The Light Between The Shadows

by Tsukiko Spark

  But Ben wasn’t concerned with either the fever or any other mundane limitations now. He dwelled deeply inside his own infernal consciousness, and it was his turn to fight his demons. He moaned all night long as he kept fidgeting restlessly on his mattress.

  Heaven and earth reversed their roles. He was chasing after a demon made in his own image, trying to catch him and prove to both of them that he wasn’t afraid of him. But the creature was fast. Ben could vividly see how the fiend had gone in and out of situations throughout his life.

  He was at the restaurant with Fred. The demon whispered in Fred’s ear, “You’re a total idiot, pathetic!” Fred looked at Ben, angry and disappointed. Before Ben could explain that it wasn’t him who had said that, a strong wind carried him elsewhere.

  Tina was lying in bed with the demon, and it whispered in her ear, “La Belle Michelle is better than you.” Tina sat up, upset, and turned to look at Ben, who was standing next to them.

  “It’s him,” he said, pointing at the demon. But before he could tell whether Tina saw the fiend, he was transported somewhere else.

  Darkness. He was tied to a torture chair, blindfolded, a heart monitor fastened to his chest.

  “You see, Ben?” the demon whispered in his ear. “You can’t get away from me—I’m a part of you. Today it was Fred; maybe tomorrow we can surprise your father?”

  “No!” Ben whispered.

  The demon snapped his fingers—a gag appeared in Ben’s mouth. “Even if you run away to your big brother, I’ll join the ride.”

  Ben twitched in his chair.

  “Wherever you go, whomever you’re with, you cannot hide from me… I will lurk quietly in the shadows.” The demon pulled out an ancient samurai sword.

  Ben’s pulse began to rise.

  “You won’t even feel I’m there.” The demon brandished the sword as part of a martial arts exercise. Ben heard the precise, thin blade cut through the air. His heart raced uncontrollably.

  “And when you least expect it…” The monster stopped for a moment and prepared to thrust the sword. “…I will emerge to take over you and do with you as I please!” The demon shrieked in an inhuman voice and brandished the sword in the direction of Ben’s heart.

  Ben’s lifeline went flat.

  Darkness.

  “Ben, you disappoint me,” The sensei said. A dim light went on.

  “It’s not me; it’s him,” Ben said, and pointed to the demon, but it had vanished.

  “I don’t see anyone here except for you.” The sensei said.

  Ben looked for the monster to prove his innocence, but it was gone.

  “Concentrate!” The sensei said in a loud voice.

  He focused his eyes on the sensei and didn’t lift his gaze from him. Entire universes passed by them blurrily. He wanted to watch, but the sensei didn’t let him turn his gaze away or avoid his words.

  “Ben, stop blaming others.”

  An electric shock jolted his heart.

  “Stop blaming yourself!”

  Another electric shock.

  “Take responsibility for your actions!”

  Last attempt…

  ❧

  Silence. A flat line.

  And then…one beat…and another…blood pumped through the heart, reaching the entire body. Oxygen filled the lungs.

  He was breathing. He was alive.

  Ben slowly opened his eyes. The studio was still. It was early in the morning, and the first rays of sun penetrated the window blinds along with a light breeze that hinted of the nearing summer. The breeze cooled down his body gently and dried the sweat from the long night. The fever was down and a sense of ease filled him.

  The walls that had been put up over the years silently crumbled with no resistance. Something had happened to him, but he didn’t yet know what. The discordant notes that had accompanied him all his life joined together to become a new tune playing harmoniously in the background.

  He sat up. A light tremor of excitement ran through his body as he felt like something wonderful was about to happen.

  It was the first day of his freedom.

  He got up and scanned the studio. Where was he? Was he still dreaming? The place seemed familiar to him.

  He walked around and strode between the dining room table and the kitchen. He felt the wood and the countertop, then his eyes landed on the bed. Someone was asleep there. He approached her. She seemed familiar to him.

  It’s Shira, isn’t it?

  He wanted to caress her soft hair, but he couldn’t because he wasn’t really there. He was still tied in his corner, having this dream. A large screen lifted in his mind, revealing a new profound enlightenment.

  Shira.

  It was Shira who had been with him throughout his difficult period, supporting and helping him. A new sensation he had never experienced in his life took over him. He wanted her; he desired her love; he felt in love with her.

  He didn’t know when he began to feel this way, but this truth had always stood strong within him. Something in his heart prodded him secretly when he saw her for the first time. And ever since, that love only grew, taking on different forms, disguising itself first as anger and hatred, and finally stripping all the masks and revealing itself to him.

  Now it was all clear; it all made sense.

  I’ve arrived at the new world I longed for, the mountain apex. And the apex is not narrow or crowded at all—it is a new world opened to me, full of new possibilities and experiences.

  Ben realized that he’d had to go through this journey in order to open up, see, and experience all this.

  He sat on the mattress and watched Shira. He wanted to tell her about his experience and about his profound revelation so that she could write about it in her book. She was asleep in her bed, and for a moment, she looked to him like a sleeping angel—an angel watching over him, charming and beautiful.

  A warm breeze from outside carried a bright light current of white, pink, and orange hues. The hues circled Ben. His body no longer touched the mattress or the floor—he levitated slightly above them. Shira woke up and looked at him. He could tell that she felt him and his love—such earnest love, burning so strongly from inside. That same current swept her too as she levitated over her bed. She felt him. She saw him for what he was and didn’t recoil.

  She was the only one who had believed in him. She was there when he broke into pieces and wept, she was there when the demons took over him, and she was there now, when a colorful ring of light encircled them.

  They looked into each other’s eyes, and the light grew stronger. Ben felt the heat burn all the doubt, guilt, and uncertainty, filling him with an experience happening here and now—in the moment he shared with Shira. They floated slowly toward each other until they merged into one whole. They breathed in unison, and it seemed as if every breath was an eternity of pristine white light pulsating in its utmost splendor through the entire world.

  DAY 64

  Ben awoke. Or had he been awake all along?

  He sat up. The metallic clinging of the chain brought him back to reality.

  He realized he had been dreaming. But the wonderful feeling of the experience was still there, and he wanted to savor it. He was amazed at the sense of complete freedom he felt. He no longer cared about being tied in Shira’s studio with his eyes blindfolded. He felt freer than ever.

  It was all thanks to Shira, who hadn’t given up on him. He wanted to talk to her, to thank her, to share his experience with her. The sound of deep breathing came from her bed, indicating that she was still asleep.

  He remained seated; he was tied to the short chain. He wanted to jump, move, use the precious energy he had been given, but he understood that he had to account for his actions first. He realized that he had wronged Fred greatly.

  “Fred, if you can hear me, or see
this on tape, I want to apologize for my behavior, and I accept the punishment,” he said.

  Shira woke up. Her concern for him had prevented her from sleeping deeply. She heard everything. “You know I will insert the gag now.”

  He nodded silently. This time, he didn’t resist—he accepted the punishment.

  Shira was happy to see him feeling better and in high spirits. She was exhausted from worrying. After she put the gag on him, she went back to sleep. Just for a peaceful hour, she told herself.

  When she awoke, she was astonished to discover that it was already high noon. How could she have slept for so long? How come Ben hadn’t woken her up; where was he? She was startled. She quickly got out of bed only to find him sitting perfectly still on his mattress with the gag in his mouth.

  “I’m sorry. I fell asleep. I didn’t think I would wake up this late.” She rushed to take off the mouthpiece.

  She sat down in front of him and reached her hands to release the straps at the back of his neck. A floral scent emanated from her. She stroked his shoulder lightly as her hand moved passed it. He inhaled the intoxicating smell and took pleasure in every accidental touch.

  “Would you like some breakfast? Eh, wait…lunch?” she asked in confusion.

  Ben shrugged.

  “Okay, I’ll make it up to you with a special meal.” She quickly got up, intending to go to the kitchenette. “Oops…” she said after she bumped into the mattress and nearly fell.

  He laughed. He thought it was one of the cutest things he had ever heard.

  “Very funny,” she said half-jokingly.

  A silly smile spread across his face. As she watched him, the same silly grin appeared on her lips too.

  Butterflies began to flutter in the stomach.

  He heard a circus in the kitchenette—cups fell and pots flew—and after that ruckus, she returned carrying the meal: an omelet, chopped salad, and spaghetti bolognese.

  They sat down to eat. She gave Ben a piece of omelet on a fork, but he didn’t eat as ravenously as she had expected; he even found it hard to swallow. Shira kept feeding him a half of the omelet, and then finally took some for herself.

  “Ugh! That’s really salty!” She spat out the piece she had taken and looked at him wondrously for having managed to eat half of it. She tried the bolognese and it tasted better.

  “Would you like some spaghetti bolognese?” she asked.

  He nodded.

  But they couldn’t eat much of the spaghetti either. They had no appetite. Their stomachs were full of something else and no less wonderful than homemade food.

  An awkward silence reigned at the table. Shira didn’t say a word—she only stared at Ben. He didn’t know how to respond. He felt her gazing at him. He smiled and played with his lips and teeth. Out of all the time that he’d spent at Shira’s in silence, this was the toughest moment for him to be quiet.

  “Hmmm… Maybe we should take you to the shower.” She jumped up all of a sudden, realizing she had been staring at him for too long. “Er, that is, if you want to, of course… Do you?” She was still confused.

  He nodded. That silly grin lit up his face again.

  She released the collar from the table chain and hooked it to a chain she held in her hand. The clasp slipped out of her hand twice before she managed to connect it to the collar on Ben’s neck.

  “Ugh. What’s wrong with me today,” she uttered.

  Shira led him to the bathroom, sat him down on the chair opposite the sink, and went to fill up the bath with warm water and soap bubbles. She helped him up and took off his pants and boxers. They were sweaty from the night. Her hands caressed his legs carefully. One truth was unmistakably erect.

  She ignored it and helped him into the pampering bath. He sat down and tilted his head back. He let out a sigh of relaxation. She took a sponge and gently scrubbed his sore body, as he relished in this gesture. She squirted some shampoo on her hands and scrubbed his head. After she finished, she helped him get up and rinsed the soap and shampoo off him. She dressed him in boxers and a pair of clean aikido pants that lay neatly folded near the bathtub. Then she sat him down on the chair and shaved him.

  Ben felt her soft, cool hands as she brushed his cheek to check if she missed any stubble. Her hand lingered on his cheek, and he tilted his head slightly toward it.

  Shira became self-conscious—what was she doing? She quickly pulled her hand away and continued cleaning his face with toner and soap.

  The manly smell of the cologne penetrated her nostrils and made her even more confused and slightly aroused.

  She removed the blindfold and bandages in front of the harsh lighting, as usual. He kept his eyes closed. She picked up the facial moisturizer from the side of the sink and applied it swiftly to his face. Another awkward moment passed between them as they waited for the moisturizer to be absorbed. Finally, she placed new bandages and a new blindfold on his eyes. He was polished from head to toe, and she was glad to leave that last confusing moment behind her.

  She sat him back down on the mattress and hooked him to the long chain.

  “I’m going out for a while. You’re fine, right?” she asked.

  He nodded and started to stretch before his practice.

  Shira really wanted to tell Jacob about the positive change that had occurred, so she arranged to meet with him again, this time at his home.

  ❧

  “I’m very happy for you, Shira,” Jacob said.

  “Me too.” She beamed with joy. “I’m always awed by seeing them really change, but here the change was so extreme and so fast.”

  “It looks like you didn’t just help him change… You’ve fallen in love with him too,” Jacob said quietly.

  Shira wrinkled her nose and made a funny face. “No way. I’m just happy because it was such a hard and complicated process. And doubts started creeping in. It’s remarkable to see projects you’ve invested so much in succeed, that’s all.” She continued beaming.

  “You’re amazing, you know that?”

  She blushed.

  “I just want to warn you as a friend that the greater the change is, the harder it is for the patients to go back to their old routine… They have to fit into shoes that are no longer their size, and that’s hard.”

  “Don’t worry. If we’ve gotten through all this hardship so far, we’ll get through this too,” she said, smiling steadily.

  “I trust you.” Jacob smiled back.

  ❧

  Shira was back in time for dinner.

  Since they still didn’t have much of an appetite, she prepared a smaller meal. But this time Ben ate more. He had practiced before the meal, and he wanted to supply his body with energy.

  “It’s so nice to see you like that,” she said. “I’m glad you’re feeling better, and you look much better. Everything is so…perfect.”

  He finished her sentence in the exact same way in his mind.

  They finished their meal. She led him back to his spot, tied to a short chain. She stroked his head, leaned in, and gave him a kiss on the forehead. Her long, curly hair brushed his face.

  “Good night, dearest Ben.” She got up and walked out of the studio to the living room.

  DAY 65

  The next morning, they returned to their usual routine, with one obvious difference: the silly smile they each wore the entire day. They began with meditation, and as always, it didn’t resonate with Ben, but he enjoyed Shira’s voice as she spoke to him.

  A healthy breakfast followed.

  Introspection time was boring now that he was no longer spending it thinking about revenge and his release. After digesting the meal, he began one long aikido practice until lunchtime. They ate lunch in the garden, then he had some more introspection time, and finally, the long-awaited, favorite part of the day for Ben arrived—dinner and conversation w
ith Shira.

  “I watched you doing your practice today,” she said.

  He had hoped she watched him. He’d had a good practice and he knew that. He wanted to share it with her.

  “You were really amazing. You’ve really improved since you started.” She flattered him. “For a moment, I forgot you were tied—you looked like you were levitating!”

  The smile on his face grew bigger. He was happy she found interest in his practices—it was very important to him. And besides, he liked her optimism and how she viewed things positively. He was moved by every gesture of hers. Every little detail about her excited him and reignited this new feeling in his stomach and heart. How come he had never felt this sensation before?

  “It’s funny. I was thinking about that ad we worked on together…remember? The career women segment?”

  Ben remembered the ad featuring a woman getting up for work in the morning and returning home in the evening for a jog in the park.

  “I have a better ending,” Shira continued. “She sits down on a bench in the park to rest, and there’s a flashback. She repeats that same day, exactly the same, managing everything in the same way, but this time she’s in love. Her actions are filled with joy and great love, which she radiates. In fact, she experiences the world entirely differently, in an amazing, magical way, but all that has changed is her inner feeling. And then, at the park, she meets her beloved and they jog happily together. What do you think?”

  Ben nodded. He thought it was lovely.

  Shira went on discussing different topics as evening came, and she led him back to his spot when she was finally done.

  The following days went by just as pleasantly. The treatment took the course Shira had hoped it would and expected it to. Ben cooperated throughout the different rituals and enjoyed her company immensely during their evenings together.

  DAY 70

  On one of the days, Ben and Shira sat down to have dinner in the garden. The air was warm, and a light, playful spring breeze blew in small circles, toying with the leaves that fell and cooling the garden slightly. Shira prepared a simple dish of roasted chicken breast with yams and walnuts in date honey. She didn’t put a lot of effort into her cooking, as it seemed like neither of them had much of an appetite lately. She even gave up on making dessert.