No-One Ever Has Sex On A Tuesday: A Very Funny Romantic Novel

by Tracy Bloom

  “Very nice,” she managed to splutter out as she approached the expectant faces awaiting her arrival.

  “Me and Lenny did the table,” said Kim, one of the junior art directors. “We had to fight with Daniel though to stop him going off on one over a drugs theme. He wanted to dangle epidural syringes from the ceiling filled with pink and blue liquid and then for the entertainment to get hold of a canister of gas and air for us all to have a go. Fortunately the restaurant manager put his foot down and said they weren’t insured for customers to bring their own gas onto the premises.”

  “Wow, lucky escape,” she said sitting down, painfully aware that she was the centre of attention just when she wanted to crawl into a hole and disappear. There was an awkward silence for a moment as Katy found herself at a complete loss, until her boss, the consummate professional, broke the ice to get the celebration going.

  “So Katy, tell us all about the nursery, what theme have you gone with?” he asked.

  “Oh the room was painted white anyway so we have just left it like that,” she replied.

  “Lovely, no need to go overboard eh?” he said sympathetically. “Can’t stand those mega-themed nurseries anyway when absolutely everything has to be bloody Winnie the Pooh. Who needs a fat stupid bear peering at you from every nook and cranny when you’ve only just arrived in the world?”

  “But my little Alfie loves Winnie,” said Jane the receptionist. “Honestly Katy, he does. I can go with you to Mothercare if you like. You can get everything to match, it’s fantastic.”

  “Erm, if I get time,” said Katy, looking at her boss desperately.

  “Right, why don’t we get on with the formalities and then I can relax and have a drink,” he said.

  He stood up and tapped a spoon lightly on the side of his glass to get everyone’s attention. Christ, thought Katy. This really was turning into a wedding.

  “Well ladies and gentlemen, I have to say it is something of a surprise to be standing here today to toast Katy on her imminent launch into parenthood. I have known Katy sometime now and I am finding it pretty hard to dispel the images I have of Katy when she has behaved, shall we say, not exactly maternally.”

  A knowing titter floated around the table.

  “Sadly I fear we will never again enjoy the sight of Katy giving a lap dancer a piece of her mind for trying to overcharge one of our clients on a night out to celebrate the success of their ad campaign. I believe your words were, “If you think you can charge a hundred quid to shake your arse in that man’s face, then I think you’ll find me charging double to wave two fingers in yours.” That’s what I love about Katy. She always has one eye on her expense claims.”

  Everyone laughed whilst Katy smiled through gritted teeth.

  “Also the memory of her insisting on adjusting the position of a male model’s penis for an underwear shoot as she knew exactly how the client would want it, will probably have to be confined to the past, for fear of embarrassing her offspring.”

  “She wouldn’t let me get anywhere near his cock, the selfish cow,” muttered Daniel. “If there is anyone who should know how to make a penis look perfect it’s me, surely?”

  “This all goes to show how well Katy adapts to any position she is put in. I know despite the fact that she has openly resisted any possibility of domestic bliss in the past, she will adjust just as she always does and be a very successful mother indeed.” He turned to address her directly. “I mean that, I really do,” he said sincerely, putting his hand on her shoulder.

  Katy sat paralysed. A successful mother? He wouldn’t be saying that if he knew her current state of affairs.

  “Now Daniel has organised an extra special present which he has kept a big secret, so it is with great excitement that I hand you over to him,” her boss concluded.

  It was only then that Katy noticed something on the table next to them, a white cloth covering something quite lumpy and about two feet high. Daniel was hovering next to it looking surprisingly uncomfortable.

  What the hell had he done this time, Katy wondered? She really must remember to tell him she never wanted to see him again.

  “Well Katy, I would just like you to remember that a lot of work has gone into this so you had better like it,” said Daniel.

  He pulled the white cloth away with a flourish to reveal a pregnant naked torso topped by a pair of ample breasts, all made from some sort of plaster cast and mounted on a dark wooden plinth.

  “I recognise those tits,” chirped Martin, one of the account directors.

  “Why?” gasped Katy her mouth wide open, her head shaking gently in utter amazement at Daniel.

  “Remember I asked if I could do some shots of your belly to help with the art direction for that maternity wear catalogue.”

  “Yeah.”

  “Well I lied,” he said, giggling hysterically. “I just wanted a good picture of you so I could get this done. Come on Katy, you didn’t really expect me to get you anything useful for the baby did you? The overzealous use of primary colours just brings me out in a rash.”

  “But to have to encounter the public display of my naked body, not once but twice, is harsh Daniel, way harsh,” said Katy.

  “Once,” corrected Daniel. “The other one is Demi Moore who obviously doesn’t have the same stupid hang up as you do about celebrating the gloriousness of the pregnant body.”

  “Daniel, I weigh an obscene amount more than I usually do, I have stretch marks a mile long and I haven’t seen my pubic hair in months. But I am trying very hard to be grateful that my nipples are making their way at a rapid pace around my belly to check that it’s still there. Please tell me what is glorious about that?”

  “All right, all right. Never fear, Louise is on her way with the boring present. Don’t blame me when you have to pretend to look excited about a poo bucket or something.”

  At that moment Louise staggered into the room laden with gifts. She was Katy’s personal assistant and resident mother hen. Her desk was full of photos of her kids and she never shut up about their latest escapades. Louise had been overjoyed when Katy told her she was expecting and was full of helpful advice on every aspect of pregnancy and motherhood, quite often knocking on her office door to share some little nugget that happened to cross her mind. Katy had begged for her to be moved to another role but her boss had refused, given that he was quite enjoying watching Katy cringe at Louise’s daily account of her three labours.

  “Sorry I’m late. Your bloody phone never stopped ringing,” said Louise glaring at Katy like it was her fault she had been inconvenienced by having to do her job.

  “Anything urgent?” asked Katy.

  “Don’t think so. Mostly clients, so I said you would call them back after your baby shower, which seemed to shut them up. Oh and some guy called Matthew something or other. Said he was an old friend and he was trying to catch up with you. I have sent his number to your Blackberry.”

  The sound of Matthew’s name caused Katy to jump and she dropped a fork noisily on the floor. This gave her valuable moments to compose herself as with some effort she bent her protesting body to pick it up.

  “OK, er, I think I know who that could be,” said Katy sitting upright again, trying to ignore the heat rising to her cheeks.

  Daniel was staring at her in shock. He was the only person she had told the Matthew story to since her friends, whom she rarely saw, would no doubt recoil in a horrified Stepford Wives fashion if she told them she had screwed up something as basic as knowing who the father of her child was. Daniel on the other hand had applauded her promiscuity, proclaiming that she could make a good homo yet. However confusion over who might be the father of her child had rendered him speechless. In fact he had walked away and not spoken to her again until some hours later after he had obviously given it some deep thought. He came up to her office, shut the door behind him and told her that, after some consideration, he thought her only option was to forget Matthew. Bury him deep in a place in her mind
she rarely visited and focus on being the best mum she could and help Ben to be the “Dad of the Century.” Then he got up and left the room with Katy having said nothing. It was the only time Katy could remember Daniel being one hundred percent serious and it had scared her. If Daniel took this seriously then there was no denying the situation was indeed serious.

  “What can I get you to drink Louise?” asked Daniel, still staring at Katy.

  “White wine and lemonade please,” replied Louise.

  Daniel visibly shuddered at the prospect of having to ask the cute barman for such a concoction.

  “Come to the bar,” said Daniel to Katy, already taking her arm to avoid a refusal.

  “What the hell,” he spluttered as soon as they were out of earshot. “Is that the Matthew I think it is? I thought he had been confined to the back and beyond of your life?”

  “I haven’t had a chance to tell you yet. He turned up at my antenatal class last night. He’s moved back up here,” she hissed back.

  “What the hell was he doing at your antenatal class?”

  “His wife is pregnant stupid. Why else would he be there?” she said hysterically.

  “You have got to be kidding me. You mean he’s having a baby with his wife and he could also be having a baby with you at the same time?” said Daniel, stopping in his tracks.

  “We don’t know if my baby is his. I did only sleep with him once. We’ve been over this remember?” she said firmly.

  “I know, I know. But now that he’s back in your life, that’s different isn’t it? What are you going to do?”

  “Well,” she said, trying to calm down. “This can’t change anything can it? You were right the first time. I still have to ignore what happened. Even more so now his wife is pregnant. I have to assume it’s not his.”

  “But he’s already called you,” said Daniel. “He could be enquiring whether you have a good recommendation for babysitters of course but I somehow doubt it. Do you think he suspects anything?”

  “Well we all had to say when our babies were due…”

  “Oh that is just too weird,” interrupted Daniel. “Imagine being in a room and knowing when the last time everyone had sex was,” mused Daniel.

  “Why would it be the last time?” asked Katy.

  “Oh come on, you heteros only ever have sex over the age of thirty to procreate. The reason why pregnant women look so serene is because they have been relieved of their carnal duties. So what did Matthew do when you gave your date?”

  “He went white and walked out and he didn’t come back.”

  “He suspects it could be his then, definitely?” pressed Daniel.

  “I guess so.”

  “So?” he asked.

  “So what?”

  “What the hell are you going to do?”

  “I have no idea,” said Katy starting to panic again. She looked around the room desperately, hoping the answer might leap out at her only to catch sight of her two naked bodies on public display.

  “This is not how it’s supposed to be happening,” she turned to Daniel angrily.

  “Hey girl, no need to take it out on me,” said Daniel. “Let’s all just keep calm shall we? You’re absolutely right. This doesn’t change a thing. The plan remains, especially now you know that his wife is pregnant. Matthew is history; Ben is the father, get on with it. You just need to tell Matthew that. Then everything will be fine. You’ll see.”

  Chapter 8

  Katy dropped a pound coin in the hat of a homeless guy begging outside the pub. For luck, she thought, in the absence of a wishing well. She pushed open the door and immediately knew there was no way she would be seen here by anybody she knew. She noticed with relief the gaudy torn wallpaper that perfectly complemented the mismatched furniture littering the room. Dirty mustard-yellow foam oozed from every padded seat onto the slimy grey carpet, battered by years of abuse. A couple of slot machines tinkled merrily in the corner providing the only hint of cheer in the depressingly awful place. It was empty apart from three people sitting at the bar who looked like they’d been there since lunchtime, possibly the previous day’s lunchtime at that. They were slumped forward talking in a series of high and low pitched noises rather than words, but seeming to still understand each other.

  The only other inhabitant was a very fat old lady dressed in a long dirty blue raincoat and a clear plastic headscarf sitting in the corner nursing a pint. She shouted over to Katy as she stepped gingerly over the threshold.

  “He’s over there love, made a friend already he has,” said the woman.

  Katy looked over to where she was pointing to see Matthew looking as out of place as she must. He was dressed in a smart navy suit and tie and had a very large German Shepherd dog lying across his feet.

  “Is that the latest accessory you people from London wear to keep your feet warm,” she couldn’t help but comment as she sat down.

  “The bloody thing won’t move and I daren’t kick it or it might bite me. Worse still its owner might,” said Matthew, looking nervously back over to the woman who gave him a big toothless grin.

  “Well I think you can safely say his bark is going to be worse than her bite,” she quipped.

  Christ where did that come from, she thought. Suddenly I’m a comedian just as I am about to have the conversation from hell.

  “Very funny,” said Matthew. “I assumed you wouldn’t be drinking so I got a mineral water rather than a rum and coke. But I’ll get you something else if you would prefer?”

  Katy was immediately thrown. She had not drunk rum and coke in years. In fact she had forgotten she ever used to drink such a foul concoction. Matthew clearly hadn’t.

  “Water’s fine,” she said, taking a sip. “So how are you?” she asked not quite ready to enter hazardous conversation territory.

  “Oh you know. Fine, considering. You?” replied Matthew.

  “Yeah, OK I guess, considering. You?”

  “You already asked me,” he said. He looked at her through eyes loaded with a thousand questions. He closed them abruptly before opening them again and shaking his head as if in disbelief at what he was about to say.

  “Could it be mine?”

  She was shocked. She hadn’t expected the question so directly and so quickly. She had imagined plenty of preamble, with them hovering around the real issue for a while, allowing her time to work out how to conclude the meeting. With the absence of time to craft her words, her response was blunt.

  “Yes,” she said.

  He slumped back in his chair. It was out there now. No going back. Solid earth had been ripped from under them in a moment to be replaced by something so shaky, unknown and unchartered that there was no way of knowing even how to begin to take any steps forward.

  They sat there for a long time in silence, both lost in their own internal battle of what to say and do next. Eventually the German Shepherd stirred, looked up at them both and, assuming they needed some time alone, got up and ambled slowly back to his owner.

  It was Matthew who was finally able to make the first step into their new world.

  “When you say yes, do you mean definitely yes? What about the guy at the class?”

  “That’s Ben, the guy I told you about at the reunion. It could also be his. I just don’t know, Matthew.”

  “What have you told him?”

  “Nothing. As far as he is concerned it’s his. Look Matthew, I found out I was pregnant, did the maths and worked out there was a chance that it could be yours, but surely the fact of the matter is that it’s much more likely to be Ben’s,” Katy babbled. “We only spent one night together for goodness’ sake. I was trying to forget what happened between us. Why worry about something that might not be true? I convinced myself that Ben was one hundred percent the father and that was that.”

  “And what do you think now?” asked Matthew.

  “It’s easier to forget something when you don’t have any reminders. You turning up here means the tiny little d
oubt I had won’t shut up.”

  Matthew leaned forward and put his head in his hands, covering his eyes. After a moment he started to shake. To Katy’s horror she thought he was crying until he finally lifted his head and appeared to be laughing.

  “I have absolutely no idea what you find funny about this?” Katy said.

  “The fucking irony Katy,” he replied, looking somewhat manic and angry now.

  “The fucking irony that I have been to hell and back for the past five years trying to get pregnant with my wife. Her lack of fertility turned her into a miserable cow quite frankly, which is probably why I ended up in bed with you. But, oh joy of joys, finally it works. She’s pregnant and almost the woman I married again. My life is back on track then you drop the bombshell that after one, just one night of sex, I could have hit the fucking jackpot and fathered another child. I guess all my Christmases must have come at once.” He slumped back in his chair looking utterly defeated.

  “This is no Christmas for me either you know. I didn’t plan to get pregnant and not know who the father was.”

  “So what were you doing then? How come you are pregnant? I admit I am mortified that I wasn’t smart enough to use contraception but I figured a woman of your years and experience would have it sorted or have the maturity to ask me to use a condom.”

  “What on earth is that supposed to mean?” asked Katy angrily.

  “That you cannot have been a stranger to that kind of situation and there are no little Katys running around, so I guess you have previously been successful in avoiding pregnancy.”

  “You make me sound like some sort of slapper,” said Katy, raising her voice. She hadn’t come here to be insulted. “I don’t just sleep with anyone you know. I only slept with you as some sort of revenge for what you did to me all those years ago. Do you think I would have looked twice at you otherwise? You’re not exactly lighting anyone’s fire anymore, are you Mr. Boring Finance Boy? And yes, I did have it sorted. I was on the pill, but I had been ill and that must have stopped it working. It happens, Matthew.”