Junk Miles

by Liz Reinhardt

  Our eyes hooked, and I tucked the moment of closeness next to my heart even though it scorched me like a hot coal.

  “It’s fine, Jake. I was going to see if I could get a ride back with whoever brought Kelsie. You know, since we live right around the corner from each other.” I wanted to go with him so badly, I knew it was a stupid idea that would only shake an excruciating dash of salt on a wide open wound.

  “She’s waiting for the band to finish. You look kind of tired. Let me take you.” His voice was reasonable, adult. The same voice he’d used with Nikki, but without the disappointment and blame.

  “Um, okay.” I ignored the warm anticipation that gurgled through me at the thought of Jake and me in his truck alone together. I tried to remind myself that we were completely broken up, and he had a girlfriend he cared about. I tried to ignore the flash of his watch, and I begged my heart to slow its pounding beat when I saw that it was still set on Paris time. For me.

  I wanted to take his hand, but it was a tremendously stupid idea. Plus that, his hands were tucked into the pockets of his jacket. I found Kelsie and said goodbye, pointedly ignoring her wildly raised eyebrows as she glanced at Jake.

  We walked to his truck silently, and he opened the door for me, pausing longer than he needed when he went to shut it. He got behind the wheel and pulled out. Minutes ticked by and I couldn’t think of anything to say. I had this twisting, aching feeling that I was wasting a chance, a miracle opportunity.

  And then I thought of Saxon. And how he was surprised that I was okay with him and the soccer stalkers. How he was disappointed that I was okay with it all.

  I thought of how he told me to wait, making me think he’d be right back.

  But he decided not to come back for me. He got Jake instead.

  Just like he promised in Paris. He paired us back up.

  But it was all wishful thinking. Way too much had happened, and there was no hope for us. Well, no hope for us as a couple. But I decided that if I had made my weird version of peace with Saxon, I could do it with Jake, too.

  “I’m so sorry about Nikki tonight.” Jake spoke just a second before I had gotten enough bravery together to tell him that I wanted to mend our tattered relationship back to the friend level at least. “She was out of line, and she shouldn’t have gotten her friends to gang up on you. She’s paranoid that we’re still, you know, into each other.” He adjusted his baseball cap with one hand, pulling it low over his eyes.

  I tried to laugh it off, like that was the craziest thing I’d ever heard, even though I was looking at the watch that Nikki was smart enough to notice. “That’s crazy! I mean, you know, we haven’t even talked. In a while.” I meant it to sound like a fact to support our good behavior, but I couldn’t keep the regret out of my voice.

  “I told her that. She sees what she wants.” He cleared his throat. “Anyway, she didn’t hurt you or anything, right?”

  “No.” I felt a little prick to my pride. “I could have defended myself, Jake. It’s just…I heard her in the girls’ bathroom earlier today, and I know she cares about you. I mean, she was talking about you and me, and she was kind of upset. I could tell she wasn’t, um, herself tonight.”

  “As long as you’re okay.” Jake’s voice was low and rough. “So, other than all the craziness tonight, have you been okay?”

  “I’ve been great.” I nodded as if that was the honest truth, and I hadn’t spent the last few weeks feeling like my heart was broken in my chest. “And you’ve been good?” My voice came out in a high, trembling squeak.

  He cleared his throat again. “I’ve been alright. A lot of work, you know?”

  “How is work?” I clung to anything that would keep us talking.

  “Lots of hours. All the college kids went back to school when winter break ended, so I got a full schedule of time again.”

  I wondered if he was staying warm enough. I wondered how he was sleeping. How he was eating. I wondered why I was wondering all of this, considering he wasn’t my boyfriend anymore.

  “I think you…” I began.

  “I’ve missed…” Jake said at the same time.

  “Wait, what were you…” I asked.

  “What did you say?” he asked.

  We both stopped talking, and he opened and closed his hands on the steering wheel. “Bren, say what you were going to say. Please.”

  “I think you work too much,” I said, my voice soft and quiet because I knew I had no business butting into his life anymore. My hands were sweaty in my lap. “Not that it’s any of my business. What were you going to say?”

  He stared straight ahead, fiddled with the heat vents and finally said, “I wanted to say that I’ve missed…you.”

  My ears burned, my eyes bulged, and I couldn’t swallow suddenly. My heart skipped two beats, my skin was on fire, my throat closed up. He missed me? Jake Kelly missed me! I had screwed everything up completely and thoroughly, he had a new girlfriend, I’d dated Saxon, and he still missed me.

  “Aren’t you pissed at me?” I gulped while I waited for his answer.

  He gave a quiet laugh. “Yeah. Of course. I’ve never, ever been so mad at anyone in my life, Bren. But I can’t help missing you. I’ve never had anyone in my life like you. I’ve been trying to tell you for the last few days…”

  I strained in my seat, the belt cutting tight against the side of my neck, against my attempt to push closer and hear him say what I wanted so badly to hear.

  “…that I want to be friends. Not just in that cheesy way people say it when they don’t mean it. I want to talk to you sometimes. I don’t want to spend every day in class avoiding each other.” He looked over at me and offered a small smile. “Okay?”

  It was so much more than I deserved, but I still felt deflated. “Of course. I was hoping we could be, um, friends again.” I leaned back into the hard springs of the seat. “What about Nikki?”

  “Nik will be cool.” Jake spoke with total certainty.

  I would have been perfectly content to have this stilted, awkward conversation last the whole night, but we were pulling into my driveway. Jake cut the engine, and I sat for a long second.

  “Thank you. For the ride. I was so tired, but I didn’t think Saxon was ready to leave. It’s just been kind of a long day, and it’s so nice to finally be home.” I clamped my mouth shut to stop the blabber that bumped stupidly out of my mouth.

  “You’re welcome. Anytime. And I mean that.”

  The air in the cab of the truck was cold and metal heavy. I put my hand on the door handle, but Jake had already gotten out and was headed to my side of the truck. My heart jack-hammered in my chest. I watched him through the streaked, mud-splattered glass of the front windshield, and with every step he took closer to me, my body felt more like it was about to seize with nerves.

  By the time he opened the door, I wasn’t positive I could trust my shaky legs, but I managed to step out, so close I could smell the green mint on his breath, see the prickly stubble on his jaw my fingers itched to touch and the flicker of his pulse beating in his neck. It looked fast. Maybe as fast as mine? Everything in that second was happening too quickly for me to be sure of anything.

  For one split second, it felt like we were right back in my driveway on Christmas, back when I hadn’t spoiled the magic, back when things were easy and the pull of his love was so strong, I could sleep with it wrapped tight around me, snug as a blanket all night.

  He reached for me, and for one second I swear the stars swirled in the sky and the moon glowed brighter. He crushed me to him, and I knew that I hadn’t imagined his heartbeat was wild, because I could feel it pounding through his chest and setting mine to its exact rhythm. I dug my fingers into the stiff fabric of the back of his jacket and closed my eyes as tight as I always did just before I blew out the candles on my birthday cake every year. I wish, I wish, I wish…

  But it didn’t come true.

  Jake’s arms snapped away from me and he nodded one short, brisk
nod. “Better get inside. It’s freezing out here.”

  He got into the truck and slammed the door shut so hard the whole thing rocked a little.

  I shivered in the driveway for two shuddery breaths before I sprinted into the house, closing the door with a quiet click just before the first of a thousand regretful tears poured out in a silent stream. The last thing I heard before I went to wash my face and wish my parents a good night was the sound of Jake’s truck pulling slowly out of the driveway and away from me.

  Chapter Sixteen

  The weekend went by in a blur. Mom had a ton to do at school, and I had a few projects of my own. I kept staring at my phone, willing it to ring, but it never did. I spent a lot of time turning the thermostat up, adding layers to my flannel pajamas, and making cocoa so hot it burned my tongue and left the tip all raised and bumpy. I didn’t know if it was my general lack of sleep, the sudden cold snap that frosted all the windows, or the empty, gut-wrenching cramp in the pit of my stomach every time I thought of my ride home with Jake and all that was still so wrong between the two of us, but I couldn’t get warm.

  Monday morning, I woke up after sleeping like the dead for twelve straight hours and anticipated feeling a little better, but my head felt stuffy and I couldn’t focus. Saxon tried to talk to me on the ride into school and kept asking if I felt okay. I told him I was just tired. I couldn’t remember what the teachers said. Every muscle in my body ached.

  Saxon looked over at me during class with a worried expression and revived his threat about carrying me to the nurse, but I convinced him I was just a little tired. I could barely run at track. Coach made me sit out again. I was coughing a little, and there was a pain in my chest. I wanted to cough it out, but it just wasn’t working. I never got sick, so I figured it was just stress and residual exhaustion from jetlag.

  Tuesday and Wednesday were pretty much the same. I just couldn’t produce many details about the days. My throat squeezed closed and my tongue expanded like a fat piece of sandpaper in my mouth. Saxon hung close by and tried to force me to go to the nurse, but I didn’t want to miss seeing Jake. Even if he was going to be wrapped around Nikki, I needed to see him. It was like a horrible addiction. He did manage to disentangle himself long enough to hold me by the arm and tell me I looked terrible. I remember his face looked swimmy, but so handsome it made my eyeballs ache. I think I told him that I was fine, not to worry, but I couldn’t be sure.

  By the time I got home that night, Mom was there, fussing and worrying over me. I could hardly keep my eyes open to talk to her. I felt like I wanted to throw up, but I couldn’t remember when I had last eaten. I heaved a little, drank some cold water from the bathroom sink and went to bed. A hacking cough kept me up for a lot of the night, but in and out of consciousness, I dreamed and it was confusing and boy-filled.

  When I woke up the next day, my room was too bright. I squinted against the light and felt the stress of being late. But this was really late! I jumped up and stared at the clock. It was after ten! I felt shaky on my feet, and a little nauseous.

  I ran to the bathroom, and heard Mom call to me from the kitchen. I skidded out and looked at her, blinking the sleep out of my eyes.

  “Your alarm went off for fifteen minutes, Bren. You didn’t even open your eyes.” She frowned.

  “I never sleep through my alarm.” My speech slurred with sleepiness.

  “I know.” Mom pursed her lips. “I think we should go see Dr. Hrabachuck.”

  “No,” I said woozily. “I feel fine.”

  “You don’t look fine, Brenna. Saxon and Jake both called me. You haven’t been yourself in school. You look worn out. Maybe it’s just exhaustion, but I’d like to have it checked out.” She frowned at me. “Go back to bed, sweetheart. I’m calling to make an appointment.”

  Saxon called? Jake called? I felt a swell of happiness through my aching weariness. I wanted to argue with Mom, go to school and see what I was addicted to seeing, but I went back to my room and crashed, suddenly overwhelmed by the full weight of my tired body. Mom came in a while later and put her hand on my head, then murmured something. I heard her call Thorsten outside my bedroom door.

  Then Fa was there, carrying me out to the car and buckling me into the seat. I remember being at Dr. Hrabachuck’s office. I remember his bushy moustache and his white teeth when he smiled. Later, Mom told me I fainted. She told me while she was crying and holding my hand, which I patted while I told her it would be okay.

  It wound up that I had pneumonia. It had probably started as the flu, but I never got it checked out and it spread into my lungs. Mom blamed herself. She had been busy organizing things for spring semester classes, and she hadn’t been home to see me, so she never realized how crappy I was feeling. For my mom to miss something like a major illness was pretty weird, but we hadn’t been spending as much time together lately.

  Dr. Hrabachuck put me on strict bed rest, lots of fluids, antibiotics and pain killers. I spent a lot of time coughing and even more time sleeping. I was mostly bored and tired. Mom had given instructions to the few people she thought might call not to. She told them I needed my rest. I knew this because Kelsie sent me a message on Facebook, which became my only window to the outside world after four abysmal days in bed.

  Hey Bren!

  How are you? Your mom told me that I’m not allowed to call, but I’ve been freaking out. Pneumonia! You really do it up when you get sick! Saxon has been really worried. It’s kind of weird, but also really cute. Maybe he’s not such a jerkoff after all. He’s been picking up your homework for you. I think your mother is going to let him drop it off Sunday afternoon if you’re feeling better. There’s a few celeb magazines in there from me and a really good romance novel; I thought you needed something interesting and not by some dead Russian to read. Call me when your mom lets you! Miss you! Hugs and kisses,

  Kelsie

  Today was Sunday. I was feeling much better, but also kind of gross and skanky. I got out of bed and my legs actually wobbled under me. I made my way to the shower and turned it on. Mom was at the bathroom door in a minute.

  “What are you doing?” she cried.

  “I can smell myself, Mom.” I put a hand on the wall to steady myself. “I’m just going to take a shower.”

  She looked worried. “Are you sure you feel strong enough?” Her blue-gray eyes were nervous.

  “I feel great, Mom. I mean, I’m a little weak, but mostly good.” And I did honestly feel good, finally. My head was clear, and I had stopped trying to hack my lungs out of my chest.

  “Okay.” She looked worried. “I’ll be right down the hall, and I’ll have my ear out for you if you need, sweetie.”

  She left, and I stripped down, then stepped into the good hot water. I hopped back out after a second to grab a toothbrush. My body felt weirdly weak, and my stomach was caved in. As soon as I smelled the mint of the toothpaste, my stomach started to rumble. I was hungry! That had to be a good sign.

  I put on a comfy pair of yoga pants and a long sleeved t-shirt. I combed my hair back and put on some lip-gloss. Then I took a look in the mirror. I looked like a pale, hollow-cheeked version of myself with dark circles under my eyes and pale lips, shiny from my raspberry lip-gloss.

  I ventured out to the kitchen and was greeted by Thorsten’s bear hug. “Brenna! It’s so good to see you up!”

  “Fa,” I squeaked, my voice crushed by his arms. “I’m glad to be up too.”

  “You look hungry. Come have an apple tart with me.” He pointed to the distinct box.

  “Zinga’s?” I tried to keep my voice casual.

  “Jake brought them over on Friday.” Thorsten grinned. “I think he was trying to sneak in to see you. But you know Mom. She told him that you weren’t having any visitors. Then she gave him the ‘laser eyes.’”

  I groaned. “No she didn’t.” That was what Thorsten and I called Mom’s angry stare, the one that cowed rowdy students and made grown men shake in their boots.

&nb
sp; He chuckled. “You know she did. It’s okay, Brenna. He’s a big boy. He can deal with it. Do you want some tea?”

  “That would be nice, Fa.” I sat down to eat my tart and wound up wolfing it down so fast I nearly choked. So, Jake had come to see me. I wondered if he mentioned the visit to Nikki.

  Just then the doorbell rang. Thorsten looked up, surprised, but it was Mom who shot past like a bullet and answered it.

  “Thank you, Saxon.” I could see her reach for something through the four inches she’d opened the door before she tried to slam it in his face. “She’s not up for visiting yet.”

  “Mom!” I called in a panic. I couldn’t imagine the entire day lying in bed alone again. I was starved for conversation, a friendly face. I couldn’t stand that Saxon was on the other side of the door, and I might not see him. “I’m up. Please, can he come in? I feel really good!”

  Mom peeked at me from her post by the front door and pursed her lips uncertainly.

  “Please?” I begged. “I’ll get back in bed. I won’t exert myself. Please?”

  “Alright,” Mom said, but she didn’t look happy. Saxon followed her in, a pile of books in his hands. I couldn’t remember ever seeing him carry even one book. He looked like a wild animal that someone let in the house because it promised it would be on its best behavior.

  “Maybe I could make Brenna a tray of food so she can eat while she relaxes,” Saxon offered, his face angelic.

  Mom clucked her tongue appreciatively and walked me to bed, calling orders over her shoulder to Thorsten. She got my pillows arranged so I could sit up and smoothed my covers. I asked if she would open my curtains and crack the window, and she did that, too.

  “Tell Saxon to close the window if you get too cold,” she fussed. “And he can’t stay long, honey. You’re supposed to be resting.”

  “I know, Mom. But I feel really good. I promise.”

  “Yeah, well you thought you felt good enough to go to school this week and you were practically dying of pneumonia.” Mom crossed her arms. “I don’t know if I can trust you to make your own decisions anymore.”