Lost in Us

by Heidi McLaughlin

  Our lips touch, briefly, and I jump as fireworks go off behind us. He straightens, but keeps his eyes on me.

  “Maybe I can see you tomorrow?”

  “I’d love that,” I reply, nodding my agreement.

  I look at the clock above my mantle and watch the second hand tick by. The time is moving painstakingly slow, and with each minute that passes, my anxiety increases. I was so stupid last night, kissing Hadley like that, but can’t deny that it felt amazing. I pulled away as soon as I registered what I was doing, but the damage had already been done. Jessica could’ve very well seen us from her father’s box seats, and hurting Jessica is the very last thing I want to do. However, hurting Hadley isn’t an option either.

  When I left New York, I thought I left her behind. I never imagined she’d show up here, especially not a year later. The feelings I had, they’re still there and stronger than ever. The old adage, absence makes your heart grows fonder, is exact in my case. Hadley and I needed a year apart from each other to grow. The issue with that is the only way to grow is to see other people. I happened to meet an amazing woman who listened to me whine about my failed relationship. Jessica and I connected over our love of sports, particularly baseball, and our failures at high-profile relationships.

  Now I’m sitting here waiting for Jessica so I can confess my sins and ask for forgiveness. We’ll break up because it’s the right thing to do. I can’t lead her and Hadley on, and if I’m having trouble fighting my feelings for Hadley – who no doubt knows what’s going to happen the next time I’m with her – I don’t want to do cheat on Jessica. It’s not fair to her, and she’s been a trooper through all of this. I owe her the respect she’s earned by being honest.

  The sound of Jessica’s key sliding into the door makes my heart thrash a rapid pace. I should stand and greet her, but I feel as if I have cinderblocks holding me down. I quickly turn on the television and act as if I didn’t hear her come in. When she enters my living room, she leans up against the wall. She’s dressed to go running, which means she’s not planning on staying.

  “Hey,” I say, stupidly. She smiles softly, but it doesn’t reach her eyes. “Come sit down.” I adjust so that I’m open to her with my leg under my other one. She sits and reaches for my hand. Our fingers intertwine, and I look for my body to respond the same way it does with Hadley. I shake my head lightly when I don’t have the desired results.

  “I saw you,” she says in a hushed tone. I nod, confirming that, yes, I screwed up.

  “I’m sorry, Jessica.”

  “You don’t have to be sorry, Ryan. I told you to see her. I have no one to blame but myself.”

  I pull her to me and hold her in my arms. I don’t know why I can’t be in love with her so deeply that she’s the only one I see. She’s perfect for me and maybe that’s the problem. Maybe I don’t need perfect. I need crazy and wild. I need the opposite of who I am to keep me grounded.

  Jessica pulls away, but stays close to me. “I didn’t want to watch you, but as soon as I saw her turn those fans away I knew she was changing for you.”

  I nod because after watching Hadley do that, knowing what it could cost her, it showed me that she’s willing to make us work. “It’s not as simple as turning away some fans though. You know that my problems with her stem from her tours. She was always gone, and that’s not what I want out of life.”

  “I know, but I also know you have a connection. You’ve been good to me, Ryan, the best, in some cases. You’re sweet, personable and very good-looking, but your heart belongs to another.”

  I blush at her compliments and chide myself at same time. I don’t deserve them. “My heart belongs to you too and I don’t know what to do.”

  “Ah, sounds like you’re in a pickle.”

  I laugh hard at her baseball terminology, but she’s right. I have Jessica on one base and Hadley on another with me running in between them not sure which way I should go. The funny part, one would choose the safest route, and that would be Jessica, not Hadley.

  I pick up her hand and hold it mine. “I don’t want to hurt you, Jessica. It’s the last thing I want to do, but I’m really off kilter here. I didn’t mean to kiss Hadley last night, but I also wouldn’t take it back.”

  “I know, Ryan. I’m not blaming you. I knew when I told you to give her a chance that this could be the outcome. I’m not stupid, but I’m also not willing to be someone’s second best. With you, I was guaranteed to be second whether you thought that way or not. From the first day we met, you found a way to slip Hadley into the conversation. I don’t know if you were doing it subconsciously or what, but I never questioned your devotion to her.”

  “She’s all I’ve known.”

  “I know, and maybe you guys needed a year apart to figure out your lives. If I do remember correctly, she started performing at a young age and spent her teen years in a tour bus. She probably missed a lot of that growing up part.”

  I nod because it’s true. Ian had her touring so much that she missed everything. Eventually, she started dating Cole until he cheated on her. She went through a very public break-up with him that caused a lot of untrue and very nasty rumors to surface.

  “I’m going to make a decision for you, Ryan, because honestly I don’t think you know what you want. I’m going to break things off. If you can’t work things out with Hadley, give me a call. I know all your baggage and while my feelings may be hurt, when I commit to a man, I need to be his number one.”

  Jessica stands, leaving me stunned by her words. Somehow I’m able to rise to my feet and walk her to the door. She sets my key, which is already off her keychain, on the hall table. She was going to break up with me today, regardless.

  I pull her into my arms before she steps out into the hallway. “I’m sorry, Jessica.”

  “I know, Ryan.”

  I cup her face gently and place my lips to hers. The spark I thought I had with her is no longer there, and only images of Hadley flash behind my closed eyelids.

  “Bye, Jessica.” She nods, but doesn’t say anything as she closes the door. I lean against the wall and slide down, holding my head in my hands. One would think I have a clear path to pursue Hadley, but I don’t. I’m not convinced that Hadley and I should be together or if we’ll even work. There are things that I want and need from her and vice versa.

  I know we’re going to have to compromise, and for me it will mostly revolve around her touring. If we’re going to be together, things have to change. I won’t go back to how things were and New York isn’t an option.

  I stand and walk over to my window, looking out over the street. It’s lined with cars; people are home for the weekend. There has to be something downtown that we can visit and be tourists together. I pull out my phone and call Hadley.

  “Hey.”

  “Want to be a tourist today?”

  She giggles. “I am a tourist right now.”

  “Meet me downtown in fifteen minutes. We’re going to go on the duck boat.” I don’t give her a chance to respond before hanging up. If we’re going to work, I need her to love Boston as much as I do.

  Today should be one of the happiest days of my life. It’s a slight exaggeration but it’s supposed to be important, nonetheless. When Ryan called and asked me to be a tourist, I had far greater expectations than sitting in a public restroom puking my guts out. Who knew I got seasick? Definitely not Ryan or he wouldn’t have suggested this godforsaken duck tour.

  We kissed the other night at the ballgame, but I’m not sure he meant to. Call it the heat of the moment, in the action and whatnot. His demeanor toward me has been lukewarm at best, and I know he’s just simply appeasing me until I decide to return to New York or restart my tour. He knows me too well.

  I rinse my mouth with the tepid water from the faucet and drag myself out of the restroom. Ryan is standing against a tree, his legs crossed at his ankles and he’s looking at his phone. I’ve told myself that I can’t be jealous of his girlfriend. I put him i
n that situation, and it’s something I have to accept. I’m just incredibly thankful that he wants to spend time with me. I don’t deserve it.

  My steps are staggered, and I feel like I’ve been run over by a diesel truck minus the tire treads. Ryan looks up and pockets his phone, his smile bright and welcoming. I wish that alone were enough to ease my stomach.

  “Are you feeling okay? You look a little green.”

  I shake my head but have to stop and close my eyes to keep my equilibrium intact. “As much as I want to be here, Ryan, I need to go back to my hotel.”

  “Okay, let’s get a cab.” Ryan places his arm around me, and I mold to his side, resting my head between his shoulder and chest. I’ve missed this and hate knowing he’s only doing it because I’m sick. Once we’re inside, he pulls me to him. I’m fighting the hope that’s building that this means more than it does, but my heart is screaming at me to accept it, to run with it. Sadly, if I did that I’d probably get five steps away before he cuts me off or reminds me that he has a girlfriend.

  I close my eyes for the duration of the cab ride. The stop-and-go motion isn’t helping my queasiness at all. The driver comes to a screeching halt making me so thankful that we’re out of this metal contraption. Now only an elevator ride and I’m home free.

  “I’ll pay you back for the cab ride,” I mumble as we walk through the lobby. It hasn’t escaped my notice that the paparazzi haven’t been around today. Maybe someone more famous is in town, garnering all their attention. Whatever it may be, I’m thankful that I’m not being caught looking the way I do.

  Ryan rifles through my purse to find my hotel key while I stand against the wall with my hands on my knees, bent at the waist. To say I’m pissed at myself would be an understatement. He calls to take me out and this happens. I know our days together are probably few and far between, and I need to make the most of the days that he’s offering. Today was a total fail.

  “Let’s get you into bed.” Ryan picks me up and cradles me to his chest, kicking the door shut behind us. Any other time, I’d say this is romantic. I’m just grateful that I don’t have to walk.

  “I need some water.”

  “I’ll get it for you, don’t worry. I won’t leave you.” I pretend that his words aren’t phasing me, but the truth is that my heart is now beating so fast I’m sure he can hear it. He sets me down gently on the bed and quickly works to remove my shoes.

  “Where are your pajamas?”

  “In the bathroom, I’ll get them,” I say, attempting to stand. I have to hang onto the bed, but I’m determined to make it there before him.

  “I’ll do it, Hadley, just lie down.” Ryan sidesteps me and beats me to the bathroom. I accept the inevitable and sit down. When he comes out, he’s holding his t-shirt and boxers. I try to smile, but it turns more into a smirk.

  “I missed you; they made me feel close to you.” I shrug. Ryan’s grin is small, but I see it. I try not to see too much in that smile and just relish in the fact that he’s here, helping me out. He could’ve bailed by now.

  “Um… I’ll just let you change.”

  I nod, remembering the last time I was sick he did everything for me. We even soaked in our garden tub until the water ran cold. Not this time though. I sigh when the bedroom door clicks leaving me surrounded by silence. I hate the quiet. I change as quickly as my body allows me to move. I’m feeling better than I was, but still very queasy.

  Ryan knocks just as I slip his t-shirt over my head. “Come in.”

  The door opens and Ryan steps in with a tray of food. I look at him questioningly. “Where did you get that?”

  “Room service.”

  “I’m aware of that, but they’re never this fast.”

  “I ordered it online. It’s just soup and some toast, nothing much until we know you can keep it down,” he says, walking over to my nightstand and positioning the tray so it doesn’t fall. “In you go.” Ryan pulls back my comforter and holds out his hand.

  Reluctantly, I put my hand in his, but stall. “This is not how I wanted our day to be,” I say with nothing but melancholy in my voice. This is absolutely the worst date ever. Ryan arranges my pillows so I can sit up and tucks the blankets in around me. He’s acting like a father. I suppose that’s all I’m going to get because I don’t deserve any more.

  Ryan sits next to me and hands me my cup of soup. I don’t want to do this with him. Not like this.

  “You can go, Ryan. I can manage. I’ve been doing it for a year now.” The second the words are out of my mouth I’m looking away. I chance a look at him and see indifference.

  “You can’t do this alone, and that’s not why I’m here.”

  “Yes, I can,” I stick out my chin in defiance.

  “No, you can’t,” he says, turning to face me. “For the past five years I’ve been there and when I wasn’t, you had Alex. I’m not saying it’s a bad thing, but when you think about it, you don’t do anything by yourself.”

  I roll my eyes. “That’s not true. I went sightseeing the other day.”

  “That’s good. You should get out and see Boston. I love it here, and I’d love it…” Ryan shakes his head.

  “What were you going to say?”

  “Nothing. Please eat.” He motions to the soup sitting in front of me. As much as I don’t want to, I take a sip and let the warm broth cure my ailment. Ryan sits on the edge of my bed, his arms resting on his knees. I hate that he’s not looking at me, but I did that. Once again, I’ve screwed things up.

  “I’m sorry, Ryan.”

  Ryan sits up and rubs his hands on his shorts. “Don’t be sorry for something you meant. We broke up, Hadley, and now here we are. Things are awkward and feelings are in the way. We left a lot of stuff unsaid and if we want to get past this, we need to talk it out.” Ryan stands, walking over to the wall and leaning against it.

  “I love you, Hadley. I have for a long time, but when you put your career in front of us, something had to give. I know you can probably say the same thing about me, but I refuse to be a kept man. I don’t like the way it feels. I want to work and provide a home. I don’t want a wife who is doing it all while I sit around and watch TV. That’s not me.

  “I asked you to marry me and every time a date was set, it changed because of a tour or a new album. It was always something, and I couldn’t live like that. I can’t live like that. I accepted your job from day one, that’s never been a problem. What I can’t accept is a wife who is never home, who goes on year-long tours and expects to raise children on a tour bus.”

  Tears fall as Ryan finishes telling me everything that he wants. There’s nothing to dispute; he’s right about everything. I just didn’t know he was right until it was too late. It took the birth of Alex and Cole’s daughter to open my eyes. Seeing my best friend with her baby really made me stop and think.

  Ryan clears his throat. “I know I said I didn’t want children right now, but since Dylan had her daughter, I think I’ve changed my mind. No, I know I have, but I can’t do that with you unless you’re willing to stop touring so much. It’s the tours that kill me, Hadley, not the music. Not the paparazzi or your recording schedule. It’s the tours that take eight months or over a year. You’re Hadley Carter, America’s Pop Princess – give America a break and stay home, enjoy life. No one is going to fault you for wanting to settle down. They’ll all still be there.”

  “I understand,” I mumble through my tears. Ryan steps forward and kisses my forehead.

  “I’ll call you tomorrow.”

  With that, he walks out of my room. I sob the moment the door to my hotel room shuts because I’m not so sure he’ll call tomorrow or if I’ll ever see him again.

  It’s been two days since I last saw Hadley. I didn’t call her like I said I would. I couldn’t bring myself to. It’s not that I didn’t want to talk to her or even see her, I just couldn’t do it. When I left her in her hotel room, I heard her break down and it took everything in me to keep walking. Had I
gone back, I would’ve most likely done something I’m not ready for or sent her the wrong message. As much as I love her, I’m not sure being together is the answer. It would be too easy to fall back into the same pattern. I have no doubt the initial return of us would be explosive and sensational, but what happens when the newness wears off and we’re back to facing the same issues? What happens if she doesn’t like Boston as much as I do and is adamant we return to New York, or worse, we end up divorced because of it? I can’t have that. When I marry, I want it to be until death do us part. I know the statistics on celebrity marriages, and they don’t bode well.

  My phone mocks me, and I find myself looking at it every few minutes. My hand twitches as if it knows I want to call her, but I can’t. The pile of contracts in front of me that need to be reviewed can and will take me all day. I need to focus on my job and not whether or not I’m going to rekindle my love affair with Hadley Carter.

  I rub my hands over my face, groaning with each pass over.

  “Tough day?”

  I look up to find Jessica standing in my doorway, her arm full of folders. “Hey you,” I say, hoping that she and I are on the good side of things. She walks in and sits in front of my desk. A week ago, she would’ve walked over to where I’m sitting, but things have changed. I take her in, study her for a moment. She doesn’t look upset or even angry with me.

  “I’m good, Ryan.”

  “That’s good,” I reply as I lean back in my chair. “I’m really –“

  She holds up her hand to stop me. “You don’t have to say you’re sorry. I’ve known for a while that you still loved her. It’s hard to forget that first love, the one that is so powerful it consumes you fully. Someday I hope to have those feelings for someone, and I think you’re both incredibly lucky to have found each other.”

  My lips press into a thin line as I shake my head. This woman, the one in front of me, is beyond amazing. I wish I had met her at a different time in my life. Thing is though, I’ve only known Hadley.