I was still not sure what I had done to make him want to take me home, but the next morning when I saw him, he was fine. On our next date, we met Molly and Jason for a movie. Brian and I had been getting along very well. We laughed and talked about everything with ease. Molly followed me to the bathroom before we were leaving the restaurant to go to the movie.
“So, how’s it going?” she probed.
“I like him, okay?”
“But, not better than Logan?” she asked, sensing my hesitancy.
“That’s not a fair comparison. I really like Brian, but you know how I feel about Logan.”
“How do you feel about Logan?” she asked.
“I don’t want to talk about Logan right now. I’m having a good time. I’ve been out of my room, and dating, like you’ve pestered me about for ages. Don’t push it! Besides, it doesn’t matter how I feel about Logan. He’s not mine.”
“Is Brian yours?” she asked, misunderstanding my meaning. But of course she didn’t know Logan was married, and I wasn’t going to tell her, or anyone else for that matter. His personal life was his own business and frankly it was much too difficult for me to talk about.
“No. We’re taking it really slow.”
“Why?”
“Because there’s no reason to rush things,” I snapped.
“What about when he leaves for college in September?” she asked.
“One step at a time, okay? Just let me get used to dating.”
“Okay. So, has he kissed you yet?” she asked.
“No.”
“So, you won’t let him?” she asked.
“We’ve only been out four times now,” I said.
“Technically, this is your fifth date.”
“Oh, yeah.” I had tried to block out our first date.
“Are you going to make him wait forever?”
“Molly, please just let me go at my own speed. He’s okay with it, why aren’t you?”
“Fine, I just hate to watch that obvious longing on his face. You have no idea what you’re doing to him, do you?” she asked accusingly.
“What? What am I doing to him?” I asked, not understanding her meaning.
“You’re kidding, right? Good grief, Delaney. He’s a man, you know? You can’t figure out what he wants?”
“He’s not getting…that!”
“Well, I’m not telling you to jump into bed with him, but you could at least kiss him, show him some affection.”
“I’m not sure I’m ready for that.”
“Come on, Delaney. You can’t stay a virgin forever!” she said.
Molly misread my pain for embarrassment and said, “You don’t know what you’re missing, but do what you want. He’s obviously a very patient man. Don’t make him wait too long, though. He looks like he’s in a lot of pain,” she grinned.
“Pain? He’s in pain?” I asked. I knew I was naïve, but I honestly didn’t know what she meant.
“Oh come on, let’s go to the movie.”
“Do you mean actual pain?” I continued, thinking his actions the other night had something to do with what Molly was talking about.
“Why don’t you ask him?” she said, enjoying the look of embarrassment that flashed across my face.
While we were waiting for the movie to start, Molly said, “Oh, my gosh, I forgot to tell you guys. Did you hear about what happened to Chad?”
I immediately turned white. I could feel the blood draining from my face at the mere mention of his name.
Molly went on, “He lost his soccer scholarship! Evidently his transcripts were phony, and the university found out. So, he was banned from getting in to any university. I guess being a huge soccer star doesn’t mean much if you get caught cheating. And, if that wasn’t enough, they found steroids in his gym locker two days after the grad party. He went to clean it out with all the guys, and his coach saw him pulling it out of his locker. I guess he’s pretty much ruined!”
“Wow! I have to say I never really trusted him. But I didn’t think he was that bad!” Brian said.
“He’s a jerk. Guess he’s not so high and mighty now,” Jason laughed.
“It’s kind of strange though. I mean, I know he was kind of rude and loud, but I didn’t think he’d stoop to steroids, or cheating on his transcripts for that matter. He wasn’t stupid. I know he had decent grades, so why would he lie? I don’t get it,” Brian said, and then looked over at me. “Delaney, are you okay?” he asked, noticing I was trembling.
“What? Oh yeah, I’m fine.”
The movie started then, thankfully, and I forced myself to put Chad out of my mind. I wanted to feel sorry for him, but I just couldn’t. I was secretly happy that he was suffering, and then I was immediately remorseful for having ill feelings. “Stop it, Delaney! Jason’s right. He’s a jerk!” I told myself. I reached over and grabbed Brian’s arm, bringing it over my shoulder. I was instantly feeling better. I forced Chad from my thoughts and focused on the feel of Brian’s arm around me and the movie on the screen. Between Brian and Jim Carrey, I should be able to forget all about Chad.
“The movie was great. Thank you,” I said, sitting in Brian’s car before going into the house.
I thought a lot about what Molly said before the movie. I wasn’t sure what to do, and I certainly couldn’t ask him if my being near him caused him actual pain, so I sat there, saying nothing for a few minutes.
“Are you okay?” he asked, sensing my dismay.
“Oh yeah, I’m fine,” I mumbled.
He started to open his car door so he could walk me to the door when I realized I actually wanted him to kiss me, but I didn’t know how to ask. I grabbed his arm and said, “Wait, I um…it’s still early. I don’t have to go inside for another 20 minutes.”
“Well, I’m certainly not going to kick you out,” he said and pulled the door tightly shut.
“The movie was great,” I said again.
“Yeah, so you said. Is there something you wanted to talk to me about?” he asked, looking a bit worried now.
I knew he was always on edge, always worried that I would disappear again or that Logan would come and sweep me away. I had long since realized that Logan wasn’t coming for me. Brian was a wonderful guy. I looked over at him, feeling nervous and not knowing how to go about letting him know that he could kiss me; that I actually wanted him to kiss me.
“Delaney, what is it?”
“I was just wondering, um, no, I mean…would you…?”
“Would I what?” he asked.
I was certain he thought I had lost my mind. “Um, never mind. I should go in, now.”
“Oh no, I’m not letting you off the hook that easy. You want me to what, Delaney?”
“It doesn’t matter. It was silly,” I said, and then reached for the door handle and opened the door. He instantly grabbed my arm, reached over me and shut my door. His face was inches from mine.
“Would I what, Delaney?” he asked.
“Kiss me,” I whispered, refusing to look him in the eye. I thought there would be no hesitation, that he would be thrilled. I was ready. But he sat upright in his seat and turned to look at me. “Why?” he asked.
“What do you mean, why?”
“Why did you ask me to kiss you?”
“I, because…you…I thought you wanted to…”
“That’s what I thought,” he said, taking a deep breath.
“I don’t understand. I thought you wanted to kiss me. Molly said that you wanted…”
“Stop right there. I like Molly, I think she’s great. But I don’t care about what she says. I won’t kiss you until I know it’s for the right reason.”
“What’s the right reason?” I asked, even more confused than before.
“You’ll have to figure that out,” he said. “Come on, it’s about time for you to go inside.”
He walked me to the door, opened it for me, and said goodnight.
I stood in the entry hall, once again feeling very con
fused about our ‘end of the evening’ conversation. It seemed no matter how much fun we had or how wonderful our dates were, our evenings ended on a sour note.
“Did you two have fun?” my mom asked on her way up to bed.
“What? Oh yeah. It was fun.”
“What movie did you see?”
“Oh, we saw that new comedy with Jim Carrey. It was really funny.”
“That’s nice, honey. Sleep well,” my mom said, and then headed upstairs to bed.
“What’s the right reason to ask someone to kiss you?” I asked absentmindedly, before thinking about who I was talking to.
“Why? Is Brian pressuring…?”
“No, of course not. It was just something I saw in the movie.” More lies, and I found much to my surprise that it kept getting easier to lie. I knew someday my lies would catch up to me and I would have a lot of explaining to do. But at that moment, I was happy living in my own little world of denial.
“Delaney, Brian seems like a very nice young man. Do not let him pressure you into anything,” she said.
“Mom, I told you, Brian hasn’t pressured me at all. I promise.”
“Okay, goodnight. Get some sleep. You still look exhausted.”
I didn’t see Brian for two days. I finally called him, certain I had done something terrible in asking him to kiss me, although, for the life of me, I couldn’t figure out what.
“Hi. I was going to call you later today.”
“You were?” I asked, sounding skeptical.
“Yes. You don’t believe me?”
“I don’t know. I thought maybe you were mad at me because of the other night,” I admitted, still uncertain as to what my actual offense was.
“Why would I be mad at you? I could never be mad at you.”
“Then why didn’t you call me?”
“I called yesterday, but your brother said you weren’t feeling well and that you had some stomach bug.”
“Oh. He didn’t tell me you called. That little RAT!” I said, angry at my brother, but relieved that Brian had called.
“Are you feeling better now?”
“Oh yeah, I’m fine.”
“Do you have the stomach flu? You’ve been sick a lot lately.”
“No, I’m not sick; I’ve just always had a sensitive stomach. Remember, your mom cooks; my mom re-heats!”
“Can I see you tonight?” he asked, laughing and agreeing about my mother’s lack of culinary skill.
“Yes!” I said emphatically.
“I’ll pick you up at 6:00.”
“I’ll be ready.”
I had given a lot of thought about what the right reason was for Brian to kiss me. I had asked him too. I thought that was reason enough. After dinner, we went to his house. We played a few games of Chess, but I was definitely no competition for him, so we moved on to Wii Sports. I had to laugh when I beat him at bowling, boxing and tennis.
“It’s a good thing they don’t have football on the disk, or you’d be in a world of hurt,” he said, taking it all in stride.
“Maybe you would! Seth can’t beat me either,” I laughed, knowing that the only sports I stood a chance of beating Brian at were on the Wii. He was very big, but he was also very lean and muscular. I found myself staring at him, wishing once again that he would kiss me. It felt good to finally feel this way about Brian. I had always been over-come with a yearning for Logan from the day we met. With Logan, it was electric. It was an immediate desire. But this was different. The feelings I had for Brian had grown slowly over time. And as I looked up at him, I realized he no longer seemed like a buddy, or a brother, but a man that I desired.
He must have felt me staring, because he looked at me with what I was sure was a yearning as well. He quickly recovered and asked what I wanted to do. “You still have an hour before you have to be home. Do you want to go get some ice cream?”
The mere mention of the words ice cream sent me reeling to the bathroom. I stood over the sink, splashing cold water on my face, until the urge to vomit subsided.
“Are you okay?” Brian asked from outside the door.
“Yes, I’m fine. I think dinner and all the jostling from the video games got to me.”
I opened the door only to find Brian and his mother standing there, looking concerned.
“Are you okay, Delaney?” Mrs. Walters asked me, noting how pale I was.
“I’m fine. Those stupid video games make me dizzy and nauseous. My brother always laughs at me because of it,” I said, embarrassed by my weakness.
“Are you sure that’s all it is?” she asked, looking at me funny.
“Yes. I’m fine.”
“Okay,” she said and strolled off to finish watching a movie with Brian’s dad.
“Do you want me to take you home?” Brian asked me, looking a bit concerned as well.
“Do you want me to go?” I asked, looking up at him, the nausea gone, but the desire returning.
“No. I never want you to go.”
“Let’s go to your room. Your parents won’t care, right?”
“No, they won’t care, but that may not be such a good idea.”
“Why? Are you afraid of me?” I asked, playing with him now.
“Very,” he said, only half joking.
“Why?” I asked, seriously.
“Because you have the power to crush me at any given moment,” he said, honestly.
“I don’t want to hurt you, Brian. Are you ever going to trust me again?” I asked.
“I trust you. It’s me I don’t trust.”
“I trust you,” I said, touching his arm.
“You’re under the impression that I have an endless amount of willpower, but its’ diminishing as we speak.”
I figured it was now or never. I took his hand and led him into his room. I closed the door and turned to him. I took a deep breath and asked, “Brian, why wouldn’t you kiss me the other night?”
“I told you. You didn’t have the right reason.”
I walked over to him, put my hands on his chest and said, “So you still won’t kiss me?”
“No.” He backed up until he was against the far wall, standing rigid.
I was openly throwing myself at him and he wouldn’t even look at me. “I don’t understand. I asked you to kiss me the other night and you refused. I’m here, standing in your room, again asking you to kiss me and still you won’t. Why?”
“I told you why,” he said, breathing a bit faster, but refusing to budge.
I was confused, “Brian, I don’t know what the right reason is…all I know is that I want you to kiss me,” I said, frustrated.
“That’s the right reason,” he said breathlessly, closing the gap in an instant and pulling me to him. He kissed me very softly at first, then deeper. I kissed him back. It was nice, I thought, not really certain of what I was expecting.
He pulled away from me, his eyes still closed. “Oh God, Delaney. You don’t know what you do to me!”
“I’m sorry,” I said, sensing that maybe this was the pain Molly mentioned.
“Sorry for what? You can’t help how I feel about you.”
“I don’t want to cause you any more pain,” I said, looking down.
“Um, I wouldn’t call that kiss painful, would you?” he asked, not understanding what I meant.
“No, it was very nice…for me.”
He thought about what I said for a minute, and then said, “You don’t think it was nice for me? Well, actually nice doesn’t even begin to describe it. But why would you think it would cause me pain? You wanted me to kiss you, right?” he asked, looking confused.
“Yes.”
“I’m not following you, Delaney. Why would kissing you cause me pain?”
“I, I don’t know…Molly just said that you looked like you were in a lot of pain.”
“Do I look like I’m in pain?” he asked, stroking my cheek.
“No. Not now.”
“I’m lost. Exactly when was I supp
osed to be in pain?”
“I don’t know. She just said that you looked like you were in a lot of pain. She said that you obviously wanted to kiss me, and that I shouldn’t make you wait too long,” I admitted, shyly.
“Get your jacket. I’m taking you home,” he said, and stormed out of his bedroom.
He was silent all the way to my house. He wouldn’t even answer direct questions. He pulled up to my house, came around and opened my door, and walked me to the porch. He waited for me to get my keys out and he opened my door. But, instead of his polite goodnight, he headed back to his car without a word.
“Brian!” I yelled after him.
He didn’t stop, so I ran after him.
“Go inside, Delaney!” he said, very angrily. I had never seen him this angry before, not even when he found me with Logan.
“Brian, what did I do?”
“It’s what you didn’t do!”
“What didn’t I do?”
“You didn’t really want me to kiss you. You only told me you did because of what Molly said! Because it was what you thought I wanted!” he was irate.
“That’s not true. I did want you to kiss me. I did, I do!”
“Stop lying to me!”
“Brian, please believe me. I’m not lying. I did want you to kiss me. I swear I did!”
“I don’t believe you!” he said, once again heading toward his car.
“BRIAN!” I yelled, but it was too late, he was already driving away.
I enjoyed my dates with Brian, but it seemed each night our dates ended on a sour note, leaving me vastly confused. I knew Brian’s anger was my fault, although I wasn’t sure exactly what I had done. I needed to talk to him, clear the air but I had no idea what to say. ‘How can I convince him that I wanted the kiss?’ I thought to myself on the way upstairs to my bedroom.
The next morning I woke up early for church, once again feeling sick to my stomach. This time I knew why I was feeling sick. I had hurt Brian and I desperately needed to talk to him. I called his cell phone but he didn’t answer, so I called his house. “Hi Mrs. Walters. It’s Delaney. May I speak to Brian, please?”
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