She's No Angel

by Janine A. Morris

  It didn’t make it any easier to deal with when she had to answer people’s questions at work. She told most people the ring was getting cleaned and engraved, and a few that it was getting appraised. She wasn’t quite ready to face the embarrassment of having to retract her engagement news, and return the engagement gifts. It seemed like people knew something was up anyway, though, despite her trying to cover it up. It was like Charlene had become the emperor in his new clothes; she thought she was all covered up but really she was naked. It made sense with Isaac, but even her coworkers seemed to be able to see through her all of a sudden. They knew she was down, and nobody really seemed to believe her ring story. Her heartbreak was that painful, unmistakably visible regardless of how much of an illusion she tried to portray.

  Charlene had called Isaac a few times, even though each time she knew he wouldn’t answer or return her call. One thing Charlene did know about Isaac was that he was a stubborn Virgo and he would stand his ground on something just to prove a point. She really wasn’t expecting him to answer, because he had done this type of thing before. She was hoping that somebody would talk to him, and let him know that he should at least try to have an adult conversation about it. To call off the engagement was extreme, and that type of decision shouldn’t be made in haste. Charlene knew she was in no position to tell Isaac that, so she was hoping that someone else would. Her calls were to remind him that she was still trying and still wanted a chance.

  Isaac knew full well that he was driving Charlene mad. He knew she hated to be ignored, and he knew even more that her guilt would eat away at her more without knowing exactly what Isaac was thinking or doing. But that wasn’t why he was doing this. Isaac truly felt like he couldn’t marry a woman who had been so deceitful and dishonest with him. He wasn’t feeling that from their conversation, she wasn’t quite the lady he thought she was. It’s enough for a man to accept the fact that his girl has slept with men before him. Of course to marry a virgin would be the ideal choice, but the fewer partners the better. Still, if you really love the woman, you can overlook some of her indiscretions and wrong decisions in the past. The problem for Isaac was that not only did he not know she had so many indiscretions to overlook, it was that she lied about them all and would have continued to lie. What was the most hurtful to Isaac was that he really thought he knew his fiancée, he thought they had something special. He never would have thought she would keep such secrets, especially one that would alter his life so much. Charlene was well aware of his strong desire to have children, and yet she kept her secret to herself, knowing it would shatter his dream. He found it selfish and literally unforgivable.

  Although Charlene hadn’t had a conversation with Isaac about this, she knew that he was feeling that way. Some of the comments he had made since he found out and the way that he had completely turned off his feelings toward her, it wasn’t hard to tell. She didn’t know if she should just accept it and attempt to move on with her life or throw everything she had into getting him back, pull out all the stops. The bigger question for her was whether it would even matter, if she had no stop or trick that would work this one out. Having to question that made her have to face herself in the mirror and what she had done to Isaac. She started to feel like she was being selfish. Regardless of how much she loved Isaac, she still would be unable to fulfill his needs because she couldn’t give him the baby that he yearned for.

  She called Paige for the second time that day.

  “What now?” Paige asked when she answered.

  “That’s mean,” Charlene replied.

  “I’m only joking, Leen ... But I’m asking because you’re not being patient ... not giving him time to think it all over and calm down—”

  “That’s the thing ... I’m wondering if I should give him just that—time,” Charlene said.

  “That’s what I’ve been saying all along.”

  “No, I mean all the time in the world. Just let him go.”

  “Where did this come from?”

  “I realized that even if we work it out, will we ever really work it out? I can’t give him a child and that’s not going to change ... What incentive does he have to forgive me ... to marry me and live terribly ever after?” Charlene asked, trying to contain the lump that appeared in her throat.

  “Don’t say that, Charlene. You can give him all the love in the world, besides, Isaac isn’t with you because of your womb ... He loved you.”

  “Not anymore ... As he put it, he loved the woman he thought he knew.”

  “Charlene, he is mad right now. He will come to his senses. He doesn’t want the embarrassment of calling off the engagement, either. Besides he will realize sooner than later that he isn’t going to find a Goody Two-shoes out there, so he might as well stick with what he got.”

  “Is that supposed to make me feel better?” Charlene asked, managing to laugh.

  Finding the humor in it, Paige laughed back.

  “You know what I mean ... Just be patient, he will be back.”

  Even though there wasn’t much in Charlene that felt the same way, she preferred to adopt Paige’s optimism for now.

  Chapter 24

  Charlene’s optimism about her relationship with Isaac slowly disappeared after a few more days went by and she still hadn’t heard from him. Her optimism really ceased when something totally unexpected happened. She came home one afternoon, about six days after she had last seen Isaac, and she noticed a box in front of her door. She walked up to it and read the label, it was addressed to Charlene and had been sent from Isaac. The door to her apartment swung open as Charlene nudged it with her shoulder, since her hands were full. Once she stepped back inside she used her foot to shut the door. Immediately the belongings in her hand were dropped on the little table in the foyer. Charlene had to use the bathroom but she was dying to know what the package Isaac had sent was about. Without even removing her jacket, she sat down on the couch with the box, oozing with curiosity.

  Charlene had allowed her imagination to run wild since the moment she saw the box. Only seconds later she was praying that it was a teddy bear from FAO Schwarz saying sorry, or I love you; she thought maybe it could be a unique gift that only she could interpret. Charlene thought that Isaac was ready to make up and that he had thought of a unique and sweet way to do so. So, filled with expectation, Charlene tore through the tightly wrapped box to get to what was inside. Once she got the box open, the first thing she saw was one of her favorite tops. Then, as she shuffled through, she saw more items that belonged to her until she realized that they were items she had left at Isaac’s place. She looked around for something more inside the box as if what she had seen so far was a cruel joke, and then she realized that it wasn’t. For a couple of moments, while she was still psyched to have received some form of contact from Isaac, she didn’t feel the insult of it. Then, after she had searched a bit longer for some hidden message in the box and didn’t find one, she felt hurt by the gesture.

  Charlene didn’t know if Isaac was trying to hurt her feelings or if he was just handling business. Either way she was getting weaker and weaker by every reminder that Isaac was a free man. She didn’t mind so much that she was a free woman, because she knew what she was doing with herself and that she still wanted to be with Isaac. The difficulty was not knowing what Isaac was doing or if he had truly made up his mind that he was done with their relationship. After driving herself crazy, Charlene changed out of her work clothes into a velour sweatsuit and some Nike sneakers. Without analyzing it at all, she grabbed her keys off the table and headed out the door.

  Her keys jingled in her hands as she walked to her car. Within seconds she was sitting in the car, then she inserted the key in the ignition, backed up and shifted to the driving gear on her way down the street. About a mile down the road, Charlene began to feel around inside her purse. She found her wallet, some gum, a brush and makeup bag until her hand recognized the shape of her cell phone. She pulled out the phone, and speed-dialed Is
aac. She waited for a few seconds before she confirmed that once again he wasn’t picking up.

  “Hi, you’ve reached Isaac ...” the voice mail began.

  Charlene immediately pressed 1 to cut short his outgoing message.

  “Hi, Isaac, I am on my way to your place. I didn’t want to come unexpected, but I think we need to talk. See you soon,” Charlene said before hanging up.

  Charlene drove straight to his house with no second thoughts. She didn’t change her mind, even after considering the possibility that he might not get the message and could have a girl there. Charlene thought to herself that if that happened it wouldn’t matter to her, anyway, because it would be Isaac’s scene to deal with—she would just show up. So, determined to see Isaac and make some progress, she was pulling up in front of his condo in his oh-so-quiet neighborhood.

  But once she got there she noticed that she didn’t see his car. She looked farther down the street and still saw no sign of his vehicle. She stepped out of the car wondering if maybe for some reason he didn’t have his car or it was at the dealer getting some maintenance. She walked up to his door and began to knock and waited a few seconds. There was no answer. She knocked a few more times. Still there was no answer. Feeling a bit defeated, Charlene walked back to her car. She pulled out her cell phone and hit REDIAL on the phone.

  It was like she was in denial, because deep down she knew damn well that he wasn’t going to answer the phone. Still, she sat there and let it ring, but this time when the voice mail picked up she didn’t leave a message. Charlene sat in her car in front of his house for a bit longer, trying to think of what she could do. She began to look out the window and watch his place to see if she saw any movements.

  A black X5 slowly came driving into the complex and Charlene diverted her attention to it. It pulled up to a condo four doors down from Isaac’s and parked. A tall man with a medium build stepped out of the car and closed the driver’s side door behind him. He then opened the back door, grabbed his briefcase off the backseat and closed the back door. The man slowly walked out of the parking area and onto the walkway toward his home. As soon as he began to walk, the door he was in front of opened and standing there was a woman with a baby in her arms. The man lit up with a smile upon the sight of his welcoming committee, and the woman looked just as excited to see him. Charlene sat and watched as he approached her, planted a big kiss on her lips and the baby’s forehead and proceeded inside. As soon as their door closed behind him, Charlene snapped back to it.

  She looked again at the house that she was parked in front of and wondered if that would ever be her waiting for Isaac to get home from work. Then she began to wonder if Isaac had left when he got her message that she was on her way and if he wouldn’t return home anytime soon. Charlene was about to lose her mind. She was even tempted to call Lacy to see if Lacy would reveal what was on Isaac’s mind. She knew that was a desperate move, because that would show how weak she was and then she could probably never face Lacy with the same ego again.

  Charlene finally started her car and put the gear in DRIVE. She rode down the street looking for Isaac’s car to see if he was parked somewhere waiting for her to leave. She hoped that he wouldn’t go to such drastic measures to avoid her, but she didn’t know what to expect from him at this point. Once she exited his complex she stopped looking for clues and headed on to the highway.

  It was a Thursday night and Charlene was back at her apartment on the phone with Jasmine trying to keep herself occupied. She barely ever sat quiet in her house unless she was welcoming a crying session to come on, because she knew that was all that it took for her emotions to get the best of her. So she tried to stay as busy and distracted as possible. This evening Jasmine was up. Paige was all Isaac’d out. Paige hadn’t said it, but it seemed she had become kind of tired of the Isaac moping and patience talks.

  “Charlene, Isaac ain’t Lebron James or somebody. He may be a decent guy but he is not some baller that’s fine as all hell or something. I doubt he has girls all over him. He will stop feeling himself soon, and if not there are other Isaacs out there.”

  “Yeah, and then I’ll be right back here again one day,” Charlene replied.

  “No, you tell the next one up front.”

  “Yeah ... OK ... and see if I ever get engaged again.”

  “We don’t even have to think that far ahead because Isaac will be back soon ... He will be horny soon,” Jasmine said, laughing.

  “Yeah, if he isn’t getting some from the ‘always there for him’ Ms. Lacy,” Charlene said sarcastically.

  “Who is that?”

  “His friend, but back in the day it was a flirtatious thing but he claims it grew into a friendship since nothing ever happened.”

  “You think they are having sex?”

  “I don’t know, especially now ... I’m sure she is trying to console him.”

  “Whatever, Charlene, that’s your guilt. Give it a few more days, still no call, we will go to his job,” Jasmine said, slightly laughing but clearly being serious.

  “Then it will really be on ... I’m going to mail him this letter I wrote and hope he reads it and feels it in his heart to at least talk to me.”

  “Try it.”

  “The way he is acting he may put Return to Sender on it and send it back unread.”

  They both chuckled. They took that chance to go ahead and get off the phone since they had been talking for quite a while.

  Charlene sat on the couch watching television and eating some leftover pizza she had in the fridge. She had been eating like a pig lately, eating junk food and late in the evenings. She knew she was gaining some pounds, but she hoped that Isaac could make up with her soon and reduce her stress eating. In the meantime she enjoyed every bite.

  She watched television for about another hour before her mind wandered back to Isaac. She hadn’t spent so much time alone with herself in years. In the past she would have had another dude in the mix by now, somebody to cushion the pain and sex her back happy. This time she knew that that wasn’t going to help; besides, she didn’t want to add any more risks to making things worse with Isaac.

  She tried to keep her attention on the television program, but it became harder and harder. Eventually she went to look on her phones as if she thought Isaac might have called. Once she saw that she had no missed calls, as she had figured, she went ahead and dialed his number. She wasn’t even nervous as the phone rang, because she was so used to the feeling of anticipation and getting his answering machine. The phone rang once, Charlene picked up the remote control. It rang a second time; she went ahead and muted the television. It rang a third time and the phone stopped ringing.

  “Hello,” a female voice said from the other end.

  Charlene froze. She looked in the phone to make sure the number was correct and saw Isaac’s name in the phone identifying the number she had dialed.

  “H-el-lo,” Charlene slowly said back.

  “Hi, are you looking for Isaac?” the female asked.

  “Yes,” Charlene replied.

  She didn’t know if she should have an attitude, if she was even in a position to. She didn’t know who this person was and just how sly she could behave in order to find out.

  “Oh, he just ran out. Do you want me to tell him you called?”

  “Who is this?”

  “Tyra, who is this?” the girl replied.

  “This is Charlene, his fiancée.”

  “Fiancée? Really? He said he was no longer engaged,” the girl responded.

  Charlene had tried to piss off the girl, but she ended up getting pissed off herself.

  “Did he? ... Well, tell him I called.”

  “Sure,” the girl replied.

  “By the way, why are you answering his phone?”

  “Excuse me?”

  “Why are you answering his phone? You don’t think you’re out of place?”

  “No, I don’t. He stepped out and left it here with me by mistake ... I do
n’t have to explain this to you, Charlene ... I’m sorry. I’ll explain it to him if he asks.”

  Charlene didn’t know what to say. She wanted to ask a million questions, like how long have you been around? Where are you guys right now? What did he tell you about our engagement? Where has he been? How is he doing? Of course, she couldn’t stoop that low; this girl was already playing her and had the upper hand.

  “No problem,” she replied. “Just have him call me.”

  “OK.”

  “Bye.”

  Charlene hung up and felt absolutely numb. She didn’t know what to think or do with herself. All she knew was that that wasn’t a part of the plan. She hadn’t prepared herself in any form or fashion for that pain and embarrassment.

  What made it worse was that she couldn’t even break on him because she knew chances were he wouldn’t call her back. That only added to the embarrassment, because whoever Tyra was, if she relayed the message it wasn’t as if she would see him actually call Charlene. Deep down she hoped he would feel bad that she had to face that and call her back. She figured, though, that he probably didn’t care and wouldn’t, anyway. After she took it all in, she went ahead and called Jasmine back.

  “You see, I told you,” Charlene said.

  “Dag ... That is crazy,” Jasmine replied.

  “I was in shock ... First I was in shock that the phone was answered, but then it was a chick.”

  “Yeah, I don’t know ... I would have broke,” Jasmine said.

  “I couldn’t. She probably would have made me feel so stupid. I don’t know who she is or what she knows ... It was bad enough, trust me.”

  “I can imagine ... Talk about awkward.”

  “Damn, it’s really over ...” Charlene said in a real serious tone. She had had an epiphany in the past few seconds: that only she was still holding on.

  “That could just be some jump-off to get him through, that doesn’t have to be anything.”

  Charlene was tired of the optimism. She had lost weeks of healing time with her high hopes that he would come back. Really, Paige and Jasmine were telling her what anybody would say when they are trying to make you feel better. They probably knew, too, by now that Isaac was truly gone, but couldn’t bear to tell her.