by Tracy Bloom
“Yes Ben. Please let’s forget it all and think about the baby. That’s all that matters isn’t it?” she begged.
He stood up again abruptly.
“No it’s not going to happen. It can’t happen.”
“But why?” pleaded Katy, grabbing at his wrist, beginning to panic. “Come on Ben, we can do this.”
Ben spoke quietly and carefully.
“No we can’t. It’s him you really want isn’t it? Well maybe not exactly him but someone like him. Not someone like me. I get it now. I can see how you see me. I just arse about all day, playing stupid games with stupid kids, and then I arse around all night playing stupid games with my stupid mates. What is there in that for you? You and your posh office and your secretary and your posh lunches and your expense account. How could I ever think that I was anything more than just a bit of fun? No wonder you slept with Matthew.”
Katy sat down abruptly. So that was why Ben hit him. Matthew had told him. Tears streamed down her face.
“I’m so sorry,” she sobbed into her hands. “It was a stupid, stupid mistake. I never meant to hurt you.”
“It’s not like we’d made any commitment or anything is it?” he continued, not seeming to have heard a word Katy had said. “We hadn’t said we weren’t going to sleep with other people. I just wish you’d told me, that’s all. So I’d have known where I stood. Because now I feel really stupid for thinking this was all going to work out.” He looked down at the floor and started kicking the side of the sofa methodically.
“And you know what. I can see the attraction in a guy like Matthew, honestly I can,” he continued. “I mean he’s got it all, hasn’t he. A guy like that can take care of a woman. Good job, big house and he’s sensible you know, good dad material. He wouldn’t lead his kids astray, like I would. Security, that’s what it is, isn’t it? That’s what you need now. What can I offer? A crappy old Ford Focus and a Leeds United season ticket is all the security I have.”
“Ben stop, please stop.” Katy begged. “You’ve got it all wrong, honestly you have.”
“No Katy,” he said, finally looking at her. “I think for the first time I haven’t got it wrong. I’ve been thinking about this and I realise I was an idiot. I was batting way above my league with you and at some point a guy like Matthew was bound to come along who was on a level with you. And even if you did only sleep with him once, there are a million other Matthews out there who are worthy of you and a million times more capable of taking care of you than I am.” His voice broke and he turned away quickly to hide the tear sliding down his cheek.
“But Ben, there aren’t a million more of you. There is no-one else that would make me feel the way that you do,” sobbed Katy.
He wiped his eye wearily before responding.
“And how is that exactly?” he asked.
“Well,” she said, sensing a chink of hope. She desperately searched for the right words but she had no idea where to start. “Ben, you’re different to all the other guys. You make me laugh and, and…”
“Precisely. It’s not enough,” said Ben grimly.
“No wait, listen. It’s much more than that. How do I explain? You are the one who stops me being my own worse nightmare. Oh God, I’m crap at this,” she said, waving her arms about in desperation. “It’s like when I tell you we have been arguing at work over how to describe a toilet cleaner, you’re the one who says we should just say it cleans up shit.”
“Well, that’s what it does.”
“Exactly. But only you could say that.”
“What, that toilet cleaner cleans up shit? Yeah, I sure am proud of that. Thinking of nominating myself for the Nobel Prize with words of wisdom like that.”
“No Ben, I’m trying to explain,” she said, getting up and grabbing hold of his wrists. “I’ve been thinking about it too and it’s because we are so different, that’s what makes it right. I don’t want someone who’s like me, because I would turn into one of those hideous middle-class suburban housewives who lusts after hanging baskets.”
Ben looked confused.
“But, but…” he stuttered. “But you’re just better than me,” he said finally with a heavy sigh.
“That is so not true,” she said, reaching her hand up tentatively to stroke his cheek, feeling his wet tears on her fingertips. “You, Ben King,” she said softly, “Are the funniest, kindest, most loyal, most greatest person I know and I am the luckiest girl on earth to have you.”
Ben stared down at her looking completely stunned. He started to blink very fast, trying to prevent a barrage of tears.
“Really?” he asked, looking deep into her eyes for any sign of pretence.
“Really.” she replied, nodding her head firmly and clenching every single part of her body, willing him to believe her.
“I think I need you to repeat that,” he said quietly.
“I said you are the funniest, kindest, most loyal, most greatest person I know and I am the luckiest girl on earth to have you,” she repeated breathlessly. A smile started to struggle through at the corner of his mouth. It must be working. She tried hard to remember what else she had been thinking in her foggy state over the last few days that might convince Ben they still had a future. “And you are worth ten of Matthew or any other guy like him and I will regret sleeping with him for the rest of my life,” she said, knowing she had never said a truer word. “Ben, I know I don’t deserve your forgiveness but I want you. More than anything, because you stroking my belly is not something I can live without anymore.” She reached down, picked up his hand and pulled it up to her lips for the lightest of kisses before placing it on her belly.
Ben looked deep into her eyes again before looking down at their hands entwined on her stomach. Suddenly he lurched forward, enveloped her in his arms and sobbed uncontrollably.
Katy held him as tightly as she could, breathing heavily. She was absolutely exhausted from her unprecedented emotional outpouring and with the relief that the future might be back on after all.
But then suddenly, without warning, Ben pulled away, wiping his hand across his dripping nose.
“But Katy, I’m not sure I can be a good dad,” he said, shaking his head. “And you can’t take that risk, saddling yourself with a crap dad.”
Katy sighed, she wasn’t sure she had any energy left to tackle his insecurities about being a good father. But she had to keep going, the end was in sight.
“Ben, I know you’ll be a great dad, I just do. And I know it must be so hard to think there is a tiny possibility that the baby isn’t yours but that doesn’t matter. I think of you as the father. End of story.”
Ben staggered back as if someone had hit him.
“What? What do you mean may not be mine? What the hell are you talking about?” he asked, his eyes wide in disbelief.
“What… you mean… oh my God,” Katy buried her head in her hands.
“What do you mean Katy?” asked Ben again.
Katy couldn’t raise her head as she rocked backwards and forwards in shock.
Ben reached down and pulled her hand roughly away from her face.
“What do you mean?” he asked again, almost shouting.
“I thought you would have worked it out. Oh Ben I’m so sorry.”
“About what Katy? Explain what you mean. Now,” he shouted.
With considerable effort Katy blurted out an explanation. “When me and Matthew had sex, we only did it once I promise but it was about the time I got pregnant, so there is a very small possibility that Matthew could be the father. But Ben it’s tiny,” she said, looking up at him pleadingly. “You and I had sex so many times around then that the baby must be yours. It’s got to be, Ben. This baby is yours, I promise you,” she said, gripping his shoulders with her hands and shaking him as if to drill it in to him.
“But I don’t understand,” said Ben, backing away from her. “Are you telling me you’ve always known this?”
“Well, suspected. But as I say it
really is such a tiny possibility that …that…”
“That what? You thought you wouldn’t tell me. Have you spoken to Matthew about it?”
“Well yes, but only because he suspected too, so I had to. And we agreed that the chance is so small that everyone would be better off if we just forgot about it.”
“When did you talk to him?”
“Ages ago, I can’t remember.”
“When, Katy?” asked Ben aggressively.
“Well, Christ I don’t know,” said Katy, totally flustered. “I guess it must have been after we saw them at the first antenatal class. I thought I’d never see him again after the reunion, but then when he turned up at the class I had to talk to him.”
“So you and him have been having these talks for weeks and all along you have let me think that the baby was mine.”
“Ben please, you make it sound so terrible. I was trying to do the right thing, I promise you. I wasn’t trying to deceive you on purpose.”
“What? Making me think all the way along that this was my baby when you knew it might not be. Don’t you think I had the right to know? You obviously thought that Matthew did.”
“No. It wasn’t like that. I didn’t choose to tell Matthew, he guessed and I had to talk to him to stop him ruining everything. I couldn’t let him ruin it for nothing. Please listen Ben,” begged Katy. “You are the father.”
Ben was silent, staring through the window into the distance. Katy daren’t speak for fear of saying the wrong thing yet again. She silently prayed for a miracle. Finally Ben made his parting shot.
“It doesn’t matter how small the chance is Katy, there is still a chance and I don’t know how I can live with that. But what is certain is that you lied to me. Not only about the baby but also about Matthew. You are not who I thought you were Katy. And to think I thought I wasn’t good enough for you.”
Tears were streaming down his cheeks now, almost as fast as down Katy’s.
“Of course you’re good enough for me, Of course you are Ben. And you’re right, I’m not good enough for you. What I have done is terrible but I was trying to do the right thing. I never wanted to hurt you.”
“Well you just did.”
Ben turned and headed out of the room.
“Don’t go. Please don’t go Ben,” said Katy, stumbling after him. “I need you. I can’t do this alone. Ben please. Please don’t leave me.”
Ben turned around briefly, almost unrecognisable in his despair, lines having suddenly appeared on his young face. He stared at her for a moment. Then turned again and walked out of the door.
Katy slumped to the floor and wept like she had never wept before, just as the dead crabs tumbled still muted onto a pier somewhere in Alaska in the dead of night.
Chapter 18
She wasn’t sure what time it was. She looked up and the crabs were gone, probably already having their insides ripped out by some surly Alaskan. Katy felt like her own insides had been wrenched from her body. This was no normal crying. It was a torrent, an almighty avalanche, a wild typhoon of a cry that threatened to drown and quite possibly deafen her. Every time she felt she might be mastering the storm another front came from nowhere and flattened her without mercy.
She was still slumped in the hallway where Ben had left her, unable to summon up any purpose to moving. Her hands and her forearms were soaked with tears as she had long ago drenched the tissues she had stuffed up her sleeves from her earlier clean-up.
Finally she managed to comprehend that she needed help. That this was not going to die away without some kind of external effort. She hauled herself onto her hands and knees and made slow progress towards the phone which sat on a side table on the opposite side of the hall. She slumped again when she reached it, as though she had just run a marathon and sat for a few moments trying to regain some sort of steady breathing. She took a deep breath and picked up the phone to dial Daniel’s mobile.
Of course it went straight to voicemail. She slumped again, listening to Daniel’s message whilst trying to summon up the energy to speak.
“Hi guys. I must be doing something really important or screening my calls and just don’t want to talk to you. Anyway leave me a message and I will call you when I have finished collecting my award for creative genius in advertising.”
“Daniel. Daniel. Pick up the phone. Please pick up the phone,” she said in between the sniffs.
Eventually she remembered that she was talking to a mobile answer machine so he wouldn’t be able to hear her.
“Daniel, call me now. Ben knows everything and he’s gone, for good. What am I going to do? Just stop everything and call me Daniel. I need you.”
She put the phone back then winced as the baby gave an almighty kick. She looked down to see some kind of limb desperately feeling the very edges of her belly for any kind of gap that might lead to daylight.
“This is really happening,” she thought, staring at the small mole hill travelling across her front. “I am really going to have a baby alone.”
The tears started to flow again, not a storm this time, more an irritating drizzle, the type that never seems to end.
The drizzle continued whilst Katy miserably contemplated her life as a lone parent. When the phone finally sprang to life, Katy answered before the second ring.
“What am I going to do? Ben’s gone. Gone for good,” she blurted out before Daniel could even say hello. “He came and it was fine and then stupid, stupid me thought he must have worked it out. That he might not be the dad. But he hadn’t worked it out had he? And he kept shouting at me to explain and so I had to tell him everything and so he stopped shouting but he wouldn’t say anything. Nothing. He just stared and looked so sad. I have never seen him look so sad before. Then finally he said that I was not worthy of him. That he couldn’t get over the lies. And he’s so right. Of course he’s right. I’ve been so, so stupid. And now what am I going to do? How am I going to tell the baby what I’ve done. That it’s my fault it doesn’t have a daddy. That I totally screwed it up. That I have ruined its life even before it was born.”
“I’m on my way,” replied Matthew.
The line went dead before Katy had time to drop the receiver on the floor. There was an unhealthy crack as it struck the wooden floorboard followed by the sound of a soft purr confirming that the caller had moved on. The shock of Matthew’s voice left Katy numb. Almost on auto-pilot she picked up the phone and dialled 1471 then returned the call. It went straight through to voicemail.
“Hello, you are through to Matthew Chesterman. I’m sorry I can’t get to the phone right now but if you leave your name and number I will call you back as soon as I can. Please wait for the beep. Thank you.”
“Pick up the phone,” muttered Katy, realising full well this time that he couldn’t hear her.
The beep sounded.
“I thought you were Daniel. If you get this, I don’t think you should come here. Just stay away Matthew, please.”
She replaced the receiver and shuffled back through to the lounge and collapsed on the sofa. The Discovery Channel had moved on from the crabs and was now showing wild moose mating in some remote-looking wooded area. The ritual looked particularly unjoyful conducted in mute. Katy watched as the male finished, clambered off, shook himself then surveyed the rest of the females before wandering nonchalantly over to his next target.
“Typical man,” she thought before realising that she had behaved exactly as the detached looking male moose. Had she not wandered from mate to mate without any fear of the consequences?
The action changed. Now the male moose was running quickly through dense forest. The screen went black before showing a scene of the moose lying dead on the floor as two hunters reloaded their guns.
“I so deserve to be shot,” thought Katy.
The baby gave her another almighty kick.
“My god, there’s a baby, a real baby,” she cried. “I can’t even wish to get shot in peace.”
The ba
by kicked her again.
“Alright, alright. Enough already.” She flew up from the couch, marched into the nursery and surveyed a cot in bits on the floor and a pile of plastic carriers full of untouched baby retail.
She grabbed the nearest carrier bag and emptied it onto the floor. She knelt down and began tearing cellophane and cardboard as though her life depended on it. She flung packaging into one corner and its contents into another, shrieking in frustration every time an item appeared to not want to be parted from its wrapping.
By the time she had finished ransacking the plastic bags she had worked up quite a sweat. She caught sight of the screwdriver left in the room by Ben ready to make up the cot. She seized it and began attaching screws to pieces of wood with no idea if they were in the right place. Before long she somehow had a cot that resembled an avant-garde teepee for dwarfs. By now she was breathing very fast but she daren’t stop, daren’t slow down because that would allow her mind to wander away from her artistic construction towards something much more destructive.
When she could no longer find any screws to screw she flung the screwdriver across the room and hauled herself up. She walked over to the corner of the room and scooped up an armful of vests, babygros, sheets and blankets and waddled out of the room towards the kitchen, tripping occasionally as her feet got caught in trailing garments.
Just as she approached the hall the doorbell rang. Incredibly in her crazed fervour she had forgotten that Matthew had called and wondered in surprise who it could be. For a moment her heart leapt as she wondered if it was Ben then she recalled her mistaken outburst at Matthew and realised that he obviously hadn’t got her message.
She hovered in the hallway burying her head in the pile of clothes. She felt her shoulders start to heave yet again as a fresh wave of despair engulfed her.
“Let me in Katy. Please. Let me look after you, just for a minute. Let me see that you’re alright,” shouted Matthew through the door. He sounded so gentle and soothing that she lunged for the door with relief, managing to open it despite her loaded arms.