by T. L Smith
I fill him on everyone, though I mostly stick with Adam because if there is a heaven and he’s up there he can tell Brit that he’s doing better. I don’t think he’ll move on for quite some time and I can understand that. They shared a child together, they were together a long time. I apologize about leaving him and thank him for everything he has given me.
I feel like a weight is being lifted from my shoulders by sitting here and talking to him. I know it’s not really him, but I hope on some level he can hear me.
The drive home is quiet. I’m extremely sad, though not as sad as I thought I would be. It felt good to sit and talk to him. I understand why people visit now. It’s for closure. Though I don’t think I can stop visiting him. I liked being around him, even if he isn’t physically there.
I get home and look at the time, it’s well past midnight and I decide to curl up in bed and go to sleep.
Brax
The tour went off with a smash, and our single went number one worldwide. We’ve been extremely busy and haven’t had the time to do anything but interviews and performing. Angela was with us the whole trip and that was a nightmare in itself. She thinks she can win me back, but she can’t, I know my heart belongs to someone else.
I haven’t stopped thinking about her the whole time I was gone. She still consumes me from thousands of miles away. I spoke on a weekly basis to Brandon and he filled me in on how she was doing. There were a few times I wanted to fly straight back to her to look after her, but he convinced me not to, because she has to try and deal with this herself. It’s her grief and she has to own it before she can move on. So I gave her the space she needs, even though it killed me. Lola rang me while I was gone and informed me she tried to take her to his grave and that she didn’t cope well and refused to talk to her afterwards. I didn’t cope well with hearing she was hurting so badly. As a matter of fact, I smashed everything in our hotel room because of it.
I’m at the party and Brandon said they were going to try to bring Sasha with them, but not to hold my breath. I’m hoping she comes, because I’ve really missed her.
I see the guys off to the side drinking and make my way over there hoping to see Sasha. I look up at Brandon and he shakes his head; he tells me she said she may come later and I’m hoping she does.
It’s after midnight and there’s no sign of her anywhere. I’ve waited two months to see her and I don’t think I can wait any longer. I make my way out to the front and Angela stops me in my tracks.
“You can’t leave, Brax, this party is for you,” she informs me standing with her hand on her hip, her eyes screaming at me to stay.
“I can and I will. I have somewhere better to be,” I tell her and walk out the front. Once I’m in my car I’m off. I arrive at her new house and notice all the lights are off. I’m not sure if she’s home so I knock on the door hoping she’ll answer. I’m just about to give up when she swings the door open and is muttering something about having your own keys. She doesn’t look up at first, she’s yawning and it’s the cutest thing ever. Her eyes start moving from my feet and make their way up till they land on my face. She takes a step back when she sees me and I automatically step into the house to be closer to her.
“What are you doing here?” she asks almost stuttering.
“You didn’t come to the party, so I came to you,” I tell her straight.
“I didn’t come because I have a lot going on and don’t need my life more complicated.”
That hurts. It hurts more than I realize. I think I’m in love with her and its scares the shit out of me. I thought I was in love before, but I now know I was so wrong.
“I won’t hurt you, Sasha,” I say in a softer voice.
“A part of me knows that, Brax, and another part tells me it’s not worth the risk to find out.”
She just crushed my heart, ripped it out and stomped on it. “If that’s the way you feel, Sasha, I’m not going to fight you on it anymore.”
I go to turn around to leave and she grabs my hand. She squints up at me with tears in her eyes and it breaks my heart just that little bit more.
“I’m sorry. I wasn’t your one, Brax, but you’ll find her. You deserve to,” she says, looking down at her feet.
“I already did, Sash, but she doesn’t want to fight for me.” I snatch my hand back and make my way to the car. Once I’m in, I glance back across at her and she has tears streaming down her face. I want to run up to her, grab her and take her pain away, but I now realize only she can do that for herself. She is her own worst enemy.
I go back to the party and decide to get wasted, that will help take the pain away from the way I’m feeling.
I’m drunk, so drunk and when Angela comes over to me and makes her advance I don’t knock her back. She drags me to the bathroom and undoes my pants. She gets down on her hands and knees and puts me inside her mouth. I lean back and let her do her thing. It’s distracting me from the hurt and at this moment I’ll take anything to distract myself. Once I’ve come, she climbs up my body and starts to remove her clothes, but I hold her still and shake my head. I pull my pants up and open the door and when I do Lola is standing there looking like she’s ready to pummel my face in.
“You son of a bitch.” And then bang, she knocks me right in the jaw. She has a mean left hook on her. I hold my jaw and see that she’s going to hit me again, but Blake comes over, turns her around and hauls her over his shoulder. She’s swearing and yelling at me, but I don’t listen, I just walk away to find the nearest drink. The rest of the night goes by in a blur.
It’s been two painful weeks since I’ve last spoken to Sasha or seen her. I’ve thought about picking up the phone just to hear her voice, but I know I can’t. I can’t keep on wanting someone who doesn’t want me. Brandon is disappointed in me, but I explained to him what went down and he said just to give it time. I just don’t know how much more time I can give. We are playing tonight at the entertainment centre and it’s a sold out show. Ever since our album went number one, it’s hard for us to go anywhere as normal people without being swamped by fans or paparazzi.
I get a text from Brandon just as I’m about to go on stage and he tells me he’s here, he also says look to the VIP area, that’s where he’ll be. I’m not quite sure why he wanted to point out where he was sitting. I walk out on stage and the crowd goes wild, girls calling out my name and I manage to smile to the crowd even though I can’t see shit. I start with the first track and welcome them all here. I play a few more famous hits and take a break. Once we’ve had a break we go back on stage and play a few more songs to finish the show. I love what I do. I love the adrenaline I get from hundreds of people screaming my name and I especially love that they love the music that I write. I’m about to finish up, when I gaze up to the VIP area and see Brandon and a blonde sitting there. I don’t recognize her at first, but when she looks up I forget to breathe. I snap out of it when I hear the cheers and screaming fans and manage to pull myself together.
“Alrighty, who wants to hear something new?” I yell into the microphone. The crowd screams yes and I take a seat on a stool and bleed my heart out.
You were the one.
You were the one.
I knew it from the start.
One single look was all it took.
For me to know you were the one.
But then, but then you went and broke my heart.
I hate, that you had that power.
I hate, that I gave it to you.
But then, but then I wouldn’t have had you.
You were the one.
You were the one.
You played with my heart.
I shouldn’t have given it to you from the start.
I scream the words into the microphone like it’s the last thing I’ll ever do, and everyone in the crowd is silent. I finish up and look directly at her, her eyes are covered with tears, but she needed to hear it. She needed to know she isn’t the only one dealing with pain. The crowd goes wild on
ce I finish the song. I then finish an encore and walk backstage.
Sasha
I know, I just know those words are for me. I know I hurt him, but I purposely didn’t mean to, I just thought he’d be better loving someone who wasn’t so broken. I don’t know what to do. I’ve thought of nothing but him in these last two weeks. He’s plagued every thought in my mind.
Brandon gazes over at me and gives my hand a squeeze and pulls me up with him. We head backstage to go and see the boys after their show. I walk slowly and let Brandon set the pace. Once we reach where they are, I look up and see him staring at me. He walks over and glares straight at my face with an unsure look on his.
“Why did you come? Did you come to torture me?” he asks breathing heavily. He is so close I can smell him.
“I’m sorry, I came to talk, but I see I’m not wanted. Goodbye.” I walk off and I hear Brandon cursing at Brax.
“You fool! Pull your head out of your ass. Why else would she come to see you?” I hear Brandon yell and then he chases me down. We make it outside before I let the first tear fall down my cheek. I ask Brandon to drop me off at the cemetery. He looks at me funny because it’s pouring down rain and, of course, it’s night time. I tell him if he doesn’t take me, I’ll walk there myself. He reluctantly agrees and drops me off. He offers to wait, but I tell him I need to be alone.
I sit down in front of his headstone and cry.
I cry for the love I lost.
I cry for hurting Brax.
The rain is getting heavier and heavier and I welcome it, like it’s the air I breathe. It's rejuvenating, it washes away my tears and my pain. I tend to come here quite a lot, at least once a week now. He still draws me to him even in death.
I stay for at least half an hour and decide it’s time to head home. I stand up and turn around to see Brax is standing in the rain behind me. I take a step back and nearly fall over Josh’s headstone.
“Are you okay,” he asks, putting his hand out to steady me. I knock his hand away and walk past him.
“I’m sorry, Sash. You hurt me. I didn’t know how else to deal with it.”
I don’t know what he’s referring to – The song? Or the way he spoke to me? I ignore him and continue to walk. I can hear his footsteps following behind me. He grabs my arm and spins me around.
“I fucking love you... I’m fucking head over pig shit in love with you, woman, and all you do is push me the fuck away.”
Those words slam straight into my chest. It feels like I just got hit. I think I’m in love with him too, but I’m not going to tell him that. I look up at him and see hope written all over his face. I think he knows I love him, but I can’t say the words because it’s too much.
“Say, something.... God, woman, anything, please.”
“Do you want to come to mine for a coffee?” I don’t know why I said that, but it is the safer thing to say than what is floating around in my mind. He looks at me and scratches his head like he doesn’t know how to take what I just said.
“Ummm, okay,” is all he says in return.
We get back to mine and he follows me inside. He takes off his jacket and I see his shirt ride up his stomach. I lick my lips at the look of his toned stomach and that ‘V’ that women go wild over. I see a tattoo peeking out from the top of his pants. My eyes travel up the length of him and he has more tattoos than the last time I saw him. He’s smiling. He knows I am checking him out and he loves it. He follows me into the kitchen and takes a seat on the bench. I make the coffee and turn around to give it to him and now he is staring at me. I gaze down and my white top is now completely see through and you can notice the outline of my bra. I pull the wet shirt from skin and look at him this time with a smile.
“I’m sorry for upsetting you,” he says and I can hear the sincerity in his voice.
“It's okay, I probably deserved it.”
“No, someone like you never deserves to be treated like that, least of all by me.”
I don’t know how to reply, so I take a seat next to him on the stool. We don’t talk for a while, we just sit there lost in our own thoughts.
“Would you like to be my date tomorrow night?”
I take my eyes from my coffee and look up at him. “Yes, I’d love to.”
“Okay, great! I’ll pick you up, tomorrow at six. Oh, and it’s a ball, so you’ll need a nice dress.” I can only nod at him as I’m too shocked to form words. I walk him to the door and we say our goodbyes and I watch him as he walks away. Just before he gets in his car he turns around and says, “Thank you.”
I’m not sure why, so I just nod my head and go back inside. I go to sleep with a smile on my face, and it feels so good because I haven’t smiled a sincere smile for quite some time.
* * *
I’m in the kitchen making breakfast when Lola walks up.
“Hey tart, what’s up?” She comes in with a bounce in her step and kisses me on the cheek.
“Such a way with words, Sis.”
“I know, I know, I’m meant to be all ladylike and all that shit, but fuck it, I’m just gonna stick to being me,” she tells me straight which is just typically her.
“I wouldn’t have it any other way,” I tell her honestly. She’s the crazy one out of the two us, but she will have my back no matter what.
“So, what’s the plans for today? What do you wanna do?” she asks stealing my toast from my plate. I smack her hand with the knife and she just sticks her tongue out and puts it in her mouth anyways.
“Actually, I have a date tonight. So we need to go shopping so I can get a ballroom dress or something like that,” I tell her and her eyes open so wide.
“Hold up, hold up, bring it back a little. What do you mean a date? Who? What? Where? And how?”
“Well, Brax, actually.” I don’t take my eyes off of her and I watch as she spits the toast out of her mouth.
“Holly shiz balls, when did that happen?”
“Last night,” I tell her, shrugging my shoulders.
“Okay, fine, be that way and don’t give your one and only sister the goss. Whatever,” she says, trying to stir me up. So I’m about to tell her when the doorbell rings. She jumps up to get it, poking her tongue out at me on the way and I can’t help but smile and laugh at her.
“Umm, Sasha, there’s a lady here to dress you,” I hear her yell from the door. I get up and walk toward the door and when I get there I see a lady holding a rack of dresses. I squeeze my eyebrows together, trying to work out why she’s here. She has bright purple hair and piercings through her nose and lips, but even more noticeable is that she has a bright smile on her face and I instantly warm toward her.
“Hey, I’m Penelope. Brax sent me over for you to pick a dress for tonight,” she tells me in a bright and bubbly voice.
I have been trying on dresses and shoes on all morning and I think I’ve found the one. It is a baby blue gown. It exposes all of my back and dips down very low. It has a slit up the side of the dress and it hangs from my shoulders. I walk out to show the girls and their faces tell me that it’s the right choice.
We make lunch together and I really enjoy Penelope’s company; she and Lola have hit it off and haven’t stopped talking.
Sasha
Lola has just left after helping me get ready for my date tonight, if it’s even a date. My dress fits perfectly and squeezes me in all the right places. My hair is curled and bobby pinned up, so it’s off my back and I have silver shoes to match the dress. I hear the doorbell ring and my tummy goes crazy. I’m so nervous that I think I might actually be sick.
I open the door to Brax and when I see him my mouth gapes open. He is stunning in a black tux. I’m actually contemplating stripping him right now, because that man is mighty F.I.N.E.
“Sasha... You take my breath away, you’re absolutely stunning,” he says looking me up and down. Butterflies are going crazy mad in my stomach.
“Thank you, you don’t look so bad yourself,” I tell him honestly.
“Well, I don’t want to waste a second with you, so would you like to accompany me, my lady.” He holds out his arm for me to take.
“Oh, such a gentleman. Where have you been all my life?” I ask jokingly. He looks at me funny and we make our way to the car, which mind you, is a bloody limo. Wowser!
In the car he keeps a hold of my hand the whole ride there. He fills me in. We are off to a charity event which he is scheduled to appear at because he made a large donation. We arrive and head inside with me holding Brax's arm and we make our way through the crowd. Brax walks over to an older man with salt and pepper hair and shakes his hand. They chat for a second and the man turns to face me.
“Who do you have here, Brax? She sure is a looker,” he says, looking me up and down. It gives me goose bumps and not in a good way.
“This is Sasha. Sasha, this is my record producer, Bill,” Brax introduces us. I give Bill a smile and don’t offer my hand. Bill glances back and forth from me to Brax then asks Brax if he can speak to him privately. Brax looks back at me like he is deciding if he should leave me or not and I nod my head.
“It’s an open bar. How about I meet you over there when I’m done?”
I nod my head and watch them walk off. My feelings are a bit hurt as I’m in a strange place where I don’t know anyone, plus this was meant to be a date, or so I thought.
I’m standing at the bar having a cocktail waiting for Brax. He’s been gone for almost half an hour and I’m wondering if I should just leave. I decide to go and look for him, as there is no point of me being here if it’s just standing at the bar. I walk past the dance floor when an arm reaches out and stops me. I notice that it’s Bill. I gaze down at his hand and I really don’t like the feeling of him touching me.
“If you’re looking for Brax, he’s busy,” he tells me straight as I shake off his touch.
“Where is he?”
“He has company, so I don’t know how long he will be gone for, but I can arrange a limo for you if you like?”