dance. Fumble-footed did not begin to describe the ordeal poor Miss Elizabeth endured. Darcy would have felt her sufferance of Mr. Collins’ ineptitude far more had it not afforded him a far greater range of expressions to admire than he had ever seen in her before. The look of determined self-control chiseled on her face was worth the whole uncomfortable episode. She might never agree, but sadly he probably would never have the opportunity to learn if she would if the matter were explained. Her expression of ecstasy at her release from Collins was awe-inspiring as well but deeply uncomfortable.

  Would that he experienced such an expression offered toward himself.

  No, such thoughts were not at all helpful! Worse yet, they made watching her next dances with some nameless Meryton native exceedingly uneasy, even a mite wistful.

  Thankfully, she did not dance the set after but stood off to the side, speaking with her friend—Miss Lucas, was it? What confidences did she share with her friend? There was something in her stance that suggested her words were deeply felt.

  Enough lingering and watching. He must go forth and take action now, lest the opportunity be utterly lost.

  He tugged his jacket straight and strode toward Miss Elizabeth, guests parting in a wave before him.

  Perhaps he had been abrupt; he spoke to her only long enough to obtain her hand for the next set, then walked away. He might have stayed; he should have stayed. He would have stayed had he felt any less. But in this moment of heady success, he did not dare reveal too much.

  At the start of the next set, he sought her hand, his muse rendering him all but mute. To speak would distract from the minute observations which might be made in what could be a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity. He led her to the dance floor, enjoying the exquisite grace of her movements from the corner of his eye. She took her place across from him and waited rather expectantly.

  What did she want?

  “It is your turn to say something now, Mr. Darcy.” Oh, the look of anticipation on her face! “I talked about the dance, and you ought to make some kind of remark on the size of the room, or the number of couples.”

  Of course, it was appropriate to make small talk at such a time as this. But what to say? On the canvas, he could communicate anything he desired, but words, particularly the spoken ones, were well beyond his skills. He swallowed hard. “Whatever you wish me to say should indeed be said.”

  “Very well. That reply will do for the present. Perhaps, by and by, I may observe that private balls are much pleasanter than public ones. But for now, we may be silent.” She turned her face aside toward the other dancers.

  She did not mean to ignore him, did she? Such punishment for merely being tongue-tied? No, absolutely not, it would not do. “Do you talk by rule, then, while you are dancing?”

  “Sometimes. One must speak a little, you know. It would look odd to be entirely silent for half an hour together. Yet for the advantage of some, conversation ought to be so arranged that they may have the trouble of saying as little as possible.” Her eyebrow arched just so—was she teasing him?

  “Are you consulting your own feelings in the present case, or do you imagine that you are gratifying mine?” Blast and botheration, that sounded far sharper than he intended.

  “Both, for I have always seen a great similarity in the turn of our minds. We are each of an unsocial, taciturn disposition, unwilling to speak unless we expect to say something that will amaze the whole room, and be handed down to posterity with all the éclat of a proverb.”

  “This is no very striking resemblance of your own character, I am sure. How near it may be to mine, I cannot pretend to say. You think it a faithful portrait undoubtedly.” Did she really think those things of him, or was she teasing as he had seen her do often enough? Why did she demand of him a skill he would never possess?

  Suddenly, it was their turn to join the dance, and all opportunity to speak ceased. How gracefully she moved—with effortless vitality. To be entirely fair, she was hardly the best partner he had ever enjoyed, but there was something so fresh and lively in her steps, befitting the nymph of his paintings.

  Finally, they reached the end of the line to wait out their turn. “Do you and your sisters often walk to Meryton?” That should be suitable conversation.

  “Yes, we do. When you met us there the other day, we had just been forming a new acquaintance.” Her brows arched as if to say far more than she spoke.

  Yes, that day he had been to see Meryton’s colorman. Whom had she been with—Wickham! His gut knotted, and all warmth drained from his face. If only she knew of the very great harm Wickham had done the Darcy family. But could such an innocent spirit as hers actually understand that level of intentional wickedness? How was he to make a response—one that her eyes clearly demanded? “Mr. Wickham is blessed with such happy manners as may ensure his making friends; whether he may be equally capable of retaining them is less certain.”

  “He has been so unlucky as to lose your friendship, and in a manner which he is likely to suffer from all his life.” Her countenance declared she believed what she said.

  She was so innocent and so easily and completely deceived. He clenched his jaw; best not to speak when all his words dripped venom.

  Sir William Lucas suddenly appeared from the crowd. “I have been most highly gratified indeed, my dear sir. Such very superior dancing is not often seen. It is evident that you belong to the first circles. Allow me to say, however, that your fair partner does not disgrace you, and that I must hope to have this pleasure often repeated, especially when a certain desirable event, my dear Miss Eliza,” he glanced at Miss Bennet and Bingley, “shall take place. What congratulations will then flow in! But let me not interrupt you, sir. You will not thank me for detaining you from the bewitching converse of that young lady whose bright eyes are also upbraiding me.”

  He was right. Miss Elizabeth looked utterly and entirely mortified. Not that she was without good reason; Sir William was crass—it seemed a common trait in this town. Even so, it pained him to see her
so discomfited.

  He glanced at the dance floor. Bingley was utterly entranced with his partner, and Miss Bennet seemed to bear it well. She was a beauty, to be sure, but far less interesting than her sister—whom he had now been ignoring whilst he stared at his friend. “Sir William's interruption has made me forget what we were talking of.”

  “I do not think we were speaking at all. Sir William could not have interrupted any two people in the room who had less to say for themselves. We have tried two or three subjects already without success, and what we are to talk of next I cannot imagine.” Her eyes glinted with the absurdity she suggested.

  “What think you of books?” Surely, she could not fault that question.

  “Books? Oh no! I am sure we never read the same, or not with the same feelings.”

  “I am sorry you think so; but if that be the case, there can at least be no want of subject. We may compare our different opinions.”

  “No.” Her laugh was truly musical. “I cannot talk of books in a ballroom; my head is always full of something else.”

  “The present always occupies you in such scenes, does it?” Might she be about to reveal something telling about her deepest self?

  “Yes, always.” She looked away, clearly lost in other musings. She turned back to him abruptly, eyes just a mite narrowed. “I remember hearing you once say that you hardly ever forgave, that your resentment once created was unappeasable. You are very cautious, I suppose, as to its being created.”

  She would remember that conversation just now. “I am.”

  “And never allow yourself to be blinded by prejudice?”

  “I hope not.” He swallowed hard against his suddenly too-tight cravat.

  “It is particularly incumbent on those who never change their opinion to be secure of judging properly at first.” She met his gaze with an intense one of her own.

  “May I ask to what these questions tend?”