She's No Angel

by Janine A. Morris

  There was an Asian lady dressed all in brown at the coffeemaker waiting for her morning java, while two African American males stood close by discussing their club experiences from the weekend. Charlene waved and smiled hello to all of them from a distance, then immediately started to get ready for her workday. She logged on to her computer, and in the back of her mind she was hoping that when her boss arrived she would appear as if she had been on time and already settled at work. It must have been a lazy Monday, because one of her girlfriends at work was also running late. Charlene was keeping an eye out for her to see when she made it to her desk so they could talk about the engagement party and gossip.

  By the time Charlene checked her messages and e-mail she felt well into her day. Her boss had arrived and handed her some documents to revise, and she was already answering calls and updating documents. Considering she was at work, she was in a pretty uplifted mood. It was about 10 AM when Charlene’s phone rang at work. Paige was calling to apologize for her question Saturday night. Charlene’s cubicle was out in the open, surrounded by three other cubicles, and at least three more in hearing range. So she hated having personal conversations at work. Still, since two of her closest cubicle neighbors were away from their desk she figured she could have the conversation quietly and quickly.

  “I’m sorry, Charlene, I really am,” Paige said. “Besides, I know how you don’t like talking about it,” she continued.

  “It’s OK, Paige, I know you didn’t mean anything by it. Sorry for snapping. I know I have to face it at some point. I just didn’t want to think about it at my engagement party.”

  “I know, Leen ... that’s why I felt so bad since.”

  “Don’t ... I know you meant no harm.”

  “I didn’t, really. Regardless, I’m here whenever you want to talk about it or handle it.”

  “Thanks, Sis. But it definitely won’t be here at my job.”

  “I understand. How’s his father doing, anyway? Is he still on chemo?”

  “He is doing OK. There’s no way to tell what’s going on day to day. Especially with Isaac, he doesn’t say too much about it.”

  “Well, that’s good, I guess, as long as he is still stable, and Isaac doesn’t have any bad news.”

  “Yeah, he is as stable as he can be, I guess.”

  “Well, I’m sure everything will work itself out. Just let me know when you’re ready to talk and handle stuff, Charlene,” Paige said.

  “Paige ... I will.”

  “I’m just saying, Charlene, you have to tell Isaac at some point, and it’s in your best interest to get it looked into for yourself, anyway.”

  “I know. I will.”

  “Want me to make the appointment for you?”

  “I have a list of doctors through my insurance; I’ll make the appointment today.”

  “OK ... That sounds more like it. Call me and let me know when, I’ll go with you.”

  “OK. Thanks, Nosey,” Charlene said back.

  If Paige wasn’t such a good sister, Charlene would have to wonder whether she wanted Charlene to tell him because it was best or so that her perfect world would get shaken up. Charlene knew that a lot of people who thought that she didn’t deserve Isaac were waiting for something to break them up or open Isaac’s eyes to what they saw. Charlene knew, though, that Paige wasn’t one of those people. Not only had Paige always been a loving and caring big sister who kept Charlene’s best interests at heart, she knew that Paige was right about this.

  There were quite a few things she hadn’t told Isaac about herself. She hadn’t told him that she had been in a gang as a teenager for about six months. She hadn’t told him that she had been arrested for shoplifting, had been left back in school and suspended for getting caught with a boy on the staircase. And she hadn’t told him that she had pretty much been a stereotypical wayward teenage girl for quite a few years. She dreaded Isaac knowing any of that, and several other things she’d never happened to mention to him. Paige may have been right that Charlene really did need to go to the doctor and that Isaac was entitled to know about her condition, but Charlene dreaded telling him that secret more than she did any other.

  Chapter 6

  Outside it was still sunny and bright but inside Charlene’s apartment it was gloomy and dark. It was about 6:20 PM when Charlene arrived home for the first time since the proposal over a week ago. It was stuffy and needed cleaning, and she was hoping to get to it before Isaac arrived. He was supposed to be stopping by to bring her some of the things she needed that she had left at his place. She didn’t know if he was staying over her place or heading back to his own after he dropped off her things, but she didn’t want the place to still be a mess when he got there. Funny thing was, after all the lovey-dovey nights they had spent together in engagement bliss, she actually hoped he wouldn’t stay. She wanted a night to herself, some space. She had recently realized that having space and time away from the world was to be treasured. She needed time to clear her thoughts, and to just relax without having to keep up the role of the perfect new fiancée.

  She opened some windows, lit some candles, picked up some clothes and rearranged some furniture that was out of place. Charlene’s place was pretty simple for the most part. When you walked in the front door there was a small foyer with a chic little black table there. To the right of the front door was her kitchen, it was a fairly small kitchen but cute and clean. She had white appliances and black countertops. She kept some food items in this one-of-a-kind countertop basket she had ordered from the Home Shopping Network that she just loved. She had two potholders that read TOO CUTE TO COOK hanging right above her two cookbooks. Her living room was straight ahead from the kitchen door, also not very spacious but cute. Her color scheme was peach and tan in there, and the colors looked great together. She had a tan leather couch and a small coffee table. Off to the left was her bathroom and it wasn’t anything fancy at all. Her bedroom was lavender and cream—pretty bright yet soft colors that Charlene felt made the room very cozy. They called the style of her apartment a half bedroom, rather than a studio, since the bedroom was somewhat separate—you had to turn out of the living room to be in the bed area.

  Charlene hadn’t hired anyone to decorate her place, so her apartment wasn’t as fancy as Isaac’s, but she thought it was still well designed and comfortable. Charlene had painted the rooms herself and she went shopping at IKEA and Target and decorated herself. Besides, she didn’t have as much room as Isaac had to work with. Her bathroom, kitchen and bedroom all together could fit in Isaac’s bedroom with still some room left over to play.

  She had straightened up most of the place when her house phone rang. She ran to answer it, and it was Isaac saying he would be there in about fifteen minutes. She hung up and continued her cleaning. She didn’t care if it wasn’t spotless; it wasn’t as if she had just met Isaac and needed to impress him. She just didn’t want it to be dirty and uncomfortable for him to chill in for a bit. So, she started doing the dishes that were in the sink and waited for his arrival.

  She had finished with the dishes and had started folding some “only partially dirty, not ready for the laundry bag yet” clothes when the doorbell rang. As soon as Charlene opened the door, Isaac gave a “Hello” and walked in and went straight into the living room area and sat on the couch. He had his keys and cell phone in one hand, and Charlene’s little overnight bag in the other. He placed the bag down on the floor by the couch and immediately reached for the remote.

  “No hug, no kiss, no conversation,” Charlene said as she followed behind him.

  “I’m sorry, Char, I had a rough day,” he said as he stood up to give her the hug and kiss.

  “What happened?”

  “Nothing much. Work was just stressful and my dad wasn’t feeling well today.”

  “Did he go to the doctor?”

  “No, he has an appointment next week ... It just bothers me to know he is in all that pain and I can’t do anything about it.”

>   Without saying a word, Charlene slowly rubbed Isaac’s back as he spoke. She knew that finding out about his dad’s illness had been a turning point in his life. She was actually surprised that he had proposed in the midst of all the gloominess with his father. He had mentioned before that he wanted his dad to be alive to witness his marriage and the birth of his children, which would mean more than anything to him. So, although he didn’t come right out and say it, Charlene assumed that played a part in why he decided to go ahead and propose to her. Charlene could only pray that things would work out the way Isaac dreamed.

  After a few moments of channel surfing, Charlene got up and brought Isaac a Heineken from the kitchen. He put down the remote after he had seen some of The Contender. As he watched the story about the two boxers striving to become professional, he seemed to be quite relaxed. Charlene was amazed that he ever managed to relax. Inside that man’s mind was a blueprint of his whole life. Isaac was the type of guy that had it all figured out, and he didn’t really know how to adapt when things went off course. That was another reason it made it so hard for Charlene to tell him about her secret. She knew there was a good chance he wouldn’t take it too well. Besides, he had enough on his plate with his dad and all the changes at his job.

  Charlene figured she would give him this time to unwind and get over his rough day, so she opened some mail and jotted down some numbers she had to call. Once she was done she decided to check her answering machine, and since she had been gone for a bit there were quite a few messages. The first message was from her cousin and the next from one of her girlfriends. Then, after a bill collector or two, came a message from Rich.

  “Hey, babe, it’s me, Rich ... I just wanted to say hello and congratulations. I spoke to Kevin yesterday and he told me about the news. I’m still kind of shocked. When I think about you just a few years ago, I wouldn’t of thought you would be getting married ... And you just told me last month that it wasn’t in the plans. Now look ... Well, hey ... Thought it would have been me ... Heh, heh, well, give me a call back if you’re still allowed to.”

  It all came out so fast. Charlene didn’t know if she should jump to stop it, only to have Isaac want to hear it anyway and her look guilty or just remain calm and let it play out, fearful of what he might say. She chose the latter, and sure enough her heart had skipped a few beats for those fifteen seconds that Rich’s voice filled her living room. Rich was a guy that Charlene used to mess with, actually, the last one she was with before Isaac. They had dealt on and off for a bit and they shared a lot of mutual friends, so since the breakup years ago they had always remained somewhat in contact.

  As soon as Rich was done talking, Isaac stared directly into her face. Charlene knew that pretending not to see him would only make the situation worse, so she looked back at him.

  “What was that?” he asked.

  “I don’t know ... He just called to say congratulations to us ... And he was just being silly, I guess,” she replied.

  “You guess? It sounds like you said some silly things too ...”

  Charlene had hoped that Isaac hadn’t listened to it all, or at least that the volume from the television had made it harder to hear. Unfortunately, it seemed not; he must have tuned those contenders out and started getting ready for his own round one.

  “Izzy ... It was just small talk,” she responded.

  “First of all, what were you doing talking to him, and then you told him that we weren’t in your plans?”

  “We talk like once in a blue moon, nothing major ... And it just so happened that the last time was about a month ago, but we don’t usually talk like that.”

  “He thought it would have been him ... What would make him think that?”

  “He was playing, Isaac, obviously, if we were talking about if me and you were getting married last time we spoke; he knew that it was me and you.”

  “No, he didn’t. Not if you told him it wasn’t in the plans ... Besides, since when is it appropriate to keep in touch with your last boyfriend? It’s not, and I’m sure he knows that.”

  Rich had never really been her boyfriend, but that’s what she had told Isaac because it sounded better than the truth. Not that she wanted him to be jealous; she just knew that telling him that they were just messing around would have raised more questions and red flags.

  “We don’t talk like that,” she said again.

  “Yeah, just enough that he thought you and him still had a chance, and for him to feel comfortable enough leaving you that message on your house answering machine,” Isaac said as he picked up his cell phone and keys off the coffee table.

  “Isaac, don’t make a big deal out of this, please. It was nothing. I promise.”

  “I’m not making a big deal out of it, I’m leaving you alone so you can return his call in privacy.”

  Isaac continued toward the door, and Charlene didn’t know what to say to defuse the situation. Nothing she could say would make it look better, especially since she didn’t know how to explain her prior conversations with Rich. Besides, she was well aware that Rich was the one man that made Isaac the most jealous. For one he was fine as all hell, and his personality was even attractive. To Isaac’s knowledge he was the boyfriend that Charlene had had the longest relationship with, and he had still been in the picture when Isaac and she first met. She actually had messed around with Rich longer than she had any other guy, on and off for years, actually. Still, there was nothing going on between her and Rich at this point, so she was irritated by Isaac’s reaction.

  “Isaac ... Let’s just sit down and eat dinner.”

  “I’m not hungry ... I will call you later.”

  At this point Isaac was by the door, and Charlene was close behind him.

  “Isaac, I’m sorry I didn’t tell you that I spoke to him ... It really wasn’t anything. I’m sorry.”

  “No need to apologize ... Just make sure when you call him back you let him know that I said thanks for the congratulations on our engagement.”

  Charlene gave up. She wasn’t having the best day, either after the conversation she had had with her sister earlier and now this. She told herself to forget it, she couldn’t take any more. Isaac walked out the door without giving her a kiss good-bye or any acknowledgment, and Charlene closed the door behind him.

  She went into the living room, turned off the television and went into her bedroom. She actually considered calling Rich back, even just to tell him what he had caused, but she figured maybe she should not, at least not yet. She immediately sprawled out on the bed. She didn’t turn on the television, no radio; she just lay there in silence. It was only moments before tears began to roll down her face. She was already emotional from the memories that resurfaced when she was talking to her sister earlier. So Isaac walking out on her only added insult to injury. Isaac didn’t know it, but his walking out so easily spoke volumes to her. It had been Charlene’s fear all along, Isaac not willing to accept and love her despite her flaws. She was a tough girl who had been through a lot, and you would never know the turmoil she dealt with underneath because she was good at keeping a smile on her face. Still, as the tears rolled down her cheeks onto her lavender cotton comforter, her worry clouded her mind.

  Charlene knew that it made no sense to be with a man this long and tell him so many lies, not expecting for them to catch up with her. The thing was, she wasn’t expecting the relationship to last this long, or for her back to be against the wall like this. Charlene knew it didn’t make sense to allow a man from her past to cause friction between her and her present man. Charlene never could sever ties with the men she dealt with, because she didn’t trust that her current one would be there for the long haul and she wanted to have someone to fall back on. She wished that she could have faith in her relationships, especially this one, since she’d just agreed to stay in it forever. She knew she could only feel that confident if Isaac was still around after he found out her secret.

  Chapter 7

  Char
lene stood in the doctor’s office waiting for her name to be called. Paige sat beside her with a Glamour magazine in her hand. Charlene looked around the room at all the pregnant mothers, bellies protruding almost out to their knees, most who looked happy as a lark. A few of them did look miserable and irritable, their faces looking swollen and noses wide. A lot of them were with their husbands, that’s what the matching rings told; some were with other females and a few alone. There were five doctors who practiced at this office and at least sixteen women waiting. The whole scene depressed Charlene. The sight of all these mothers there to ensure the health of their bundle of joy to come, and there was Charlene sitting in the waiting room of an OB-GYN to get a medical condition checked out and face her pain.

  A few patients weren’t pregnant, or at least they didn’t appear to be, some looked young, as if they were there for birth control. Charlene wished that at that age she could have been on such a couch on her way to finding out about preventive methods. Instead, she was grown and was visiting an OB-GYN’s office for the first time. She had been seen by one before, but that was in a hospital, and she never did go back for her follow-up appointments. So, for the first time, at the age of twenty-six, she was seeing an OB-GYN. Her older cousin Dakota had referred her to this one, in Yonkers, a Dr. Kim Ginyard.

  The office was cozy and clean, and all the staff was very friendly. There were tons of pamphlets all over the office regarding female health issues and information. Charlene read most of their titles from a distance while she waited. She didn’t want to look like a first-timer, or to show any of the fear she was feeling, so she tried to remain as calm as possible. Meanwhile, she was sweaty and had some pretty huge butterflies in her stomach.

  Charlene hadn’t planned what she was going to say. She didn’t know how she was going to get the doctor to give her the information she needed without having to go into detail about everything. She debated with herself about confiding in her doctor, but the more she thought about having to discuss everything the more nervous she got. She was close to convincing herself to walk out of the office, to forget about all of this and go on with her life as she had. But with her sister sitting there, and her folder being next in the bin, she fought the urge. Moments later, she heard her name.