My Two Husbands

by Yari Martinez

  “Don’t speak of God. He isn’t here.” God is protecting her. Yeah right. How ironic that he could not protect her here on earth but suddenly protecting her spirit. Sounds like total bullshit to me.

  I know Nicolas wants to find the words to help me believe. I don’t know if he realizes there are no words or if it’s best not to destroy whatever he thinks we still have, but he gets up from the chair.

  “Diane is downstairs. I’ll get her for you. You need her,” he says.

  “I do.”

  He turns around and walks toward the door. “I’ll be right back.” he says without looking back.

  I lie on my side, trying to focus on getting better, but the day catches up with me and I don’t realize when I fall asleep.

  “Mommy, can you see me?” asks Kaylee as she approaches with a big purple ball in her hands.

  I open my arms for her, and she falls easily into her own little nook. “Of course I see you. I’m sorry honey for what dad did,” I say, crying as I look into her eyes.

  “It’s okay mommy. Don’t be mad at daddy,” she says.

  “I can’t help it baby. He took you away from me.”

  “I’m still here mom.”

  I don’t think she is aware that we can’t be together if she is dead and I’m alive. “I want to stay here with you always,” I say, sounding like a child desperate to stay with her mother.

  Kaylee smiles at me with but happiness in her eyes. “You can’t stay here with me. You have to go back home because God doesn’t need you yet.”

  She is six! What does she know about being needed by God?

  “Why did he need you, baby?” I ask.

  “Because I have friends here silly. Their mommy can’t visit them. We play together and have fun. God said one day we will all be a family here, and then we’ll always be together.”

  I look around, and to my amazement there are many beautiful children that I didn’t notice before, playing as if nothing is wrong. “You’re right honey, you do have many friends here. But I miss you so much, my princess.”

  “I know mommy. But you have to go home. I’m okay here with my friends. God also told me when my little sister Elizabeth Rose is born, I can go visit her when she is tiny and play with her. He told me she’s going to always smile at me and I can always watch over her.”

  “Your sister Elizabeth Rose?” I ask, confused.

  “Mommy, my sister is in your belly,” Kaylee reaches towards my stomach, and her touch is like a perfect summer day.

  I look down at my stomach and see a bright light. Kaylee is smiling at me, and I realize she no longer belongs to our world.

  She wraps her small arms around my neck, “I love you mommy. I’m going to miss you. I’ll always send you kisses with the wind. God told me I can visit you through butterflies. I told him the white ones are my favorite, so he said I can visit you as a white butterfly.”

  “He did?”

  “Stop crying mommy. I’ll be waiting here for you.”

  She releases me from her hug, “Bye mommy.”

  I get up and stand still, but I feel myself being taken back to my life. I don’t want to leave, just to see Kaylee a little longer.

  “Mommy, Elizabeth Rose doesn’t like carrots,” she yells towards me like a protective sister.

  “I won’t forget. I love you Kaylee,” I say as loud as I can, hoping she hears me despite the distance between us.

  She waves at me, her beautiful smile glowing, “I love you mommy.”

  “Brook, wake up honey,” I hear a faint voice saying, and I immediately focus on it, hoping to see Kaylee again. But once my eyes open, I see Diane. I wrap my arms around her.

  “She came to me in a dream,” I whisper into her ear, tears running down my cheeks. “She looked perfect. Diane, she knew she was gone.”

  Diane wraps her arms around me and weeps with me. I can feel her pain, and it brings me some comfort to know Kaylee is loved and her memory will always be alive with us.

  “I would give my life to return her to you. I’m so sorry,” she says.

  I know that she would, but no matter how Diane feels, she can never bring Kaylee back from the dead.

  I think back to the beginning of my relationship with Hunter, to the start of our lives together. I can’t figure out when it was that I lost him. When did I turn him into the man who beats women and kills children?

  A doctor walks in, and we all turn our attention to her. “Mrs. Brady,” she says gently, “while you were asleep, we were able to watch your contractions, and they’ve subsided. You’re under a lot of stress, but as long as you stay out of the danger zone, you can go home in a couple of days. Also, I took the liberty of getting a social worker from our hospital to help you through this difficult time. I hope you don’t mind. I know as a mother you will never recover from your loss, but I think it’s nice to have someone to talk to who understands.”

  I manage a small smile to let her know I appreciate her gesture. It was nice of her to go out of her way to get me someone to help me through all of this, but I don’t want to say thank you. I can’t participate in a world that has already accepted that Kaylee is no longer with us.

  “Do you think I can go see my daughter before you release me? I really don’t want to go another minute without see her,” I say.

  “As a matter of fact, Nurse Adeline, who’s helping me treat you, has already set it up for you. I didn’t let her wake you because your contractions calmed down as you slept, and we really need to keep your baby in the oven as long as possible. She’ll be coming in with a wheelchair shortly to take you down. I know the I.V.’s and the monitor tracking your contractions will be a bit uncomfortable, but it’s the only way I can let you go.”

  I nod, grateful for this last chance to see her.

  Downstairs, Nicolas is sitting while Julie stands by a vending machine, waiting for us like a lost soul. I know she feels she is to blame, but hard as it is, I won’t blame anyone ever again for my condition, which both Hunter and I have created.

  Julie walks up to me and bends down to hug me. “I love you,” she says.

  “I love you too,” I say, relieved she doesn’t apologize.

  Kaylee’s death doesn’t feel real to me until the cold air of the room in which she has been kept hits me.

  The nurse rolls me to Kaylee’s bed. I forget to be brave, and I give my tears free reign.

  “If you need me, I’ll be right here,” she says, giving me a little space.

  “I want to stand up. Please help me,” I say. Nicolas is immediately by my side, helping me up.

  Kaylee doesn’t look like herself anymore. Her cheeks no longer hold the pink shade that brightened a room when she laughed, her pearly white skin is now gray, her baby scent that I held on to when she was away from me has faded. But her curls remain, and I run my fingers over them, hoping I can remember this sensation for the rest of my life.

  No matter how badly I want to, I can’t retain anything of her being, and a cry of pain escapes me.

  “Why did he do this to us?” I weep, embracing Kaylee.

  How can I live without her? I’m her mother—I’m not supposed to bury my baby.

  No one answers me, but then we will never know what possessed him to kill our daughter.

  I know if Hunter were here, he would have his own pathetic reason for his actions and they would never hold any weight for me. He was a coward alive, and he remains a coward in death. He took her away from both of us. Even though he is dead, I hope he never gets to see her again.

  “Mrs. Brady,” calls Nurse Adeline, looking worriedly at the monitor, “we have to go now. Your blood pressure is rising. We can’t risk you going into labor again.”

  “Okay, just let me kiss her goodbye, please.”

  I gather my composure, not wanting her spirit to see me sad and hurt. I bend down towards her little ear and whisper, “Goodbye my sweet angel. One day, we will be together again. You can tell me all the fun you’re having. Reme
mber you are forever mine and I am forever yours.”

  Chapter 27

  I wouldn’t say love is the reason we come to counseling or the reason I keep showing up. Every time I come here and spill my guts, it’s worse than the last time, but Nicolas seems to think it benefits our family. I don’t see how. Kaylee is still dead.

  Come to think of it, I don’t think I would have done for him all he has done for Elizabeth and me. I have no idea why he sticks around, despite my indifference.

  Time hasn’t cured anything. Since Kaylee’s death, I wake up thinking about her and close my eyes thinking about her. I try to allow time to take it course without bitterness, but my days are difficult, regardless of the few smiles that visit me.

  “Mr. and Mrs. Brady! How are you today?” asks Dr. Yates, embracing us before showing us into her office.

  “We’re hanging in there, Doc,” says Nicolas, happy to see her.

  I don’t talk much at home about my feelings, so when we attend these therapy sessions, Nicolas is upbeat, ready to hear it all. I return the hug because it’s expected of me, but if I could, I would run out of this office faster than lightning.

  “You look beautiful Brook,” says Dr. Yates. “No one would ever imagine you just had a baby. I’m envious. I’ve have held on to my baby weight for five years already.”

  “I guess it’s not baby weight anymore.” Why did I say that?

  Dr. Yates pauses for a moment, and instead of appearing angry, she gives me the I-feel-sorry-for-Brook face. “Well you’re right about that, but that’s my story and I’m sticking to it,” she replies, laughing and rubbing her almost nonexistent belly.

  The woman looks great but insists on always talking about being big. Maybe she should see a therapist for her issues, but what do I know?

  She turns around, and we follow her into her office. I must admit her office is relaxing and smells nice. This is by far my favorite part of the visits. She gestures us to take a seat.

  “So how is Elizabeth Rose doing?” she asks.

  Nicolas brightens up like a Christmas tree, “She’s more beautiful than the last time you saw her. It’s an adjustment having a baby in the house, but she’s full of life and has me wrapped around her small finger.”

  Anger takes over me. I turn to Nicolas, but he looks away. I hate the phrase “full of life,” but I say nothing. I take a deep breath and look away.

  Dr. Yates notices my face and immediately drops the questions about Elizabeth Rose.

  I love Elizabeth, but she doesn’t replace my Kaylee. She is a princess, but she is not my princess. When she was born, I was not surprised she was a girl as Kaylee revealed to me in the dream. We decided to name her as Kaylee said: Elizabeth Rose.

  I can count on one hand the happiest moments of my life since Kaylee, and Elizabeth is definitely a part of them. I feel disturbed all the time, and it’s horrible that Nicolas has to deal with me like this, but he is the one who has chosen to stay. I don’t mind feeling dead inside, but when I notice it hurts Nicolas, the only person who really takes care of Elizabeth, I attempt to snap out of it. Elizabeth needs him. I move closer to Nicolas and take his hand, “I’m sorry,” I say quietly.

  “I know you hate when I say ‘full of life.’ It’s my fault,” he murmurs, leaning over and kissing me.

  I have no idea how he has the patience to deal with me. Honestly, I would have divorced myself the day I married me.

  Holding hands, we sit quietly waiting for Dr. Yates to start us off again. There is no point in us trying to talk. We always revert to disagreeing and me being fake.

  “Nicolas called me and told me you recently found out where Hunter was buried,” begins the doctor. “How do you feel about that?”

  He really does take this therapy seriously. Does he really have to tell her everything? I lightly squeeze Nicolas’ hand, afraid to answer. I haven’t spoken of Hunter since he took away Kaylee from me. “His mother called and apologized. She wanted to make sure I wasn’t holding on to any hatred. She thinks I should visit his grave and find a way to forgive. Anyway, I didn’t have anything to say to her. I listened because you say I should, and before she hung up, she gave me the address of where is he buried. And how do I feel about that? I don’t,” I say, anticipating her next question.

  I release Nicolas’ hand, now feeling betrayed that he shared something so sensitive with Dr. Yates without consulting me.

  “You must feel something I’m sure,” she tells me, as if she knows what I am feeling.

  I look up at her, or rather through her, and repeat, “No, I feel nothing.” What can I possibly feel? He’s dead. He no longer exists. There is no point in feeling anything when it will improve nothing. “Before you ask, no I will not be visiting his grave,” I say, watching her to make sure her expression does not imply I should.

  She turns to Nicolas, “What do you think about it?”

  Nicolas looks up at her, flustered, and I can see the shock on his face at the question. “I don’t know what to think about it! I didn’t think I should have an opinion on the matter. I’ll be supportive of her decision,” he says like a true politician.

  I honestly don’t see any reason to visit Hunter’s grave or to have any communication with his family. They didn’t get involved when I lost custody during the first rodeo. While I buried my daughter, they buried that monster instead of leaving him to rot. They didn’t bother to show up at Kaylee’s funeral.

  The therapy session goes on for longer than I care for, but by the time I get out of the office, I am not in the best of moods. I’m a step and skip away from being done with this joke of a marriage. I stop dead in my tracks before getting into the car. “Why the hell did you tell her about the grave site before speaking to me?”

  “Because you don’t want to talk about anything with me,” he calmly replies.

  “Nicolas, what the hell are you talking about? I told you immediately after finding out!” I say, almost screaming.

  “Yes you told me, but that’s all you told me. I have tried talking to you, but you never have anything to say. Everything is not as black and white as you make it seem. People have feelings. Enough already with pretending none of this affects you. You are allowed to hurt. It’s nothing less than traumatic that you lost Kaylee. But you don’t have to be brave about everything,” he says, staring at me.

  “We’re done with this therapy crap, do you hear me? Done!” I shout, not giving a damn if this destroys our marriage. I can’t take talking about all my damn feelings and every damn thought that crosses my mind or every situation that triggers an emotion.

  He gets into the car and turns to me. I do my best to ignore him, but it’s obviously impossible.

  “We don’t have to attend therapy any more if you don’t want to, but we will continue talking. We’re in this together, and acting as if I’m not going through this with you is unfair. And you know it,” he says.

  “I lost my daughter! You barely knew her! I’m going through this, there’s no ‘we’ here,” I shout.

  His face turns red, and I’m pleased he doesn’t look under control anymore. “Don’t you dare,” he says sternly. “I understand she was your daughter, but everyone loves her and everyone lost her. Even though I barely knew her, I lost her too and I’m here dealing with her death as you are, you understand. Think before you talk. We’ll continue going to the parent grief support group whether you like it or not. And if you think for one moment that us not going to therapy signifies we’re done here, you’re highly mistaken. You’ve managed a way to push everyone away, but you won’t push me away, and you sure as hell will not bring your negative attitude into our house and affect Elizabeth. You have two daughters, and I will not allow you to make Elizabeth or me pay the price for Kaylee’s passing.”

  I don’t care what he thinks. We’ll see who has the last word about attending the parent grief support group. I don’t need to say out loud that I am hurt because I lost my daughter. I’m not in denial. I know I lost
my daughter and there’s nothing I can do about it. I don’t get the point of those damn meetings, and I will not be attending them anymore. Nicolas is mistaken if he thinks that because I love him and Elizabeth, he can force my attendance at support group.

  My intentions have never been to hurt anyone with how I feel about my loss, but everyone thinks I should get over it overnight. They don’t understand I am not ready to let go of how I feel. No one realizes that when I feel anger or sadness, it brings me closer to Kaylee. I don’t want to lose even that memory of her.

  Nothing else is said on the ride home, which is fine by me. At home, my mother is sitting with Elizabeth in her arms. It saddens me to think I will never see Kaylee in my mother’s arms again. They were so close, and it tears me apart how my mother is acting strong for me, not being able to grieve her granddaughter because she now has another one who needs her love, simply because I am not as affectionate as I should be.

  I walk up to my mother and kiss her on the cheek. She smiles at me, placing her hand on my cheek as she kisses me, holding Elizabeth with the other hand. I then turn to Elizabeth. She is beautiful, and I wish I had it in me to love her more because she deserves it, but I simply can’t.

  I know I love her more than anything, but what if I lose her too one day? What would happen to me then? I can’t live through another such loss.

  I kiss Elizabeth and go to my room, where I don’t bother to remove any clothing and lie in the dark on my bed. I can hear the whispers between my mother and Nicolas regarding the therapy. I want to tell them to shut up and leave the house, but I can’t blame them for caring or summon the energy for such activity.

  “The session today was difficult. We talked about Hunter and where he’s buried,” whispers Nicolas.

  “My goodness! Why did you allow that? She’s not ready to deal with Hunter’s burial place. Not yet. She needs to focus on her daughters. There’s nothing wrong with her missing Kaylee. Let her miss her baby.” My mother is trying to keep it down, but she can’t control her high-pitched voice.