Desire

by Mariella Frostrup

  What he heard mattered most to him now: the sounds of gasps and moans, rubs and slaps, threats and promises, cries and whispers (like the old Bergman movie, only in English not Swedish, so the dubbed edition he had once to his horror booked by mistake at his theater and had to pull midway through the first show before giving refunds), the whole song and dance or even symphony of love; as clichéd as that sounded, that’s what it had become to him, a score with themes, arias and recitatives, always unique but always, too, a reinterpretation of something invented eons ago, culminating – in their house, anyway – with a woman shouting “Shem!” and then “Gore!”, though Gore wondered if Annabel said it now the way a performer repeats a corny catchphrase out of obligation or compassion, just to please her fans, the same way, he wondered, they let him sit in their room now or let him stay in their house at all, for old times’ sake, as they wouldn’t have been able to put a dying dog down.

  He was being too harsh, at least about himself, for tonight would take him somewhere new. Gore’s sight had always been essential to him, especially since his wife’s death; but maybe it had really been an impediment, a shield, a screen in itself. Tonight, after the party, in their bedroom, using only his imagination, he saw not just Annabel and Shem but himself and Liesel, and himself and every other woman he had been with and every other couple (or trio! Or more!) who had ever loved each other. In the dark, for the first time in years and the last time of his life, he felt a physical reaction, an arousal rising in and on him, the way they say souls of the living rise at the instant that they die. As Annabel and Shem finished – or pretended to, for him, another anniversary gift? – he melded with all humanity, as he had always wished to do but from a distance; and, no longer detached, he joined all the people who had ever seen others or been seen by the rapt and staring eyes in the frowning face of the earth.

  Burning Desire

  From FANNY HILL

  John Cleland

  John Cleland was born into an old Scottish family and educated at Westminster School in London. Travelling extensively abroad, he returned to London, knowing financial hardship upon his father’s death. He eked out a precarious existence as a freelance literary journalist, occasionally slipping into serious debt. Indeed, when he put the finishing touches to Memoirs of a Woman of Pleasure (1748/9), now more popularly known as Fanny Hill, it was apparently from the inside of a debtor’s gaol. His book became a bestseller, and despite being hauled up before the Privy Council for indecency, he was eventually awarded a generous life-long annuity by the government of the day.

  There are not, on earth at least, eternal griefs; mine were, if not at an end, at least suspended: my heart, which had been so long overloaded with anguish and vexation, began to dilate and open to the least gleam of diversion or amusement. I wept a little, and my tears relieved me; I sighed, and my sighs seemed to lighten me of a load that oppressed me; my countenance grew, if not cheerful, at least more composed and free.

  Mr. H..., who had watched, perhaps brought on this change, knew too well not to seize it; he thrust the table imperceptibly from between us, and bringing his chair to face me, he soon began, after preparing me by all the endearments of assurances and protestations, to lay hold of my hands, to kiss me, and once more to make free with my bosom, which, being at full liberty from the disorder of a loose dishabille, now panted and throbbed, less with indignation than with fear and bashfulness at being used so familiarly by still a stranger. But he soon gave me greater occasion to exclaim, by stooping down and slipping his hand above my garters: thence he strove to regain the pass, which he had before found so open, and unguarded: but now he could not unlock the twist of my thighs; I gently complained, and begged him to let me alone; told him I was now well. However, as he saw there was more form and ceremony in my resistance than good earnest, he made his conditions for desisting from pursuing his point that I should be put instantly to bed, whilst he gave certain orders to the landlady, and that he would return in an hour, when he hoped to find me more reconciled to his passion for me than I seemed at present. I neither assented nor denied, but my air and manner of receiving this proposal gave him to see that I did not think myself enough my own mistress to refuse it.

  Accordingly he went out and left me, when, a minute or two after, before I could recover myself into any composure for thinking, the maid came in with her mistress’s service, and a small silver porringer of what she called a bridal posset, and desired me to eat it as I went to bed, which consequently I did, and felt immediately a heat, a fire run like a hue-and-cry through every part of my body; I burnt, I glowed, and wanted even little of wishing for any man.

  The maid, as soon as I was lain down, took the candle away, and wishing me a good night, went out of the room and shut the door after her.

  She had hardly time to get down-stairs before Mr. H... opened my room-door softly, and came in, now undressed in his night-gown and cap, with two lighted wax candles, and bolting the door, gave me, though I expected him, some sort of alarm. He came a tip-toe to the bed-side, and said with a gentle whisper: “Pray, my dear, do not be startled... I will be very tender and kind to you.” He then hurried off his clothes, and leaped into bed, having given me openings enough, whilst he was stripping, to observe his brawny structure, strong-made limbs, and rough shaggy breast.

  The bed shook again when it received this new load. He lay on the outside, where he kept the candles burning, no doubt for the satisfaction of every sense; for as soon as he had kissed me, he rolled down the bed-clothes, and seemed transported with the view of all my person at full length, which he covered with a profusion of kisses, sparing no part of me. Then, being on his knees between my legs, he drew up his shirt and bared all his hairy thighs, and stiff staring truncheon, red-topped and rooted into a thicket of curls, which covered his belly to the navel and gave it the air of a flesh brush; and soon I felt it joining close to mine, when he had drove the nail up to the head, and left no partition but the intermediate hair on both sides.

  I had it now, I felt it now, and, beginning to drive, he soon gave nature such a powerful summons down to her favourite quarters, that she could no longer refuse repairing thither; all my animal spirits then rushed mechanically to that centre of attraction, and presently, inly warmed, and stirred as I was beyond bearing, I lost all restraint, and yielding to the force of the emotion, gave down, as mere woman, those effusions of pleasure, which, in the strictness of still faithful love, I could have wished to have held up.

  Yet oh! What an immense difference did I feel between this impression of a pleasure merely animal, and struck out of the collision of the sexes by a passive bodily effect, from that sweet fury, that rage of active delight which crowns the enjoyments of a mutual love-passion, where two hearts, tenderly and truly united, club to exalt the joy, and give it a spirit and soul that bids defiance to that end which mere momentary desires generally terminate in, when they die of a surfeit of satisfaction!

  Mr. H..., whom no distinctions of that sort seemed to disturb, scarce gave himself or me breathing time from the last encounter, but, as if he had task ed himself to prove that the appearances of his vigour were not signs hung out in vain, in a few minutes he was in a condition for renewing the onset; to which, preluding with a storm of kisses, he drove the same course as before, with unabated fervour; and thus, in repeated engagements, kept me constantly in exercise till dawn of morning; in all which time he made me fully sensible of the virtues of his firm texture of limbs, his square shoulders, broad chest, compact hard muscles, in short a system of manliness that might pass for no bad image of our ancient sturdy barons, when they wielded the battle-axe: whose race is now so thoroughly refined and frittered away into the more delicate and modern-built frame of our pap-nerved softlings, who are as pale, as pretty, and almost as masculine as their sisters.

  Mr. H..., content, however, with having the day break upon his triumphs, delivered me up to the refreshment of a rest we both wanted, and we soon dropped into a profound sle
ep.

  Though he was some time awake before me, yet did he not offer to disturb a repose he had given me so much occasion for; but on my first stirring, which was not till past ten o’clock, I was obliged to endure one more trial of his manhood.

  About eleven, in came Mrs. Jones, with two basins of the richest soup, which her experience in these matters had moved her to prepare. I pass over the fulsome compliments, the cant of the decent procuress, with which she saluted us both; but though my blood rose at the sight of her, I suppressed my emotions, and gave all my concern to reflections on what would be the consequence of this new engagement.

  But Mr. H..., who penetrated my uneasiness, did not long suffer me to languish under it. He acquainted me that, having taken a solid sincere affection to me, he would begin by giving me one leading mark of it by removing me out of a house which must, for many reasons, be irksome and disagreeable to me, into convenient lodgings, where he would take all imaginable care of me; and desiring me not to have any explanations with my landlady, or be impatient till he returned, he dressed and went out, having left me a purse with two and twenty guineas in it, being all he had about him, as he expressed it, to keep my pocket till further supplies.

  As soon as he was gone, I felt the usual consequence of the first launch into vice (for my love-attachment to Charles never appeared to me in that light). I was instantly borne away down the stream, without making back to the shore. My dreadful necessities, my gratitude, and above all, to say the plain truth, the dissipation and diversion I began to find, in this new acquaintance, from the black corroding thoughts my heart had been a prey to ever since the absence of my dear Charles, concurred to stun all contrary reflections. If I now thought of my first, my only charmer, it was still with the tenderness and regret of the fondest love, embittered with the consciousness that I was no longer worthy of him. I could have begged my bread with him all over the world, but wretch that I was, I had neither the virtue nor courage requisite not to outlive my separation from him!

  Yet, had not my heart been thus pre-engaged, Mr. H... might probably have been the sole master of it; but the place was full, and the force of conjunctures alone had made him the possessor of my person; the charms of which had, by the bye, been his sole object and passion, and were, of course, no foundation for a love either very delicate or very durable.

  He did not return till six in the evening to take me away to my new lodgings; and my moveables being soon packed, and conveyed into a hackney-coach, it cost me but little regret to take my leave of a landlady whom I thought I had so much reason not to be overpleased with; and as for her part, she made no other difference to my staying or going, but what that of the profit created.

  We soon got to the house appointed for me, which was that of a plain tradesman who, on the score of interest, was entirely at Mr. H...’s devotion, and who let him the first floor, very genteelly furnished, for two guineas a week, of which I was instated mistress, with a maid to attend me.

  He stayed with me that evening, and we had a supper from a neighbouring tavern, after which, and a gay glass or two, the maid put me to bed. Mr. H... soon followed, and notwithstanding the fatigues of the preceding night, I found no quarter nor remission from him: he piqued himself, as he told me, on doing the honours of my new apartment.

  The morning being pretty well advanced, we got to breakfast; and the ice now broke, my heart, no longer engrossed by love, began to take ease, and to please itself with such trifles as Mr. H...’s liberal liking led him to make his court to the usual vanity of our sex. Silks, laces, ear-rings, pearl-necklace, gold watch, in short, all the trinkets and articles of dress were lavishly heaped upon me; the sense of which, if it did not create returns of love, forced a kind of grateful fondness something like love; a distinction it would be spoiling the pleasure of nine tenths of the keepers in the town to make, and is, I suppose, the very good reason why so few of them ever do make it.

  I was now established the kept mistress in form, well lodged, with a very sufficient allowance, and lighted up with all the lustre of dress.

  Mr. H... continued kind and tender to me; yet, with all this, I was far from happy; for, besides my regret for my dear youth, which, though often suspended or diverted, still returned upon me in certain melancholic moments with redoubled violences, I wanted more society, more dissipation.

  As to Mr. H..., he was so much my superior in every sense, that I felt it too much to the disadvantage of the gratitude I owed him. Thus he gained my esteem, though he could not raise my taste; I was qualified for no sort of conversation with him except one sort, and that is a satisfaction which leaves tiresome intervals, if not filled up by love, or other amusements.

  Mr. H..., so experienced, so learned in the ways of women, numbers of whom had passed through his hands, doubtless soon perceived this uneasiness, and without approving or liking me the better for it, had the complaisance to indulge me. He made suppers at my lodgings, where he brought several companions of his pleasures, with their mistresses; and by this means I got into a circle of acquaintance that soon stripped me of all the remains of bashfulness and modesty which might be yet left of my country education, and were, to a just taste, perhaps the greatest of my charms.

  We visited one another in form, and mimicked, as near as we could, all the miseries, the follies, and impertinences of the women of quality, in the round of which they trifle away their time, without its ever entering into their little heads that on earth there cannot subsist any thing more silly, more flat, more insipid and worthless, than, generally considered, their system of life is: they ought to treat the men as their tyrants, indeed! were they to condemn them to it.

  But though, amongst the kept mistresses (and I was now acquainted with a good many, besides some useful matrons, who live by their connexions with them), I hardly knew one that did not perfectly detest her keeper, and, of course, made little or no scruple of any infidelity she could safely accomplish, I had still no notion of wronging mine; for, besides that no mark of jealousy on his side induced in me the desire or gave me the provocation to play him a trick of that sort, and that his constant generosity, politeness, and tender attentions to please me forced a regard to him, that without affecting my heart, insured him my fidelity, no object had yet presented that could overcome the habitual liking I had contracted for him; and I was on the eve of obtaining, from the movements of his own voluntary generosity, a modest provision for life, when an accident happened which broke all the measures he had resolved upon in my favour.

  I had now lived near seven months with Mr. H..., when one day returning to my lodgings from a visit in the neighbourhood, where I used to stay longer, I found the street door open, and the maid of the house standing at it, talking with some of her acquaintances, so that I came in without knocking; and, as I passed by, she told me Mr. H... was above. I stepped up-stairs into my own bed-chamber, with no other thought than of pulling off my hat, etc., and then to wait upon him in the dining room, into which my bed-chamber had a door, as is common enough. Whilst I was untying my hat-strings, I fancied I heard my maid Hannah’s voice and a sort of tussle, which raising my curiosity, I stole softly to the door, where a knot in the wood had been slipped out and afforded a very commanding peep-hole to the scene then in agitation, the actors of which had been too earnestly employed to hear my opening my own door, from the landing-place of the stairs, into my bed-chamber.

  The first sight that struck me was Mr. H... pulling and hauling this coarse country strammel towards a couch that stood in a corner of the dining room; to which the girl made only a sort of awkward boidening resistance, crying out so loud, that I, who listened at the door, could scarce hear her: “Pray sir, don’t..., let me alone... I am not for your turn... You cannot, sure, demean yourself with such a poor body as I... Lord! Sir, my mistress may come home... I must not indeed... I will cry out...” All of which did not hinder her from insensibly suffering herself to be brought to the foot of the couch, upon which a push of no mighty violen
ce served to give her a very easy fall, and my gentleman having got up his hands to the strong-hold of her Virtue, she, no doubt, thought it was time to give up the argument, and that all further defence would be in vain: and he, throwing her petticoats over her face, which was now as red as scarlet, discovered a pair of stout, plump, substantial thighs, and tolerably white; he mounted them round his hips, and coming out with his drawn weapon, stuck it in the cloven spot, where he seemed to find a less difficult entrance than perhaps he had flattered himself with (for, by the way, this blouse had left her place in the country, for a bastard), and, indeed, all his motions shew’d he was lodged pretty much at large. After he had done, his Deare gets up, drops her petticoats down, and smooths her apron and handkerchief. Mr. H... looked a little silly, and taking out some money, gave it her, with an air indifferent enough, bidding her be a good girl, and say nothing.

  Had I loved this man, it was not in nature for me to have had patience to see the whole scene through: I should have broke in and played the jealous princess with a vengeance. But that was not the case, my pride alone was hurt, my heart not, and I could easier win upon myself to see how far he would go, till I had no uncertainty upon my conscience.

  The least delicate of all affairs of this sort being now over, I retired softly into my closet, where I began to consider what I should do. My first scheme, naturally, was to rush in and upbraid them; this, indeed, flattered my present emotions and vexations, as it would have given immediate vent to them; but, on second thoughts, not being so clear as to the consequences to be apprehended from such a step, I began to doubt whether it was not better to dissemble my discovery till a safer season, when Mr. H... should have perfected the settlement he had made overtures to me of, and which I was not to think such a violent explanation, as I was indeed not equal to the management of, could possibly forward, and might destroy. On the other hand, the provocation seemed too gross, too flagrant, not to give me some thoughts of revenge; the very start of which idea restored me to perfect composure; and delighted as I was with the confused plan of it in my head, I was easily mistress enough of myself to support the part of ignorance I had prescribed to myself; and as all this circle of reflections was instantly over, I stole a tip-toe to the passage door, and opening it with a noise, passed for having that moment come home; and after a short pause, as if to pull off my things, I opened the door into the dining room, where I found the dowdy blowing the fire, and my faithful shepherd walking about the room and whistling, as cool and unconcerned as if nothing had happened. I think, however, he had not much to brag of having out-dissembled me: for I kept up, nobly, the character of our sex for art, and went up to him with the same air of frankness as I had ever received him. He stayed but a little while, made some excuse for not being able to stay the evening with me, and went out.