by Anne Carol
“I’ll be right behind you.”
As I walked along the stretcher with the paramedics, I felt like I was leaving part of myself behind, but I knew there was only so much room in the ambulance. David said he’d arrange for the band’s driver to take him and Garrick to the hospital.
My stomach clenched as I crawled into the emergency vehicle. Onlookers surrounded the scene, and chills ran down my spine as they stared at me. I’d almost forgotten I was still wearing my cocktail dress. Great, I have to worry about crazy fans, too. It was no wonder David wanted our bodyguard with us at the hospital. With Garrick along, it was one less thing to worry about. All I could do was pray for my baby girl that her airways would open up soon.
God, please make her well. And give me and David peace. David was a basket case now, I was sure of it. I wish he was here with me.
“Your husband’s in a band?” one of the EMTs asked.
“Yeah,” I said, not in the mood for a conversation about Vinyl Fog.
“That’s cool.” He glanced at Christine as he held the breathing tube. “Does he smoke?”
I squirmed at his direct question. “Unfortunately. Why?”
“I apologize for bringing it up. I could smell it on his clothes. Make sure he’s not smoking around the baby. That won’t help her condition.”
I stiffened. Oh, David. I didn’t want to be angry with him, and had no intention of tossing blame at him, but I’d asked him to quit numerous times. Not only was he damaging his lungs, but the secondhand smoke wasn’t good for Christine or me. I thought he’d been weaning himself off at home, but now that we were on tour, he was actually getting worse. It had to be his way of avoiding other temptations. What was I supposed to do when he’d overcome so much? I hated nagging him for yet another addiction, but maybe…
“What exactly is her condition?” I asked.
“It sounds like croup. The doctor will diagnose for sure. Has she been sick?”
“She’s had a cold for over a week, but I thought she was getting better.”
“Sometimes the airways get inflamed during a cold. The nebulizer, scary as it looks, gives her medicine that’ll open them up.”
“How long will she be hooked up to that?” It looked like life support, which was traumatic to witness.
“On and off until her breathing returns to normal. Triage knows we’re bringing an infant in, so the doctor will treat her as soon as we get there.”
I let out a long breath. “Oh, I’m so glad the babysitter called you.”
The driver spoke up. “We’re almost here, ma’am.”
I rubbed the back of Christine’s hand and stroked her hair. “You’re going to feel better real soon, baby girl. These men are all helping you.” She blinked her eyes a few times while she looked at me drowsily. Seeing her breath easier allowed me to relax and even smile.
When we arrived at the ER, the EMT helped me down, with the stretcher following. They quickly wheeled Christine into the open back door of the hospital. Face after face watched with curiosity as I passed through the emergency wing. They probably didn’t recognize me, but my outfit drew attention, no doubt. Wonder when David will get here. I wanted him with me; to have him hold me.
A silver-haired man with a name tag reading “Jeremy Pope” appeared around the curtain holding a clipboard. He glanced back and forth between Christine and the clipboard, and then greeted me with a quick introduction. His apparent age and assumed experience eased my mind. As he began his exam, he asked standard questions about her symptoms: what were they and how long she’d had them. He also asked about vaccinations, and I assured him she was up on her shots. I silently scolded myself for not grabbing her medical file before leaving the hotel room.
Just then, a commotion sounded from outside the room, accompanied by a familiar male voice. “My wife and daughter are in there. Please.” In the next second, David—still donning his evening suit—came charging into the room and didn’t stop until he was beside our daughter. He gave me a side hug and kissed my temple.
“How are my girls?”
“Better, I think,” I mumbled, looking to the doctor.
Dr. Pope gave David a double-take, but then continued right along with business. “We’ve given your daughter a mild steroid through the mask, along with adrenaline, which will relieve the spasm and swelling of the air passage.”
“Will she be admitted?” David asked.
“We’d like to keep her until morning, just to make sure her breathing returns to normal.”
“Of course. Whatever you think is best.” He leaned over and whispered to Christine, and she smiled for the first time in ages and even reached up to touch his nose. “That’s my girl.” Recalling what the EMT had said about the cigarette smell on David’s clothes, I casually drew him back from her.
He must have thought I needed a hug because he took me in his arms and held me. “It’ll be all right, love.” He kissed my forehead again and turned toward the doctor, who was jotting something down on the clipboard. “How do we care for her once she’s released?”
“The nurse will give you instructions before we release her, but basically moist air, lots of fluids, rest, and comfort. Keep her away from secondhand smoke, too.” He eyed David.
David bit his lip and shifted about. “Yes, of course.”
The doctor walked out, and David stared at the ground. His face went pale. I knew the doctor’s comment must have hit him hard. Good. “Why are you looking at me like that?” he asked.
“Like what?”
“Like this is somehow my fault.”
“David, of course this isn’t your fault, but you heard what he said about secondhand smoke. It’s sure not doing her any favors. I mean, her cold has been lingering quite a while. And now this.” I gestured to the hospital bed.
He swore under his breath. “So you are blaming me.”
“Not for her cold. I’m sure she picked that up somewhere along the line. But you continue to smoke even though I’ve asked you to quit.”
He ran his hands through his hair and looked at me with desperate eyes. “Beth—”
“In fact, you should change out of those clothes. The one paramedic said he could smell it on you.” Beth, go easy on him, my conscience reminded me.
His eyes grew wide, and he looked away. “Garrick has our clothes. I brought a set for each of us. I’ll go change.” He sounded defeated, making me regret my harsh words.
“Thanks,” I said in a softer tone. “When you get back, I’ll change.”
He glanced from me to Christine and back again, then stalked past me with his hand gripping the back of his neck. Christine’s eyes followed David and her face crumpled like she was going to cry. I stroked her forehead. “He’ll be back soon. Just try to sleep, baby.”
She only continued to fuss, and I wondered if she was hungry or needed a fresh diaper. Thankfully I’d remembered to bring her diaper bag along. I buzzed the nurse to help me change her since I didn’t want to disturb the breathing tube. Once in a dry diaper, Christine seemed to relax but remained awake.
A few minutes later, David returned, wearing a Vinyl Fog T-shirt and black jeans. He handed me a bag without saying anything and headed straight for Christine.
“Hi, baby.” He tapped her cheek. “Why aren’t you asleep?”
“I think she might be hungry. I’ll nurse her after I change and call my parents.”
“You’re phoning your parents?”
“Yeah, I thought they’d want to know what’s going on. You should call yours, too. We need prayers.”
“Of course.” His shoulders drooped. “Hey, take Garrick with you.” I nodded. David wouldn’t let me go anywhere in public without Garrick anymore. Not after the paparazzi incident near our home in London.
Finally in my T-shirt and jeans, I decided to drop by the hospital chapel on my way to the phone booth. With everything swirling in my mind, I needed God’s comfort and strength before I could decide where I was going from here.
Because, frankly, being on the road with no help and a needy baby was killing me.
Beth was angry with me. She even blamed me for Christine’s illness. I stared at my little girl, now with the nebulizer removed, and choked back tears.
“I’m so sorry, baby,” I said, stroking the top of her head, where dark wisps of hair grew. “If this is in any way Daddy’s fault, I’m sorry.”
What if it was my fault? I’d been so careful, not smoking around her, but I’d given no thought to the fact my skin and clothing reeked of tobacco. I should have quit when Beth got pregnant. I need to quit, I need to quit now.
It was a frightening thought. I’d already given up alcohol, and giving up smokes was like stepping off a cliff, but when I looked at my innocent child, I knew I had to. I’d do anything for her, however impossible it seemed.
Oh, Lord, help me. I can’t do this alone.
A nurse stepped into the room just then, and I quickly wiped away my tears. The small, dark-haired woman barely flinched when she looked at me. Apparently she was not a follower of current British bands. Thank goodness.
“Miss, can you tell me what causes croup?” I asked.
“It’s a virus, spread much like a cold.” She put her stethoscope to Christine’s chest.
When she was finished, I asked, “So being around a smoker doesn’t cause croup?”
“No, but being near a smoker can make the symptoms linger.”
“I should quit then,” I said, more to myself than to her.
“For the sake of your health and your family’s, yes. There are some great programs out there.”
I nodded. “Thanks,” I read her name tag, “Betsy.”
She smiled and then gestured to Christine. “She’s doing much better. One more breathing treatment, and then the doctor will re-examine her. I need to see my next patient, but let us know if you need anything.”
A miracle. That’s what I need. I pulled the chair closer and held Christine’s hand while I sat and prayed.
Beth appeared minutes later, just about the time Christine starting whimpering. She was probably tired and hungry. I was feeling that way myself. It was early in the morning now, and we’d been awake for almost twenty hours.
“You look more comfortable.” Beth was now wearing regular clothes. “How are you, sweet girl?” I asked, standing up and putting my arm around her.
“Just tired. Confused.” She reached into the hospital crib and picked up Christine.
“Confused?” I dropped my arm and turned to face her. “About what?”
She sat down, yawning as she prepared to nurse. “I called my parents. They’re on their way down.”
“They’re driving down here?” My voice rose.
“Yeah. They were worried, and I guess grandparent instincts kicked in.” Beth stared down at Christine, who was making little noises as she nursed. “There you go. You were hungry, weren’t you?”
“So what are you confused about exactly?” I swallowed hard.
She paused and looked up at me. “Don’t get mad, but I’m thinking of going back with them, taking Christine off the tour for a while.”
My stomach crashed. No. “Are you punishing me?” I clenched my teeth.
“No, why would you say that?”
I took a seat beside her and put my face in my hands. “Beth, please don’t do this. We have less than two months, and we’ll be in Northern California soon.” My eyes watered, against my wishes, and my insides ached.
“David, she needs to be in one place while she gets better. I don’t want to drag a sick baby from town to town. And with no help, it’s tiring.”
“We can get someone to help you.”
“No. It’s not just about needing help. I want her to get well and stay well. This episode scared me.”
“You don’t want her around me while I still smoke.”
She breathed out. “David…”
“Just admit it already.”
“Look, I’m not thrilled about her being around smokers, no, but it’s mostly the crazy schedule and toting her all over the place. You said yourself you worried about me getting sick.”
Tears were now dripping down my face. “I can’t be away from you and Christine.”
She sighed. “I’m sorry. How about just a month? We can join you at the end of the tour.”
“I can’t be away from you for a week, let alone a month. You’re cruel for even thinking this.”
Her face grew red. “How dare you say that? Don’t you care about me? About your daughter? Or are you just thinking of yourself?”
I didn’t know how to respond. The thought of her leaving was like having the air sucked out of my lungs. I needed that nebulizer now. Every negative emotion slammed me at once: depression, anger, resentment, regret, and frustration. Add bone-tired and beaten down to my state of mind, and the swear words began floating on the tip of my tongue.
“What did you just call me?” Beth barked, jarring the baby.
I faced away from her. “Nothing.” Brilliant, David.
“I know what I heard. If that’s how you feel about me, why don’t you just leave?” Christine was now against her shoulder, crying.
“Fine!” I jumped up, almost knocking the chair over, and stalked out of the room.
People were staring curiously as I made my way out to the waiting room, where Don and Garrick sat. Don, bless him, was willing to give up a night’s sleep purely for moral support.
“How’s Christine?” he asked.
“She’s getting better. They’ll release her later this morning.”
“Thank God. Everybody, especially Brooke, has been out of their heads with worry. How is Beth holding up?”
I pressed my lips together and paused, shaking my head. “Her parents are driving down from Garden Valley.”
“Is that a bad thing? You don’t look thrilled, mate.”
“Beth wants to go back with them, take Christine.”
“Oh.” He looked away. “For how long?”
“A month, at least.”
“Maybe she’s just tired and talking nonsense.”
“I don’t think she is.” I glanced at him. “She wants to get away from all the smokers.”
“Ouch.” He recoiled. “So tell her you’ll quit, and do it.”
Gaping at him, I said, “Are you kidding? I can’t quit cold turkey. Besides, even if I did, I still think Beth would take Christine to her parents so they can rest for a while. I can’t blame her.”
“I can’t either. If Brooke didn’t have Esther and one of ours was feeling poorly, I don’t know what she’d do. Fortunately, Emma and Josh have never been seriously ill on the road.”
I patted his shoulder. “Well, thanks for being here. I know you’d rather be asleep right now. I should get back to my ladies.”
With my tail between my legs, I strode back into the room. Beth’s face was streaked with tears as she cradled a sleeping Christine against her. I wanted to kick myself for my earlier behavior. She was just trying to be a good mum, and I was nothing but a selfish prick.
“Beth, do whatever you need to. We’ll figure this out.” I sat beside her and kissed her cheek. “I’m sorry if I hurt you.”
“I just want you to understand.” Her voice was thick.
“I’m trying, love.”
“Try harder.” She looked at me with her mascara-smeared eyes, and my heart tore in two.
With no words coming to me, I lifted Christine from her arms and lay her in the crib. “You’re knackered. I want you to try to sleep, even if you have to lie across my knees.”
My wife must have been wiped out. She had a hard time falling asleep in strange places, yet she had no trouble using my lap as her pillow. I couldn’t help running my fingers through her wavy golden hair as she slept. She was so beautiful. I couldn’t fathom being separated for a month. My stomach tightened just thinking about it. One week had been hard enough back at rehab, and there I had counselors at my disclos
ure. This time I’d be surrounded by cigarettes, booze, drugs, and groupies. Not ideal.
God, why are you doing this to me? How am I going to manage?
Somehow, I was just going to have to get through it. And perhaps after the tour, I’d seek help for the smoking. But for now, I had to get my head back in the game. Vinyl Fog had one of its biggest shows tonight. This was after a number of public appearances, which I’d likely miss due to Christine’s illness. And then, tomorrow we were leaving for the Central Coast. Life moved along while we were on tour.
It’s why, in the end, I couldn’t deny Beth her wish to stay with her parents. Christine needed a chance to rest and be spoiled by her grandparents. It wouldn’t be easy for me, though.
“My sweet Beth. I’ll miss you so much,” I whispered. A tremor went through me. I wished I could be stronger.
By early afternoon, we were back at the hotel and Christine was much better. Beth’s parents, Sharon and Mike, had arrived and were doting on their granddaughter. I’d taken a long morning nap, and Beth insisted I meet up with the band so I wouldn’t miss anything.
“I have my parents so you might as well go.” She waved her hands, shooing me away.
“You won’t leave?”
“Of course we won’t leave. I’m not that much of a—”
My jaw tensed. “Low blow.”
She looked away, not responding, while I grabbed my jacket and shades.
Though her attitude was wearing me down, I hated leaving her. On edge, I went off to meet the band at a local record shop for a fan club appearance. The tension didn’t leave me all afternoon, through the meet-and-greet, magazine photo session, and sound check. My body ached to be near Beth. I knew she wouldn’t leave without a proper goodbye, but I couldn’t shake the fear of returning to an empty hotel room. My mind took me back to that day in Boston when she’d gone missing after catching me snorting coke. It had been one of the worst days of my life. By a miracle, she came back to me unharmed.